Author Topic: Funeral Home  (Read 2956 times)

Offline Simon

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Funeral Home
« on: August 28, 2007, 08:06:57 PM »
Ziggy had been working as an undertaker for two years; long enough to not be disgusted by dead bodies but brief enough to still find them funny.
   
He was making up Mr. Baker, who had been severely burned. Ziggy quietly found this ironic. He was laughing to himself and adding flesh-toned makeup to Baker's cold burnt face, as Peaty walked in.

“Why are you putting on makeup when he’s over done? Just scrape off the burnt parts and butter him up.” Peaty hadn’t worked there much more than two months but nothing disgusted him, and nothing was ever not funny.

Peaty started his work on Mr. Magesto, who had been a magician. “Abra, cadaver,” he yelled uncovering the body. "Ooo, let's see what he died of.  I hope it's ironic," said Peaty, checking the charts.  "Pancreatic cancer, ha... umm... Oooo.  I bet yah he wished he could have just Presto Chango disappeared that tumour!  Ha ha ha."

Ziggy wondered what the police would report if he were to take his blush brush and impale Peaty's spleen.  Would it be body found in funeral home?

Peaty finished smearing makeup on Magesto’s face, and decided it was time for a snack. He went to the staff room and grabbed an ham sandwich with mayo that oozes out the sides when the sandwich is squeezed. Sandwich in hand Peaty moved on to his next body "Let's just see what I can make of this one." With his left hand took an oversized bite of his sandwich, mayo on the sides of mouth. With his right he uncovered the body to discover a five-year-old boy, who had been attacked by his neighbor's dog. Peaty put down his sandwich and, though his mouth had gone dry, he managed to swallow his bite.

With mayo left on his face he continued his work. Peaty stopped making jokes.
« Last Edit: August 29, 2007, 03:43:51 PM by Simon »

Offline bob414bob

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Re: Funeral Home
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2007, 08:39:27 PM »
This sounds like a great story line. You do need to be careful of over using their name though, and also repeating words. I love the last line though. Well done.
Please remember these are only my thoughts, which are often wrong. Ignore anything you don't agree with.

Ziggy had been working as an undertaker for two years; long enough to not be discussed disgusted by dead bodies, but short enough to still find them funny.
   
Ziggy He was making up Mr. Baker, who had been severely burned, Ziggy quietly found this ironic. This line is just 'telling'. Why not show him reading the chart and then laugh out loud, "Mr.Baker, Burnt, now thats funny." Or something like that. He was laughing to himself and adding flesh-toned makeup to Bakers cold burnt face, as Peaty walked in.

“Why are you putting on makeup when he’s over done, just scrape off the burnt parts and butter him up.” Peaty hadn’t worked there much more than two months but nothing disgusted him, and nothing to Peaty was ever not funny.

Peaty started his work on Mr. Magesto, who had been a magician.
  “Abra, cadaver,” yelled Peaty he yelled, uncovering his the body. “Ooo lets see what he died of, I hope it’s ironic,” Peaty checked the charts “Pancrotic cancer, ha... umm… Oooo. I bet yah he wished he could have just Presto Chango disappeared that tumour. Ha ha ha.”

Ziggy wondered what the police would report if he killed Peaty right then and there “body found in funeral home”. If this is not speech you should put it in italics, or make it clearer that he's thinking it. Also, the fullstop should be inside the speech marks.

Peaty, finished tossing (tossing, doesn't sound right here. Its more like throwing. Try slapping, or plastering) makeup on Magesto’s face and moved on, to his next body, continuing with his assembly line. He uncovered the body to discover that it was a five-year-old child, who had been attacked by his neighbors dog. Peaty stopped making jokes.

Offline Mark H

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Re: Funeral Home
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2007, 02:46:30 AM »
Hi Simon

The first line is key, as it is setting the scene for this interesting tale.

“short enough” sounds strange to me.

I had worked there long enough (sounds OK)
I had worked there short enough (sounds wrong)

Mark
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Offline joan opie

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Re: Funeral Home
« Reply #3 on: August 29, 2007, 03:12:46 PM »
Ziggy had been working as an undertaker for two years; long enough to not be disgusted by dead bodies but brief enough to still find them funny.
   
He was making up Mr. Baker, who had been severely burned. Ziggy quietly found this ironic. He was laughing to himself and adding flesh-toned makeup to Baker's cold burnt face, as Peaty walked in.

“Why are you putting on makeup when he’s over done? Just scrape off the burnt parts and butter him up.” Peaty hadn’t worked there much more than two months but nothing disgusted him, and nothing was ever not funny.

Peaty started his work on Mr. Magesto, who had been a magician. “Abra, cadaver,” he yelled uncovering the body. "Ooo, let's see what he died of.  I hope it's ironic," said Peaty, checking the charts.  "Pancreatic cancer, ha... umm... Oooo.  I bet yah he wished he could have just Presto Chango disappeared that tumour!  Ha ha ha."

Ziggy wondered what the police would report if he were to take his blush brush and impale Peaty's spleen.  Would it be body found in funeral home?

Peaty finished smearing makeup on Magesto’s face and moved on to his next body, continuing with his assembly line. "Let's just see what I can make of this one." He uncovered the body to discover his five-year-old cousin, who had been attacked by his neighbor dog. Peaty stopped making jokes.

This is certainly a very interesting beginning.  I wonder if the first line would be more effective if altered slightly - as in:

Ziggy had been working as an undertaker long enough not to be disgusted by dead bodies, but two years was brief enough to still find them funny.

Joan

Offline scotty511

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Re: Funeral Home
« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2007, 12:48:46 PM »
Interesting to say the least. I wonder, though, how many people would find cadavers funny at first. I would think that after much time humor would be used as a coping mechanism rather than an initial reaction. Gallows humor and such. I wonder if there is a work-around for this.
« Last Edit: August 30, 2007, 07:34:56 PM by scotty511 »
Like all writers, he measured the achievements of others by what they had accomplished, asking of them that they measure him by what he envisaged or planned. - Borges

Offline Simon

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Re: Funeral Home
« Reply #5 on: August 30, 2007, 09:14:18 PM »
the way I see it, after the shock involved in the job wears off is when humor is most present. Eventually the jokes would just get boring as most jokes get, and then you enter a rut. I don't really know, I've never had a job for very long. I have only my observations of others to base this on. My mother became a radiation therapist (treating cancer) a few years ago. Initially she was quiet about work, and then she developed some humor about it, and finally she seems to treat it as just there.

Offline redmeat73

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Re: Funeral Home
« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2007, 05:57:08 PM »
It read pretty well to me. Maybe you could make Peaty a little more crass and annoying; that way the impact of the boy would be all the more powerfull. You tell rather than show regarding the mayo - ham sandwich, you could loose the line, 'with mayo that oozes out the sides when the sandwich is squeezed' as you cover that when he bites into it. And Ziggy could do with being a touch more compassionate, especially if he's in direct contrast to Peaty.

All this is petty really. Well done mate.


Matt..
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Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion...

Offline redmeat73

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Re: Funeral Home
« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2007, 06:18:08 PM »
Regarding the humour. The vast majority of adolescent males are by default senseless and more than a touch dumb. They can and will find something funny in almost any situation. I know this because I was one. With age and experience a person slowly becomes more compassionate. For me it was a combination of age and the birth of my son that made me understand what it is to suddenly have something so precious that it’s almost impossible to put into words how you feel, and up until that point fear was only a word used by others and not by me. But now everything I do is to protect my son so that I can push the fear to the back of my mind.

Matt..
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.
Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion...