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Review My Poetry / Re: Just an emotion
« Last post by Royal Thorn 78 on February 19, 2021, 03:26:07 PM »
Hi crch,
Diary element -- First, there are 35 uses of "I", "me", "I'm", "my" etc. in these 25 lines of poetry.  You can note the uptick in the second half of the poem when these words become scarce.  Second, there is the sense the writer is simply chronicling feelings for his own purposes.

Picture, puzzle, pattern -- good thoughts.  Puzzle not so much, though some poems can't escape it.  Pattern - yes in the cadence, meter, and sounds, and sometimes the structure.  But exact phrase/word repeats carry a need for serious caution. 

I get that it's an addiction poem.  There are huge issues & emotions which are not making it into the poem.  And I think the repeat of emotions being tricky conveys (to me) a light-hearted or almost cavalier treatment, suggesting that if the Narrator is not taking this seriously, then why should the reader?  I also think writing things off to tricky emotions is a head-fake away from the heart of the addition experience. 

Yes, there are serious subjective elements to poetic creation and appreciation. 

How to keep the vibe?  You know where the thread is, if you don't then there is really no poem.  If you are not sure, then feel around in the poem and see if you can find the thread.  If it is one place in the poem, but not another, then start where it is and follow it each way.  To me, it looks like your thread appears in the second stanza (S.2) and drifts into S.5, but then fades again.  That's just my guess -- you are the only one who can know.

A place to start -- remove the repeats and see what you have -- there is some good material, and some stuff appearing weaker by comparison. 

Just my thoughts.  ignore if they don't seem helpful.




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Review My Poetry / Re: Purity
« Last post by crch on February 19, 2021, 01:59:02 PM »


I am thrilled to hear the word "quality". Thank you

In your opinion, how do I write a poem that doesn't reveal "me", but reveals "you" when it is read?

Does that make sense?  Yes, written like my poems.  I know... :)





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Review My Poetry / Re: Just an emotion
« Last post by crch on February 19, 2021, 01:43:18 PM »
I appreciate your opinion very much.  Only recently, have I tried to pen anything.

"Pandemic Poetry" presents...

Would you mind expounding on "diary element"?  This may be applicable to all my poems!

Also, when I write, I see my poems as a picture, puzzle or pattern.

That was my intention with "Just an Emotion".  Dr. Seuss taking on a "heavy" - drug addiction.

I realize poetry is subjective.  It is mine, but your reviews are interesting to me.

Do you have advice on how to keep the vibe of this poem, without feeling overdone?
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Review My Poetry / Re: Your Abortion
« Last post by Royal Thorn 78 on February 19, 2021, 01:15:42 PM »
You tackle a difficult subject head-on.  Kudos!

Here is a poem on the topic of loss by miscarriage:

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=42670.msg723058#msg723058

Much to learn from this woman's writing.
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Wow -- you have the facility for writing.  This poem to attribute to your character should fill the bill. Once you finish your novel, then get to writing poetry on a daily basis -- you will be delighted at what results.
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Review My Poetry / Re: subterranean metaphor
« Last post by Royal Thorn 78 on February 19, 2021, 12:27:03 PM »
Feels like you have something to say, but in my opinion, this is vastly over-written.  There seems to be no noun without accompanying melodramatically exultant modifiers.
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Review My Poetry / Re: Missing Autumn
« Last post by Royal Thorn 78 on February 19, 2021, 12:23:18 PM »
English being your second language presents its own set of hurdles in writing poetry, but this effort demonstrates that you are up to the challenges.  Question -- do you write in your first language and then translate?
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Review My Poetry / Re: Just an emotion
« Last post by Royal Thorn 78 on February 19, 2021, 12:08:02 PM »
There are some fine turns of phrase in this, but the repeats are massively overdone, and there is a strong 'diary' element to this.  Just my opinion.
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Review My Poetry / Re: Purity
« Last post by Royal Thorn 78 on February 19, 2021, 12:05:56 PM »
When you describe in prose what prompted this writing, you evoke the senses and the emotions -- that is quality writing.  Your poem is way too general/abstract to let us share what you feel. 
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Review My Poetry / Re: Late Night Overthinking
« Last post by Royal Thorn 78 on February 19, 2021, 12:03:01 PM »
Not a bad screed - but it feels like it is driven by the lurch to the next rhyme.
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