Author Topic: The Wizard War (Chapters One to Eight)  (Read 16433 times)

Offline Christopher Silva

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Two)
« Reply #15 on: January 29, 2008, 09:08:29 AM »
Lee, good work man.


chris

davidleejones13

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The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
« Reply #16 on: January 29, 2008, 09:17:10 AM »
Captain Moncrede brought the package to his room in the Inn.
He set it down on the desk in the corner of the room and sat on the edge of his bed after unbucking his sword.

He had the power to win the war within his hands.
But who would he help?

He loathed Saybon the Regent. He had served under the tyrant for years now and should be a general. Without him Saybon would not even control the lands this very village stood on.
He also did not like the way Saybon had begun strengthening his lines with thugs and theives....and now this. Stolen from the North. Saybon had resorted to theivery himself.

To the Captain it was just too unhonorable.
But so was the offer he had received just two days ago from the enemy. And to Moncrede, treason was even more dishonorable than thievery.
He decided to let events progress for a few more days before he made his final descision.

**

Devon and Jerik sat on the stone floor in a small cramp cell in the main keeps dungeon. It was cold and wet and the sickening smell of mold stuck in thier noses.

They had tried to use magic on the thick shackles that were clamped tightly on their wrists but ward spells on the iron thwarted any attempt of magic from being used upon them.

They had passed the previous hour pondering what the Regent had in store for them. Now Jerick changed the subject to pass the time until the inevitable doom came upon them.

"Tell me Devon," he said after a long thoughtful silence, "the package. I know what it means to the side that possesses it, but exactly what does it hold within?"

Devon stared off into space for a long time before answering with a heavy sigh.
"Ancient and woderous magic Jerick. Very powerful and very dangerous."

"I must know more," he urged as it seemed that is all Devon wanted to offer on the subject.

Devon studied Jerik's face a moment as sadness drew heavy lines upon his.
"To know Jerik," he said slowly, "would prove a heavy burdon. Are you sure you want me to tell you?"

"Yes," Jerik responded swallowing a lump in his throat.

"Okay," Devon answered, "but just note that I warned you you were better off not knowing."

Jerik nodded a seriousness setting his facial expression.

"The object within is called the Nureaytumea." Devon began explaining. "It has been hidden since time forgotten by the Svorsomes, a strange ancient sect of wizards we know little about. It was said they drew on the power of the Nureaytumea to keep their lands and themselves hidden for eons.
The power of the Nureaytumea was so great they simply erased themselves from the face of the Earth.

"In recent times the Svorsome's numbers have dwindled and the remaining wizards of the sect have become weak. One of thier numbers left a century ago and settled in a village south of here where he let tales of the Nureaytumea slip into the world.

"The stories were consider myth until our friend the Regent took upon himself to send assassins to the Svorsome's homeland and kill the remaining wizards that guarded the ancient artifact."

"How do you know so much about it?" Jerik asked quizically.

"I was sent to the village the stray Svorsome resided in to do research when my superior found out what the Regent was upto."

Why is the Nurray...Nureaytumea?" Jerik fumbled with the word, "so dangerous? Could the Wizards use it to win the war?"

Devon pondered the question a moment and then answered carefully.
"The Nureaytumea draws on the very soul of the planet. The magic deep within the core that brings us night and day. The one who possesses the Nureaytumea would have control over the very elements of the world. It is unspeakable power."

A dark shadow crossed over his face as he paused before continuing on.

"Also, if the right incantions are known, the one using the Nureaytumea can....Unmake," Devon choked on the word, "any living being he sees unworthy."

Captain Moncrede tore away the plain brown paper revealing an obsidian box within.


Devon continued, "our only hope lies within the spells that keep the box magically  locked ."

Captain Moncrede curiously studied his distorted and grotesque reflection on the black surface as he heard the whispering voice repeat over and over in his head, "Noxerea, procurium."

