Author Topic: The Wizard War (Chapters One to Eight)  (Read 25089 times)

Offline Don

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Five)
« Reply #30 on: February 03, 2008, 06:30:58 PM »
DLJ - You continue to inspire.

One small thing: heel, not heal.  Yes, yes, I know.  I hate spellcheck you're thinking, but at least you're not writing with a quill. :)

Keep up the good work.
I have a motto: when in doubt, go for the cheap laugh.


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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Five)
« Reply #31 on: February 04, 2008, 04:11:43 PM »
Spellcheck my thinking anytime. I need all the help I can get. I have always been a terrible speller! I do not mind and not offended when getting help with my mechanics. I appreciate your interest in my work.
I already made that change, thanks Don! ;)

I am sharpening that surgical knife right now...I feel Toothie is going to be on the prowl tonight. You just may find another dead body turning up tomorrow morning....
Thanks for your support in your very kind PMs. You have really become a true friend and I appreciate your concern greatly.

And you are not Ditzy.



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The Wizard War (Chapter Six)
« Reply #32 on: February 04, 2008, 06:57:17 PM »
As Jerik, made his way through the labrynth of narrow dungeon corridors he began thinking about the people that spent the final moments of their lives in this dark underworld. He knew they were making thier way through the part of the underground prison the Regent put unfortunate souls to forget about them. His gaze flashed back and forth into the dark recesses of the dank cells momentarily lingering on old shackled bones feebly bouncing the magic light back to them.
The putrid smell of death and decay was everywhere around him.

Then his eyes fixed onto the strawberry blonde hair of the woman leading the way.
She held her sword before her and it glowed bright with magic light.
The luminesence lit up her face and hair brilliantly and Devon thought how much her face lightened his heart even in this dark place.
She was a angel.

"Ione." He reapeated the name within his mind and realized he had been in love with her for quite some time.
He recalled when they were kids together Saybon would tease him about being in love with her. He would always deny it. Now as his eyes studied her, he embraced those feelings and his heart and body began aching with the need to be with her.

Suddenly they were plunged into darkness.
Jerik stopped in his tracks and strained as he listened in the darkness.

"What happened?" Devon's voice pushed against the oppressive darkness and struggled to meet Devons ears.
He heard the clank of Ione's sword hit the ground.

"It appears the magic in the area has suddenly been drawn on to the point of depleation."

"Damn the gods," Devon cursed, "The Nureaytumea!"

"What is the Nureaytumea?" Ione asked.

"C'mon girl," Devon said with trepidation, "the very item we were fighting over that landed us here."

"Tell her Jerik," Devon's pleading voice reached out into the oppressive darkness, "what we were talking about earlier in the cell."

There was no response as the sword within Ione's grasp sputtered back to life with a more feable light than before. Devon saw from the confused look upon Jerik's face that he was struggling with recalling what they had been talking about earlier.

"Remember Saybon?"

"Who?" Both Jerik and Ione asked in unison.

"The Regent?" He looked at both of his dumbfounded companions.

"You know there is no Regent," Jerik shrugged, "that is the reason the village has become the center of the power vacuum."

Devon looked at his friend in the magic light. Then he looked over to Ione whose expression seemed confused and understanding took root in his mind. The very spell he had mentioned earlier had been performed. The Nureaytumea was definitely out of the box and had been used on the Regent. He wondered just who was wielding it's power.

"Neither of you remembers our childhood friend Saybon?" Devon asked in dismay.

Both his companions shook their heads.
How come he could remember and they could not?

"Come on guys," He sighed, "we need to get out of here and go and see a certain Svoresome."

Even as the last words trailed off he was having trouble remembering what Saybon looked like. He found himself even feeling a bit sorry for this person he had learned to hate over recent years.

"What's a Svoresome?" His two companions asked once again in unison.
Devon wondered just how much longer he would know himself.

"I will explain along the way."

