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91
Review My Work / Re: Chapter 1 : The Missing Taylor (818 words) Mystery Novel
« Last post by RC Cameron on October 18, 2018, 03:17:45 PM »
Good catch .... needs more clarity.

Thanks

RC
92
Review My Work / Re: Chapter 1 : The Missing Taylor (818 words) Mystery Novel
« Last post by JanTetstone on October 18, 2018, 03:08:42 PM »
“Ready? Go!”

These were the last words my tactical leader pronounced before a terrible explosion abruptly severed his carotid artery. I knelt alongside his twitching body, forgetting the mission. My hand on the side of his neck felt the flow of warm blood between my trembling fingers, impossible to stop. And so, my colleague died almost instantly. I lost a close person for the first time.

A week ago, in the FBI situation room, a planning session was underway. The planners selected four targets tied to a gang of criminals making and distributing controlled substances in the district. These addictive drugs were sometimes deadly for young users in city ghettos. We teamed up with the Chicago police, my former employer. The plan was to arrest the crooks and seize the production site. It was a major project, expectations were high.

The targets of our search were four individuals including the mastermind, Bruce Steiner. This fifty-four-year-old Caucasian had a long history in the drug business but avoided capture for a serious offense. He evaded the authorities by moving away. After sightings in Los Angeles, Denver, and New Jersey, he now operated an important drug ring in Chicago, my hometown. Based on our data, we should find him with ease. He wore a tattoo on his face, a tiny cat surrounded by nine small dots around his right temple, echoing the nine lives he pretended to enjoy.

We also sought a couple and a young man involved in the drug distribution activity in the city. They worked in the downtown area and the North side of Chicago. They had a long rap sheet of drug-related offenses. But Steiner was the prime target, the kingpin. The raid included his home and a shop who fronted his illicit activities in an Eastside industrial area. It looked like a regular garage but with a sizeable backroom used only by the bad guys where we believed the manufacturing operations took place
.

As part of our preparation,  we monitored all the target locations. We wanted to identify who lived in those houses, wife, girlfriends or children. They delivered signed warrants a day in advance, a textbook operation.

On that crucial day, at 4:00 AM, our attack team composed of ATF, FBI plus Chicago PD officers met for one last update and final review. Half an hour later, all armored and other police vehicles left toward the targeted sites still dark outside. They scheduled the final assault for 5:30 AM. We expected individuals to be home naked in bed having no intention of resisting arrest. They forecaster a cold morning rain for later.

Close by the garage, the words “Ready” and “Go” echoed in the morning as the sun rose on the horizon. The lead man sprinted to the side door carrying a battering ram. The tactical leader followed him, the rest of the team trailed a few feet behind. On the initial hit, the door resisted but then gave way and flew open on the second try. We were getting ready to run inside when a large explosion destroyed the entryway in a sound I had never heard. The booby trap, we discovered later, would hurt whoever entered. Shrapnel flew in all directions. Several agents fell to the ground, including myself, engulfed inside the black cloud of the explosion. When the smoke lifted, a half-dozen officials were on the ground, groaning, some motionless. I then lost consciousness.

Faceguard and body armor absorbed large chunks of the blast. Arms and legs, where limited protection existed, got the rest of the brunt. Ambulances arrived within minutes to transport the wounded to the University of Chicago trauma center. The center carries a rich reputation for excellent care. The tactical officer died on site. Standing opposite the man holding the ram, he had no chances. Four others suffered wounds of various degrees, myself included.

Other raid locations generated three more arrests. But our main target, Steiner, fled before our team arrived. The cat had lived through another episode, silently informed before the raid. The FBI will stay forever ignorant on the source of the leak.

In the hospital's emergency room, the doctor informed me I lost a lot of blood. A broken arm hung on my left side, all my bones hurt, multiple shrapnel wounds were obvious, I was a lucky man. The doctor performed much-needed repairs and then nurses transported my injured body to a private room. My wife Laura waited in the wings, walking back and forth, looking down at something invisible. She ran in my direction upon seeing the stretcher rolling down the corridor.

“Jason Tanner, don’t you dare do this again, you understand me?” she said, her voice trembling. The love of my life discovered in high school was by my side. Laura's teaching profession is safer than an FBI agent, still, with little warning, she left our world before me. 
  




