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21
Review My Work / Re: Abracabio! A Magical Journey to the Cell (excerpt from CB)
« Last post by c.e.abrams on April 10, 2021, 07:22:08 PM »
Quote
“It’s so magical!” Taylor exclaims. “Yay! We are now inside the cell! Let’s go meet some of my cell friends!”

Quote
“Everyone looks a little different on the outside, but when you look closer, we are all the same.”

Lines like these are too cheesy. Try using words and sentence structures that actual kids use. Other than that I think this is a successful piece. I'm sure I would have enjoyed this book as a little kid.
22
Review My Work / Re: My Demon
« Last post by c.e.abrams on April 10, 2021, 06:42:24 PM »
There's a lot of filtering right off the bat. Things like "All I can hear is..." really separate the reader from the narrator, which I think is counterproductive in this section at least.

The whole passage for me feels like there's no connection to the narrator.
23
Review My Work / Re: Into Ocean Waves Short Story (350 words)
« Last post by c.e.abrams on April 10, 2021, 06:10:12 PM »
This is really good. It looks like all I can really give for advice is maybe try to practice more word economy so the whole thing doesn't read as so bloated. There are some parts where it seems like you did this, but most of the story feels very overloaded. If that's what you were going for then disregard my advice.

But for example, I might tighten up this sentence:

Quote
It sets alight a flare of pain and the dull ache pulses from my brain to my head and the rest of my body until I’m a pathetic trembling wreck with tears flowing and snot streaming.

Into this:

It sets alight a flare of pain that pulses from my brain to my head and back until I’m a trembling wreck with tears and snot spewing out.


I'm not saying that's the better way to write it, but I just figured I'd give you an example of how I would tighten it up. Other than that your writing is very visceral and you're pretty good already.
24
Review My Work / The Bird Call, Chapter Outline (1,919 words)
« Last post by c.e.abrams on April 10, 2021, 05:55:59 PM »
Hey, guys. I'm looking for harsh and honest critique on story structure, characters, setting, and anything else before I actually get started writing this thing. I tried three other drafts without doing this part, so please help if you can.

Chapter 1 Savya's New Job

Savya's roommate wishes her luck on her first day of work and mentions asking about med catchers. Savya ignores the comment and is nervous to leave the lower levels. On the first ground floor of the Odicant's tower, Savya is given her assignment: janitorial duties on the five upper levels. On the top floor she is almost turned away by someone who sees her ID is from the lower levels, but her boss intervenes and shows her to her office. Savya sees a creepy mansion in the middle of the woods from an office window while she cleans. A stream of light trickles from the sky causing her to drop something and break a window. She is sent home early.


Chapter 2 The Prophecy

After picking up food for her mom at Lither-Cagni's shop and getting advice from him, Penel is approached by Teykah who believes Penel is the only one with the key to finding the sunken city. At first she doesn't believe him, but then she finds proof in her father's old study. In town she stops Teykah getting arrested and they flee to the forest together where they see a stream of light trickle from the sky over the trees. Teykah reveals something bad will happen unless they uncover the sunken city. She agrees to find it with him.


Chapter 3 Mirka's Missing

Bhinne returns to her wife's home in a dog-pulled taxi. She asks the driver why no one is outside in town but she just shrugs and leaves. Bhinne goes inside to find that Uncle passed away, Mirka is gone, and Kamroan ran out into the fog to find her. Bhinne goes to where they said Kamroan was going. She meets Goubrien and Zeud, the owners of the dock who also don't know what's going on. They direct Bhinne to a creepy old mansion in the woods that started spewing smoke just before the fog came into town. The person that owns it also owns the place where Mirka works. A beam of light trickles from the sky. Bhinne convinces them both to go with her to keep each other safe.


Chapter 4 Alizea

Savya complains to her roommate that she might lose her job but she really enjoys it so she hopes she doesnt. The roommate mentions again that Savya should get information on the company's med catchers. Back at work Savya asks about med catchers and is told to never ask questions like that and just stick to her job. She's told to work double hours for the week to pay for the window. Savya snoops while she cleans. She finds a cement core with an Old Wayan inscription. She discovers a locked room that seems to have information about the Odicant's medicinal businesses. She finds an emergency exit that opens to the sky. Her boss assigns her a supervisor android to make sure she stops wandering around while on the clock and says she needs great improvement or she'll receive a new job assignment. Savya's supervisor android is cold and creepy. She names her Alizea because the company acronym that made her is ALZ


Chapter 5 Lither-Cagni

Penel and Teykah go to Penel's father's study and find a powder her father was planning to sprinkle over the magic core in the middle of a lake. They see that Lither-Cagni knew a lot about the sunken city, so they visit him. Lither-Cagni wants nothing to do with Teykah and suggests Penel stay far away from him or she'll end up like her father. Penel takes it as a personal insult and she leaves with Teykah. Just outside of town they meet a welcoming church, Shepherd's Grove, willing to transport them to the next city.