Offline WESTON

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Six)
« Reply #33 on: February 04, 2008, 07:28:49 PM »
i liked this. the dialogue really sets the tone. you use it well. im going to start writing dialogue like that. it has more flare to it than mine does. it paints the dungon journey to the point were it is vivid in my mind.

i dont like being down there and trying to picture strawberries though. it kinda put a bright red pound cake image, right in the middle of my darkness.  just say blond, or redish

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Six)
« Reply #34 on: February 04, 2008, 08:18:10 PM »
Thank you for the comment. I will try to clear up the blond/red thing, sorry to make that a bit confusing.
I apprectiate the help, sometimes I do get carried away and to hear another perspective always helps me clear things up.

That is what makes the site MWC so useful, there are a bunch of great writers here who are willing to help you out.
I found my writing has improved drastically since I joined. Weston, you are going to love this site. Welcome.


Offline WESTON

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Six)
« Reply #35 on: February 05, 2008, 01:31:02 AM »
the strawberry blond thing wasnt confusing, it just had a good ship lollie pop floating in a sea of dark abyss feel to it.

im trying to get on here more and more. im learning a great deal from writers like yourself.

ill keep an eye out for you and your pages.


the original...*ultra-anti-hero

*subject to perverse moods of alternate enthusiasm and melancholy


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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Six)
« Reply #36 on: February 05, 2008, 09:16:34 AM »
heya dude I like it a lot. I would have a look at the first paragraph as it tripped me over a couple of times. I enjoy the pace of your story its fast and intriguing your characters are also interesting.
I would be tempted to change the "he realized he had been in love with her for quite some time" section as that just seems a little bit forced and without the passion necessary for such a realization!

keep going mate!


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The Wizard War (Chapter Seven)
« Reply #37 on: February 05, 2008, 12:53:46 PM »
Devon, Jerik, and Ione found an exit through a drainage tunnel and after a brief struggle with an ancient iron grate, found themselves outside of the main keep's walls.

The town was a frenzy of activity. Frightened villages were being ushered roughly through the muddy streets by steel faced soldiers. They carefully made their way through the town using back alleyways for cover. An hour later they found themselves at the village gate.

Ione used an invisibility shield to get them to the other side unseen. She found it difficult to maintain the spell for more than just a few moments, but it was long enough to go unnoticed by the guards.

"We must get away from here quickly," Devon said as they took cover just off the gate road within a stand of trees, "they will be searching for us as soon as they discovered we have escaped."

"I must stay behind," Jerik said solemnly. He glanced briefly at Ione and then dropped his eyes, "I have unfinished business to take care of."

"Very well my friend," Devon patted him on the shoulder.

"I will find out all I can," Jerik responded, "about what the hell is going on."

Ione embraced him in a great big hug and sent a hot rush of blood to his face after a moist kiss on his red cheek.

"Where are we headed?" Ione asked after they watched Jerik dissappear.

"South," He said with a sigh and pulled his cloak tighter around him, "It will be very dangerous but I fear things are more dangerous here being so close to the Nureaytumea."

As they began their journey down the main road leading away from the village Devon's thoughts turned again to the Regent, the Nureaytumea's unfortunate victim. He still wondered why he remembered at all, even though it was only a wisp of a memory.


He struggled to recall the name, but he refused to let it go.
He knew if he did he would end up losing all memories of even where he was headed. Without the the existance of the Regent, he would have never made this journey in the past, and would not remember the way here in the present.

It was all a delicate house of cards wanting to be forgotten.
The paradox was beginning to give him a headache.

"And who is it we are to see?" Ione asked studying the far off look on Devon's face.

"A Svorvesome named," he struggled for the name and found it very difficult to pull from a rapidly dimming memory. He snatched at it before it slipped completely into the darkness.

Five days of less than uneventful journey found them at the edge of a tree shrouded village. It was hidden from the road by a ridgeline of thick underbrush and foliage. As they neared the treelined timber wall of the village the gate cracked open and out walked an ancient looking fellow dressed in a white cloak.

