Recent Posts

Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 5 ... 10
11
I love that something so serious begins with something as absurd and funny as a holiday about roasting marshmallows.
12
Review My Work / Re: M is for Murder (chapter 1)
« Last post by Mattdp123 on October 17, 2020, 02:35:43 PM »
My criticisms:

"While the station was not a jaw-dropping, glorious building, they had solved many crimes, many of which were Felicity's doing." The last part of this sentence is a bit confusing. It makes it seem as though Felicity was committing the crimes instead of solving them.

 "'Hello, Felicity!' Felicity turned her head sharply at the sound of her name to see Brynlee waving at her." You might want to separate the dialogue and Felicity's response into 2 separate lines. As it is, it looks like Felicity is saying that to herself.

"Along with that, she had also applied a generous amount of dark red lipstick and the same amount of makeup around her eyes." Why refer to the specific type of makeup on her lips but to with a broad "makeup" for what's around her eyes?

"Unlike most of the other women in the building, Felicity's shoes" You're missing the rest of this sentence.

"There was also a spot of shaving cream on his face, just behind the jaw where he wouldn't be able to see without a spotter." It is absolutely possible to see that spot by simply moving his head. Also, he would be able to feel the cream, so it makes no sense for him to just leave it there.

"He turned his head to look back at her, who had shoved herself into a corner." This sentence has some redundancy and seems pretty clunky. Perhaps you could replace "look back at her" with just "look back" and "who had" with "seeing that she had."

Also, why is the corner she moves to referred to as a hiding spot? It's an elevator. There's nowhere to hide.

"She waved back without glancing at him and continued onto the Captain's office." Captain doesn't need to be capitalized here.

"Despite what many others thought, she was actually not all that cold and rude. Truth be told she would often put on that mask and wear it around comfortably, but she still didn’t exactly enjoy it. Over her years of working with the police, she had developed a mask that fit the task. People listened to her and asked for her to work with them (though not because she had a great personality, she could just solve the crime quickly). It was the attitude that was needed.to get the job done." This whole paragraph just isn't realistic. Why would she need to adopt a facade of rudeness to be a good detective? Being a friendly person and being a good detective are not mutually exclusive.

"She passed through the break room on her way to Arnold's office while the sun just starting to shine through the window, casting the whole room in a golden light. She turned a sharp right and was face to face with the Captain door." "the sun just" should be "the was just" and "Captain" should be "captain's" and doesn't need to be capitalized.

"She heard a shuffle and a squeak of a chair and then the door opened." "a squeak" should be "the squeak."

I hope at least some of these criticisms prove helpful.

Overall, this is a very strong start. It seems like your story has a lot of potential, with some interesting characters and dynamics between them.

Also, thank you for having the character be from Minnesota. As a born-and-raised Minnesotan, I appreciate having my state get a little recognition.
13
Welcome Board - START HERE! / Hello.
« Last post by Mattdp123 on October 17, 2020, 01:45:09 PM »
Hello. My name is Matt and I'm here hoping to get some critique on my writing, and read good writing from others. I'm a young adult who enjoys sci-fi fantasy, action and adventure, and comedy stories.
14
Review My Work / MFA Writing Sample--incomplete
« Last post by almabhere on October 16, 2020, 08:10:50 PM »
Hi Folks,

I am thinking of applying to MFA programs and want to be good enough for the best ones but I'm pretty sure my writing isn't there yet. I have been working on this for a little while. This is supposed to turn into a nonfiction book. I am having trouble with continuity and things fitting together.

Thanks so much,

Alma
15
The Gallery / Re: Homer Simpson would look like in real life.
« Last post by paulbanks on October 16, 2020, 11:01:43 AM »


Thank : Miguel Vasquez @Itsmiketheboxer

This post is quite old but this is absolutely horrifying. I won't be able to watch Simpsons again.
16
Writing Games & Challenges / Re: Miinivan Essay Contest
« Last post by Olivia12 on October 15, 2020, 04:07:08 AM »
I really liked your idea, so if you run any such contests, please keep me updated.
17
Self-Publishing Central / Re: Book Cover Software / Applications
« Last post by Nambypamby on October 14, 2020, 11:52:26 AM »
I completely resolved my question when I read this post, thanks to the author for the detailed description. I wrote my review on the https://essaysservicesreviews.com/, you can go in and read. Thank you very much for your attention in your time.
18
Review My Work / A Poisonous Dagger (working name prologue)
« Last post by PogLoser on October 14, 2020, 11:51:25 AM »
I'd like to know how to make this story readable and not dogshit so any criticism is accepted



Prologue
Nothingness clouded his every thought and his expressionless state bothered the already angry person in front of him, he heard nothing but white noise and he couldn’t repeat anything other than strange mumblings that could only be described as inhuman.
Everyone around was mumbling about these events.
“Hey, are you listening to me? I told you swords were way cooler than daggers you poppyhead, you didn’t need to start croaking.
An angry boy said, his face was red, and he was on the verge of tears.
Huh, sorry I couldn’t hear you over how wrong you…. As those words were coming out of Tim’s mouth he started to violently puke all around the beat down playground he was standing in, despite that this place was already on the verge of devastation so it didn’t make any difference if anyone puked, that would be in a perfect world, but this place was the gathering grounds of a gang called The Omegas who didn’t take kindly any modification to their established grounds.
“God Tim look at what you’ve done, this is at least 4 weeks of allowance gone thanks to you.” A redheaded boy said.
“Yeah, now my parents are going to have to go to the dark zone for at least 4 days.”
A thin boy angrily snorted.
“And all because of you.”
A fat kid punched the ground and wailed and screamed.
“Don’t worry, Toby is going to save us, he has always been willing to not do anything to us.” Tim optimistically said referring to one of the more powerful members of the organization, he was known for not damaging children and even help them if they were to get in trouble, for a strange type of fee.
“That’s because Tobias is a massive pedophile, you know, the dude likes smelling children’s feet for god’s sake.” A large boy, presumably in his teens clinically interjected with a smug smile on his face.
“You can’t say that they have the all-seeing eye of odhega, they have probably heard you right now.
Agitatedly the fat boy said, he was frantically shaking his arms and he looked as if he had seen a ghost.
The teen maniacally laughed, he pointed into a brutalist and colorless building.
“Yeah yeah whatever, years of their rule have affected you, kids. Understand that they will do nothing to you because if they did then….” He abruptly stopped as he fearfully looked at the man in front of him, he was tall, bulky, and paler than snow, he had no eyes which were replaced instead by a strange type of glass that was pitch black.
“Tob…. Tobias, what are you doing here?”  he stuttered.
“.... Did you just ask why I’m here after… Just… I’m here to kill you for slandering me.” Frowning Tobias sarcastically retorted to the teen with those harsh words.
“Slander? I merely said what was true you disgusting pig.” He spat in the floor.
This action made Tobias angry which forced him to move
“Me, a pig? You must be mistaking me with Adrien, he’s the one that lets his desires control him, I personally think that you should be glad that I’m here instead of him because I am a way better person than him if you think about it objectively, now if you’d just let me kill you then I will spare these children’s lives.”
As Tobias exclaimed out of nothing a flaming crimson ball appeared behind him, similar to a fireball, as the temperature around them rose up the frightened children started to run away, The despairing fat kid who couldn’t run long distances abruptly stopped and hid in a nearby dumpster, uncaring of the foul smell he got inside of it and tried to keep quiet.
The thin kid out of fear couldn’t even move his legs which made him recite a prayer.
The rest of the children scattered by the nearby woods, and while this was unfolding the teenager took something out from his pocket, he smiled as the small ancient device he held shined brightly. “Yeah about that, your big ball will do nothing against me for I have channeled the soul of an ancient spirit just to summon this powerful creature.” He exclaimed, as he said that an arm came out of the blinding light, it was bright green, it looked as if it was about to decay, it was massive, and with an eye in the middle of the palm, this monster was known as an incomplete orc.
“You brought such a low level fiend to combat me? Please you should have brought 10 of those to even stand a chance against me.” Tobias confidently said, afterwards 3 more balls which were of varying sizes appeared near him.
While all of this was happening, Tim ran through the crowded streets until he reached a small building which looked abandoned and bleak, although he was told to never enter abandoned buildings he thought of nothing about entering this unlit building.
The inside of the building was a ton of pillars which were already on the verge of destruction with carpets covering the window holes which were all empty or had broken windows in them, while exploring this building he heard something akin to someone moving nearby, he tried to ignore this but the dread he felt overwhelmed his sense of rationality, he was a child no less than 11 years after all it would be natural for him to feel like that.
The sound wasn’t stopping and it was getting louder, unable to take it any longer Tim took a turn to the left where there was nothing but a grey wall which was full of incoherent sentences and drawings of incomprehensible beings.
Tim presumably giving up on life fell to his knees and started to cry, while he was crying he ignored the person that had gotten close to him, his clothes looked rugged and dirty, despite that his skin looked flawless and clean, and despite him blending perfectly with the dark place they were in Tim could easily see him without a problem.
“Please don’t kill me” Tim said as he whimpered like a dog in the winter, he placed his hands near his vital parts and rolled up in a ball.
The man laughed at that statement.
“No I’m not going to kill you, I just heard somebody had entered my home and I wanted to see who it was.” He proclaimed in a familiar tone you heard when you talked to a friend.
Tim, easily swayed by his tone rose up, but although he tried to calm down he couldn’t shake the anxieties he was feeling.
“Sir this doesn’t look homely, how can you live here?” Tim asked trying to take his mind off the events he had just witnessed.
The man let out a small chuckle which sounded like if he had coughed
“I’m sorry that I don’t live in a mansion, some people can’t afford to even eat around here for god’s sake” Sarcastically he retorted Tim’s question which left him with a small sense of guilt that went away as soon as it came but that didn’t stop him from apologizing.
“It’s really not a big deal, I was actually trying to make you laugh, but I guess it wasn’t funny.” He apologetically said while trying to cheer him up.
“I forgot to ask, but… How and why did you get here, did your parents kick you out or something?” The man curiously asked Tim’s whereabouts.
He explained everything that had happened up until this day without skipping a detail.
“Those Omegas, huh? Will I be able to carry out my plan?” The man murmured to himself.


The building had gone silent, The man thinking about something occasionally grunted, while Tim watched him tough this cold atmosphere didn’t go away.
I didn’t want to say this but...” He gulped
“I think your friends might be….” He could not fathom to finish his words.
“Might be what?” Tim innocently asked the man.
“They… Probably… Died.” He choked as he was saying that.
Tim shocked by the news fell to his knees and started to cry.
“Don’t cry kid, you’ll be able to avenge them, I’ll make sure of that.” He smiled as he said that.
The man then went to the back of the monotonous building.
In there was a massive box colored red which had strange glyphs all over it, and it was enraptured with something resembling a lock which although ancient still looked like it could have come from the future.
The man opened the box and took out a dagger, its grip showed how old it was featuring carvings of strange creatures like snakes and the blade resembled a fang.
“You said that you liked daggers, so I will give this to you.” As he said that he gave the dagger to Tim who investigated it thoroughly, conflicted on if to accept it he gave the ancient dagger back to the man.
“Sorry sir I can’t do that because if I did then I’d be no better than them, not only that but I’d also desecrate my friends memories by using them as an excuse to enact my selfish desires upon those who have wronged me.” What Tim said impressed the man who broke into silence.
“You have such a way with words, huh? Let me reiterate.” He quickly regained his composure.
“What does reiterate mean?” Tim curiously asked.
“What I meant to say is that The Omegas are an evil organization which must be destroyed, not only have they killed your friends, but It’s likely that they’ll continue to kill more people, you have to understand that they need to be stopped at any cost, because that would be the correct thing to do, don’t think about it as a vengeance thing, but instead as a quest to get rid of evil! So I’m asking you once again will you take this dagger to vanquish them?” With fury in his eyes he exclaimed.
Moved by his words Tim accepted the proposal although with some doubts.
“But I don’t actually know how to properly use a dagger sir.” Tim sighed disappointed in himself.
“Neither do I.” He responded, Tim started to laugh, the man followed suit.
“Hey, what’s your name mister?” Tim curiously asked the man whose name he didn’t know.
“Oh yeah, my name is….”
Before he could hear anything, Tim woke up from this realistic nightmare.









19
Review My Poetry / Re: Prayer before bed What chapters need to be chanted?
« Last post by Vienna on October 14, 2020, 07:26:59 AM »
What has this to do with poetry??
20
Writers Wanted! / Free Example of APA Style in Criminal Justice Essay
« Last post by joannawebster on October 14, 2020, 06:03:20 AM »
Criminal Justice is a well-coordinated system of a number of institutions and practices, established by the government. The main purpose of the Criminal Justice is to maintain order in the society, to deter and mitigate crime, and its consequences, and to pose different kinds of penalties on people, who violate the laws of a country, or a state. The APA style was adopted and put into practice in 1929, when The Publication Manual was issued. The manual initially consisted of seven pages; it contained a set of rules and procedures to make the process of reading much easier (APA, 2009).Security Management is a rather broad notion, it is a field of management that deals with physical security, asset management, and safety functions of the human resource. It also deals with the classification of an organization information assets, the policies development, and documentation, implementation of, standard procedures, and guiding principles.

In the USA, the criminal justice policy in their work is coordinated by the President's Commission on Law Enforcement; the Administration of Justice controls the work of this policy department. In 1967 "The Challenge of Crime in a Free Society", a pioneering report was issued, it contained a number of recommendations, and suggested that approach towards the fighting and prevention of crimes should be comprehensive. The President's Commission on Law Enforcement suggested systematic approaches to criminal justice; it advocated a need to build a strong coordination between courts, law enforcement, and correctional institutions. The Commission gave a special definition of the criminal justice system, it stated that it is a way for the society to "enforce the standards of conduct necessary to protect individuals, and the community” (President's Commission, 1967). The APA style is used in many countries, in order to ease the process of reading by making it simple for communities and individuals to understand, and make positive decision, when it comes to matters concerning justice at all levels.

Source: https://essayswriters.com/essays/Analysis/apa-style-in-criminal-justice.html
Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 5 ... 10