Author Topic: Urgent Urgent, please help a crappy best man  (Read 2103 times)

memnoch

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Urgent Urgent, please help a crappy best man
« on: August 31, 2007, 02:30:01 PM »
best man speech tmrw. not good. pease help

Well dad I hope you enjoyed the last 10 minutes because youíll never speak that long without interruption again!
For those of you who think that the bellboy/waiterís gotten up himself let me introduce myself, Iím the best man and son of the groom Iain and Iím proud to say after all these years father has finally admitted that I am in fact, the best man.
The best man job sounded easy to begin with but time went on I realized Iíd have to make a speech and at some point in this speech I would have to say something nice about my father. Unfortunately Iíve got no experience at either so youíll have to bear with me.
A common piece of advice to novice public speakers is to picture the audience in there underwear. However the thought of being able to see through the kilts of many of the gentlemen gathered her today is enough to startle the greatest of orators, so instead Iíll simply pretend you are too pissed to hear me. Which is plausible to say the least.
 When my father was asked to do this job I was honoured and proud, until I realized that I was probably picked as Iím the person who had the least dirt on him and would be limited by what  I could say in front of my father.
Ha! Well father blood may be thicker than water but if you thought youíd get of lightly then youíre thicker than both!
Now apparently there are two main parts to being a best man. Firstly getting him to the church on time and looking like a respectable groom. Which is quite frankly a tall-order and without some serious surgical skills I was only ever going to get halfway there.  I got him to the church on time but I canít perform miracles. However considering some of the photoís Iíve seen of my father in the 80ís we can all be grateful that he doesnít look like a heavy metal reject though for that I think we can thank Emma not myself.
The second task is somewhat more bearable, a 5 minute section of my fathers big day when attention is all on me and i get to slag him off to my hearts content. Talk about a licence to kill!
For those of you who donít know much about my father you may have been lulled into thinking him a respectable individual, allow me to ruin that image for you.  My father and I shared many experiences together over the years, he took me to exotic locations and showed me a side of the world Iíd never seen before.
I can still remember the look of horror on his face when at the tender age of thirteen, whilst playing innocently on an inflatable toy in the ocean he realized that I had drifted onto Corfuís only nudist beach. Still in my fathers own words ďat least I didnít pop the lilo!Ē
Even bar cruising with my father can go wrong firstly with our surprise after hoping to enjoy a quiet beer in ayionapa and ending up in a bar built around a mud wrestling pit in which two bikini-clad Glaswegians pummelled one-another .Not necessarily a site to share with ones father. And most recently with his dire attempt at karaoke. An attempt which I promised to keep quiet and is now on the internet! Web addresses can be obtained after the speech.
Another of the best manís roles is apparently to give advice on the relationship front. The only advice Iíve ever been given is to wear a condom and never get too serious with a girl, clearly advice that you have chosen to ignore to so I guess Iíll skip that stage.
On a more serious note let me say that the bridesmaids look absolutely stunning today, and were only outshone by our bride, Emma. And, I''m sure you''ll agree with me gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list. So lets all put our hands together for Emmaís bridesmaids
 And ladies, lets face it you havenít missed out on much, and you should be reminded that the younger version is available.

Iíd also like to thank the ushers today, theyíve done a great job of ushing Ė which has not been an easy job with the type of crowd weíve had here today.
Iíd like to thank all the organizers, particularly Trisha and Richard for their hard work in preparing this wedding. I think youíll all agree it is a fantastic venue, has been organised meticulously.
And Iíd like to thank everyone here for attending. It still amazes me how far people will travel for a free meal and some complimentary booze.
Joking aside now Mikeís, been a great Father to me and weíve had some excellent times together and Iím sure weíll have more in the future and itís been an honour to be the best man today. For those of you today is also my birthday and I would like to personally thank the both of you for making it memorable and for the best present of all. Emma, welcome to family.
Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you that are still capable of standing, would you now do me the honour of rising to your feet ÖÖÖ..
ÖÖÖand raising your glasses to Mr and Mrs Beagrie

 
« Last Edit: September 01, 2007, 10:28:31 AM by Lin »

Offline Gyppo

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Re: URGENT URGENT PLEASE HELP A CRAPPY BESTMAN
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2007, 04:35:29 PM »
Okay, Memnoch.

Slightly modified speech below, using largely your own words, but juggled a bit and with the all important pauses marked in.  It is all too easy for a novice public speaker to end up gabbling, treating their speech as a chore to be completed rather than something to be shared with all the other guests.  The pauses allow you to catch your breath and allow the audience to absorb and enjoy your words.

Whatever you go with print it out in a decent sized font (bigger than you would normally use) and use a stiffish paper or thin card if you can.  Why?  Because thin stuff 'rattles' if you're a bit nervous and your hands shake.  A5 sheets in landscape orientation give a nice solid 'wodge' of paper to hold onto.  Staple the sheets together or put one of those treasury tags through the corner.  The last thing you need is to lose the running order if you drop them.  PRINT *2* COPIES.  One for your own jacket pocket, and a back-up in the pocket of someone you trust.

Once you start speaking...  Don't just stare at the back of the hall.  Look around as you speak, use your free hand to indicate the bridesmaids etc as you mention them.

And above all, DON'T RUSH.

I like your speech, it's personal without being sentimental.  Funny without being over the top.

Go for it, and best wishes to all concerned.

===========

Well Dad, I hope you enjoyed the last 10 minutes because you’ll never speak that long without interruption again!

(PAUSE)

For those of you who think that the bellboy/waiter’s got delusions of grandeur I'd best introduce myself,.  I’m the best man and son of the Groom.  I’m proud to say after all these years father has finally admitted that I am, in fact, the best man.

(PAUSE)
 
This job sounded easy to begin with but as time went on I realized I’d have to make a speech, which traditionally would include saying something nice about my father. Unfortunately I’ve got no experience at either so you’ll have to bear with me.

(PAUSE)

A common piece of advice to novice public speakers is to picture the audience in their underwear. However the thought of seeing through the kilts of many of the gentlemen gathered her today is enough to stun the greatest of orators into silence, so instead I’ll simply pretend you are too pissed to hear me. Which is plausible to say the least.

(PAUSE)
 
When first asked to do this job I was honoured and proud, then realised I was probably picked as the person with the least dirt on him.  Father probably also suffered from the fond illusion I would feel inhibited about what I could say.

(PAUSE - for long enough to let them think you're about to say somryhing really shocking.  Look at the faces, and once enough of them look eager, plough ahead.)


Ha! Well Fther blood may be thicker than water but if you thought you’d get off lightly then you’re thicker than both!

There are two main duties of a best man. Firstly getting him to the church on time and looking like a respectable groom...

(SHORT PAUSE)

Quite frankly a tall-order and without some serious surgical skills I was only ever going to get halfway there.  I got him to the church on time but I can’t perform miracles. However, considering photos I’ve seen of my father in the 80s we can all be grateful that he doesn’t look like a heavy metal reject.  Although to be honest I think we can thank Emma for the more civilised father who stands there now wishing he'd had me fotted with a mute button.

(PAUSE)

The second task is somewhat more enjoyable...

(A theatrical rubbing of the hands with gleefull anticipation woudn't go amiss here.)


A 5 minute section of my father's big day when I get to slag him off to my hearts content. Talk about a licence to kill!

(SHORT PAUSE)

Those of you who don’t really know my father may have believe him to be a thoroughly respectable individual....  Allow me to ruin that image for you.

(SHORT PAUSE)

My father and I have shared many experiences over the years, he took me to exotic locations and showed me a side of the world I’d never seen before.
 
I can still remember the look of horror on his face when, at the tender age of thirteen, whilst playing innocently on an inflatable toy in the ocean he realized that I had drifted onto Corfu’s only nudist beach. Still in my fathers own words “at least I didn’t pop the lilo!”


