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31
Review My Work / Re: Chapter One of Fantasy Novel: Tranquility - 1801 Words
« Last post by PIJ1951 on July 21, 2020, 07:16:26 AM »
My first piece of advice would be to ditch the opening sentence since it doesn't display your writing in the best light.
Time was an illusive thing in the windowless laboratory at the base of a now defunct turret.
Some readers might fear you had mis-spelt the word 'elusive' which has only a slightly different meaning - but more importantly, the setting is overloaded with so many details for the reader to take into account. We're in a laboratory - with no windows - at the base of a turret - which is now defunct. Wow. Do we really need to know all this so earlyin the story?

You then introduce your main character by name which is a good move (although I'm often wary of names that are obviously made up to appear exotic). But from this point on I kept reading, enjoying the story as it unfolded. You write well.

The only other parts that jarred were:
The stool fell forward with a hollow clank and wobbled before settling. Everyone grimaced at the spectacle, save for the one who’d initiated it.
I felt they would grimace at the sound rather than the spectacle - but that's a minor quibble.

She stepped closer, and he inched backwards until a table thwarted his escape.
The word 'thwarted' sticks out for all the wrong reasons. Maybe 'barred' or 'blocked' would work just as well?

And Out of the corner of her eye, she caught him stealing glances at her.
Assuming she has two eyes, I would opt for 'the corner of one eye'.

Thanks for sharing.
32
Review My Work / Re: Co:ExisT (revision)
« Last post by PIJ1951 on July 21, 2020, 06:56:35 AM »
It would be an useful starting point if you yourself were to identify what areas you think are lacking. Is it dialogue? Plot arc? Characterisation? Narrative style or flow? Readability? That way, we could maybe help you address those issues.

My personal observations are as follows, and apologies in advance if I'm rather blunt.

Prologues - I hate them, as do most publishing houses. Why not simply start off with chapter 1?

Openings are important. Most readers reach a decision early on whether or not to continue reading. In many cases, they don't make it any further than the end of the first paragraph because the writing is so poor or because there's nothing there to hook them.

Your opening is rather dreadful. If this is a revision, I dread to think what the earlier draft was like.
 
'Fragrant scent was looming in the atmosphere' - 'looming' or 'swimming' - neither makes any sense. Smells linger in the atmosphere or overwhelm it, maybe. And the word 'fragrant' suggests it is an attractive scent rather than something unpleasant, but unless this story is going to be about a smell I'm not sure why you open with that line. The scent is never mentioned again, so why bother telling the reader something of no relevance?

'The room was filled with many and different looking people; some of them didn’t look like people at all.'
Another pointless sentence. 'many and different' again makes absolutely no sense since all people are different.

'All of them were staring at their savior John, as he walked to the center of the room.'
Now I'm slightly intrigued, but identifying your character as their saviour so early in the story without providing context to support the claim seems a little rushed.

But then you switch focus away from John to the dimensions of the room.
'Although spacious, but with that much crowd navigating within that room wasn’t easy.'
This isn't even a proper sentence? And what possible interest could the reader have in knowing this?

Then we're back to the people again:
'There were more than enough people there and they had different clothes and looks as well; all of them were standing though as there was nothing for them to sit, to begin with.'
Did you read this sentence? It's a grammatical mess and tells us nothing of interest. 'more than enough' - enough for what exactly??

Then we're back to John:
'The calm chatter of the guests was becoming louder as John finally reached the center.'

So far you don't appear to know how to start your story so you throw in odd snippets of random information that actually tells us nothing. This time-wasting exercise is more than enough to turn away most potential readers.

Then we have some dialogue, but you overload the sentence with some rather weird descriptors.
'“I heard he’s going back,” said the elegant long eared man with a soothing voice like the calming breeze.
“Shh…” whispered a robed man behind.'
'elegant' and 'long-eared' puts me in mind of a rabbit. And 'a soothing voice like the calming breeze'? Really? It's a little too lyrical to take seriously (I'm seeing the writer here rather than the story) And what has the man's voice got to do with anything? Or the fact that the other man is wearing a robe?