"If one was to unlock the package," Devon spit the words out as if they tasted sour, "they would have untold power."

Captain Moncrede shook his head as if to silence the whispering voice.
"Repeat.....Noxerea procurium." Against his will he mouthed the words and as their echo died away the box split open.


"They would have the power of the gods...." Devons voice trailed off.

Captain Moncrede reached inside the obsidian box and a grin parted his lips as his hands closed around the Nureaytumea.

"Or the power of the demons." Jerik responded as understanding took an icy grip upon his soul. "Gods help us."
« Last Edit: February 07, 2008, 12:33:53 PM by davidleejones13 »

memnoch

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
« Reply #17 on: January 29, 2008, 05:57:21 PM »
Excellent this is your best piece in this series. The Switching between the two sections is a strange one,it works for me but I think that I may be in the minority. I really like this you should be proud. It's tense and interesting. I do want to know a little more about Moncrede and I think that this is the best place to put some of his views and prejudices in before he gains untold power!

Offline Christopher Silva

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
« Reply #18 on: January 29, 2008, 06:05:00 PM »
Lee, great!

Chris

davidleejones13

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The Wizard War (Chapter Four)
« Reply #19 on: January 30, 2008, 03:06:00 AM »
The Captain pulled the Nureaytumea from its black obsidian box.
He was a bit taken back to see a black scaled snake in his grasp. He saw the snakes eyes were like two black obsidian globes staring back at him.
The snakes tongue flickered across his wrist as it's black diamond shaped head began swaying back and forth.

The snake had the Captain mesmerized as it slowly coiled itself around his forearm. He wanted to shake the snake loose but he was frozen paralyzed unable to move his arm.

The snake's black head lowered and the Captain watched in horror as two black fanged teeth plunged into the viens of his exposed wrist. He saw black venum darken the blood vessel before his eyes as a stinging fire made its way up his arm. He felt magical power flowing with the black venum and suddenly his senses sharpened.

He felt a sudden surge of strength as the fire reached the base of his skull and he looked at his reflection in the obsidian box.

Suddenly he saw the white of his eyes and the iris dissolve into black obsidian. He was also suddenly aware of an overwhelmingly powerful prescence within his mind.

"Thank you Captain Moncrede," He heard within his head as the soul that was the Captain was dispatched leaving only his memories and knowledge behind to be used at the disposal of his bodies new tenant.

The snake around his wrist solidified into a black metal gaunlet. The metal relief of the snake's body could still be seen.

"Guard," He called out.
The young soldier cracked the door and peered in.
"Yes Captain Moncrede?"
"Call for the Regent," he answered studying his new face on the smoothness of the empty black box, "tell him to come claim his prize."

An evil grin crossed his wheathered face as the young guard left on his errand. He looked down at the metal glove upon his hand running his other hand over the ridges of the snake.
"We are Nureaytumea..."

"Sir?" the young guard was back about twenty minutes later.
"Come," Nureaytumea ordered.

"Sir," the door cracked, "the Regent has-"
The young guard was cut short as Saybon pushed his way past shoving the door ajar sending it crashing against the wall showering loose stucco to the polished wooden floor.

"Where is it Captian?" The Regent asked striding into the room with arrogant confidence.

Nureaytumea smiled still looking at his reflection in the mirror.
He slowly turned to face the Regent without getting up from his chair.

"You will stand and address me Captian!" Saybon ordered distain dripping like venom from each word.

The Regent was taken back when his statement was met by booming laughter.
Saybon faultered as he noticed the two black mirrored eyes that stared back at him from underneath the Captains brow.

"It is you who will kneel before Nureaytumea," the Captains voice echoed off the walls of the room with hollow resonance, "and give me allegiance."

The slackjawd Regent straightened and lifted his chin to look down his nose at the wizended looking soldier.

"What is the meaning of this indignancey?" He demanded defiantly.
Nureaytumea raised his gaunlet clad hand and slowly stood.