Chapter 6 Broken Wrist

Bhinne, Zeud, and Goubrien break into the creepy mansion and finds Mirka dead with her stomach cut open. She panics loudly so Zeud and Goubrien calm her down. Mirka isn't really there. Alizea shows up and breaks Bhinne's wrist and throws her out the window. The other two jump out and they all run. Gramma Elsie yells that if they ever come back she'll let Alizea do worse to all of them. Zeud tries healing magic to heal Bhinne's wrist, but it only slightly dulls the pain.


Chapter 7 Medical Emergency

Savya's roommate has a medical emergency, but Savya knows if she's late to work she'll be fired, so she leaves her there and sends an alert to the local medical office. At work she ditches Alizea and gets into the locked room where finds out her roommate's parents were taken by med catchers and they were disposed of in the lowest level. She continues to work with Alizea but her boss seems to think Savya is acting strange. She tells her to clean a specific room in a certain amount of time and Savya does it. But while cleaning she accidentally hits a button that retracts the tower into the ground. She hits it again to undo it and pretends like she didn't notice when the boss comes back. Alizea tells on her anyway. Savya goes back home to find her roommate missing.


Chapter 8 Under the Lake

Penel and Teykah find the lake from their research. Using magic they separate the water together and walk to the center. Penel pulls out a core from the center of the lake and the ground slowly rises. A lawkeeper shouts from the side of the lake. They drop the water and Teykah is sucked through the hole where the core was. Penel magics her way out and evades the lawkeepers by escaping into the nearest hotel. Penel returns to the lake and finds a newly opened passage blocked by lawkeepers. She causes a scene to distract the lawkeepers and magics one unconscious in order to get into the passageway. Inside she finds a long ladder that leads to what seems like a sewer system that shifts around constantly. She loses hope when she finds Teykah's mangled body among the putrid sludge, but she quickly finds a hidden entrance to the Odicant's tower.


Chapter 9 Gramma Elsie's Shop

Bhinne breaks into Mirka's workplace with the help of Goubrien and Zeud. Inside they find evidence that suggests Gramma Elsie was planning for a while to kill Mirka but it's not clear why. They assume it's for evil magic. Something hints that they could find safety beyond the forbidden wall. They're caught inside by Gramma Elsie who kills Goubrien. Zeud and Bhinne escape and run into Kamroan who's frantically searching the dock for Mirka. Together they all go to the creepy mansion. They fight Alizea, but she breaks all of Zeud's limbs and Kamroan disappears into the mansion, so Bhinne continues deeper into the mansion alone. Bhinne navigates Gramma Elsie's shifting mansion until she finds Mirka alive on the other side of a glass wall too strong to break. Her belly is very big



Chapter 10 Savya's Final Straw

Savya returns to work intent on finding more info on the med catchers, and she doesn't care if Alizea sees anymore. She finds proof that med catchers collected a debt on her roommate and sent her to the lower levels. Alizea turns her in for spying. She's fired for and brought in for questioning. Savya refuses to speak to the Odicant so she's beaten and brought to the lower levels.


Chapter 11 The Tower Rises

Penel goes inside the Odicant's tower and hits a button to raise it up above ground. Lither-Cagni shows up, disappointed in Penel for not listening. They get lost together inside the newly rearranging tower. Penel and Lither-Cagni find the sunken city under the tower. Lither-Cagni explains that they only wanted to find the city for its riches and Teykah lied about the rest. There's no impending doom that needs to be stopped in the city as far as he knows. Inside they're ambushed. The Odicant orders them imprisoned in separate wings of the tower. Penel and the guard in charge of her don't even speak the same language.


Chapter 12 The Forbidden Wall

Bhinne and Mirka escape together, finding Kamroan on the way, and they all go over the forbidden wall where they find an abandoned tower. Inside everything looks rotten with decades of dust over it but theres a locked door that says it leads to hundreds of floors below. They're met by Alizea and Kamroan. Zeud can't move on his own so they left him at the mansion. Kamroan and Zeud explained the situation to Alizea and she decided to help them instead since her main directive is to protect Mirka. Mirka goes into labor. A flood of people rush out from the lower levels of the tower and take Mirka away before the baby is born. Bhinne loses them in the crowd and gets trampled. When everyone is gone the only one left with her is Alizea. Together they go to the mansion and Alizea leads the way through the secret entrance.



Chapter 13 To the Nets

Savya was sent to the lower level nets with her supervisor android. She finds her roommate in the nets. She tells her about her parents. The roommate can walk again. She says the med catchers didn't want to carry her so they fixed her hoping to put her next of kin in more debt after she goes missing. Savya gets Alizea out hoping she'll get them all out, but she just watches. Everyone else is pushed together into the furnace and it's closed over top of them.


