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31
The Coffee Shop / Re: Quotes that make you stop
« Last post by Noizchild on April 06, 2021, 06:29:57 PM »
"Ooh-wee-ooh, I look just like Buddy Holly 0h oh, and you're Mary Tyler Moore"-- Weezer
32
Writing Games & Challenges / Re: Word Non-Association
« Last post by Skald--of--jorvik on April 06, 2021, 10:04:19 AM »
Cheese
33
The Coffee Shop / Re: Quotes that make you stop
« Last post by Skald--of--jorvik on April 06, 2021, 10:02:01 AM »
"Frankenstein enters into a body building competition and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective." --unknown

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

That made me laugh more than it probably should have!

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. — Mark Twain
34
Review My Work / Re: My Demon
« Last post by Skald--of--jorvik on April 06, 2021, 09:49:05 AM »
I really enjoyed this, the introduction in particularly and the opening paragraphs really shook me and got my attention.

One tiny note is

This is my story. A story of a healthy active person who after being diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy at the age of nineteen embarked on a profound journey into adulthood, womanhood, motherhood, and being a marriage



I would reword the 'being a marriage' part. Other than that, I really enjoyed your extract.
35
Review My Work / Abracabio! A Magical Journey to the Cell (excerpt from CB)
« Last post by chelsean823 on April 06, 2021, 03:18:53 AM »
Hi, this is an excerpt from my educational children's book. Any feedback/comments are greatly appreciated--thanks so much!


One day, Taylor is happily skipping home when she thinks of a question. Bursting in through the front door, she yells, “Mom! Mom! Hi Mom!” Mom smiles, waiting for the question she knows is coming. “What’s our question today, Taylor?” she asks.

Taylor begins explaining her dilemma: “On the bus ride home today, I realized something: ALL of my friends are totally different!

George is always playing with his dinosaurs. But I know that reading is much more fun!
Then there’s Chelsea, who loves to cuddle with her cat. But we LOVE dogs!
Kyle likes red. But everyone knows that purple is the best color!
Why are we all so different?

Mom, a biologist, is very excited to answer Taylor’s question. “Actually, Taylor, people are more similar than they are different. Let’s go to my lab to see why,” she says. When they get to her room, Mom takes out lab coats and goggles. “Safety first!”

Mom pulls out some weird stuff… Taylor has no idea what is going on. “What are those?”

Pointing to a shiny machine, Mom replies, “This is a microscope. Cells are really small, and this machine makes them look big enough for us to see them! This dish over here is called a petri dish. Inside it, there are millions and millions of cells.”

“Wow, a million is a whole lot of cells!” Taylor exclaims. Mom nods her head, “Yep! If you had one million kids stand up on top of each others’ shoulders, they would stand taller than airplanes can even fly!”

Mom puts her eye up to the circular piece of the microscope and adjusts some of the levers. Then she says, “Ok, we’re all ready! Come and have a look, Taylor!”

Taylor excitedly puts her eye up to the microscope. To her surprise, she sees lots of wiggly ovals. “Are those cells?” she asks. “Yes they are!” says Mom.
Taylor wondered… what are cells really?

Mom began to explain: “Cells are the building blocks of all life on Earth, and they’re part of what makes us all the same.”
Now Taylor is really interested--“Mom, I want to learn more about cells!”

Mom says, “Then let’s do it. All we have to do is point at the cells and say the magic word.” Taylor says, “Is it abracadabra?” “Nope, it’s abracabio!”
“On three. One, two, three. Abracabio!”

Taylor and Mom are whisked into the cell, falling through a flashing portal of lights. They land on a clear, jelly-like patch of land in a vibrant, beautiful world.

“It’s so magical!” Taylor exclaims. “Yay! We are now inside the cell! Let’s go meet some of my cell friends!”

They keep walking along the path until Taylor sees a circular friend in the distance and runs ahead. “Who is this?” she calls back to Mom. “Meet RB! He makes proteins, which are very important for life.” Taylor is a bit confused. “What are proteins?” she asks.

Mom says, “Proteins are those chains of beads that you see RB making. Every type of protein has its own function, and they work together to keep the cell running by building and repairing all the different parts.” “Wow!” Taylor says. “I didn’t know cells have so much going on inside them… how cool!”

Mom smiles. “We’re just getting started!” Suddenly, the ground stretches out, and Taylor hears a super loud yawn. She asks Mom, “What’s happening?”
“We’re taking a walk on Roe, and she just woke up from her nap,” Mom explains.  “Ooh, what does Roe do?” “Roe folds those strings of beads into functional, active proteins. It’s kind of like when you fold origami at school. The paper by itself is pretty boring, but you need that paper to fold the awesome origami!” Taylor then says, “Oh, I understand now.”