He approached the two companions and waved at Devon.

"It is good to see you my old friend," The elder man said, "I was hoping you could hold on long enough to afford me a visit before I slipped from your memory altogether."

"Favreau?" Devon asked not remembering the Svorvesomes face.

"I see you remember my name, very good. You are much stonger than I anticipated. This is good news."

"How is it I can still remember it when no one else can recall the world before the Nureaytumea?"

"Ah my boy," the old man put a hand on Devon's shoulder, "that is a very good question. Which brings me to my very good question for you."

Devon answered the statement with a dumbfounded expression.
The old man's lips parted in a sly smile and his gaze turned to Ione who blushed and looked down at her feet.

"Who is this beautiful fiery aparition?"
Favreau lead Ione away towards the village gate leaving Devon standing in confusion.

He shot a glance at the old man who shot him a wink back over his shoulder.

"Are you coming my boy?" He said with a warm smile, "Or would you care to join the Reichtling as dinner."

Devon shivered as he recalled the brief encounter he and Ione had had just two nights before with the crazed half human, half beasts. He slowly followed the others through the village gate that quietly closed on huge wooden hinges behind them.

      ------------------------------------> Meanwhile back at the Village of the Keep<-----------------------------

Captain Hauk huddled in the corner of the dank basement of the small house. He was drenched with sweat after his mad dash from the scene of the battle.

He and twelve men loyal to him decided they would not become one of the Generals "subjects" and decided to resist. Captain Hauk felt good about his chances for General Moncrede had sent all his battle hardened soldiers to the western front. All he and his men would have to fight would be the village folk.

He had been a soldier all of his thirty two years and he had never seen anything like he had seen today. He and his men were able to put up only a meager ten minute fight against their number in towns folk. He was all that was left of that group.

These people their black eyes shining, were possessed. They took out veteran warriors with twenty years of battle experience like they were green pupils on thier first day of weapons training. He saw a seventy year old farmer with a pitchfork take out his best swordsman in just two minutes. This was impossible he cried to himself.

His breath suddenly caught in his throat as he heard russling outside of his hiding place in the cellar. He froze everymuscle straining not to make a single sound. He could hear the clink of armor.

"Captain Hauk?" He heard the familiar young voice. It was one of his guards. He waited a moment before answering. Maybe he was not alone after all. He cursed himself for being such a coward. He gathered himself up and stepped from hiding.

Before him stood Sealic one of his younger guards standing at attention.

"Report Sealic!" The Captian ordered.

"I managed to escape sir," The soldier answered staring straight ahead, "and follow you here sir."

Something struck Captain Hauk as strange about Sealic's manner. He took a few steps closer to study the boys face in better light.
As he stepped closer Sealic held up his closed fist.

"I was told to give this to you."

The Captain froze in his tracks. It was as the boy spoke these last few words he noticed the eyes. They appeared as dark reflecting globes staring back at him. The same dark eyes the village folk and the General's subjects possessed. The boy opened his fist palm up and there coiled within his hand was a small black scaled snake.

"General Moncrede requires your services."

"No!" Captain Hauk cried throwing his arms up as the small snake suddenly lunged through the air. It landed on Hauk's armored shoulder. He tried vainly to swat at it and watched with wide eyed terror as the snake burrowed right into the shiny metal of his shoulder guard. He felt the snakes slimy under belly against the naked skin of his shoulder making it's way up the back of his neck.
He fixed his eyes on the soldier before him.

"Damn you to the underworld!" He cursed at the soldier who greeted the slur with an evil grin.
He felt the two needle like stabs in the back of his neck and felt the icy venum spread quickly through his veins.
His vision suddenly sharpened and the darkness within the basement seemed to light up.
All fear, all emotion, all independant thought dried up as he became one with the collective conscience of the Nureaytumea.

