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The script is a little hard to read because of the formatting, I suggest using more paragraphs. There should be gaps after each character talks, for example

Hi, Jason, Jase

I can' talk right now...

This would make the piece less confronting to read.
Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: Hi all I'm new
« Last post by tiredanddeadstudent on May 20, 2019, 01:36:20 AM »
Never mind I answered my own question
Welcome Board - START HERE! / Hi all I'm new
« Last post by tiredanddeadstudent on May 20, 2019, 01:34:59 AM »
Hi all, my name is Kerry :)
I am 20 and an animation student
I'm excited to read new things and try to give helpful feedback

Im wondering is it fine for me to post scripts for screenplays?
Thank you so much for this useful info @heartsongjt   :)

Only curious, have you ever had a book published before?
The Gallery / Re: Who has witnessed strange happenings in the woods?
« Last post by pltrish on May 19, 2019, 11:51:18 PM »
@jy334769 When I was really young, I once went camping with my friends in the woods.

I can't say for sure if I was right or not, but I saw a big broken tree branch with 'red paint' (or maybe blood?) covering the upper half of the branch. Either my imagination was wild and I scared myself, or maybe it really was only paint.

I didn't dare go near that branch, nor to find out more. My friends and I turned around quickly and walked down another path.

Hope this helps  ;)
Authors' Resource Centre / Re: Where to Find a Critique Partner
« Last post by pltrish on May 19, 2019, 11:42:43 PM »
@S-wo Were you able to find a suitable critique partner in the end?

Got my fingers crossed for you!
Review My Work / Re: 1075 Words-Flash Fiction
« Last post by pltrish on May 19, 2019, 11:38:12 PM »
Great points @TRex :)

@Tashnim Rashid Tawsif, I feel your story has potential. Just need to do some editing, add a little extra flavouring here and there, and you just might have an awesome story!

Good luck!  :)
Review My Work / Re: Hunting for an agent (1507 words) - historical fiction
« Last post by TRex on May 19, 2019, 09:49:54 PM »

Thanks for letting me read this - I too am curious for more.

Some thoughts:

1. I don't think you need the break after the first sentence, unless that is something that becomes apparent later.

2. Your pace and sentence structure is very good.

3. I would eliminate many of the returns/new paragraphs that aren't someone new speaking.  It comes across as just a tad disjointed when it could read in better unity if you kept some sentences with the dialogue until the next speaker.

Hope there is more soon.
Review My Work / Re: 1075 Words-Flash Fiction
« Last post by TRex on May 19, 2019, 08:51:50 PM »
This is an interesting idea.

A couple of things I noted:

1. I agree with pltrish that the timeline seems a bit jumbled and hard to follow.

2. I love the use of the em dash, but there was a bit too much of it and it became distracting to me.  That might be just me since I often find myself using the em dashes too much, but I thought it was worth pointing out.

3. There are several spots where I think less is more.  The "sometimes" in the first sentence after the equation.  I think it reads better as "sometimes of birds, cars, human-faces and suchlike."  Same here:  "I couldn’t talk, eat, or feel anything but a burning ache in my heart."

Good luck with the story.
Welcome Board - START HERE! / Hello All!
« Last post by TRex on May 19, 2019, 08:43:08 PM »
I'm excited to join this forum and look forward to the benefits of this community.
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