Author Topic: a poem i have written last year... hoping for comments  (Read 2642 times)

Offline -ling_philo04-

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a poem i have written last year... hoping for comments
« on: October 23, 2007, 04:20:30 AM »
HOW DO THEY LOVE?

How does an eagle fall in love?
Will he leave the sky and forget his beauty;
Change his way of living and disregard his duty?
How does a lion fall in love?
Will he go away and leave his crown;
Step down off his throne
And stay on ground?
How does a cobra fall in love?
Will he take his venom and forget his sting;
Humble himself and take the fling?
What if a demon fell in love with an angel?
Who will earn the hold?
Will the demon fly away from hell and suffer to where it is cold;
Or will the angel abandon heaven and forsake the songs retold?
How do they love?
Is it as much as what I do?
Or just a little different from the things I knew
Do we really have to sacrifice
And insist those not meant to be?
Or search within the darkened nooks
And dictate the foretold of destiny.
How do we fall in love?
Whatís the right thing to be done?
Why do we keep on concluding?
And why do we cry when it is gone?
Everything is a mystery,
Untangled and obscure                                                   
And everything that is happening
Is something we should inure

Now how do I fall in love?
Am I wrong when I say Iím letting go
When things are not meant to be?
When I have decided not to insist
And to set my heart in liberty
Now am I right if I go hoping
When after all I knew ,
That Iím just waiting for nothing
And in my life I need to continue
Now how do we love?
Is it a continuous struggle
That  knows no defeat?
Or chosen sacrifices
That prefers retreat?
-let's invade the world through our works-

Offline L.Carmichael_67

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Re: a poem i have written last year... hoping for comments
« Reply #1 on: October 25, 2007, 09:47:30 AM »
Oh wow, I loved your poem it's very well worded, I loved the part at the beginning about the eagle and the lion.

Offline -ling_philo04-

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Re: a poem i have written last year... hoping for comments
« Reply #2 on: October 26, 2007, 11:13:00 PM »
 ;) thanks for the comment.... glad to hear that you like it
-let's invade the world through our works-

Offline HaroHalola

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Re: a poem i have written last year... hoping for comments
« Reply #3 on: October 27, 2007, 06:09:20 PM »
-ling_philo04- Would be engaged to comment on this interesting Poem; my style of Crit. is an overview of the "flow," grammar, syntax, & (occasionally) Word selection.  Have taken the liberty to copy/paste your Work to facilitate my suggestions to the aforementioned, in no manner an agenda to "ReWrite" your Poem; hope these offerings help to further your experience -   H'H./H..e.m.


HOW DO THEY LOVE?

How does an eagle fall into love?
Will he leave the sky and forget his beauty
Change his way and disregard duty?
How does a lion fall in love?
Will he go away, leave his crown
Step-down from his throne
And stay the ground?
How does a cobra fall in love?
Will he take his venom, forget his sting
Humble himself and take the fling?
What if a demon fell in love with an angel?
Who will earn the hold?
Will the demon fly from hell to suffer cold?
Or will the angel abandon heaven and forsake the songs retold?
How do they love?
Is it as much as what I do?
Or a bit different from the things I knew
Must we really sacrifice
And insist to those not meant to be?
Or search within the darkened nooks
Which dictate the foretold of destiny?
How do we fall in love?
Whatís the right-thing to be done?
Why do we keep concluding?
Then why cry when it is gone?
Everything is mystery,
Untangled and obscure                                                   
And everything happening
Is something to inure

Now, how do I fall in love?
Am I wrong to say Iím letting go
When things are not meant to be?
When I have decided not to insist
And set my heart to liberty
Now am I right if I go hoping
When, after all I knew,
That Iím just waiting for nothing
For in my life I must pursue
Now how do we love?
Is it a continuous struggle
That  knows not defeat?
Or chosen sacrifices
That prefer retreat?
""WE ARE NOT DEFINED BY OUR POETRY, RATHER OUR POETRY DEFINED BY US!""

Love, through a Sacred sharing of Body
the enfusion of Two Hearts,
Love, the enfusion of Two Hearts
through a Sacred sharing of Body.

                               H.e.m./H'H.
                               9.11.MMv

Offline Amie

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Re: a poem i have written last year... hoping for comments
« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2007, 01:25:04 PM »
Heya -ling - good to see a new poster :) (and I love your picture in your avatar!)

I think....  these question poems are always difficult, they tend to be more like essays, and less good at re-creating experience.

It's a nice idea for a poem, but it has a lot of weaknesses that are common to new poetry writers.  The notes in this sticky may be helpful to you, particularly the ones with respect to abstractions and generalisations:  http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7667.0

Hope that helps :)
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Offline -ling_philo04-

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Re: a poem i have written last year... hoping for comments
« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2007, 03:39:12 AM »
thanks for the suggestion.. glad to hear from all of you..

i write not actually as a profession and only as a hobby... i'm glad to learn a lot of ways to improve things!!!!

---> ayways, thanks for the comment on my avatar  ;)
-let's invade the world through our works-