Taylor yawns. Mom reaches down and takes her hand. “Let’s go home,” she says.

“But we haven’t learned how people are similar yet! We only learned about the different parts of the cell,” Taylor complains. Mom laughs and responds, “All of this, everything around us, is exactly what makes people the same!

Everyone we met had different colors, different shapes and sizes, and does different things, but every single one--Mito, RB, Roe, Gi, Nu, and their friends-- is what we are each built of. The same parts make up every cell, and the same cells make up every person!”

With one last look at the magical cell, Mom and Taylor leave and quietly bike home, with Taylor deep in thought.
 
Back home, Taylor and Mom reflect on their adventures. “So, did you have fun meeting our new friends today?” Taylor responds, “Yes! I learned that cells are in me and all my friends, George, Chelsea, and Kyle! We are all made of cells!”

“Everyone looks a little different on the outside, but when you look closer, we are all the same.” “Nice explanation, Taylor!” Mom wraps Taylor in a big teddy bear hug. “Now time to go to bed. A new adventure is waiting for us tomorrow!”
36
Writing Games & Challenges / Re: Word Non-Association
« Last post by JTetstone on April 05, 2021, 12:18:58 PM »
https://translate.google.com/translate?hl=en&sl=ru&u=https://movex.kiev.ua/o-nas.html&prev=search&pto=aue

You should have used a translator ... This is a writers site....   jt
37
Writing Games & Challenges / Re: Word Non-Association
« Last post by elizamorton on April 05, 2021, 05:27:02 AM »

Автотранспортная компания ‘’MovEx``осуществляет оперативные грузоперевозки по Киеву и всей территории Украины самых разных грузов.

Грузоперевозки производятся современными автомобилями различной грузоподъемности, за рулем которых вы встретите опытных водителей-профессионалов. ЧТобы клиенты были довольны - наши специалисты разрабатывают индивидуальную схему, по которой будет осуществляться перевозка груза, помогают подобрать наиболее подходящий автомобиль,рассчитывают стоимость грузоперевозки,определяют график по которому будет проходить доставка.

Мы реализуем профессиональный подход в обращении с грузами и поэтому наша компания предлагает только специализированные дополнительные услуги,такие как услуги грузового такси или команды грузчиков.

https://movex.kiev.ua/
38
Review My Script / Re: Beginning of a pilot
« Last post by BaileyNeve on April 04, 2021, 03:47:40 AM »
Ummm....yikes.

This was really a disorienting and cliche read. The biggest issue I have with this is there's no story whatsoever. Just some lady getting rocked by some drunk asshole then leaves to fuck the guy that "saved" her. What's the story? What are you trying to set up? I don't know or care about any of these characters any more than I did before I knew they existed. It's just boring.

"INT . PUB - NIGHT

A DRUNK MAN sits at the bar with an empty seat beside him.

He's VERY drunk, attempting to order another shot of whiskey.

In the background sits a MAN - noticing the mess.

A phone vibrates and lights up on the bar. The man shoots back his whiskey and picks up the phone. Squinting his eyes to focus on the text."


This scene is just flat-out confusing. You differentiate between two nameless men by referring to them as "MAN" and "DRUNK MAN". If either one of these men is going to be a recurring character in your program, just state their name outright. Keeping them essentially anonymous by referring to them as "MAN" & "DRUNK MAN" is not only boring, but it jumbles your action lines and makes them extremely difficult to follow. Which man is doing which action? This needs to be much, much, clearer.

"A phone vibrates and lights up on the bar. The man shoots back his whiskey and picks up the phone. Squinting his eyes to focus on the text.

It's a picture... It's blurry... It's a dick pic!?

A WOMAN reaches in and grabs the phone from his hand. He turns around and knocks her to the floor - the phone goes flying out of her hand.

The DRUNK MAN gets punched in the face and falls flat on the ground."


So many questions. What is the significance of the dick pic? Is it just for shock value? Is it meant to be comedic? Who is it from?

That leads me to my next question, which is: Who's fucking phone is it? Is it the drunk man's? If so, why is this random lady just grabbing it out of his hand? And if it's her phone, why is he picking it up off the bar in the first place? At this point, we don't know which of these characters was meant to receive this picture, and worse, we don't know why. It isn't referenced at any other point in the script.

This also makes the next action line weird and confusing. Even if this random lady is taking his phone unprovoked, it seems unbelievable and excessive that he would just knock her ass to the floor (she later states that "He broke my fucking face", so did she just get pushed or did he straight up cold cock her in the mouth?????).

"We reveal the MAN sitting at the table earlier.

MAN
(Extending his hand to the woman on the ground)

You alright?

WOMAN

I didn't need you to do that.

MAN

Not exactly why I did it

She gets up without accepting his hand for help.