Then instead of continuing with more action, you return to painting a very blurred picture that is impossible to envisage:
'Even kings had come to celebrate. Everybody looked like they were smiling. However at the same time deep down they were saddened as well; which they didn’t show. Some were eating some were socializing with the others but all them become attentive as soon as John stood up to say something.'
Smiling but sad (even though they didn't show this sadness)? Again, this image is so vague I wonder why you bothered to share it with the reader.

To make matters worse, you decide to tell us a little more about the room:
'The walls felt like they were decorated with extreme care, as if they were made for the emperor himself; such a shame that the emperor couldn’t make it despite that.'
How do walls feel anything? This is yet another example of your failure to state a simple fact that is relevant to the plot.

And finally, the worst pair of sentences yet:
'That is a given since that occasion was to commemorate the great hero John (not the emperor), for he and his comrades as well as best of friends saved the world from great peril and disaster. Together they achieved the impossible; but to achieve that they shared many sacrifices as well.'

I gave up reading here, but I fear most readers will not make it this far. Your writing is ungrammatical and long-winded at times, and the focus is muddled, maybe because that's the way your mind works. You also don't seem able to lay out your thoughts in any meaningful order. You flit from one idea to the next without reaching a positive conclusion or making a clear statement of fact (relevant or otherwise). How do you expect your readers to keep track of what's happening when the focus continually switches from sentence to sentence?

My advice on the basis of this excerpt, forget about writing a novel until you have mastered the basic techniques of sentence construction and plot development. Read books and learn from other writers. I'm sorry but I can guarantee you will never find a published book that starts the way yours does.
33
Review My Work / Re: Beginning of a Story
« Last post by Olesia on July 21, 2020, 04:55:39 AM »
Hey RiderWriter11,

Welcome to My Writers Circle, we appreciate you sharing some of your work with us!

To make things more personal we would love to learn more about you, please post an intro on the Welcome Board. Let us know what part of the world you're in, some background on your writing journey and how you found us.

The forum is give and take and the more you review and critiques others writings the more feedback you’ll get on your own writings.

Looking forward to having you as part of the community!
34
Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: Beta readers wanted
« Last post by Olesia on July 21, 2020, 04:40:23 AM »
Hey igrokit1,

Welcome to My Writers Circle!

To make things more personal we would love to learn more about you. Let us know what part of the world you're in, some background on your writing journey and how you found us.

The forum is give and take and the more you review and critiques others writings the more feedback you’ll get on your own writings.

Looking forward to having you as part of the community!
35
Review My Work / Chapter One of Fantasy Novel: Tranquility - 1801 Words
« Last post by robhyx on July 20, 2020, 06:38:14 PM »
This is an excert from the first chapter of a novel I'm working on. Any and all feedback is welcomed. Thanks for reading.

Time was an illusive thing in the windowless laboratory at the base of a now defunct turret. Parzei Bronzefield, the leading alchemist, couldn't recall the last time she'd seen the sun rise or set. Yet, her aching bones and weary eyes told her it was late.

The soft orange glow of candles illuminated the dusty chalkboard before her, scrawled across its surface her own shorthand. The task of deciphering the thousand-year-old formula had fallen upon her and her team. Unfortunately, it was captured in a cryptic nomenclature, one dating back to the long dead Attanian Empire.

Items pertinent to their discovery cluttered the room: glassware of all shapes and sizes, curling parchment, chemicals, and a wealth of precious aetherstone. Crystalline and shaped like a teardrop, aetherstone could be converted to fuel using alchemy. The hope was the formula contained a new method for extracting this energy, one far more efficient than the current system in place.

With a sigh, Parzei removed her spectacles and massaged her temples. “Have we tried combining two parts borium and one part xodium to satisfy the unknown?” She couldn’t believe how weary her own voice sounded.

Prudence, her linguist, looked up from her text. Her large brown eyes, framed by her flawless ginger-blonde hair, surveyed the others. She said nothing. Similarly, Spark, her hulking engineer, whose bald head gleamed beneath the light of a hanging lantern, placed both hands on his workbench, also silent. The question had been for Jkl, her chief in applied alchemy, but he responded with only a snore.

Hunched over a splintering desk, Jkl snoozed. His chin rested on a carefully positioned fist, his elbow balancing it by a miracle of physics. Each snoring breath pushed his dark blonde hair from his face, revealing a mouth leaking drool.

