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31
Review My Work / Re: Promise Kept [504 words] draft
« Last post by JanTetstone on October 20, 2018, 09:34:50 PM »
Dear JanTetstone,

Thank you for sharing your work. I'm just a beginner on this forum so I hope my comments will be helpful.

Starting with a choking scene is engaging. However, I think you should start with the focus on the hands rather than Liza's sensations, since the hands around the throat gives context to Liza's experiences. Also, some context as to why Robert is intoxicated and her relationship with Robert (I assume partner/lover/spouse at this point) would also raise the stakes.

In addition, I found it a bit incredible that Robert was intoxicated but still managed to respond to environmental cues (e.g., his friend calling him to come out) so readily. I've never been intoxicated though so I wouldn't really know. I suppose it depends how drunk he is?

After that, I love the slowed pace and still atmosphere you create once Robert leaves. Very nice.

Regarding the suitcase scene, I agree with jkalman's point about the strangeness of Liza wanting to look at the wedding dress after Robert just abused her. However, I think a bit of context and description of Liza's internal processes could solve this problem. That is, what is Liza thinking about when she decides to open the suitcase? Is she harking back to happier days with Robert, wondering how he transformed from her prince to an abusive monster? Is she holding onto some (deluded) hope that the kind Robert she knew "is still in there somewhere"? Or perhaps she's reflecting on how she knew the relationship was doomed because they married for reasons other than love (e.g., she fell pregnant with his child, forced marriage, visa-hopping) - I don't know what the story you've made for Liza and Robert's relationship is but I think it's worth integrating into this scene.

Also, we need to know what he replaced the dress with. Otherwise, we as readers don't really comprehend why Liza is so shocked.

Thank you
Inky

Thank you Inky.
You  and jk have given me much to think about.                jt
32
Review My Work / Re: Promise Kept [504 words] draft
« Last post by Inky on October 20, 2018, 09:11:59 PM »
Dear JanTetstone,

Thank you for sharing your work. I'm just a beginner on this forum so I hope my comments will be helpful.

Starting with a choking scene is engaging. However, I think you should start with the focus on the hands rather than Liza's sensations, since the hands around the throat gives context to Liza's experiences. Also, some context as to why Robert is intoxicated and her relationship with Robert (I assume partner/lover/spouse at this point) would also raise the stakes.

In addition, I found it a bit incredible that Robert was intoxicated but still managed to respond to environmental cues (e.g., his friend calling him to come out) so readily. I've never been intoxicated though so I wouldn't really know. I suppose it depends how drunk he is?

After that, I love the slowed pace and still atmosphere you create once Robert leaves. Very nice.

Regarding the suitcase scene, I agree with jkalman's point about the strangeness of Liza wanting to look at the wedding dress after Robert just abused her. However, I think a bit of context and description of Liza's internal processes could solve this problem. That is, what is Liza thinking about when she decides to open the suitcase? Is she harking back to happier days with Robert, wondering how he transformed from her prince to an abusive monster? Is she holding onto some (deluded) hope that the kind Robert she knew "is still in there somewhere"? Or perhaps she's reflecting on how she knew the relationship was doomed because they married for reasons other than love (e.g., she fell pregnant with his child, forced marriage, visa-hopping) - I don't know what the story you've made for Liza and Robert's relationship is but I think it's worth integrating into this scene.

Also, we need to know what he replaced the dress with. Otherwise, we as readers don't really comprehend why Liza is so shocked.

Thank you
Inky
33
Review My Work / Re: Promise Kept [504 words] draft
« Last post by jkalman on October 20, 2018, 08:10:05 PM »
Quote from: JanTetstone
JK, your question  is of great help to me. 
Thank you  for  the link, and  for taking the time to read and comment.                  jt

You're more than welcome :)
34
Writing Games & Challenges / Re: Conjoining Words
« Last post by JanTetstone on October 20, 2018, 07:04:42 PM »

up yonder
35
The Gallery / There Is A Time - poem
« Last post by JanTetstone on October 20, 2018, 06:26:09 PM »

There Is A Time

There is a time for laughter
There is a time for tears
There is a time for hearts
to love  . . .

There is a time for hearts
to let love go . . .
Yes, there is a time for
everything
the good and the bad
Thing that make the heart
happy . . .
Things that make the heart
sad.

There is a time for paths to
cross . . .
A time for love to be
A time for love to leave. 
A time for hellos
A time for good byes
A time to see with the heart
A time to see with the eyes.
       -Jan Tetstone


12:41 am   June 5, 2012


36
The Writers Circle / Re: Beginning Writer
« Last post by JanTetstone on October 20, 2018, 04:22:43 PM »
Welcome to MWC  BroDro ....

 I could be wrong but I think you posted this on wrong board.  The subject of this board is 'writer's block' 

    jt
37
The Coffee Shop / Re: Nano Prep 2018
« Last post by JanTetstone on October 20, 2018, 04:11:20 PM »
In the fond hope it may help anyone who's tackling NANO for the first time this year...

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=66853.0

Gyppo


Thank you Gyppo.
38
The Coffee Shop / Re: Nano Prep 2018
« Last post by Gyppo on October 20, 2018, 03:25:40 PM »
In the fond hope it may help anyone who's tackling NANO for the first time this year...

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=66853.0

Gyppo
39
Review My Work / Re: Promise Kept [504 words] draft
« Last post by JanTetstone on October 20, 2018, 01:19:54 PM »
Hey Jan. Why did she want to look at her wedding dress after her maniacal husband had tried to kill her? 

In terms of writing, this is a nice little article about participle phrases (-ing verbs). You have a few mistakes with this grammatical structure. https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/participle-phrases/

JK, your question  is of great help to me. 
Thank you  for  the link, and  for taking the time to read and comment.                  jt
40
Review My Work / Re: Promise Kept [504 words] draft
« Last post by jkalman on October 20, 2018, 12:03:55 PM »
Hey Jan. Why did she want to look at her wedding dress after her maniacal husband had tried to kill her? 

In terms of writing, this is a nice little article about participle phrases (-ing verbs). You have a few mistakes with this grammatical structure. https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/participle-phrases/
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