Author Topic: The Wizard War (Chapters One to Eight)  (Read 16200 times)

Offline Age

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter One)
« Reply #45 on: February 07, 2008, 06:32:37 AM »
Here we go, another long oddyssy from Lee...Why do I do these things to myself??

Excellent start lee, though I must admit, the action seems a little strained and a little muddled, to me at least.  Are you going to use more of the intro chris wrote?  Like the finger going into the celler??  That's mondo-creepy, that part right there was very well written chris, bravo!!
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

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Offline Age

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Two)
« Reply #46 on: February 07, 2008, 06:45:27 AM »
Maybe I should hold some of my comments until i read the WHOLE thing, since there ate like...10 parts now?

....nah, screw it.

The piece is good, though you may want to look at some of your words.  Like Memnoch said, the midieval accents seem a little forced at times.  Like why would the captain call her 'Lass' when he throws her to the ground?  to me, Lass has always been a more friendly petname than a general discription.  Just an oppinion there.

It also seems odd that the Captian would killl Jerrod, when wasn't that who he was going to see anyway??  The plot thickens..

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Don't forget to check out Flash Fiction Challenge #109!

Offline Age

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
« Reply #47 on: February 07, 2008, 07:22:42 AM »
I don't know what memnoch is going on about, the back and forth was a superb touch, IMO.  But I think Jerik should actually fumble on the word 'Nureaytumea', like

"Why is the Nurray...Nureaytumea?" Jerik fumbled with the word, "so dangerous? Could the Wizards use it to win the war?"

something along those lines, give a visual of how he was fumbling on it.  I've always thought those little touches really add to a scene, and make it come alive.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Don't forget to check out Flash Fiction Challenge #109!

Offline Christopher Silva

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
« Reply #48 on: February 07, 2008, 07:36:17 AM »
Age has a good idea here Lee.

Love it, keep 'em comin'


Chris
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Chris

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davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
« Reply #49 on: February 07, 2008, 12:35:19 PM »
Age,
Thank you for the suggestion and you are exactly right. I have made the change and it reads so much better.
Thank your for reading...and caring.

Lee

davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Two)
« Reply #50 on: February 07, 2008, 12:48:34 PM »
Age,
I am glad you are getting into it. I will go back after I have posted all the chapters and make another edit and throw out what doesn't work an maybe add some more relating to some of the suggestions.
The reason I did not use the cellar at the inn is because I did not feel it was pivatol to where I was going with the whole story. Creepy yes! Great subplot...
Chris' original scene can be taking in so many different directions, this was just my take on it. He inspired this story and I ran with it, and I am still running. 
I am glad you are keeping up with it Age, it is good to have you back from vacation.

Your friend,
Lee

Offline Age

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Four)
« Reply #51 on: February 07, 2008, 11:15:05 PM »
Interesting, the very reason for a whole war has just been erased from memory...should make things interesting...though i think 'slackjawd' is misspelled...and so might that....
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Don't forget to check out Flash Fiction Challenge #109!

Offline Age

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Five)
« Reply #52 on: February 07, 2008, 11:55:59 PM »
Good going here Lee!  The action sequence was pretty good, I could vizualize it well.  Though, i could see them meeting up with whats-her-name from a ways off.

Oh, nice new avatar!!
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Don't forget to check out Flash Fiction Challenge #109!

Offline Age

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Six)
« Reply #53 on: February 08, 2008, 12:09:29 AM »
I must agree, the whole lovey deal seems a bit forced.  The rest of the dialogue is good though.  Getting good now, the plot thickens yet again...
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Don't forget to check out Flash Fiction Challenge #109!

Offline ma100

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Four)
« Reply #54 on: February 08, 2008, 12:10:11 AM »
UH HAH!!! It must of been hiding from me hehe ;)Think I'm still missing some so I'm now on a mission still, makes it different reading chapters in the wrong order. Well done lee.
Mairi

Offline Age

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Four)
« Reply #55 on: February 08, 2008, 12:14:13 AM »
Yeah, it's a bit of a hassle to run them all down and read them...and I do feel a bit guilty, commenting on each peice so far...not trying to push everyone's stuff down the list or anything...
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Don't forget to check out Flash Fiction Challenge #109!

davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Four)
« Reply #56 on: February 08, 2008, 12:27:05 AM »
Thank you guys for taking the time to read them. I hope you are enjoying reading them as much as I did writing them. It has been a fun series for me.

DLJ

davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Five)
« Reply #57 on: February 08, 2008, 12:30:55 AM »
Thanks Age,
I am glad your perception is sharp. I can not get anything past you can I?
You had to have a love interest to give the story more depth.  Besides, she is a kickass character, I could not discard her. She belongs in the story! Besides, she is fun to look at, atleast from where I am sitting! ;)

Your friend,
Lee


Offline ma100

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Six)
« Reply #58 on: February 08, 2008, 12:32:40 AM »
Hi lee . I see you based the love interest on me hehehehehehe. I wish! Keep em coming mate.
Mairi ;D

Offline Age

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Seven)
« Reply #59 on: February 08, 2008, 12:32:59 AM »
Ione embraced him in a great big hug and sent a hot rush of blood to his face after a moist kiss on his red cheek.

I fould this line to be a tad confusing, too many pronouns maybe. 

"Ione embraced him in a great big hug and sent a hot rush of blood to Jerik's face after a moist kiss on his red cheek"

This would read better, IMO.  I'm loving how the memory of Saybon is slipping away, and all the things related to him.  You're doing it well, mate. 

I also think you should put some kind of breaker before you just jump to five days later, something more than just a new line.

My last nit-pick is only grammer related, and being as it's not your strong point, i wont waste any more time than I need, so i wont....this time!!

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Don't forget to check out Flash Fiction Challenge #109!