Author Topic: Crime/Drama Script  (Read 3227 times)

Offline zod

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 10
Crime/Drama Script
« on: September 02, 2007, 02:29:39 PM »
Hey all, I would just like to ask of you to please read my script and then leave some comments of what you honestly think about it. I'm a student filmmaker and my production company might produce this into a short film. We're called Creative Spectrum Productions and you can check us out at www.myspace.com/creativespectrum and also on facebook, so please add us to your friends because we're trying to get noticed. Anyways, this scripts sub-genre is crime/drama and its influenced and inspired by The Killing, The Godfather part II, Miller's Crossing, and Reservoir Dogs. Please tell me what you think! Thanks!




The Long Con



1.   INTERIOR ROOM - DAY   

One long shot of a man talking to another man at his desk, yet the man talking we donít clearly see his face and we donít see at all who he is talking to.  In the single shot, there are lot of shadows covering up most of their faces along with blinds shown through the shadows.

A close-up shot of a man lighting a cigarette.

   UNKNOWN MAN
   
   Now I need you to do this.
   I donít care what you think.
   If your really serious about
   making it in this business
   empire of mine then you will
   do this for me. Remember your
   just an errand boy, donít
   think that for a second
   you canít be replaced. You
   must understand that
   sacrifices have to be made
   in order to work your way
   up the ladder in this
   business, you must be
   willing to do that. Okay?
   Hereís the list, you know
   what to do. Report back to
   me after youíve completed
   the job. You have one month.

2. INTERIOR ROOM - DAY

Several camera shots of two men talking to each other in a room.

      JOHN

   Okay now Vic if weíre gonna
   do this, weíll only have
   three minutes and thatís
   it!
   
      VIC

   Thatís it! John weíre going
   to need more time than
   that! I donít see how we
   can do it in three!

      JOHN
   
   Thatís just enough time
   for us to get in, take
   care of things, and get
   outta there. Besides, if
   someone presses an alarm
   weíll both be out of
   there before the cops
   show up.
      VIC
   
   Okay, but were really
   going to have to be fast
   to pull it off in that
   time. But I guess we can
   do that. What else?

      JOHN

   While Iím handling with
   the money, your going to
   be watching over the
   customers, guards,
   everyone else basically.
   Youíll just watch my back
   so no one tries anything.

      VIC
   
   Easy, I can do that. No
   problem. Is that all?
      
      JOHN

   Yeah, I think I covered
   everything.
      (pause)
   Letís just go over
   everything from the
   beginning one last time
   just to be clear on things.

         VIC

   Okay. We donít want it to
   get out of hand like last
   time. No slip-ups. Just you
   and me robbing a bank and
   nothing can get in the way
   this time. So start from the
   beginning.

3. INTERIOR ROOM - DAY

This scene, involving DECTIVE JACK who has been trailing JOHN and VIC
for months now, is on the phone talking to a cop and is being led traces as to the whereabouts of them.
   
         Detective Jack

   (While talking on the phone)
   Hi, so what is the latest of
   our guys?ÖOkayÖOkayÖWell, Iíll
   be on my way shortly. Iím going
   to hunt these guys down and get
   the money backÖtheyíre not
   going to get away this time.
   Yeah, I know theyíre dangerous,
   donít worry about me. I can take
   care of myself, I still canít
   believe they killed that man.
   Well, I better go, and if
   anything should happen to me, I
   want you to kill them. Got
   it? OkayÖbye.

4. OUTSIDE - DAY

A shot of JOHN and VIC out in a practice range shooting their guns off in the fields of an open country.

         JOHN
   
   We need the practice, weíre
   not gonna kill anybodyÖunless
   someone threatens my life I
   wonít hesitate to take Ďem
   out.

         VIC

   Iím just ready for this to
   be over with and done for.

         JOHN

   Hey, in a week from now
   were going to be a million
   dollars richer and then
   weíll finally have a
   future, at least a start.
   Then we wonít have to
   be doing this stuff
   anymore.

         VIC
   
   This is the last time.
   

5. OUTSIDE - DAY

Long shot of the outside of a bank, we then see JOHN and VIC pull up in a car from a distance.  They get out and take some guns out of the trunk, hiding it in their jackets.