How long has he been asleep? She didn’t care. With a frown and three hasty steps, she shoved the slumbering alchemist. It didn’t take much to jar her teammate into consciousness and compromise the precarious position in which he rested.

When Jkl awoke, he was already halfway off the stool. His eyes shot open like he’d been roused from a nightmare. His arms flailed, reaching for a purchase, any purchase. When they found nothing but air, he fell to the stone with a painful smack and a surprised cry. The stool fell forward with a hollow clank and wobbled before settling. Everyone grimaced at the spectacle, save for the one who’d initiated it.

“Divine Family, Par!” Jkl cursed to his deity, his voice both wild with fury and thick with sleep. “There’s easier ways to wake someone!”

Parzei stepped closer, fists pale and clenched at her side. “I need you awake!” Her shrill voice echoed, dwarfing the sound of chalk snapping in her hand.

Jkl recoiled. He threw his hands in front of his face as if anticipating some thrown projectile.

She stepped closer, and he inched backwards until a table thwarted his escape. “Everyone else is being useful. You are the only person who actually needs to be awake right now, and what are you doing? Dreaming?”

Her teammate hesitated, and when Parzei did nothing but glare, he lowered his hands and rose slowly. Now upright, he massaged his backside through his trousers, wincing as he located where his tailbone had connected with the floor. “I was dreaming, actually.”

Pinpricks of fury at his lack of remorse skittered across her knuckles, and her eyes narrowed. “Pray tell of what?”

Righting the stool and easing back onto it like an elderly man easing into a tepid bath, he said, “Sleep. I was dreaming of sleep. And sweet Father of the Land and Mother of the Wind, it was glorious.” He chuckled and a smirk spread across his face. It would appear her ability to instill fear had fled, along with the Jkl who feared repercussions. This was the familiar, arrogant, obnoxious Jkl she knew all too well.

The room grew as tense as a bowstring with a nocked arrow. One of Jkl’s neglected experiments bubbled in the background, and it reminded Parzei of his carelessness. She had to stop herself from lifting the glassware off the flame and smashing it against his face. As much joy as the thought brought her—more than she'd felt in weeks—she forced it from her mind. Losing her temper would only create a schism in the already strained group. Worse, Jkl may quit, and she still needed him to actualize the formula.

Assuming we have something to actualize, she thought bitterly.

Their eyes remained locked for some time, and she was reminded why she nearly passed on him for the team. Though arguably the most talented applied alchemist at the University of Nevershade, Jkl lacked the appropriate work ethic. They were all tired. They all wanted to go to bed. She didn’t need to poll them to know that. But sleep was secondary. It was a luxury she couldn’t afford. She hadn’t slept in days and wouldn’t until the work was done. It wasn’t complicated: she expected the same level of dedication from everyone else.

Finally calm enough to continue, Parzei repeated her question. “I asked, have we already tried combining two parts borium and one part xodium to satisfy the unknown?”

Knocking back a swig from his mug, Jkl nodded. He grimaced as he swallowed, as if the liquid within was potent. “Yes. Early on. It didn’t work. The result failed to liquefy.” He waved a dismissive hand. “Besides, it wouldn’t be cost feasible, not with the constraints imposed by the crown.”
Parzei discarded the pulverized chalk and frowned. What concern was cost? She was trying to solve the formula—a formula with one and only one solution. Giving the treasury a reason to celebrate was beyond her cares.

“Xodium is almost as precious as aetherstone,” explained Jkl. “We get ours from X’Voria, who, last I checked, we are at war with.” He knocked back another swig of whatever was in the mug. Water, she hoped.

Parzei rolled her eyes and turned back to the chalkboard. “We’re not at war with them. No more than we’ve been for the last three hundred years, anyway.” The Kingdom of X’Voria had been after the subcontinent of New Adelia even before it bore its current title. First the nomadic tribes defended their forested territories. Then the Adelians defended their conquered land. The X’Vorians had been testing the borders high atop Mount Ghal ever since.

“Can it not be synthesized?” she asked.

“It’s expensive to synthesize as well.”