Even bar cruising with my father can go wrong...  Firstly, imagine our surprise after hoping to enjoy a quiet beer in ayionapa and ending up in a bar built around a mud wrestling pit in which two bikini-clad Glaswegians pummelled one-another.  Not necessarily a sight to share with ones father.

And most recently there was his dire attempt at karaoke.  An attempt which I promised faithfully to keep quiet, but is now on the internet! Web addresses can be obtained *after* the speech.

Another of the best man’s roles is apparently to give advice on the relationship front. The only advice I’ve ever been given is to always wear a condom and never get too serious with a girl, advice that Dad has clearly chosen to ignore himself, so I’ll skip that bit.

(PAUSE)
 
On a more serious  yet still pleasant note let me say that the bridesmaids look absolutely stunning today, and were only outshone by our bride, Emma. And, I''m sure you''ll agree with me gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list. So let's all put our hands together for Emma’s bridesmaids.

And ladies...  Lets face it...  You haven’t missed out on much, and remember the younger version is available.

I’d also like to thank the Ushers...  It can't have been easy 'ushing' some of the noisy crowd we've had here today...
 
I’d like to thank all the organizers, particularly Trisha and Richard for their hard work in preparing this wedding. I think you’ll all agree it is a fantastic venue, and has been meticulously organised
And I’d like to thank everyone here for attending.  It still amazes me how far people will travel for a free meal and some complimentary booze.

(PAUSE)

All joking aside now Mike’s been a great Father to me and we’ve had some excellent times together and I’m sure we’ll have many more in the future...

It’s been a great honour to be the best man today.  For those of you who don't know today is also my birthday...

(TURN TO FACE BRIDE AND GROOM)

I would like to thank both of you for making it memorable and for the best present of all. Emma, welcome to our family.

(TURN TO FACE EVERYONE ELSE)

Ladies and Gentlemen...  Will those of you still capable of standing now do me the honour of rising to your feet …

(PAUSE FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES...)

And raise your glasses to Mr and Mrs Beagrie.

***

See PM for a little extra query/suggestion


 

« Last Edit: August 31, 2007, 04:42:47 PM by Gyppo »
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Offline bob414bob

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Re: URGENT URGENT PLEASE HELP A CRAPPY BESTMAN
« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2007, 06:45:01 PM »
To Memnoch,
                   I like your speech. Remember, don't get too pissed before the speech, but after, get as drunk as you like. Have a great day, and good luck.

PS, I hope you've bought a nice hat to match your dress!

Queen of Wands

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Re: URGENT URGENT PLEASE HELP A CRAPPY BESTMAN
« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2007, 08:29:12 AM »
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« Last Edit: October 16, 2007, 04:37:19 AM by Queen of Wands »

Offline Symphony

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Re: URGENT URGENT PLEASE HELP A CRAPPY BESTMAN
« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2007, 09:56:09 AM »
So ... they're getting married on 1st September? Yay! Best day to get married. It's my wedding anniv. today, too.

Great speech. Don't stress over it - don't let it spoil your day. It's fab, everyone's going to enjoy it and you're going to be just GREAT!!!

All the best to you AND the bride and groom, of course,

Symphony

Offline jeanette

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Re: Urgent Urgent, please help a crappy best man
« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2007, 06:06:30 PM »
Hope it all went well today. I liked your speech, thought it was well balanced. Let us know how it went down.
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memnoch

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Re: Urgent Urgent, please help a crappy best man
« Reply #6 on: September 02, 2007, 07:20:20 AM »
It went brilliant! They loved the speech and it was a great day. I'd like to say thank you to gyppo. What a legend. saved my ass!

Offline Gyppo

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Re: Urgent Urgent, please help a crappy best man
« Reply #7 on: September 02, 2007, 07:34:22 AM »
Legend?  I guess that's a step up from 'well known local character' status ;-)

Don't underestimate *yourself*.  It was virtually all your own words and *you're* the man who stood up there and delivered it!  I just smoothed out a few 'speed bumps' for you ;-)

I'm glad it went well.

Gyppo
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1