         VIC

   Are you sure that you
   wanna go through with this?
   Itís not too late. We can
   still back out. I just canít
   believe weíre going to walk
   into certain death here.


         JOHN

   No, no, no. We have both
   worked too hard and trained
   too much to back out of this
   now. Were going to do this
   right this time. Remember that
   we really need this money. You
   just got laid off and with
   my criminal record I canít
   get a job hardly anywhere
   in the state, you know that.
   Weíre brothers and weíll do
   this together.
   
         VIC

   Okay, your right. Iím just
   making sure were both
   committed to doing it this
   time. So lets do it.

         JOHN

   Well you know the plan, just
   stick to it and in a few
   minutes weíll be richer
   than we have ever dreamed
   of. Lets go.

JOHN and VIC then approach the bank and walk inside of it.  Shot fades out.

6. OUTSIDE - DAY
      
Shot in front of the bank, then JOHN and VIC come running out of the entrance.
   
         VIC
   Oh no!

As their running to their car to make their getaway, we see that their car is blocked off, another car is parked in front of them so they canít get out.  They then take off running on to the street, planning to stop the first car they see. The shot fades out.

7. OUTSIDE - DAY

JOHN and VIC have been running for a while, seeing as their both sweating.  There are police sirens in the background.  It appears JOHN has been shot, but not fatal.  They then stop running and take a rest. Both are breathing and panting hard.

         VIC

   Okay, lets stop for a minute.
   I think we lost them. We need
   a breath. Are you alright?

         JOHN

   Yeah, I think so. I canít
   believe that cop shot me.
   Iím not gonna lie, this hurts
   man.

A shot of a car coming towards them on the road.  VIC walks right out in front of it and points his gun up in the air and fires.

         VIC

   (Shouts while pointing his
   gun at the driver) Get out
   the car now!

         JOHN

   Easy Vic!
   
         VIC

   Just get out of the car now
   and we will go about our
   business! Just walk away
   and itís over!
         
VIC walks to the car door and opens it, then grabs the man to throw him out of the car, but the man reaches in the glove compartment for a gun.  But before he gets his gun to shoot VIC, VIC shoots him in the chest.  He then throws him out on the street, then JOHN and VIC get in the car and take off driving.  As they continue driving the shot fades out.
            
8. ROOM - DAY

The next scene is a couple of shots of Detective Jack making a phone call.


         REDNECK
   Hello?

         DECTECTIVE JACK

   Hi, this is Detective Jack
   and I wanted to let you know
   that there has been a bank
   robbery a little while ago,
   and Iíve been informed that
   the robbers are headed
   toward your house so I got
   your phone number and thought
   that I should let you know
   about the situation.

         REDNECK   

   A bank robbery, huh.

         DECTECTIVE JACK

   Yes, I also wanted to ask if
   your armed because these
   guys are dangerous and
   theyíve already killed a
   person.

         REDNECK

   Oh Iím armed alright.

         DECTECTIVE JACK

   Well good, Iím headed out to
   try and track them down while
   Iím hot on their trail. Just
   be on the lookout and you
   should probably prepare
   yourself, incase you see
   them.

         REDNECK

   Okay Iíll be on the watch
   for Ďem.

A shot of JACK getting in his car and taking off.



9. COUNTRY - DAY

Next shot shows JOHN and VIC driving in the country.  After making several turns in the woods, they then appear to be driving up to a abandoned house in the woods.  They park near the house and get out.
         
         JOHN
   
   Well, this is it. I talked
   to Joe and he said this is
   a good hideout for the
   night. No one knows weíre
   even here.

         VIC

   You sure? What if we were
   followed? I never talked
   to Joe.

         JOHN

   Vic, itís safe. Donít
   worry, you trust me right?
   Besides, look at this place
   Öitís all country, no one
   could possibly know weíre
   here.

         VIC

   Something about it just
   doesnít seem right. Itíll
   work I guess, we just need
   to take off first thing
   in the morning and get a
   new car, so then we can
   get back on the road and
   farther away from here.

         JOHN

   Alright, why donít you go
   get the money and weíll
   count it.

VIC goes and gets the money from the car and the shot fades out.  Next shot shows DECTECTIVE JACK driving out in the country and is getting closer to their hideout.   