Parzei raked her scalp with a chalky claw, ignoring the dust in her silvery disheveled hair. “You should formulate a new way to synthesize it and make us all rich.”

“Right,” he said sarcastically. “Because that’s why we dedicated our lives to science: to get rich.”

Parzei said nothing.

“Besides,” he continued, “I’m not sharing my wealth with you, Parzei. Your father’s got more land than all our noble families combined.” His crooked grin grew.

Parzei shot him a scornful glance before abandoning the conversation. He was mocking her for being from the Farmlands—an area in the northwest rich in agriculture. Yes, her father was an Adelian lord—Lord Wayland Bronzefield of Willowhill—and yes, he had a great deal of land. Save for that, though, he had little else. Sometimes he even lent a hand to the natives in the fields, but she would never divulge that. Many of the university students came from noble houses. While Jkl was nothing more than a rich snob, Prudence’s father bore the title of baron. Not just any baron either—Baron Darragh Underwood of Skytorar, the kingdom’s territory in the clouds. Needless to say, Parzei remained tight-lipped when it came to the finer details of her home.

With the interruption behind them, everyone resumed their original tasks. Prudence returned to her leather bound volume, and Spark continued tinkering at his workbench. Jkl fought to remain conscious. He must have won the battle, because moments later he downed the last of the mug’s contents, sprang to his feet, and met Parzei at the board.

Out of the corner of her eye, she caught him stealing glances at her. Why? She didn’t know, didn’t care. He should be looking at Prudence, who with her fine clothing and immaculate hair looked fit for a royal wedding. Parzei wore a man’s tunic, large enough to accommodate two, and she hadn’t brushed her hair since leaving for the university three years ago. She didn’t care about appearances or the opposite sex. She was the daughter of a lord but had no interest in marrying some snot-nosed nobleman and living a life of matrimonial servitude. She cared about pushing scientific boundaries, making discoveries.

She cared about solving this blasted formula.

Beside her, Jkl cleared his throat. “I think we need to consider this element is something undiscovered.” He pointed to the far wall where a sheet of cracking parchment depicted the table of the fundamental elements. “We’ve never seen this rune before. In fact, we’ve never seen this shorthand before. We’ve been fortunate enough with the other pieces, but this one may not be there. We should be looking at mineral samples, searching for something new.”

“I don’t think so,” interjected Prudence from across the room. “While the shorthand is new, the fundamental table is complete.” She paused before continuing. “I think it’s a compound; we should be experimenting with more elemental combinations.” Her face brightened, and she pointed at the text in front of her. “Look at these formulas derived by Duli, the Attanian’s most radical alchemist. His work was centuries ahead of its—”

“Duli?” Jkl asked, incredulous. “Didn’t he die inhaling zeron gas because he thought it wasn’t poisonous?” He barked a laugh. “Yeah, real revolutionary, Prude.”

Prudence pursed her lips, no doubt concealing a thousand rude replies. “All I’m saying is, we need to be experimenting with what we know.” Her voice fell to a lower register. “Not hunting rocks in the Scar.”

“And all I’m saying is, if the Attanian’s had it, it’s in the desert somewhere. It would be dogged of us to think we’ve discovered everything.”
Prudence bounced back with another retort, and Parzei watched as they argued. Jkl’s point made sense, but she cringed at the thought of sifting through rock samples, hoping to find a new element. She loathed that kind of laboratory work. Instead, she preferred to use her mind and the principles of logic to solve problems. Let Jkl play with beakers and test tubes. Her strengths lie in the theoretical realm.

Eventually, the arguments died out. Either Prudence felt unsupported by the team and had given up, or Jkl had shaken her confidence. The end result was the same: one unknown still remained.
36
Review My Work / Re: Co:ExisT (revision)
« Last post by Yet EU on July 20, 2020, 08:04:13 AM »
Looming=swimming. Sorry my bad.
37
Review My Work / Co:ExisT (revision)
« Last post by Yet EU on July 20, 2020, 07:31:43 AM »
Hi there. This is a revised version. I know it is lacking in quite a few areas. That's why I need a 2nd opinion. I don't care if you have to ruin my day. But I just want honest thoughts. No sugarcoating necessary. Just be straight. And thank you for reading.