Saybon felt an overwhelming force pushing down upon his shoulders and he found himself kneeling before the Captain against his will. He tried to voice his disapproval but found his tongue had swollen within his mouth and he was unable to voice his dismay.

Nureaytumea closed his obsidian eyes and began chanting in a long forgetten anceint language as he slowly approached the Regent.
Saybon watched in horror as Nureaytumea raised his gaunleted hand and grabbed the thread of his being and slowly unravelled the fabric of his existance.

Within the space of three breaths the Regent ceased to exist.... His memory was erased from the minds of anyone who had ever came in contact with him. His reign came to an end as his badge of office hit the Inn floor with a metallic thud.
Nureaytumea turned to the young guard.

"Rally the Garrison Commanders to me now."


Offline Big T

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Four)
« Reply #20 on: January 30, 2008, 03:29:53 AM »
Interesting dlj13 ... some obvious repetititions at the start certainly has the makings of a good story ... my help for what it's worth!


The Captain pulled the Nureaytumea from its black obsidian box.
He was a bit taken back to see a black scaled snake in his grasp. He saw the snakes eyes were like two black obsidian globes staring back at him.
The snakes tongue flickered across his wrist as it's black diamond shaped head began swaying back and forth.

The snake had the Captain mesmerized as it slowly coiled itself around his forearm. He wanted to shake the snake loose but he was frozen paralyzed unable to move his arm.

The snake's black head lowered and the Captain watched in horror as two black fanged teeth plunged into the viens of his exposed wrist. He saw black venum (venom) darken the blood vessel before his eyes as a stinging fire made its way up his arm. He felt magical power flowing with the black venom and suddenly his senses sharpened.

I stopped counting the repititions here)...

He felt a sudden surge of strength as the fire reached the base of his skull and he looked at his reflection in the obsidian box.

Suddenly he saw the white of his eyes and the iris dissolve into black obsidian. He was also suddenly aware of an overwhelmingly powerful prescence within his mind.

"Thank you Captain Moncrede," He heard within his head as the soul that was the Captain was dispatched leaving only his memories and knowledge behind to be used at the disposal of his bodies new tenant.

The snake around his wrist solidified into a black metal gaunlet. The metal relief of the snake's body could still be seen.

"Guard," He called out.
The young soldier cracked the door and peered in.
"Yes Captain Moncrede?"
"Call for the Regent," he answered studying his new face on the smoothness of the empty black box, "tell him to come claim his prize."

An evil grin crossed his wheathered face as the young guard left on his errand. He looked down at the metal glove upon his hand running his other hand over the ridges of the snake.
"We are Nureaytumea..."

"Sir?" the young guard was back about twenty minutes later.
"Come," Nureaytumea ordered.

"Sir," the door cracked, "the Regent has-"
The young guard was cut short as Saybon pushed his way past shoving the door ajar sending it crashing against the wall showering loose stucco to the polished wooden floor.

"Where is it Captian?" The Regent asked striding into the room with arrogant confidence.

Nureaytumea smiled still looking at his reflection in the mirror.
He slowly turned to face the Regent without getting up from his chair.

"You will stand and address me Captian!" Saybon ordered distain dripping like venom from each word.

The Regent was taken back when his statement was met by booming laughter.
Saybon faultered as he noticed the two black mirrored eyes that stared back at him from underneath the Captains brow.

"It is you who will kneel before Nureaytumea," the Captains voice echoed off the walls of the room with hollow resonance, "and give me allegiance."

The slackjawed Regent straightened and lifted his chin to look down his nose at the wizended looking soldier.

"What is the meaning of this indignancey?" He demanded defiantly. Indignancey - not in my dictionary
Nureaytumea raised his gaunlet clad hand and slowly stood.

Saybon felt an overwhelming force pushing down upon his shoulders and he found himself kneeling before the Captain against his will. He tried to voice his disapproval but found his tongue had swollen within his mouth and he was unable to voice his dismay.

Nureaytumea closed his obsidian eyes and began chanting in a long forgetten anceint language as he slowly approached the Regent.
Saybon watched in horror as Nureaytumea raised his gauntleted hand and grabbed the thread of his being and slowly unravelled the fabric of his existance. existence

Within the space of three breaths the Regent ceased to exist.... His memory was erased from the minds of anyone (everyone?) who had ever came in contact with him. Come into contact, been in contact?His reign came to an end as his badge of office hit the Inn floor with a metallic thud.
Nureaytumea turned to the young guard.

"Rally the Garrison Commanders to me now."



davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Four)
« Reply #21 on: January 30, 2008, 03:36:38 AM »
Big T,
Thanks for taking the time out to send the edits. I must go catch some sleep now, I will work on fixing her up tomorrow or Thursday. I appreciate the look out!  ;)
I know my grammar skills leave a lot to be desired.

DLJ13

Offline Big T

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Four)
« Reply #22 on: January 30, 2008, 03:48:06 AM »
It's the effort ... on your part .. that really counts.   ;)

Offline ma100

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
« Reply #23 on: January 30, 2008, 06:20:38 AM »
oh sheesh!!!! Lee your doing it again mate... Just when I thought I could sleep again hehe. Well done mate It's very, very good.
take care  ;)
Mairi

Offline Nomic

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
« Reply #24 on: January 30, 2008, 07:06:36 AM »
I thought I wouldn't like this at all.  That changed when I reached the line "A dark shadow crossed over his face as he paused before continuing on."  Mixing the dialog with the action worked for me.  I like it; especially how the Nureaytumea wants to be opened.

The first part, however, is more like a history lesson.  Highschool history class soured me on history.  I'd much rather see the action.  My suggestion: find every occurence of the word "had" and rewrite it with action in mind. Ex: "He had the power to win the war with his hands." could be "His hands held the power to decide the fate of this war."  Whetever you do, do not use the word "had".

Offline Christopher Silva

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
« Reply #25 on: January 30, 2008, 07:50:01 AM »
Nomic, the 'had' idea is an interesting one. I think I'll read this again with that in mind and see if it makes a difference.

Lee, tune this up and you have a great episode here.

Chris

davidleejones13

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
« Reply #26 on: January 30, 2008, 11:21:38 AM »
Nomic,
Great suggestion, I will work on this and repost in a day or two.
That is why I am sold on MWC, the help I recieve here in so valuable. You guys are the best editors (and friends) in the world!

Thanks so much Nomic!

Ma, and Chris.
You two are gold. I do not think I would have posted a third of what I have it were not for you two.
Ma just taunts me to write more, while Chris helps me to write better.

Cheers to all three of you guys!
Lee ;D

Offline diablosway5869

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Three)
« Reply #27 on: January 31, 2008, 02:26:18 AM »
nice im into wizards..you had  a typo towards the beginning but i think your book will do good once you complete it.

davidleejones13

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The Wizard War (Chapter Five)
« Reply #28 on: February 03, 2008, 04:37:53 PM »
Devon and Jerik heard the guards descending the stairs out side of the dungeon cell.

"I want to do the shorter one on the rack!" One said to the other as they reached the iron bar door fumbling with the keys, "I want to see if 'n I can make 'em taller than the other one."

The other guard chuckled as they opened the creaking rusty door.

"Hello boys," the first guard said with a cheerful smile, "we are to be your torturers today."

They ushered the two prisoners outside into the dark dungeon corridor. As they passed through the doorway Devon felt the wards against magic drop away.

After just a few steps down the corridor Jerik was on the first guard in a flash. The burly man grabbed for his sword with one hand while struggling to grasp at the thick links of Jerik's shackle chain that dug into his neck with the other.

Devon already had a spell at the ready and wasted no time putting the other guard down as his companion struggled with the bigger one. Moments later both men stood over their unconscious would be torturers freeing themselves from their shackles.

