Author Topic: Bar Talk  (Read 3993 times)

Offline pastrami

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Bar Talk
« on: October 31, 2007, 07:27:58 AM »
As an exercise I have attempted to make a piece I wrote some time ago into a film script. It was simple and was mostly dialouge.Tried to follow the script layout. Wasn't sure to write it in a cockney accent but decided it wasn't necessary? Any comments would be apprecaited?


JACK is 25 years old. Wears a leather jacket  over a white T shirt.. Heís dark haired and good looking with the designer stubble.

PHIL is 20 years old and wears a black T shirt and jeans. The black T shirt reads ďFCUK SUKSĒ . Shaven head with overgrown stubble.
BARMAID is brunette and about 18 years old and attractive. Sheís kept busy serving drinks.

Typical London pub with drinkers sitting around small tables. Atmosphere smoky. Background sound of conversation and laughter. The TV is on without sound.

Camera positioned at one end of the bar and focused on the side view of the barmaid pulling a pint and taking orders. The camera pans along the bar and focuses on Jack. He is alone and looks dejected.

Camera three quarters behind Jack and shows him sitting at the bar. There is a mirror behind the bar that he watches. He can see who is entering the pub. A man walk in looking about him. It is Phil.


Camera now positioned behind the bar facing Jack. Shows Jack and the approaching Phil   
Before Phil reaches Jack.

( drops his gaze and mouths the word)


(Phil places his hand on Jack shoulder. In a South London accent (cockney))

Hey Jack, How you doing?

(Accent more educated but still London).

Fine , what you having, the usual?

( Looks about him and sees the barmaid)

Yea, the same as you.

The barmaid delivers the beer and Jack pays.

(Nods toward the bar maid.)

She new?

Yes sheís a kanga.

A wot?

An Ausie - from Australia.

Oh . Too many of those about, but Iíll make her an exception.

Yea,  not bad.

( Phil lowers his voice)
Got to watch your change with them you know. They come here to make money and than go back to raise Emuís. Donít know what you do with them. Probably cooks  them on their BBQís.

(Jack nods in agreement.)

You know. One thing about those Ausies. They live for their sport, you know? Itís like a religion to them.

Camera back to position behind the couple

(Picks up the bored look of Jack in the mirror behind the bar again.)


Yeah they love it, itís their life. Canít understand it though. Sport is dangerous and ought to be banned if I had my way.


Suppose thereís nothing much else to do in the outback.


Yeah. It should have a health warning.

What the outback?


No , stupid. Sport . It should have a health warning.

How come?


Well, for a start, if you bought a new car and it was your pride and joy, would you run it at full revs every day, take it over ruts and hills, push it to the limit every time you drove it.Ē
( He turns toward Phil for the first time)
Thatís what I do.

Come on Jack be serious
(Phil moves closer to Jack).
   Well, like I was saying. You take your car, or it could be a horse, thatís even a better example, you ride your horse all day at full gallop. Do you think it would last long?Ē
(Phil holds up his hand.)
 ď No- Iíll answer before I get some stupid remark from you. No you wouldnít expect it to last, it would probably make itís own way to the knackers yard aged three for a rest. Well, if that happens to a horse think about people who play sport. They run around at full pelt straining gut and muscle and risking injury for what? In order to WIN?  The only prize they get is an early bit of peace and quiet six foot under. You know what I mean?
( Jack sips his beer.)
 Also, even if you donít play you can get injured just by watching it. You can get in a riot on the football stands and get a beer bottle in your head or get into fight with a rival team of  supporters and get stabbed. Even if you take you little Johnny to play for his local park football team you could get head butted by another parent. Some of these parents can be real vicious. Yeah, it should be banned.Ē
(Jack looked at his reflection in the mirror behind the bar.)


 I know people who have nearly lost an eye playing squash and some who limp and end up having replacements, all in the cause of sport. And if I were an employer I wouldnít pay a bean to any of my workers that got injured at the weekend on the sports field.
( In posh voice)
 Sorry Mr Manager,  canít come if for the next six weeks Iíve broken my ankle paying football at the weekend.
( Philís normal voice)l
Iíd reply, thatís you own stupid fault Ė youíre sacked.Ē
Want another drink Phil?Ē
No thanks Jack. Gotta go. Sorry to leave, it was really nice to have a decent chat again.
Close up of Phil whispering in Jacks ear and nods toward the barmaid.

Think your in luck with the kanga . Sheís got her eye on you.

(He slaps jack on the back and walks out of the pub laughing.)

Camera on the barmaid over Jacks shoulder with a quizzical look on her face.


Another one ?

(Jack puts his hand in his pocket to get some money out)

 No you better give me a double Scotch. Iíve just been to the planet Philo.

(Barmaid smiles and picks up a glass and fills it with scotch).
 Camera facing Jack
( Jack with both elbows on the bar with his head in his hands.)

Hereís you drink
(Lifts his head and looks at the barmaid.)
Do you cook Emuís on your barbeís in OZ

(Mouths the word)
Fuck off pom.
( She turns away to serve another customer.) 