                                   Prologue
 
 
Fragrant scent was looming in the atmosphere. The room was filled with many and different looking people; some of them didn’t look like people at all. All of them were staring at their savior John, as he walked to the center of the room. Although spacious, but with that much crowd navigating within that room wasn’t easy. There were more than enough people there and they had different clothes and looks as well; all of them were standing though as there was nothing for them to sit, to begin with. The calm chatter of the guests was becoming louder as John finally reached the center.
“I heard he’s going back,” said the elegant long eared man with a soothing voice like the calming breeze.
“Shh…” whispered a robed man behind.
Even kings had come to celebrate. Everybody looked like they were smiling. However at the same time deep down they were saddened as well; which they didn’t show. Some were eating some were socializing with the others but all them become attentive as soon as John stood up to say something. The walls felt like they were decorated with extreme care, as if they were made for the emperor himself; such a shame that the emperor couldn’t make it despite that. That is a given since that occasion was to commemorate the great hero John (not the emperor), for he and his comrades as well as best of friends saved the world from great peril and disaster. Together they achieved the impossible; but to achieve that they shared many sacrifices as well.
Not long ago this world was under the threat of the evil god Kryos. He intended to wipe out humanity along with all the other races. Kryos the god of underworld was threatening to not only the world of Entrock but also the gods. John together with his trusted friends defeated Kryos and saved the world; ensuring peace and tranquility. But still many of the guests faked being happy and John could feel it. “Never thought, this would be so sad of an event like this!” John thought. A beautiful young lady cladded in a bright pink dress which was touching the marble floor approached John. She was the center of attention all of a sudden.
“Well done John. Let it be known that I never for a moment lost faith that you wouldn’t succeed. As I prayed for your success so did I prayed for your safety in your journeys. I knew you could do it. But…” The young women stopped as though she bit her lips and couldn’t finish.
“Thank you Princess Lia. The kind words of your highness honors me and us. I can’t bear myself to even speak to you normally anymore. Forgive me Lia.” John bending his knees on the floor, paid respect to the princess.
“Is it…t-true that you have decided to return home today?” Lia replied with a shaking voice.
The whole room went silent, as if they were expecting such a question all along. John was from a place called Earth. A place where technology ruled instead of magic, a place where there were no dragons and no demons and also the place where there was no elf, dwarf and demi-human. He was summoned to this world for the sole purpose of saving the world and her people; because he was thought to be special.
“Will you really leave, John?” Tears gathered around Lia’s eyes as she finished.
“I have done my duty. Please don’t cry princess. You of all people should know that I, a summoned being can stay in this world for no more than 24 months.”
“I know that! But I refuse to accept it.” Her voice disappears as she finishes halfway.
 “Lia…”
A man cladded in dark approached the duo. He had a rather unique getup. Only his eyes were visible; as he was covered by black mist all over his body on top of his clothes. He was John’s close friend and partner in various naughty businesses.
“Don’t worry mate, I’ll take care of the ladies for ya.” The man in black exclaimed with a perverse tone while patted John on the back.
“I think they’d neuter you soon if you keep that up, Mirage. We all know how many times you’ve been caught visiting the women’s bath!” John immediately replied.
“Wouldn’t that be you? Besides, I don’t think anyone has the balls to do that,” Mirage confidently said.
“I don’t have balls but I’m pretty sure I can crush yours,” A young voice protested. “Please honey; don’t say that, I’ll get nightmares.” Mirage with a nervous tone, replied.
Everybody who heard that burst into laughter. The tension in the air was somewhat lifted. However Lia was quite sad thus she couldn’t bring herself to say anything. Meanwhile all of John’s comrades gathered beside him.
“I think I’ll miss you John but definitely not enough to sob.”  The female demon said. She appeared to have a distinctive look thanks to her horns. “You got that right, Mia. Who would miss that closet pervert, John?” Another young girl’s voice resonated within the room. She was younger than the rest and had unique characteristics. She had bright white hair along with fluffy ears which were similar to animal ears.
“My point exactly, Lily!”
“Oh come on! At least let me set off with a smile.” John replied unwillingly.
“I am smiling you know. Ha ha ha”
I wouldn’t call that laughter!
“You definitely deserve that one, John. However I think you’re more of an open pervert than a closet one or more likely an idiot,” Answered, a good looking young man. He had quite a muscular build.
Aren’t both those terms just as bad?” John stared at the young man with a dull look. Although young; he was actually a bit older than John.
Meanwhile a beautiful female woman with long ears entered the room; with her came the grand mages. She was so good looking that half of the crowd; mostly males forgot about John and stared at her instead. The guests even made space for the woman to reach John.
“It is good to see you again John. Are you ready?” the beautiful lady asked, gently.
“It is always a pleasure to see you, your Excellency. In fact I’m glad beyond words.” John was smiling, but while looking at her bosom.
