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The Gallery / When Men Were Slaves
« Last post by NothingName1 on June 21, 2018, 06:00:18 PM »
I recall that its reality lived on, stubbornly, in its unflinching superficiality; and I, a disease, lived beside it. Imposing upon me in such a fashion, I needed constantly to justify my existence—an existence which I confess, had become obsolete. The game then, became one of: who is hoaxing the other? If I am to believe the mute abstractions of the monstrously cruel superstructure—for I can not help but be encoded by its money-logic. And finding myself on the poorer end, being always in want of money; I could not help but conclude this money business was a sham, and a conspiracy of the greatest magnitude.
   Firstly, I never agreed to the use of money, nor to be delimited by its fictions; and yet, like a brood-parasite it stole into me, and made itself at home. Perhaps, as a child I desired some toys, trinkets, sweets... I can't recall when, or what exactly, but the case being at some point the association of my desires with money was inseparably coupled. That is quite a harmless thing, you may think; but I put it to you most gravely, it is not. As at some point, we must all invariably make our means, and go out into the world, so to speak. And so, still a boy, I was put to work, as a clerk for a brokerage by the name of Stanfords. First hand, I experienced the grotesque wheedling of money, of such immense sums as to reduce Sardanapalus to a mere pauper by comparison. And yet everywhere there was poverty, men reduced to such squalor, directly or indirectly as result of the trading, hoarding, swindling, and price-gouging which was daily practiced at the Stanford House.
   Being a highly sensitive young man, I found it impossible not to draw certain connections. I saw every action whether, a trade, sale, or the hiring of men, was made under the expectation and compulsion of profit. Therefore, there was not a single action, or transaction which excluded this principle; I reasoned, that if these great powerhouses of business were indeed interested in money alone, they would have long ago accrued every cent in the realm; however, money was only a means, an extractive process. The question remains, if not money, then what exactly was being extracted? It is with a saddened heart, I report here, I believe it was the living essence of man, and a claim upon all that remains to him, who has been robbed of his land, his property and his sovereignty: his labour—to be squandered, and hoarded idly, as unproductively as the system will permit.
   Was the modern man then, not lower than a slave? Who, at the very least, possessed his labour with a certainty. Unlike the modern slave, who must compete to sell his labour, to a class of slave-holders, who, in overabundant supply; more often than not turned him away? Was not the modern slave then, being worked through by technology; his limbs amputated by machines, whilst what remains was cast aside, discarded, unceremoniously. A thing apart from man and nature, history, culture... a thing, sent back in time to the most wretched and primitive state of human existence.
   It is with regret, and deep shame, I saw the hypnotic power of money over man. That, regardless of the hundreds of years of technological advancements in all fields of production: robotics, agriculture, automation, distribution, logistics, e&c. In the undeserving and guilt-ridden mind of most slaves, they simply bore no relation to these things, as if were not a part of a shared human history. To the extent that slave-holders managed to conceal these advances, a strange fictional world, was born. Men lived in this unreality in a state of fear and madness. And there seemed to be no limit to how low the collective slaves could be reduced; nurtured into egoistic thought: they were raised, not to think—how does this benefit our society? But, how does this benefit me? And so, a very strange creature was born—an isolated slave-hermit, whose only permitted action, was to strive for his own advancement to the detriment of others. Taken as a whole, the system was decidedly, genocidal.
   To be sure, it was a very strange system. And it was not so much an economy, as a religion. It was only masquerading as an economy. In practice, it was a cult. A rigid social hierarchy, whose article of faith was science, whose fetishism was the commodity, and whose hagiographic imagery was stamped upon the circulation of its fraudulent money supply. The slaves continued to believe they were free; despite the fact, there had been no reduction in their work week in over two hundred and fifty years; and that poverty still stalked every section of society. Despite the fact, the slave-holder's government increased  the retirement to age 70, and reintroduced child-labour.
          One day, however, the slaves, lost faith—and then they started to believe.
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I'm sorry you didn't like my feedback. You asked what I thought and I told you. Perhaps in the future think about prefacing your work with a caveat that you only want positive feedback, not critique.