10 INTERIOR HOUSE - DAY

JOHN and VIC finish counting the money inside the house.

         VIC

   Alright! John, thereís
   gotta be over a million
   here!
         
         JOHN
   
   Yeah, thereís a lot. This
   money is going to start a
   new life for us, or I should
   say start a new life for
   me.

         VIC

   You? What are you talking
   about?

   
         JOHN

   Well, you see VicÖ
      (pause)
   thereís still one thing
   left to do.

         VIC

   Huh?

Then JOHN takes out a piece of paper and unfolds it and hands it to VIC.

         VIC

   What is this?

         JOHN

   Just read it.

The shot zooms in on the paper.  Itís a list with a lot of peoples names on it, with VICíS name being on the very top of it.  Then JOHN takes out his gun and points it at VIC.
   
         VIC

   Alright John, what are
   you doing? Quit messing
   around here, we need to
   be planning what were
   going to do for tomorrow.

         JOHN

   Iím sorry brother, but I
   have to kill you.

         VIC

   What are you talking about?
   Just put the gun down and
   stop joking around.



         JOHN

   Iím not, Iíve been hired
   to kill you and Iím gonna
   get paid a ton for this.
   I really need the money
   more than you and if it at
   all matters, you have my
   sympathies.
      
         VIC

   Wait, how can you kill your
   own brother Johnny?
   
         JOHN

   Listen Vic, donít try and
   make me feel guilty. I
   know about all the things
   youíve done and that you
   were an informant and ratted
   me out on my last job when
   I got caught. I did some
   hard time for that and when
   I heard it was you, well I
   havenít forgotten it. Come
   on, lets do this outside.
   

         VIC
   
   But John?

         JOHN

   Move!

VIC walks out of the house with JOHN right behind him pointing his gun to VICíS back and walks him out in the woods.

         VIC

   You donít have to do this John.

         JOHN

   Shut up! Keep moving!

         VIC

   Johnny, you canít do this!
   You donít kill guys!
      (JOHN doesnít answer,
      he just keeps walking)
   Iím a nobody! Iíve done
   lots of wrong, but Iíve
   never crossed a friend,
   nor you.
      (VIC falls to his
      knees)
   I canít die out
   here like an animal!    
   please donít do this!
      (John slowly aims
      his gun at VICíS
      head)

A close-up shot of JOHNíS face.

      (Bang!)

A POV (Point of View) shot of JOHN looking down to the ground and drops his gun and falls down. A camera shot pans around and DECTECTIVE JACK is standing a distance from JOHN and VIC with his gun pointed at them after he had shot JOHN. VIC quickly grabs JOHNíS gun and starts shooting at JACK. VIC charges at JACK, whom shoots VIC in the arm and is tackled to the ground. Then they both engage in a brutal fist fight. JACK throws VIC to the ground, then puts his arm around his neck and starts choking him.  VIC is about to die, then he reaches for a knife in his pocket and stabs JACK in the arm. JACK then takes the knife out and is about to kill VIC with it, then suddenly he gets blown away by gunfire.

The camera pans over to JOHN lying in the ground holding a pistol. It appears that he killed JACK and that JOHN didnít die after all, he had been shot but it wasnít fatal. He then gets up and walks over to VIC and helps him up.

         VIC
   
   Are you alright?



         JOHN

   Yeah, just grazed me.
   Lucky he didnít kill me
   though. Jackís been
   chasing us for months, now
   heís finally met his demise.

         VIC
   
   Jack was going to kill me,
   so why did you save me?

         JOHN

   Well, right before Jack
   shot me I thought about
   what you said. Youíre my
   brother and if you say
   youíve never crossed me
   than you havenít. Even
   if itís for a lot of money,
   weíre family.

         VIC
   
   Well thanks John. But I must say,
   I always see the job through.

         JOHN

   What?

A FLASHBACK proceeds in which it is from the beginning with the mob boss talking to a man and hands him the list. When he gives him the list the camera pans to his face and it is VIC. FLASHBACK ends.

VIC takes out a pistol from his jacket and shoots JOHN in the chest.
VIC then goes back to the house to put the money back in the car. While he is doing so, he suddenly gets shot and falls to the ground. He was shot by the redneck with his rifle. The redneck goes over to VICíS body and picks up the briefcases full of money and gets in VICíS stolen car and drives off.