Offline WESTON

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Seven)
« Reply #38 on: February 05, 2008, 01:27:25 PM »
the character interactions are great. Devon and the old man seem to have a shared kindered spirit.

you really open this world up! 
the original...*ultra-anti-hero

*subject to perverse moods of alternate enthusiasm and melancholy


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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Seven)
« Reply #39 on: February 05, 2008, 01:32:05 PM »
Thanks Weston,
There is a lot more ahead, this is just the beginning. ;D
The old man is a really delightful character.

Thanks for reading,

Offline WESTON

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Seven)
« Reply #40 on: February 05, 2008, 01:38:36 PM »
i can tell. i like him already. gotta jet. later.
the original...*ultra-anti-hero

*subject to perverse moods of alternate enthusiasm and melancholy

Offline ma100

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Seven)
« Reply #41 on: February 05, 2008, 02:24:20 PM »
Back with avengence uh Lee ;D Whats next? hehe
( have you got any keys left on your keyboard)

take care


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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Seven)
« Reply #42 on: February 05, 2008, 02:30:20 PM »
another good one dude well done


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The Wizard War (Chapter Eight)
« Reply #43 on: February 06, 2008, 03:00:38 AM »
They made their way through the small quaint village to Favreau's humble home.
It was built in the huge bough limbs of an ancient oak tree that grew on the side of a grass lined hill.

Ione and Devon were amazed at how agile the old man was as they watched him ascend the rope ladder to the tree home with the dexterity of a teenager.

After Favreau fed them sweetbread and rasberry tea they fell into light conversation as the old man fed wood to the fire that burned heartily in the hearth.

After allowing time for the traveled wraggled companions time to get settled the old man's expression turned gavely serious.

"In the five days since you left the town behind you things have grown much worse."

"How do you know of this?" Ione asked in disbelief, "we come straight from there."

The old man pulled a cloth that shrouded a decorative peice in the middle of the huge oak table around which they sat.

A large obsidian ball sat on a rough wooden stand. Ione noted that where the ball rested on the rough wood the wood seemed to have turned to glass itself. Glass shining back the same black obsidian reflection.

"The Mother Dragon's Eye." Favreau said reaching out taking the other two by the hands. They made a circle around the "eye."

To the alarm of the other two the old man's eyes rolled back into his head as if he were having a seizure. They tried to pull away but Favreau had an icy grip they could not tear away from.

Suddenly it was as if they were no longer within the common room of the humble tree home but back on the cobbled streets of the town they had just left.
Everything was dead quiet and at first no one was to be seen. Then marching around the corner in perfect parade lines were the towns people. Ione made a move to step back but found to her horror she could not move.

"Do not worry child," Favreau held her hand reassuredly, " we are not really here."

She flinched as the nearest column marched just inches from her face. She knew these people. She had grown up with them, went to school with them, they were her friends.

Only, they were not. She saw that everyone of the towns folks stared from obsidian eyes devoid of human life. She saw to her horror as Amanda, here sister, marched by that dangling from the back of her neck was a small black scaled snake.
Suddenly with a flash they were back at the tree home.

Favreau quickly covered the Mother Dragon's Eye.

"Moncrede is no longer human, "the old man sighed, "He is now Nureaytumea. And he has amassed a huge army of mindless slaves to push through this region and take over the country."

Devon and Ione stared back in horror, the previous scene of mindless villagers marching in front of them still fresh in their minds.

"Can they be saved?" Ione asked with the picture of her zombie-like sister burned into her memory.

"Now that is exactly why you're here isn't it?" Favreau said cracking a warm smile.
« Last Edit: February 08, 2008, 12:47:33 AM by davidleejones13 »

Offline WESTON

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Eight)
« Reply #44 on: February 06, 2008, 01:20:18 PM »
rich imagery. lovin it
the original...*ultra-anti-hero

*subject to perverse moods of alternate enthusiasm and melancholy