Also I think you will have a better time with this if you post your poems in the poetry section.

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Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: Hello~^^~
« Last post by heidi52 on June 21, 2018, 06:20:32 AM »
Welcome to the circle, Alex. Look forward to seeing you around the boards.
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I have to say it's an interesting take on the concept. I don't know if you are submitting it as a free form flow of thought, if so i say nothing needs to be changed. If as a traditional poetry then I'd say look into giving it more structure and filing for the reader to better understand and relate.

Thank you! I wanted form to be free as well since my theme is looking for freedom :)) Actually I find this kind of poems way more mysterious that’s why I used it.
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To answer your question, I didn't think much of your "biblical references". Are you considering "angels and angels" and "lord" to be biblical???

You wrote this in under 5 minutes and it shows.

Next time, spending a few more minutes to edit and improve your writing might be a good idea.

Posting a poem in the Review my Poetry thread would be another good idea.

I think it’s the most horrible feedback I have ever been given. Of course only  angel and angle or lord can’t be my biblical reference. I’m not that dumb. I used left becauss both christians jews and  muslims think it’s way of devil. It’s about one’s failure in choices due to evil. There are thousands of poets who wrote their poems in short period of time  without education but now we see them as leaders. So your reply was nothing but rude.
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Review My Work / Re: What is your Problem?
« Last post by heidi52 on June 20, 2018, 08:34:06 AM »
My problem is this reads like a badly punctuated text message.

You're talking not "your talking"

ellipses have rules...
follow the rules or don't use them  ;)
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Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: Return
« Last post by heidi52 on June 20, 2018, 08:26:15 AM »
Hi guys, glad you found your way back home.  ;)
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To answer your question, I didn't think much of your "biblical references". Are you considering "angels and angels" and "lord" to be biblical???

You wrote this in under 5 minutes and it shows.

Next time, spending a few more minutes to edit and improve your writing might be a good idea.

Posting a poem in the Review my Poetry thread would be another good idea.
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Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: Hello All
« Last post by heidi52 on June 20, 2018, 08:16:02 AM »
Hi Dallas! Welcome to the circle and congratulations on finishing your manuscript. Look forward to seeing you around the boards.
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Review My Work / Re: Review my short story "John's Angel"
« Last post by heidi52 on June 20, 2018, 08:10:18 AM »
I read through to the end, so that's a good thing.  ;) However, I think you need to do several things:

PLEASE put extra carriage returns in when you post your work. I know you had space between paragraphs when you wrote this in word or whatever, but the editor here eats those for breakfast, and what the poor reader sees is a wall of text with no breaks. Very hard on the eyes.

Please use some commas where needed to break up the sentences. Commas are your friends, even though they can be a little intimidating sometimes, lol. Your dialog punctuation needs a bit of work as well.

I realize this is a rough draft, but could really benefit with some hard pruning. You are trying to set a scene, but most of this is like wallpaper, kind of fills space without having any depth.

Dialog also needs work, for example “Great, I have two kids and I’m now married to Devon Andrews." Doesn't ring true. Is that really what someone would say to someone they hadn't seen for a long time? Especially someone they may be interested in? I could give some examples, but I'm sure you can come up with better yourself.

The other thing that doesn't ring true is the fact that she didn't recognize the name on the package she was delivering.

For this reader high school days are not that interesting and I know you are trying to show rather than tell, but I think you could condense this without losing much of anything. The joke was lame, of course, but I half expected it to be brought up again, like maybe she remembered it. Then it could have been a way to show how she was actually paying attention to him back then, though he didn't realize it.

If it doesn't serve a purpose in the story, I would axe it.

This may sound nit-picky and it probably is, but I hope it helps.

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