1. I knelt alongside his[The tactical leader's] twitching body, forgetting the mission

2. The lead man sprinted to the side door carrying a battering ram. The tactical leader followed him, the rest of the team trailed a few feet behind.

3.We were getting ready to run inside when a large explosion

4. Shrapnel flew in all directions. Several agents fell to the ground, including myself, engulfed inside the black cloud of the explosion. When the smoke lifted, a half-dozen officials were on the ground, groaning, some motionless. I then lost consciousness.


If you were laying on the ground "then lost consciousness" how were you able to kneel by "his[The tactical leader's] twitching body"?

I hope what I wrote makes sense. But I really do like the story....
Good luck with your book.                           jt
93
Writing Games & Challenges / Re: the last person to post here wins
« Last post by JanTetstone on October 18, 2018, 02:29:40 PM »
When on the podium, don't believe anyone who says "I quit."   
Quitters never win and winners never quit.      ;D
94
Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: Hi ! From a newly discovered writer
« Last post by RC Cameron on October 18, 2018, 12:51:53 PM »
I just posted a chapter the "Review my work". Check it out.

Thanks for the welcome words.
95
Review My Work / Chapter 1 : The Missing Taylor (818 words) Mystery Novel
« Last post by RC Cameron on October 18, 2018, 12:40:07 PM »
 “Ready? Go!”

These were the last words my tactical leader pronounced before a terrible explosion abruptly severed his carotid artery. I knelt alongside his twitching body, forgetting the mission. My hand on the side of his neck felt the flow of warm blood between my trembling fingers, impossible to stop. And so, my colleague died almost instantly. I lost a close person for the first time.

A week ago, in the FBI situation room, a planning session was underway. The planners selected four targets tied to a gang of criminals making and distributing controlled substances in the district. These addictive drugs were sometimes deadly for young users in city ghettos. We teamed up with the Chicago police, my former employer. The plan was to arrest the crooks and seize the production site. It was a major project, expectations were high.

The targets of our search were four individuals including the mastermind, Bruce Steiner. This fifty-four-year-old Caucasian had a long history in the drug business but avoided capture for a serious offense. He evaded the authorities by moving away. After sightings in Los Angeles, Denver, and New Jersey, he now operated an important drug ring in Chicago, my hometown. Based on our data, we should find him with ease. He wore a tattoo on his face, a tiny cat surrounded by nine small dots around his right temple, echoing the nine lives he pretended to enjoy.

We also sought a couple and a young man involved in the drug distribution activity in the city. They worked in the downtown area and the North side of Chicago. They had a long rap sheet of drug-related offenses. But Steiner was the prime target, the kingpin. The raid included his home and a shop who fronted his illicit activities in an Eastside industrial area. It looked like a regular garage but with a sizeable backroom used only by the bad guys where we believed the manufacturing operations took place
.

As part of our preparation,  we monitored all the target locations. We wanted to identify who lived in those houses, wife, girlfriends or children. They delivered signed warrants a day in advance, a textbook operation.

On that crucial day, at 4:00 AM, our attack team composed of ATF, FBI plus Chicago PD officers met for one last update and final review. Half an hour later, all armored and other police vehicles left toward the targeted sites still dark outside. They scheduled the final assault for 5:30 AM. We expected individuals to be home naked in bed having no intention of resisting arrest. They forecaster a cold morning rain for later.

Close by the garage, the words “Ready” and “Go” echoed in the morning as the sun rose on the horizon. The lead man sprinted to the side door carrying a battering ram. The tactical leader followed him, the rest of the team trailed a few feet behind. On the initial hit, the door resisted but then gave way and flew open on the second try. We were getting ready to run inside when a large explosion destroyed the entryway in a sound I had never heard. The booby trap, we discovered later, would hurt whoever entered. Shrapnel flew in all directions. Several agents fell to the ground, including myself, engulfed inside the black cloud of the explosion. When the smoke lifted, a half-dozen officials were on the ground, groaning, some motionless. I then lost consciousness.

Faceguard and body armor absorbed large chunks of the blast. Arms and legs, where limited protection existed, got the rest of the brunt. Ambulances arrived within minutes to transport the wounded to the University of Chicago trauma center. The center carries a rich reputation for excellent care. The tactical officer died on site. Standing opposite the man holding the ram, he had no chances. Four others suffered wounds of various degrees, myself included.

