Author Topic: The Long Con 2nd draft...plz read...only takes 10 mins!  (Read 2762 times)

Offline zod

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The Long Con 2nd draft...plz read...only takes 10 mins!
« on: November 28, 2007, 04:56:21 PM »
Well, this is my 2nd draft of my script that I've been working on for a while. I made a few changes here and there based on your feedback. Please, please let me know what you think. I'm a student filmmaker and my production company might produce this into a short film. We're called Creative Spectrum Productions and you can check us out at and also on facebook, so please add us to your friends because we're trying to get noticed. Anyways, this scripts sub-genre is crime/drama and its influenced and inspired by The Killing, The Godfather part II, Miller's Crossing, and Reservoir Dogs. Please tell me what you think! Thanks!

The Long Con

Written by

Bryce Britt


One long shot of a man talking to another man at his desk, yet the man talking we donít clearly see his face and we donít see at all who he is talking to.  In the single shot, there are lot of shadows covering up most of their faces along with blinds shown through the shadows.

A close-up shot of a man lighting a cigarette.

   Now I need you to do this
   and I could care less what
   you think. If your serious
   about making it in this
   business of mine then you
   will do this job for me and
   donít think for a second you
   canít be replaced. You must
   understand that sacrifices
   have to be made in order
   to work your way up the
   ladder in this business
   and you must be willing
   to do whatever is asked.
   Okay? Hereís the list, you
   know what to do. Get back
   to me after youíve completed
   the job. You have one month.


Several camera shots of two men talking to each other in a room.


   Okay Vic if weíre gonna
   do this, weíll only have
   three minutes and thatís
   Three minutes? What have
   you been smoking? Weíre
   going to need more time
   than that! I donít see how
   we can do this job in three
   Trust me, Iíve gone over
   the plan in my head a
   million times and itís
   foolproof. Thatís just
   enough time for us to get
   in, take care of things,
   and get outta there. Besides,
   if someone hits the alarm
   weíll both be out of
   there before the cops
   show up.
   Okay John, but weíre really
   going to have to be fast
   to pull it off in that
   amount of time. What happens

   While Iím handling the
   money, your going to be
   watching over the customers,
   the guards and everyone
   else. Your main job is to
   watch my back so no one
   tries to be a hero or do
   something stupid.
   Easy, I can do that. No
   problem. Is that all?

   Yeah, I think I covered
   Letís go over everything
   from the beginning to be
   clear on things.


   Okay. We donít want it to
   get out of hand like last
   time. No slip-ups. Just you
   and me robbing a bank and
   nothing can get in the way
   this time. Lets start from the


DECTECTIVE JACK has been trailing John and VIC for months now. The scene opens with JACK on the phone talking to a cop who is discussing traces as to the duos whereabouts. Heís sitting at his desk looking at and observing several pictures taken of John and Vic.

      Detective Jack

   (While talking on the phone)
   What is the latest of
   our guys?ÖOkayÖOkayÖWell,
   Iíll be on my way shortly.
   Iím going to track these guys
   down and get the money backÖ   
   theyíre not going to get
   away this time. Yeah, I know
   theyíve killed in the past
   but donít worry about me. I
   can take care of myself.    
   Well, I better go and if
   anything should happen to 
   me, I want you to make sure
   the department puts these
   guys behind bars. Got it?


A shot of JOHN and VIC out in a practice range shooting their guns off in the fields of an open country.

   We need the practice, weíre
   not gonna kill anybodyÖunless
   someone threatens my life I
   wonít hesitate to take Ďem


   Iím just ready for this to
   be over and done with.


   Hey, in a week from now
   were going to be a million
   dollars richer and then
   weíll finally have a
   future, at least a start.
   Then we wonít have to
   be doing this stuff

   This is the last time.    


Long shot of the outside of a bank, we then see JOHN and VIC pull up in a car from a distance.  They get out and take some guns out of the trunk, hiding it in their jackets.


   Are you sure that you
   wanna go through with this?
   Itís not too late. We can
   still back out.


   No, no, weíre gonna go through
   with this cause weíve worked
   too hard just to get to this
   point now. Were going to do this
   the right way this time.
   Remember that we really need
   this money. You just got
   laid off and with my criminal
   record I canít get a job
   anywhere in the state, you
   know that. Weíre brothers
   and weíll do this together.

   Okay, your right. Iím just
   making sure were both
   committed to doing it this
   time. So lets do it.


   Well you know the plan, just
   stick to it and in a few
   minutes weíll be richer
   than we have ever dreamed
   of. Lets go.

