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Review My Poetry / Re: Just an emotion
« Last post by Royal Thorn 78 on February 19, 2021, 03:26:07 PM »Hi crch,
Diary element -- First, there are 35 uses of "I", "me", "I'm", "my" etc. in these 25 lines of poetry. You can note the uptick in the second half of the poem when these words become scarce. Second, there is the sense the writer is simply chronicling feelings for his own purposes.
Picture, puzzle, pattern -- good thoughts. Puzzle not so much, though some poems can't escape it. Pattern - yes in the cadence, meter, and sounds, and sometimes the structure. But exact phrase/word repeats carry a need for serious caution.
I get that it's an addiction poem. There are huge issues & emotions which are not making it into the poem. And I think the repeat of emotions being tricky conveys (to me) a light-hearted or almost cavalier treatment, suggesting that if the Narrator is not taking this seriously, then why should the reader? I also think writing things off to tricky emotions is a head-fake away from the heart of the addition experience.
Yes, there are serious subjective elements to poetic creation and appreciation.
How to keep the vibe? You know where the thread is, if you don't then there is really no poem. If you are not sure, then feel around in the poem and see if you can find the thread. If it is one place in the poem, but not another, then start where it is and follow it each way. To me, it looks like your thread appears in the second stanza (S.2) and drifts into S.5, but then fades again. That's just my guess -- you are the only one who can know.
A place to start -- remove the repeats and see what you have -- there is some good material, and some stuff appearing weaker by comparison.
Just my thoughts. ignore if they don't seem helpful.
Diary element -- First, there are 35 uses of "I", "me", "I'm", "my" etc. in these 25 lines of poetry. You can note the uptick in the second half of the poem when these words become scarce. Second, there is the sense the writer is simply chronicling feelings for his own purposes.
Picture, puzzle, pattern -- good thoughts. Puzzle not so much, though some poems can't escape it. Pattern - yes in the cadence, meter, and sounds, and sometimes the structure. But exact phrase/word repeats carry a need for serious caution.
I get that it's an addiction poem. There are huge issues & emotions which are not making it into the poem. And I think the repeat of emotions being tricky conveys (to me) a light-hearted or almost cavalier treatment, suggesting that if the Narrator is not taking this seriously, then why should the reader? I also think writing things off to tricky emotions is a head-fake away from the heart of the addition experience.
Yes, there are serious subjective elements to poetic creation and appreciation.
How to keep the vibe? You know where the thread is, if you don't then there is really no poem. If you are not sure, then feel around in the poem and see if you can find the thread. If it is one place in the poem, but not another, then start where it is and follow it each way. To me, it looks like your thread appears in the second stanza (S.2) and drifts into S.5, but then fades again. That's just my guess -- you are the only one who can know.
A place to start -- remove the repeats and see what you have -- there is some good material, and some stuff appearing weaker by comparison.
Just my thoughts. ignore if they don't seem helpful.