End titles.



         


      




   

         


   
   
« Last Edit: November 24, 2007, 03:33:41 AM by Nick »
Mint chocolate chip! - Michael Scott (The Office)

Offline Sasha6

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 192
Re: PLEASE READ MY CRIME/DRAMA SCRIPT!!! NEED FEEDBACK!!! HELP ME PLEASE!!!
« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2007, 08:36:40 PM »
Alrighty, first things first. It was hard reading all of this at one time on the internet. I think more people would read and respond to it if you had posted it in sections. After awhile starring at a computer screen starts to hurt the eyes, so not many people will read all of this. I don't know much about screenplays, I can tell you anything about scripts for the stage, but what I've been told while working on a screenplay was to leave out all camera directions, thats the directors choice.

My only problem really with this is that I didn't find the dialog realistic. Mainly the wording in different places. For ex.
Quote
Iím just ready for this to
   be over with and done for.


Most people would say
Quote
Over and done with
  It flows better and sounds more realistic. Thats what I saw. Good story.

~Sasha
My significant other is myself, which is what happens when you suffer from self-obsession and multiple personalities.

Offline davidjuliowang

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 10
  • That's Me. sigh. Age is thinning out my face.
    • The Sagittarius Speaks
Make it Happen My Friend. I's an exciting short Action film. Good Escapism.
« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2007, 02:20:13 AM »
John "while I'm handling with the money".
was this a purposeful mishandling of grammar to give the character a quality of poor education?
hmmm...yeagh.
it seems like that to me.

Vic.
Classic Itallian gangster name.

Vic "just you and  me robbing a bank"
hmmm...seems a bit redundant  to say doesn't it.
almost like Vic is saying it for the sake of the audience so they know what's going on.
I don't  think he would need  to remind John of what  they are doing.

"This scene, involving DETECTIVE JACK who  has been trailing JOHN and VIC for months now, is  on the  phone talking to a cop and  is being led traces as to the whereabouts of them."
I would rewrite this.
How about:

"DETECTIVE JACK has been trailing  JONN and VIC for months now. The scene opens with JACK on the  phone talking to a cop who is discussing traces as to the duos whereabouts."

Jack "What is the latest on our guys"
Good. Jack sounds like a detective trailing his  prey.
"if anything should happen to me, I want  you to kill them."
uh. I don't like it. A legit Detective would not ask somebody to kill a criminal, especially not with a fellow officer right beside him.
stretching credibility.

John "we're not killing anybody unless they threaten my life"
I like that. I don't want John to just be a mindless killer.
I want  him to  be a human being.
I want  him to  have  a soul that can be redeemed.
Killing in self defence is sad...but understandable.

Vic, "this is the last time"
Good!
I like these guys. They're  reluctant criminals.
They're actual human beings on the down and out.
I empathize with them.
heck.
I am these guys.
Why is our stupid society so cut-throat?
We're driving each other  totally nuts...
sigh...

Vic "I just can't believe we're going to walk into certain death here"
erghm...I don't buy it.
I think after a slew of successful robberies Vic would not be so tremulous about another one.

oh...woops. my bad.
they've been training for this heist.
got it.

then where did the money DETECTIVE JACK mention in his scene come from?
he says, "to hunt these guys down and get the money back"
what  money? an earlier bank robbery?
will I find out later?
feels like  a plot  hole.

John "we're going to do this right this time."
ah. so they tried and bumbled one already.
"Remember that we really need  this  money.
You just got laid off and with my criminal record I can't hardly get a job anyhwhere
in this state, you know that."
erghm. i  don't buy it.
i don't  think that these guys would be talking about their personal
lives right before the adrenaline rush of a bank robbery.
seems a bit out of place.

Vic "Oh no"
What? What?
Bummer.
I wanted to  see the robbery itself.
What happened?


"It appears JOHN has been shot"
ah gee. poor John.
this is good, I care about the characters.

Vic "Just get out of the car now and we will go about  our business!"
erghm. seems a bit off doesn't it?
i don't know.
do gangster guys talk like this?
"go about our business." shouldn't it be, "or we'll blow your brains out."
or something equally assertive.