Other raid locations generated three more arrests. But our main target, Steiner, fled before our team arrived. The cat had lived through another episode, silently informed before the raid. The FBI will stay forever ignorant on the source of the leak.

In the hospital's emergency room, the doctor informed me I lost a lot of blood. A broken arm hung on my left side, all my bones hurt, multiple shrapnel wounds were obvious, I was a lucky man. The doctor performed much-needed repairs and then nurses transported my injured body to a private room. My wife Laura waited in the wings, walking back and forth, looking down at something invisible. She ran in my direction upon seeing the stretcher rolling down the corridor.

“Jason Tanner, don’t you dare do this again, you understand me?” she said, her voice trembling. The love of my life discovered in high school was by my side. Laura's teaching profession is safer than an FBI agent, still, with little warning, she left our world before me. 
  


96
The Gallery / The Purple Fairy Hat- a children's story
« Last post by JanTetstone on October 18, 2018, 12:19:27 PM »
The Purple Fairy Hat
  by Jan Tetstone

Star fairy was setting in her tiny fairy chair, unloading the purple chest of its magical treasures. "Where is it!?" she asked herself, as the pile of magical treasures, next to her, grew higher and higher.
 
Taking a tiny purple hat from the chest, Star fairy smiled from ear to ear.

Holding the hat with her tiny fairy hand, she flew over to the magic mirror, hanging on the wall.

Placing the tiny purple hat on her head, Star watched her image in the mirror, waiting for it to disappear. Nothing happened.

"It's Halloween! I can't go out, unless I'm invisible! There's monsters and vampires behind every tree, waiting to suck away all my fairy energy and magic. What am I to do?”  Moaned Star fairy, remembering what happened to the last fairy who ventured out on Halloween  without being invisible.

There came tap tap tapping on the fairy house door.

"Who is it?” Star asked, taking one last glance in the mirror.

"It's me Carter Crow,” replied Carter crow,” I've come to get my purple hat. I left it here last Halloween. Remember!?”

Taking the tiny hat from her tiny head, Star fairy flew to the door, opened it, handed Carter the hat, and shut the door without saying a word.

"I'll see you in the enchanted forest Star fairy,” the crow, turning to fly away, hollowed back.

Star fairy's eyes rested on the purple chest for a sliver of a moment. She snapped forward, opened it, and retrieved the tiny purple hat from inside.

Once more flying over to the mirror hanging on the wall. . .

 Star fairy places the tiny magic hat on her head, and happily watches, as her image in the mirror begin to slowly fade away.

97
All the Write Questions / Re: What other words can be used to replace said?
« Last post by JanTetstone on October 18, 2018, 09:25:42 AM »
Sometimes you do need a 'speech tag', but more often, if you chosen your dialogue carefully, the words themselves will convey the emotion.

In my experience the times when you do need a speech tag is when the words are used deliberately out of the normal context and the reader would benefit from a little nudge in the direction you intended.  Such as when a man calls another man a bastard, but in an admiring or appreciative way.

Battlefield dialogue perhaps, along the lines of "You're a bastard, Docherty."  Admiring his ruthlessness.  "But you're our bastard."

Like everything in writing all techniques and tricks can be overdone, and ideally they will work without the reader being aware of them.  Your writing is the vehicle for the story, not an end in itself.

Gyppo

 

You are right Gyppo.
 But, having a list of words that can replace the word said, might benefit some (like me) who do not have the knowledge of authors/writers, such as yourself.

I am so happy to see you active on MWC. I miss reading posts from you and other writers, I read on the boards the first time I joined MWC, many years ago. 
Welcome back to your writers circle.

jt


98
The Gallery / Re: Poems from Heartsong Poetry Diary
« Last post by JanTetstone on October 18, 2018, 09:12:44 AM »
Really enjoyed these two poems, Jan.
I'm not skilled in ready poetry, but I enjoyed these two.
The first one a touching poem, about transitoriness of love, time, and life. I noticed whilst reading there were two typos, "quite of night", and "As I morn for times past".
But then,(I hope) I saw how clever it was. To use quite as in "absolute", the absolute of night, and morn, as in dawn, conveying a mental movement back in time. Whilst it also works in the other sense. That's some skillful polyvalency.

