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« Last post by bailish on December 18, 2020, 11:09:31 AM »
Overall, I like the writing. It flows smoothly and sounds professionally written.
He takes the monitor from me and places it on the step. “Go on,” he says. “Get that fine butt of yours off to work,” knowing I hate that.
"knowing I hate that" is not a dialogue tag, and I don't like the use of "that"
“Go on, get that fine butt of yours off to work,” he says to irritate me.
Sean worked there before they laid him off with the rest of the country then his father dropped dead of heart failure and left the farm to us.
Awkward: "with the rest of the country" doesn't really work here with the indeterminate "they" Did they lay everyone off?
"Then" sounds like a run-on sentence. I'd prefer to see it as a new sentence.
Sean worked there before getting laid off with the rest of the country. Then his father dropped dead of heart failure and left the farm to us.
Anyway, that only lasted a whole three months before the bank foreclosed and put the farm up for auction along with the machines and animals. We had no idea what kind of debt Mr. Wilcox had dug for himself.
I chose to connect the ideas a bit.
We had no idea what kind of debt Mr. Wilcox had dug for himself until, only three months later, the bank put the farm up for auction along with the machines and animals.
Sean’s odd jobs takes care of the rest
should be
Sean’s odd jobs take care of the rest
I pass by Dalton’s Food Company to walk into McNally’s pub a few doors down where my mother Alice works.
This one is admittedly nitpicky.
I pass by Dalton’s Food Company to McNally’s pub a few doors down where my mother Alice works.
I reach for the envelope and look up to Alice.
Do you normally call your mother by her first name? Especially noticeable since she signs the card as Mom in the next sentence.
DGM when it was Cody’s dad’s store.
I don't like double possessives. I'd change it to:
DGM when it belonged to Cody’s dad.
Sometime later,
should be:
Some time later,
As I startle,
perhaps:
As I shiver,
Grace, another co-worker, told me about his pervy habit of doing watching me last month, and then I caught him spying on her.
Grace, another co-worker, told me last month about his pervy habit of watching me, and then I caught him spying on her.
wrapping my scarf around my head like a mummy
You mean covering the face? Sorry, I don't live in an area that gets cold enough for a scarf, and it sounds odd to me.
once and a while
should be:
once in a while
Grace too in some ways.
This confused me. Do you mean Grace also reminds you of what you could be doing, or these kids coming in remind her of what she could be doing? I could see it being either way.
He quietly slides into bed smelling like Irish Spring. Within seconds, his breathing deepens, and he’s out.
I'm unsure what the narrator feels about this. Does she approve or feel neglected?
Sean’s proposed by the waterfalls in Mark Twain National Forest
should be
Sean proposed by the waterfalls in Mark Twain National Forest
I like the writing style. Good luck!