"VIC shoots him in the chest"
wooh.
strong action.
sigh.
we're still such a violent species...

DETECTIVE JACK discerning the such an accurate general destination of the brothers seems unlikely.
It seems even more  unlikely that he would  call any specific person to  alert them of the brothers.
I would imagine that  a radio announcement would go out,
and that squad cars with loudspeakers would drive through the  neighberhood alerting
citizens to the  brothers imminent arrival.
this seems far-fetched.
interesting though...
REDNECK vs. Brothers
who's the greater bad guy.
Hicks or Poor fellows on the down and out.
Could make for  a good WWF match.

Ok...
Totally unbelievable.
The brothers just happen to arrive at the house of the hick who Jack knew they were going to go to.
Sounds too much like fabrication and not like reality.

still...
why not?
not believable i think, but, sets up a poingant confrontation

So they got the  money  huh?
I feel happy for their success.
I guess I do empathize with the characters.

Who's JOE?
Their boss?

Again, how in the world did JACK know they would  use that house?

wow...
I read the last bit in earnest!
Good Job!
I couldn't  stop reading!
It was intense!

John betrays Vic.
Jack interrupts them.
Jack shoots John.
Vic protects John himself.
Brutal fight between Vic and Jack
- sigh. i'm a peaceful person, yet, i love a good fight. i'm insane. -
Jack about to kill Vic.
Jack killed instead by John.
John reconciled  with Vic.
Vic now betrays John.
Vic kills John. (wooh...that's harsh...)
Hick kills Vic (and  gets the cash)

It was intense action.
I read voraciously.

I'm a bit tired now, so I won't say anymore.

Good stuff !
I cared about John and Vic because I also know what it's like to be on the down and out.

Detective Jack is kind of flat as a character and I don't believe a cop with just
a superficial connection to his prey would  be so bent on killing them.

The hick being alerted by Jack is really stretching credibility.
I don't think a Detective would call one Hick to alert him about robbers, and not tell him to 
get out, and stay as far away from the men as possible.

Double-crosses.
Triple-crosses.
It makes for startling action.

sigh.
I just wish that humanity was not still swayed by such things.
When we will mature beyond violence?

that said.
i have to  admit to still being fascinated by it myself.

Nice work.
David.
"If you feel it : Believe It." (Me)

Offline zod

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 10
Re: PLEASE READ MY CRIME/DRAMA SCRIPT!!! NEED FEEDBACK!!! HELP ME PLEASE!!!
« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2007, 01:43:43 PM »
What would you give this script out of 10? Keep in mind I'm only 20 and I'm very new to writing. I someday want to make this into a short film. Thanks all! :)
Mint chocolate chip! - Michael Scott (The Office)

Offline davidjuliowang

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 10
  • That's Me. sigh. Age is thinning out my face.
    • The Sagittarius Speaks
Re: PLEASE READ MY CRIME/DRAMA SCRIPT!!! NEED FEEDBACK!!! HELP ME PLEASE!!!
« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2007, 08:40:56 AM »
Quote
What would you give this script out of 10? Keep in mind I'm only 20 and I'm very new to writing. I someday want to make this into a short film. Thanks all! Smiley

You  know, I just don't like to put number values on somebody's personal work.
I just  don't think I can justify measuring somebody by anything as cold and  impersonal as a number.

I will tell you that the script was exciting to me.
Particularly the sequence where :
John betrays Vic
Jack shoots John
Vic kills Jack
Vic betrays John
and then the Hick kills Vic

That was an exciting series of double-crosses!
I am very fascinated by the feint within a feint.
It's a very old tradition.
I'm not sure where it started, but as old as militarism, so I suppose as old as humanity.

I believe the character's dialogue is sometimes off.

I discussed it in depth in my review.

John and Vic, sometimes, don't sound like two poorly educated guys trying to get a break.
Detective Jack, in his brief appearance, sounds more like a vigilante than a detective.

I think it is important you point out you're only 20 my young friend.

Writing and life experience are intimately intertwined.

I liked the script.
I found it an exciting story, perfect for a bit of shoot 'em up escapism.
You already have a vivid imagination, and a keen sense of  action.
You will only get better.

David.
"If you feel it : Believe It." (Me)