"Good thing," Devon said rubbing his raw bleeding wrists, "the Regent is too cheap to hire smart soldiers."

"Something does not sit right with me," Jerik said attaching the ring of the guards keys to his belt, "that was just too easy."

"Haven't you ever heard of good ol' fashioned luck?"

"Grow up my friend," Jerik shot back with a furrowed brow, "there is no such thing as luck."

Jerik grabbed up the sword and deftly leaped over the two prostrate guards. As he landed on the other side he looked up the stone staircase into the eyes of a young scribe dressed in a tattered gray cloak.
The boy stared back wide eyed with fear.

"Boy," Jerik held up a warning hand realizing the young one was about to shout out the alarm, "You don't want to do that!"

The boy was too far up the stone stair way to grab.
The frightened young one turned and quickly made his way back up the stairs.

Jerik cursed and bound up the steep stairs in persuit.

Devon stood dumbfounded at the bottom of the steps amazed at the speed at which Jerik climbed the steps and reached the first landing disappearing around the blind corner.

Devon heard one of the men at his feet groan as he began climbing the steps after his compainion.
A breath later Jerik came skidding back around the corner.

"Run!" He shouted bounding down the steps and past a befuddled Devon.
"What the Hell-" His words were cut off as a trio of mean looking guard dogs rounded the corner in barking persuit.

All he could see was frothing mouths full of teeth and glowing red eyes.

"Hell hounds?" He turned on his heel and jumped over the two waking guards.

"Good luck boys!" He said over his shoulder as the two men sat up with groggy looks upon thier faces that suddenly turned to surprise. Two of the hounds broke off their chase and bit hungrily into human flesh and Devon heard the blood curdling screams behind him.

He ran as hard as he could. The thought of certain death had given him surprising speed down the corridor. Devon tried to think of a spell to facilitate an escape but he was too frightened to focus.

Devon heard the gaining padded pawsteps right on his heal and he knew he was done for. He was confident the hound would only take mere seconds of pain wracked hell to kill him off. These animals were aided by dark magic and were too strong to fight off by hand. Only magic could stop them but he was too panic stricken to think of a spell.

He rounded a corner and slammed into the opposite wall unable cut the turn in the hallway tight enough. He fell to the floor a sprawl of arms and legs. Devon rolled over to look into the red glowing eyes of the evil hound springing through the air about to pounce upon him.

"This is it." Flashed in his mind.

"Suspendious!" A high pitched womans voice cut through the dank dungeon air.
Devon stared wide eyed as the animal before him stopped in mid air just inches above his face.

A long spindal of dog druel dripped from the gaping tooth filled maul and ran down the side of Devon cheek.

"What-" he stared at the evil visage suspened before him. He heard the dog whimper as strong hands grabbed him and slid him from beneath the surprised animal.

"Look who I ran into!" Jerik said with a smile pulling him to his feet.

Devon turned to look awestruck into the red haired freckled face of his savior.
"What....how?" He stammered.

"It is good to see you too!" She said with a wide grin, "We can sort out all the details later. Right now we need to get the Hell out of here!"

Devon heard the barking of the other two dogs as he looked behind him at the suspended third hound.

"Devon," he heard Jeriks voice from the end of the corridor, "are you coming?"

"No such thing as luck my ass!" He scoffed to himself as he quickly followed after.
« Last Edit: February 04, 2008, 04:04:59 PM by davidleejones13 »

Offline ma100

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Re: The Wizard War (Chapter Five)
« Reply #29 on: February 03, 2008, 06:09:22 PM »
Hi Lee
This one is going along great mate really enjoying reading. The hound suspended in mid pounce, it reminded me of my uncles old pub. a He had this life size resin wolf in mid flight snarling and dribbling. It used to frighten the life out of me and the punters as they entered the bar. Well done Lee...
 :)
Mairi