“I totally agree.” Mirage replied while doing the same thing.
“Both of you idiots shut up!” Lily exclaimed with intent.
“Ha aha ha. I’m ready your Excellency. Looks like that fancy elf didn’t come today after all,” John said as he wondered about his comrades who couldn’t make it to the sendoff.
“Very well.”
The grand mages started to prepare a magic circle to transport John back to his world. While moving towards the circle, John bade everybody goodbye.
“Forever you shall be our friend John. Happy journey!” A guest shouted with an elegant voice. He was a young man with long ears.
“Don’t mind the skinny elf. You will be our friend for eternity.”  A fat and round man replied with attitude.
“SHUT UP, FAT ASS!” The young man was rather triggered
“YOU SHUT UP, SKINNY BRAT! “ Although it was getting heated, most of the guests just ignored the two.
“Come on guys, try to get along. They still don’t get along, huh!?” John said.
“You have freed us from despair and have given us a place and purpose in this world. We shall be forever in your debt John,” A demon said.
You’re giving me too much credit.”
“You have our deepest gratitude John. You have not only given us a place in society but also have granted us sovereignty,” A human with goat ears said with great passion.
And I’m glad I did that. It’s a shame I won’t be able to cuddle with you guys anymore!”
“Thank you everyone. It was a roller coaster of a ride for me. But I really am grateful to have been here. Thank you my friends and everyone here. Alas! It is time for me to head home. And for those who didn’t make it; thank you as well. I’ll forever remember you guys in my heart,” John said.
Finally Lia spoke. Although she couldn’t come up with words; she had to.
“I’ll forever remember you, John… Please don’t forget about me.”
“I could never forget you Lia,” With a soft voice John replied.
“I still don’t understand what a roller coaster is!” Mia exclaimed.
“Don’t chase girls all the time, okay? “ Lily said.
“I don’t think that’s possible for him.” Cicil explained with a humorous tone.
“Yeah it would be impossible for him.”  Mia said.
“I don’t see any problem in that. “ Mirage supported John.
“That’s because you’re an idiot.” Sharia instantly rebuked him.
Everybody started to bid farewell to John. Some were crying, some were forcing a smile; however all of them were truly grateful to him. As soon as John stepped on the circle princess Lia burst into tears, for John was her first love.
“Fare well John…” Lia said as tears streamed down her face.
Surprised as he was, John didn’t say anything. Though Lia was John’s first as well, he could not bring himself to tell her that because he knew that eventually he would have to go back to his own world. As John’s body started to disperse everyone started praying for his safe journey.
“I’m sorry to make this a silent goodbye but saying something now would only deepen your grief. Forgive me,” John thought as a single drop of tear dropped from one of his eyes as well.
Seeing only a shimmer of light John slowly opened his eyes only to find himself in hospital, in a single room separated from the main ward. It was awfully hot. The air was humid and smelled like medicines. He could barely move. The air-conditioner was loud; but not that annoying.  There was also a ceiling fan. “Why is there such an antique piece here?” John thought as he looked around. Within a minute he noticed that he was not alone in that room. Next to him was an unknown girl. She was stunned seeing John awaken.
“It…..it’s a miracle….yeah!” The girl said.
The girl quickly ran outside and called the doctors. At first the doctors couldn’t believe it; as this really was no short of a miracle. For some reason a lot of doctors and a lot of nurses came into John’s room. All of them were overjoyed to see John’s recovery. However his family hadn’t arrived yet. John was greatly overwhelmed for he did not know why he was hospitalized and above all the overenthusiasm of the doctors and the nurses; made him feel even more confused. Soon he realized that he had been asleep for almost two years. “A two year long coma!?”
It was one of the greatest shocks of his life. He also soon understood that, the girl next to him was his brother’s fiancée. However the first thought that came to his mind was, “How in the world did he manage to convince such a beauty!?” Though the shock was great, soon it hit him. “What about Entrock? What about my friends in Entrock? What about my journey? Was everything only a dream?”
The doctors explained that John was way too stressed about his life and ultimately unhappy. But just that wasn’t enough to cause coma and even John knew that. Why he went into a coma was a mystery to the doctors too. Even after several tests they couldn’t find any underlying diseases or causes.
However the doctors did say that his brain used sleep to fantasize and create an adventure for him by inducing him in a coma. As his dream ended so did his coma. The human brain is a powerful organ thus that hypothesis wasn’t entirely implausible.
Even so it was unbelievable, for him. “All these memories, friends, hardships deaths were a mere dream? I don’t believe you!” John flat out rejected the concept that the doctors had presented. Even the doctors themselves weren’t fully convinced either; thus John wasn’t totally wrong to do so either.
The doctors went away for the time being so that John would calm down. His brother’s fiancée didn’t know how to react in such a situation. She sat beside John and tried to calm him down. As shocked as John was he didn’t create a scene; rather he focused on his memories and tried to figure out whether they were dreams or not. Soon John’s brother and parents arrived. They were overjoyed but John remained speechless as he could not accept such an explanation. However then the question remained why or how did he get into the hospital then?