In the background a few security guards escort the DRUNK MAN out of the bar.

WOMAN

That man just broke my fucking face, you know, not the right time to be trying to pick me up.

MAN

No... I was just trying to pick you up

WOMAN

I JUST said, NOT the right time to pick me up."


This dialogue is just so bad. It's cliche, formulaic, and utterly predictable.

It seems slightly strange that she's so resistant to this man's help while being generally callous, and yet, a few lines down she's flirting with him and is leaving the bar to go fuck him? It makes that terse exchange at the beginning null and void since she's already shown that she's kind of a pushover and easily persuaded.

"WOMAN (cont.)

This isn't a normal thing for me, you know. I'm not in bar's every week getting smacked in the face just waiting for some handsome dude to come along and save me. I don't NEED saving - I'm the saver. I can take care of myself, AND you. Not you - you. The metaphorical you. The you which is-

MAN

Like a life saver. (extremely proud of himself)

WOMAN

What?

MAN

Life saver - you said you don't need saving, you're the saver.

WOMAN

Oh, and not cause I'm sweet?

MAN

I was JUST about to get to that!


The waitress comes by and places another beer on the table


WOMAN

Tryna get me drunk?



The WOMAN takes a swig of her drink - spilling a little, letting it drip down her chin.


WOMAN (cont.)

er!

MAN

You're gonna need it if you wanna forget about the pain

WOMAN
(Sarcastically)

Which pain?


She points to her face... Her heart... Her vagina..

The man chuckles and a light bulb turns on above his head.


MAN

Come with me."


Just, ew. None of this makes sense and is just...gross? It seems like you're going for a witty/flirtatious banter between these two but it comes off like two 7th graders who have never conversed with someone of the opposite sex before. It's not cute or charming, it's trite and excruciatingly boring.

"WOMAN
(Sarcastically)

Which pain?


She points to her face... Her heart... Her vagina.."


I mean, is this supposed to be a joke? Why would she be feeling pain in her heart or vagina in this instance? What are you even trying to convey here?

"EXT. Park. Night.

The MAN and WOMAN walk through a dimly lit park.

The MAN is scanning the ground looking for something.

WOMAN

Should I be concerned? I thought we'd be in your car halfway through our third time by now. WHAT are we looking for can you please just tell me!"

Like how is she so horny already? She was literally punched in the face 15 minutes ago, and was scolding the dude she so desperately wanting to fuck now. This is just so brutally lazy.

"The MAN and WOMAN share a look.

They slowly move closer.

Their lips are just about to touch as...

The MANS eyes widen- he turns his head and walks off screen.

We watch as the woman stands there - confused and let down.

The MAN comes running back towards her.

Man

Let's go!

END."


WHAT EVEN IS THIS?

They're about to kiss. Okay. Sounds good.

But what causes his eyes to widen and why does he walk off-screen? You offer absolutely zero explanation for this action.

"The MAN comes running back towards her.

Man

Let's go!

END."


AGAIN, WHY DID HE LEAVE AND WHY IS HE RUNNING BACK TO HER? WHY IS ANY OF THIS HAPPENING? You have to explain this shit. We can't read your mind.

Brother, you've got a lot of work to do. There is no story or conflict, and these characters are about as alluring as piss-soaked cardboard. Keep writing.
39
The Coffee Shop / Re: Round table Question of the day
« Last post by JTetstone on April 01, 2021, 11:49:35 PM »
Question of the day: Whose life will you touch for the better?

At my age, I can always find something to bring to the table. But. To tell the truth, I think I'm wasting my time and the readers time. I've said nothing that some other caring soul hasn't already said. I can't snap my fingers,and magically put what it took me a life time to learn, into anyone else's mind. I can't take my heart in my hands and show anyone why I care about complete strangers whose lives mine will never cross..

But in shutting the Round Table down...let me say, there's not a person rich or poor who doesn't have the power to make a difference,for the better, in someone else's life.

     I have always said,"If I can't make the world a better place, before I die,let me at least do everything I can to make sure that I don't leave it a worse world than the one I was born into."

I owe much to strangers who touched my life, and unknowingly helped make me who I am today.

Make the world a better place....stop giving money to charities/foundations; take your blinders off...there are needy people not far from your fancy houses.

You may never know, what your show of kindness does in a strangers life.

But, I can assure you- the receiver of your good deed will never forget "the stranger who made a difference" in their life.




 
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The Gallery / Writing from Heartsong's Poetry Diary
« Last post by JTetstone on March 31, 2021, 08:53:44 PM »
I am but the essence of all
that was, all that is, and
all that will be
set a drift on life's sea.
My journey, yet,
is still  a mystery.
The depth and width of
who I am rest within
And beyond me..
What will be
Will be...     
6:33pm March 31, 2021
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