JOHN and VIC then approach the bank and walk inside of it.  Shot fades out.

Shot in front of the bank, then JOHN and VIC come running out of the entrance.
   Unbelievable, this canít be

As their running to their car to make their getaway, we see that their car is blocked off, another car is parked in front of them so they canít get out.  They then take off running on to the street, planning to stop the first car they see. The shot fades out.


JOHN and VIC have been running for a while, seeing as their both sweating.  There are police sirens in the background.  It appears JOHN has been shot in the arm and heís bleeding.  They then stop running and take a rest. Both are breathing and panting hard.


   Okay, lets stop for a minute.
   I think we lost them. We need
   a breath. How bad were you
   hit? Are you gonna make it?


   Yeah, I think so. That cop
   made a lucky shot. Iím not
   gonna lie, this hurts man.

A shot of a car coming towards them on the road.  VIC walks right out in front of it and points his gun up in the air and fires.


   (Shouts while pointing his
   gun at the driver) Get out
   of the car now!


   Easy Vic!

   Just get out of the car now
   and we will go about our
   business! Just walk away
   and you wonĎt die!
VIC walks to the car door and opens it, then grabs the man to throw him out of the car, but the man reaches in the glove compartment for a gun.  But before he gets his gun to shoot VIC, VIC shoots him in the chest.  He then throws him out on the street, then JOHN and VIC get in the car and take off driving.  As they continue driving the shot fades out.

The next scene is a couple of shots of Detective Jack making a phone call.



   Hi, this is Detective Jack
   and I wanted to let you know
   that there has been a bank
   robbery a little while ago,
   and Iíve been informed that
   the robbers are headed
   toward your house so I got
   your phone number and thought
   that I should let you know
   about the situation.


   A bank robbery, huh.


   Yes, I also wanted to ask if
   your armed because these
   guys are dangerous and
   theyíve already killed a


   Oh Iím armed alright.


   Well good, Iím headed out to
   try and track them down while
   Iím hot on their trail. Itís
   two guys, both around 6 feet
   with black hair. Theyíre
   also sporting some black
   jackets with blue jeans. Just
   be on the lookout and you
   should probably prepare
   yourself, incase you see


   Okay Iíll be on the watch
   for Ďem.

A shot of JACK getting in his car and taking off.


Next shot shows JOHN and VIC driving in the country.  After making several turns in the woods, they then appear to be driving up to a abandoned house in the woods.  They park near the house and get out. (I donít know where youíre planning on filming this. I know we had talked about the shop across the creek, but that was about a year ago and I said I would have to ask my parents first. My dad has since been cleaning it out and is working on several projects in there, so the shop is off limits for filming.)
   Well, this is it. I talked
   to Joe and he said this is
   a good hideout for the
   night. No one knows weíre
   even here.


   You sure? What if we were
   followed? I never talked
   to Joe.


   Vic, itís safe. Donít
   worry, you trust me right?
   Besides, look at this place
   Öitís all country, no one
   could possibly know weíre


   Something about it just
   doesnít seem right. Itíll
   work I guess, we just need
   to take off first thing
   in the morning and get a
   new car, so then we can
   get back on the road and
   distance ourselves from this


   Alright, why donít you go
   get the money and weíll
   count it.

VIC goes and gets the money from the car and the shot fades out.  Next shot shows DECTECTIVE JACK driving out in the country and is getting closer to their hideout, while heís talking on a cell phone receiving their traces.     


JOHN and VIC finish counting the money inside the house.


   Alright! John, thereís
   gotta be over a million
   Yeah, thereís a lot. This
   money is going to start a
   new life for us, or I should
   say start a new life for


   You? What are you talking


   Well, you see VicÖ
   thereís still one thing
   left to do.



Then JOHN takes out a piece of paper and unfolds it and hands it to VIC.


   What is this?


   Just read it.

The shot zooms in on the paper.  Itís a list with a lot of peoples names on it, with VICíS name being on the very top of it.  Then JOHN takes out his gun and points it at VIC.

   Alright John, what are
   you doing? Quit messing
   around here, we need to
   be planning what were
   going to do for tomorrow.


   Iím sorry brother, but I
   have to kill you.


   What are you talking about?
   Just put the gun down and
   stop joking around.

   I wish it was only a joke
   but Iíve been hired to kill
   you and Iím gonna get paid
   a sweet little fortune for
   doing it. You see, I need
   the money more than you and
   if it at all matters, you
   have my sympathies.

   Wait, how can you kill your
   own brother Johnny?

   Listen Vic, donít try and
   make me feel guilty. I
   know about all the things
   youíve done and that you
   were an informant and ratted
   me out on my last job when
   I was busted. I did some
   hard time for that and when
   I heard it was you, well I
   havenít forgotten it. Come on,
   lets do this outside.

   But John?



VIC walks out of the house with JOHN right behind him pointing his gun to VICíS back and walks him out in the woods.


   You donít have to do this John.


   Shut up! Keep moving!


   Johnny, you canít do this!
   Your not a cold blood killer!
      (JOHN doesnít answer,
      he just keeps walking)
   Iím a nobody! Iíve done
   lots of wrong, but Iíve
   never crossed a friend,
   nor you.
      (VIC falls to his
   I canít die out
   here like an animal!    
   Please donít do this!
      (John slowly aims
      his gun at VICíS

A close-up shot of JOHNíS face.


A POV (Point of View) shot of JOHN looking down to the ground and drops his gun and falls down. A camera shot pans around and DECTECTIVE JACK is standing a distance from JOHN and VIC with his gun pointed at them after he had shot JOHN. VIC quickly grabs JOHNíS gun and starts shooting at JACK. VIC charges at JACK, whom shoots VIC in the arm and is tackled to the ground. Then they both engage in a brutal fist fight. JACK throws VIC to the ground, then puts his arm around his neck and starts choking him.  VIC is about to die, then he reaches for a knife in his pocket and stabs JACK in the arm. JACK then takes the knife out and is about to kill VIC with it, then suddenly he gets blown away by gunfire.

The camera pans over to JOHN lying in the ground holding a pistol. It appears that he killed JACK and that JOHN didnít die after all, he had been shot but it wasnít fatal. He then gets up and walks over to VIC and helps him up.

   Are you alright?


   Yeah, just grazed me.
   Lucky he didnít kill me
   though. Jackís been
   chasing us for a while,
   now heís finally met his

   Jack was going to kill me,
   so why did you save me?


   Well, right before Jack
   shot me I thought about
   what you said. Youíre my
   brother and if you say
   youíve never crossed me
   than you havenít. Even
   if itís for a lot of money,
   weíre family.

   Well thanks John. But
   regretfully, I always see the
   job through.



A FLASHBACK proceeds in which it is from the beginning with the mob boss talking to a man and hands him the list. When he gives him the list the camera pans to his face and it is VIC. FLASHBACK ends.

VIC takes out a pistol from his jacket and shoots JOHN in the chest.
VIC then goes back to the house to put the money back in the car. While he is doing so, he suddenly gets shot and falls to the ground. He was shot by the redneck with his rifle. The redneck goes over to VICíS body and picks up the briefcases full of money and gets in VICíS stolen car and drives off.

End titles.

Mint chocolate chip! - Michael Scott (The Office)


  • Guest
Re: The Long Con 2nd draft...plz read...only takes 10 mins!
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2007, 10:37:37 AM »
It's a good story, plenty of action and movement in it. The dialogue really needs some work though as it comes across as very cheesy. There's lots of examples of it, I'll just pick on the last one I read

"Jackís been
   chasing us for a while,
   now heís finally met his

Can you really 'hear' the character saying that? I can't.

That sort of leads on to the second problem. All the characters have the same 'voice'. They have the same mannerisms, the same terminology. Now fair enough, the two main characters are brothers so they will be close in speech. You need to make more discrimiation between them though in the dialogue.

I think all you need to do is several read-throughs. Tape them, then listen back to them. You'll see what I mean - or decide that they sound fine when read aloud, that's often the way it goes. Do give it a try though because the dialogue is key to this and I think you're selling yourself short.

On a minor technical issue.

Your -  'Your dinner is getting cold'
You're  contraction of you are 'If you're coming, then do it now.'
Their - belongs to them 'Bring their wallets as well, we can use the cards.'
They're - contraction of they are - "They're gonna catch us if you don't stop screaming'

Not a big deal but it got mildly on my wick throughout the read. It'll get to script readers in just the same way if you ever submit it so I thought I'd mention it.

Good luck with it, as I say, it's a good, readable story.

T S Teller

  • Guest
Re: The Long Con 2nd draft...plz read...only takes 10 mins!
« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2008, 07:49:59 PM »
Sorry Zod I don't see much change from before, I like your story but not its presintation I left advice for you on your first drafting and it dosn't look like you agreed with me, if not tell me why thats what we do here, talk about our work and if you don't agree with my comments tell me and I can learn from you in turn. Keep at it as you could end up with somthing good.

Cheers Bud