(I'm actually confused about what I should call this. Should I make this the prolougue or just keep it as the first chapter?)


38
Review My Work / Chapter 1 of a Sci-Fi novel: Insignia. Word count- 1027.
« Last post by DVnyT on July 19, 2020, 01:53:18 PM »
Atura ran his finger around the brim of the glass. He clawed the edge of the bar and stood up.
“Not this again,” the bartender said. “Three notes folded and tucked beneath a full glass. Does my wine taste that bad?”
“I do it for the old days, Gavin.”
“You don’t have a job like you did in the old days.” Atura scratched his sideburn. “It’s relaxing coming here.”
Gavin slammed his shakers on the bar and leaned in. “What I’m trying to say, Mr. My-company-went-under is that–”
“One. One Camelot.”
“You’re–you’re drinking? You are?”
“No, but you need the money.”
“Get out, Prez.”
Atura stumbled on his chair.
“Need help, you half-legged drunkard?”
“I’ll be—” He staggered out the door.
Neon lights homed in like stingrays. Restaurants and diners flanked the street; Classy and loud. He pulled tightly on his coat.
He turned to an alleyway and grabbed a cleft in the cobblestone.
His 3416 Hover Grande—his out-of-date pride—retracted its refractors, hovering a half-meter off the ground. The lights braided across its serpentine curves. He grabbed its roof and swung into the driver’s seat. He revved the engines; it jolted upward, rocking the propellers for a second before the suspenders kicked in.
“Prez!”
The comms came online. He turned up the volume.
“Come in, Prez,” Luna said.
“All ears, Lu,” he answered, as he made a sharp bank.
“They’re here. The Poseidon, two Nautili, and some fish. The security isn’t impressive. Probs wanted to keep the entire deal low-profile.”
Mihos butted in. “Thing is—Apes ain’t here.”
Atura sighed. “That’s what we’re calling them now?”
Mihos took a whiff. “You’re gettin’ here ’fore the envoy shows?”
“Probably.”
“We’ll see you there,” Luna said, disconnecting the call.
He weaved past Stigma—the system of maglev rails that spiraled out of the city center and looped back—ducking below the intersections. He hightailed just above the main channel; the belly of his beast gliding on the water. He was in his element. The velocity, the mechanics—they were enough to get his mind off things. He’d never won the Trans-galactic—closest he’d gotten was 112th place—and he hadn’t once qualified for the Inter-Cluster, but he enjoyed flying.
As the Hover approached the mouth of the channel, the stabilizers shut down, and it crashed into the water’s density. It plunged with momentum. Atura hammered the window. At this rate, he would slam into the riverbed.
“Level. Level!”
“Access denied.”
“What?”
He rammed his elbow into the window. “Level!”
“Access denied.”
He pulled his knees close to his chest and launched two kicks, sweating. “Don’t look down. Do not look down. Okay, okay. Eject?”
“Access denied.”
“Comms. Comms, now!”
“Systems override. Control switched to Auto. Leveling.”
The Hover Grande bubbled upward. Atura was panting, his eyes shut. It steered onto the adjacent street and leveled off. A man cupped his hands on the glass and peered in.
“Oh,” he said. “Prez.” He doubled-tapped a device and rolled the windows down.
“You jammed my systems?”
“Ha-ha. Uh, not—not unintentionally. I mean, you know, unintentionally,” he said, waving his hands in explanation. “They’re not letting private pilots out of the city.”
“And that’s why I was two seconds from dying?”
“They’re—It’s protocol. Today.”
“To kill people? That’s been their protocol for years. What’s new today?”
“You might wanna tone it down, President. Everything’s recorded, y’know? They don’t let us in on the itsy-bitsy details, anyway.”
“Can you open my door for me?”
“Yup. Will do. Will do,” he said, opening the locked door.
Atura tumbled out and lay down. It took him a minute to absorb everything. He was still in Brassbury; still beneath that bubbly dome over the city. Still alive.
“I’ll make this quick. Look,” he said, resting his head on his hand and turning to Remy. “It’s a purely–” He scratched his sideburn.
“Purely recreational trip. The city’s too loud. I just wanna get out of here. Is that too much to ask?”
“It’s not. It’s not too much. But tell you what. Tomorrow—you and me, we go to Plaza, all right? Tomorrow’s a day off.”
Atura shook his head. “No, Remy. I want to go today. Right now, in fact. I’ll even turn on my refractors. They won’t know jack.”
“Both those things are very illegal.”
Atura sat up and pulled on his trouser cuffs. “You see this?”
“Your prosthetic limb, yeah,” he said, looking away.
“Does that belong to someone afraid of ‘illegal’?”
“Don’t do this to me, Prez.” He sighed. “How long will you be gone?”
“Two hours. Tops.”
“Alright. C’mon, get up.”
“Thanks, Rem.”
“I can’t just let you swim with the fishes,” he said, smiling.
Atura nodded. “That’s a good one.”
“That’s a good one.”