I really enjoy the contrasts in the second poem, between light/dark, blindness/sight, contracted with the inward dark and light of despondency and kindness. I was a bit lost here, and couldn't figure out the meaning of it:
"~and the looks of kindness on their faces... Who I blame for any kindness that I myself
 might let loose in the world;"

Perhaps, you'd be kind enough to let me know sometime.
Thanks for sharing.

Thank you EM. It was a nice surprise to see/read your comment.

"~and the looks of kindness on their faces... Who I blame for any kindness that I myself
 might let loose in the world;"

Sometimes in looking back over my life, I remember the kind deeds,  more clearly than the faces of the deed doers. My life would be a flip side of what it is today, had it not been for the caring souls who ,unknowingly, left their mark on my mind and in my heart. Because of the kindness shown to me many years ago, I strive always to be worthy of the caring others showed for me (and my life)...when I stood at the cross roads of my life.

Being a heart writer, I make lots  of writing mistakes, according to poets who go/have gone to school to learn the art of painting pictures with words. But, because my writing has always been for the purpose of unloading my mind, in order to get a better understanding of my emotions, and experiences, I write down my thoughts as they leave my heart and mind.

The product of my writing ( my thoughts and feeling, about myself, others, my life, and life its self) are not restrained by rules on how poetry should/should not be composed.

I hope I have answered your question.

jt

 

 
99
The Writers Circle / How to Survive NANO 2018. Relatively sane and not a physical wreck.
« Last post by Gyppo on October 18, 2018, 09:05:54 AM »
I'm probably not playing this year, but for anyone tackling it for the first time here's a 'reprint' of my magazine article I wrote and sold several years back about the whole NANO experience.  I got three and half first draft novels out of doing it this way.

Gyppo (Who used to hang out here a lot and is pleased to see there's many new names.)

PS:  If you're one of those people who object to 'rules' then remember these are given as guidelines, not orders.  Use and adapt as relevant to yourself.

=====

   The NaNoWriMo novel in a month challenge is both adventure and education.  Fifty thousand words (at least) in thirty days.  A nightmare to some and a doddle to others used to getting lots of words on paper in a short time.

   At the end you'll have a first draft, not a completed novel.  But you will be 50,000 words away from where you started and, importantly, you will know you can do it.  It will never seem quite as daunting again.  You will also know more about yourself as a writer.

   You can plan and research in advance.  Or just wing it if you're an adrenaline fuelled writer.

   Here's a bunch of tips to make November easier, more enjoyable, and more productive, and the link to the NaNo website where you can register.

   http://www.nanowrimo.org/

Physical:

   Many writers drop out simply because their bodies can't cope with the demands of writing every day.  Once you dread sitting at the keyboard because of aches and pains you're heading for failure.   So get 'writing fit' by using the computer more regularly in October if you're a sporadic writer.

   1)  If you don't normally knock out at least 2000 words a day get some practice in otherwise your body will react to the unusual physical demands by shutting down.  Neck, shoulders, back, wrists, and fingers become stiff and sore.  Physical pain interferes with your brain.

     If you're used to them the physical demands aren't a problem, unless you sit glued to your seat for several hours at a stretch.

   2)  Get off your bum for a while, stroll around and loosen up your joints.  Before it starts to hurt.  Maybe even take a walk outside.  I'm not  insisting you interact with 'outside' whilst in a creative fervour.  Especially if you're writing a first person story where you're a killer.  The boundaries can become blurred at times.

   3)  Get a comfortable seat.  Younger bodies are more flexible and tolerant of bad posture than mine, but a month of it will make you suffer.

   4)  Drink regularly.  I'm not suggesting an alcoholic haze, just plenty of liquids.   Physically the brain doesn't like being dehydrated and can play tricks on you.

   5)  Food.  Ideally you won't eat at the keyboard, but I know you will.  Avoid crumbly foods that litter the keys.  Sugary coffee and tea will gum up the keyboard as they dry.  If you spill food or drink stop writing and turn the board upside down to shake off or drain any surplus immediately.  Then wipe with a moist cloth.  You can do this with a laptop too, just don't bang it so hard.  Ignore this and by the end of the month, if not before, your keyboard will stop working.
 
Technical:

   6)  Adjust the brightness - and possibly colour - of your computer screen as needed, otherwise your eyeballs will feel like fried eggs by the end of the first week, and be about as useful for seeing.  I like black type on a mild grey background.

   7)  Font:  Use any font and size you find comfortable.  It's easily changed later to suit a publisher's demands.  One of the benefits of modern processors.  If your eyes are happy with 16 point Dom Casual then use it.  If you don't know how to change the defaults, find the help menu, (usually f1), and learn.

   8)  This free utility can help enormously.  It adjusts screen brightness according to the time of day.  It doesn't suit all systems or machines, but works on most.  Allow at least a week to get used to it.  Your eyes will thank you and you'll feel less tired after a long session.

   http://stereopsis.com/flux/

   When you write sporadically none of the above really becomes a problem.  Full time writers, (which you will be in November), need to get the little things right.  The difference in comfort with the screen set up to suit your own eyes is amazing, and can allow you to put in the occasional 6-10,000 word day when things are zipping along and you don't want to stop.

   9)  Never try to master a new programme or different processor during Nano month.  Stick with something familiar.

   10)  Go offline before you start.  The world won't come to a grinding halt if you're not connected.  Truly.

   Twice a day is enough.  Midday and evening works quite well.  Anyone desperate to contact you will phone.  Even an email saying you've been fired gets no worse for being ignored for a few hours.

   Nano is only thirty days.   A mere 720 hours.  Doesn't sound so much when you think of it in hours, does it?

   The Internet is addictive.  Just trade it for another addiction for November.  Writing.

   11)  If you're thinking of buying a new keyboard do it now, giving it time to become familiar.  Keep the old one for back-up in case of food or drink accidents.

Psychological:

   12)  A writer's brain is a tricky beast.  It has to be to come up with wonderful ideas.  Sometimes we can trick it into working our way.

   13)  Getting ahead of the average word count in the first week allows valuable 'wriggle room' later if Real Life intrudes.  If you get a third done in the first week it feels positively liberating.

   Think in terms of 2000 words a day.  This gives you twenty five days.  Which allows you five spare days in case of domestic disasters.  If a really good day puts you even more ahead this buffer zone becomes very reassuring.

To semi-quote Rudyard Kipling's If...

"If you can fill the unforgiving minute,
 with sixty second's worth of distance run.
 Yours is the world and everything that's in it,
 and Nano will be a piece of cake, Old Son."

(2,592,000 seconds to play with.)

   14)  In the typewriter days a spur to success was the diminishing pile of blank sheets on one side of the typewriter and the growing pile of filled pages on the other.  A growing word count on the screen lacks this physical presence.

   Write the day's word count and cumulative total on a Post It note.  Stick it to the wall where you can see it.  Mine hangs alongside the year planner.

   Stick each day's note to the bottom of the previous one so you have a growing 'tail' as a physical reminder and prompt.  You may need Sellotape to stop it pulling free under its own weight around day twenty.

   Every day, when you first sit down to write, you'll see the growing tail and feel inspired.  You could just use a long paper strip and write the numbers, but the little ritual of adding a new bit each night also helps you switch off until the next time ;-)  It won't work for everyone, but if it does, you'll like it.

   15)  Writing rubbish?  Does it matter if you write any old rubbish to make the word count?

   Just filling pages with utter nonsense will meet the total, but you won't have done more than exercise your fingers.  You could cut and paste 'I'm doing Nano this year' ten thousand times.  Or write a short programme to automate this.  The verification process won't detect your self-cheating.  But where's the benefit in that?

   However. . .  If you write nonsense for the first hundred words each day, rather than looking at a blank screen and brainwashing yourself into believing you can't write, you will find something rather wonderful happening.

   Your subconscious rebels against the mindless nonsense and you'll find useful stuff pouring from your fingertips.  It may take a few sessions before you learn to trust your subconscious, but it will deliver.  Experienced writers know a few minutes of finger exercise at the keyboard summons the brain.

   As long as the rubbish leads to better stuff don't be afraid to write it.  See it as clearing/preparing the workspace before starting a job.  Just as manure fertilises gardens so a little helping of written crap may fertilise your imagination.

   I sometimes feel there is a pressure switch in my bum which triggers the full works as soon as I settle in front of my machine.  It also tends to turn off outside worries, but that may be the fruit of many years at the keyboard.

   When writing by hand I definitely think more clearly with a pen or pencil in my hand.  A quick twiddle or a doodle on the pad seems to unlock extra circuits in my brain.

Practical:

   16)  Fire up your word processing programme first thing and leave it on all day, with your Nano document minimised.  Plus a spare document open for research notes and reminders.  Laptop users will have to compromise here. Whenever the spirit moves you just click and get writing again.   Even a slow computer will handle this easily with all the 'webby stuff' turned off.

   17)  All good processors now have an auto-save function.  Find it and set for five minutes or less.  You won't notice it working in small chunks like that, even on a slow machine.  If there's a power cut you'll be able to remember the last few minute's words.

   18)  Backup at the end of every day onto a thumb drive or another hard drive.  Buy yourself a new thumb drive for Nano.  They're cheap enough.  Wear it on a cord around your neck.  (There's a bit of psychology in this too.)

   19)  When you truly need online research set your timer for fifteen minutes.  If you can't find what you need in quarter of an hour either your search parameters are too wide, or you're being sidetracked too easily.  Probably the latter.  Web wandering is fun, but it's not writing, is it?

   If  a lot of reading needs doing cut and paste a copy into that spare document you have open - you have remembered that trick, haven't you? - so you can read it later off-line and not be tempted into following spurious links.

   20)  After a few days you'll know if you're a slogger or sprinter.  If the latter set your timer for short blocks of time and challenge yourself to write as much as possible in each block.  Then repeat.  For some people this reaps enormous benefits.  Give it a try, then use or discard.

   21)  Feel free to write scenes out of sequence if you're not a meticulous planner.  If you get stuck switch to another scene.

   Avoid going back and tinkering with what you've already written.  This doesn't mean you can't go back to add a scene you skipped earlier.  Just don't get hung up on perfection.

   You fix the sequence and continuity errors later.  I suggest numbering the scenes and allowing each one its own file, or allow one file per day.  You'll probably have around 120 - 200 'scenes' in your novel  These are not chapter breaks at this point, just handy divisions.

   22)  Never write it all as one long continuous document.  One tired moment could delete the whole thing.

   23)  If a section needs more research add a note to this effect, in a contrasting colour, and press on.  Momentum is important.

   24)  Doubts.  Having doubts half or three quarters of the way through is normal.  It's a long way from failure, so just crack on.

   25)   Get your family on-side before you start.  It helps enormously.  If you're the one who does the cleaning and other chores do an extra thorough job late in October and let yourself relax a bit for the next month.  Most visitors won't even notice.  See the dusty shelves as a badge of office.

   26)  Expect to go slightly mad and lose touch a little with reality.  Some nights the characters won't let you sleep.  But they'll usually back off for a few hours if you make notes.

   27)  Expect friends to look at you in bewilderment when you talk about these new people in your life as if they're real, because to you they are.   You'll have lodgers in your head for thirty days.  And probably long after too.

   28)  After the deadline leave them alone until at least January before you trouble them again.   Distance provides clarity when rewriting the rough first draft.

   29)  Write at least two thousand words more than you need, before scrambling and verifying your work - explanation on the Nano website -  because the NaNo word counter may differ slightly from yours.

   30)  Verify early if you can, in the last week if you've hit the 25 day target, before the site gets overloaded.

Enjoyable:

   Amongst all the above remember to enjoy yourself.  See NaNo as an adventure, a journey of discovery for both yourself and your characters.  Live through their triumphs and disasters with them.

   At the end you get a certificate.  Print it out and hang it on your wall.

   Best wishes.
100
All the Write Questions / Re: What other words can be used to replace said?
« Last post by Gyppo on October 18, 2018, 08:26:32 AM »
Sometimes you do need a 'speech tag', but more often, if you chosen your dialogue carefully, the words themselves will convey the emotion.

In my experience the times when you do need a speech tag is when the words are used deliberately out of the normal context and the reader would benefit from a little nudge in the direction you intended.  Such as when a man calls another man a bastard, but in an admiring or appreciative way.

Battlefield dialogue perhaps, along the lines of "You're a bastard, Docherty."  Admiring his ruthlessness.  "But you're our bastard."

Like everything in writing all techniques and tricks can be overdone, and ideally they will work without the reader being aware of them.  Your writing is the vehicle for the story, not an end in itself.

Gyppo

 
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