« Last Edit: November 03, 2007, 04:59:53 AM by Nick »
Dirty shoes mean dirty knickers.

pastrami 1960

Offline Christopher Silva

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« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2007, 10:11:32 AM »
I don't know anything about scripts, but it reads smooth and the imagery is sound.
I'll have to try this, seems like fun.
« Last Edit: November 01, 2007, 10:16:38 AM by Funwriter »

Offline Trojan

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Re: Bar Talk
« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2007, 08:30:46 PM »
I think it depends on what you are writing it for. If you are writing it with the intention of directing it yourself then it is probably ok. However if you are wanting to submit it to people like directors and producers to hopeflly have it made I would suggest changing a few things. The main issue is that it's not really industry standard these days to include all of the camera directions in your script. Leave the shooting of the script to the director, which means he/she will decide on camera positions. Also by including these it detracts from the actual story and makes the whole thing harder to read.

In the beginning you also give a lot of direction for the characters, I would say too much. Again, leave it up to the actors to portray these characters and don't feel the need to to dictate every little thing they do. Focus on the action. Like I said, it depends what you are writing this for. Most mainstream films tend to have a lot more description in their screenplays of the scenes and focus less on dialogue. But if you are writing this as a stand-alone piece (short film?) then it doesn't matter so much.

I think the pacing and writing style you are using is actually pretty good. Like with most writing, it would read better just by chopping a few things out to tighten it up.

And being Australian, yes, of course we cook emus on our BBQ's  :P



Offline pastrami

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Re: Bar Talk
« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2007, 04:45:57 PM »
Thanks for your time Trojan and the advice.

Your comments all make sense and I will take them on board.
As no doubt you've gathered it was a first for me and I was lead by www.screenwriting .info.

An interesting exercise for me and I enjoyed it. I could see it all in my mind and that's why I went into too much detail.It came from a piece I had already written and seemed ideal for transfering to a screenplay. It was simple and was mainly dialogue.

Thanks for your help.


PS; I have tried kangeroo and didn't mind it. But I didn't finish the meal, I think I had a psycological barrier -, Poor Old Skippy!!!!

Dirty shoes mean dirty knickers.

pastrami 1960

Offline Trojan

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Re: Bar Talk
« Reply #4 on: November 06, 2007, 11:35:36 PM »
No problem man, hope it was helpful. I haven't seen that website before, not sure of the content. I do know that a lot of the rules and guidelines keep changing regularly, so what was expected in terms of format a few years ago might not be correct for today. No doubt this will keep on evolving.

And yes, kangaroo is delicious. I used to eat it all the time, very tender. Poor Skippy.



Offline davidjuliowang

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So, Jack is Smart. Phil is Dumb. and the Barmaid is Eye Candy
« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2007, 01:30:03 AM »
I just read for the dialogue.

I didn't really strain my brain for the  director cues.
I think it's good that you wrote them out though and, if I was director-minded, I would give you feedback on them.
I personally don't read scripts for directorial cues.
I am a layman, and read for  the dialogue.

So, the conversation is about Aussies and Englishman.
Told by two Englishman.
One younger and kind  of boorish.
The other older and somewhat  more  sophisticated.

They both enjoy drinks at the local pub and shooting the breeze.
Did they order different drinks?
No. Both have  beer.

Phil says a lot, while Jack doesn't say much at all...

I suppose  I should pay attention to the dialect and colloquial expressions they use, let's see:
"knackers" (there's a word I've never heard before. i'm definitely not in Canada anymore)
"kanga" (colloquial for Australian, I get it. Good choice. I can here the angry, young Brit's derision for other countries in the word. common throughout the world when people aren't happy and redirect their anger at foreigners)

So, this piece is a short expose of how the Brits view the Aussies.
Or, at least, how these 2 young Brits view the Aussies.
The barmaid is a mute point because she's hot and physical beauty excludes people from any sort of nation-specific insults (actually insults of  any kind really).

What sport are they talking about in the conversation?
Rugby I assume.

Interesting analogy with the car and the horse.
Is Phil a chicken?
Is he just  all talk and no action.
He's  cool with commenting on other people, pointing out that they have to be stupid to play dangerous sports, that they shouldn't expect any understanding from their boss because it's their own stupid decision to  do a dangerous sport.
I get the impression he is always a spectator, never a participant.
Big Mouth. No Balls. Kind of guy eh?

He's a condescending prig.
He let Phil do all the talking and  then disses him by saying,
"just got back from planet Phil" as if  to say that Phil says  only stupid things.

Then he comes onto the Barmaid and gets rejected because she sees he's  a jerk.

But maybe she'll warm up to him.
After all he's good looking and for casual sex,  that's all that counts.
Why else is the Barmaid there anyways?
She doesn't  say much at all.
She's just eye candy, and a focus for male sexual attention.

Good choice though.
I  like eye candy.  ;D
Looks are important.
Denying it, is  denying the human condition.

I got a lot  out of it.
Nice job. ;)

"If you feel it : Believe It." (Me)