Chapter 14 Escape the Tower

Penel breaks out and goes to Lither-Cagni in the lower levels. He's one of a few in a large net at the edge of a fiery pit. They find a heat damaged and rusty Alizea watching to make sure a colleague doesn't get free from the nets. They convince her to help them get out. Together they make their way out of the city just barely escaping notice. They try to lower the tower back down but it gets stuck part way down. It shatters something underneath. They're able to get out on the ground from one of the top 5 floors. Outside they're met by a group of lawkeepers. Alizea runs away. Lither-Cagni smashes them with a tree and they escape to head back home. The church from before gives them a ride back. The stream of light fades. Penel returns her father's things and keeps something of Teykah's in the study.


Chapter 15 The Baby

Bhinne and Alizea go inside the tower and meet The Odicant at the door. She shuts down Alizea and takes out her brain chip. The Odicant scolds Bhinne for using magic against other mages, but she can hear Mirka screaming in pain. Bhinne breaks out of her ties and fights the Odicant. She gets Alizea's brain back and together they get to Mirka just as the baby comes out. Alizea grabs the baby and runs, followed by a much slower angry crowd. Bhinne fights Gramma Elsie to get Mirka. Kamroan shows up and they defeat her together. Bhinne carries Mirka out and back home where her family takes care of her. She promises the baby will be safe and she'll be right back with her. Bhinne goes to Gramma Elsie's mansion where she finds Alizea with the baby. Bhinne and Alizea argue about where the baby belongs but Bhinne eventually convinces her that Mirka and Bhinne will be good parents. Bhinne takes her baby home.



25
The Gallery / From Heartsong's Poetry Diary
« Last post by JTetstone on April 09, 2021, 11:01:20 AM »
If you have never tasted
your own tears
you can not understand
the reasons that makes one
cry.

One cannot know
anything...
but the things
that affects ones
life...
all else would be
to live and dream
another's dream.

Experience is the wisest
teacher...
When one experiences
they alone endure the
good or bad experience,
they alone know the
feelings an experience
left them with.

Man is not a god
tho many would like all
to believe they are....

Follow the paths that
lay before you...
let others follow
their own.

The dreams of some
are the reality of others.

The value we place on
the lives of others
reflects in how we
choose to live our
own life.

11:39am April 6, 2021

26
The Coffee Shop / Re: Quotes that make you stop
« Last post by Noizchild on April 08, 2021, 11:03:06 PM »
"Janis in accounting don't give a f**k," --John Oliver
27
Welcome Board - START HERE! / Greetings
« Last post by Baphomet on April 08, 2021, 08:53:51 PM »
Hello all! I'm a writer (go figure) that's been writing for a hot second, and more recently been stuck in a fantasy epic series I've had a good feeling about since ~2016. I enjoy the standard nerdy things, like D&D (I'm a permanent DM for my group, sadly), as well as making fantasy maps and the like. I only recently started searching around for possible beta readers for the first book in my series, and maybe some assistance in trying to find a good Literary Agent, as I've had little luck in both departments. I'm also currently working on making my 1st book into an audiobook for Audible, but doing all that by myself is rather cumbersome; especially when trying to voice out certain characters (like those of the opposite sex). Thus, I'm struggling to find the motivation to read my own work aloud to myself and make everything audibly "pretty" so that the quality stands above the average audiobook. I've done the prologue for it if anyone cares to give that a listen in the future, though. So far, I've had nothing but positive feedback on everything, but there's always a critic hiding somewhere, lmao.

My main intent is the aforementioned, but I'm interested in seeing how the life of this forum rolls. Not entirely sure how active people are, but I'm hoping more active than some of the others I've seen. Looking forward to the interactions.  :D
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The Coffee Shop / Re: Quotes that make you stop
« Last post by JTetstone on April 08, 2021, 03:30:15 PM »
America’s demographics, by contrast, will remain strong, particularly if we continue to have healthy immigration. -James "Jamie" Dimon

The United States of American, is strong because Americans continue to have babies -to keep the American population higher than foreign born people coming in to the US.    -Jan Tetstone


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Writing Games & Challenges / Re: the last person to post here wins
« Last post by JTetstone on April 08, 2021, 03:20:07 PM »
 just passing through...... ;D
30
Writing Games & Challenges / Re: [New Game] Ollie's Favorite Character Game
« Last post by OndrejKudela on April 08, 2021, 02:53:02 PM »
In despair came across https://www.personalstatementwriter.com/ service, most talented writers work here. The customer support agent quickly reassured me that they could proofread my term paper and make necessary edits. And I received my paper reformatted and polished in just 24 hours!
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