39
I really like the way the spacing if the lines changes the rhythm of the poem in a non traditional way.
40
Review My Work / Re: Beginning of a Story
« Last post by PIJ1951 on July 18, 2020, 08:25:33 PM »
I'm sorry but this is not really a story, is it? At least, it doesn't read like any story I've ever come across.
All you have given us is a series of statements - a list of random facts that may be relevant to the plot once it appears - but so far every sentence follows exactly the same pattern as the one before it.
If you don't believe me, here's your opening paragraph: 12 declarative sentences all displaying an almost identical grammatical template.

Quote
1 The rain falls on the trees deep in the woods of the Pacific Northwest.

2 A family lives in the woods with a community of people.

3 The family thrives within the compound they have created.

4 The town is deeply secluded in the woods.

5 The rainforests in the northwest are extremely dense.

6 A person can only see a few feet in front of them when walking through the woods.

7 Trees tower above ferns, briar bushes, grass, and other fauna.

8 Modern society collapsed years ago.

9 Some people were forced into a new way of society and culture filled with technology beyond comprehension.

10 Others retreated to the woods to live off the grid.

11 These people only wish for a peaceful life where they can raise their families.

12 They want water to drink, food to eat, shelter, safety, and other people to bond with.

It's almost as if it was written by a robot. Did you try reading it out loud to hear how it sounds? Or maybe it's meant to be the text for a graphic novel - in which case it is simply unreadable without a picture to accompany each statement. But I don't believe that's the case here.

You may have an interesting tale to tell, but if it continues with the same monotonous pattern as your opening, it's unlikely anyone will continue reading to find out. On the strength of this excerpt, I'd guess you don't read much. My advice, read as many books as you can find to see how established writers tell a story. If you don't read, you cannot hope to succeed as a writer.
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