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The Coffee Shop / Re: The MWC Bar/Red Barren Bar
« Last post by Noizchild on Yesterday at 10:13:31 PM »
Bones isn't real. They are in your head. *The men white coats sedate JTetstone with a double dose and take her away to the funny farm. This time, they locked up everything to keep her in*
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Review My Work / Re: Working Title ~1500 words. General fiction.
« Last post by Jung_Love on Yesterday at 04:27:33 PM »
I found this really easy to read, and the main character's situation was immediately relatable. I liked the repetition and flow, and could picture the scene vividly. I assume it's intended to be a bit of a slow burn. I must admit, I was hoping for some kind of escalation or surprise, even though there was conflict in his career and family situation. I was interested in where the characters go from here.

As others have mentioned, I think there's almost too many details where a hint would keep things moving along and build some intrigue.

Sweet Kate, twelve next month and already talking about boys. Smart as a whip. He just wished she would slow down for a little while longer.


I think that is almost enough to establish who she is, and how he feels about her.

When Caitlyn is introduced, I feel you could imply a potential tension between them. It seems like she is basically perfect, and he is lucky, but struggling to manage. How would that affect them as a couple? Or are things not what they first seem?

I realise James is in his head, but I wonder if it would be worth describing what he is doing as he waits and thinks - like posture, body language, or senses might convey his mood. What noises was the truck making as the engine cooled. What is his coping mechanism for the stress of making ends meet?

And a couple of nitpicks; I feel like the names get written rather a lot, when we can tell by context on a few occasions, and the word "mask" is used 3 times. Twice near the end. I feel like you could use a different word or expression.

While it's easy to sympathise with James, I think many readers would like to see a little more conflict, for example if he was ruminating on a specific conversation or action, or a major hook to end the scene, but there are many positives with what you have here. I guess I would recommend looking at which sentences stand out the most, and focus on those.
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Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: No pun intended
« Last post by Jung_Love on Yesterday at 02:33:45 PM »
Hi JTetstone, and thanks.
It's a long time since I've been on a message board. A really long time.
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Hi Nooglepop13,

I'm not an expert, but just wanted to add some observations. Overall, I think it has potential in the both the main character, and how she is introduced. You mentioned dialogue and over-writing and I think at times you're saying the same thing twice, or perhaps telling the reader too much.

putting on her best phone voice. She hated phone calls. She always spoke too soon or waited too long, causing the caller to enquire as to whether she was still there. Phone calls were an ordeal.

"She hated phone calls" and "Phone calls were an ordeal" serve the same purpose.

She always spoke too soon or waited too long
I know that feeling, but perhaps this could be better demonstrated through the dialogue?

The reader is being told what she doesn't like and why. I think one or other is probably enough.

“Listen, Tash, there’s been a murder and it’s some seriously weird shit. Like fucking quadratic equation shit. I thought it might be your deal."

"I thought it might be your deal" is the reason Hannah is calling, right? She wants to entice Tash. I think she doesn't need to say this unless Tash is hesitant or aggressive to the information. Is Hannah supposed to be hysterical or matter-of-fact about this news?
I feel a bit like the word 'murder' is just there to hook the reader. And then the conversation gets a bit awkward. Wouldn't Tash ask about police, or who the body is, or something?

“What do you mean by weird?”

“There’s a student been found dead…”


I understand Hannah is clarifying her first statement, but it's actually less exciting than the word "murder". Is this a typical situation that both characters would find themselves in? Is Hannah in shock or hysterical, or scared? I wonder if the second thing Hannah says should escalate from the first sentence?

“What do you think I can do about it?”

If Tash just wants to enjoy her high, and this is not her typical kind of conversation [about bodies] perhaps she would be more hesitant, or even try to end the conversation. Sometimes people can be contradictory - perhaps she's interested in the news but wants to say "no"?

“Why?” she asked, with confusion.

I think the reader would also wonder logically why the police hadn't been called, so I think 'with confusion' is unnecessary.

Her voice tripped on the world ‘police’, so it came out as ‘puliiishe’.

I think you could either omit "so it came out as 'puliiishe', or just write "puliiishe" in the dialogue.

"Are you fucking drunk mate?! I thought you didn’t drink!”

I think you could use one or other of these, but don't really need both.
Sometimes in dialogue there will be a complete misunderstanding between characters, when people make assumptions. I think there's potential for more miscommunication and hesitation in this conversation.

As already pointed out by PIJ1951, I found it confusing that the police hadn't somehow arrived by the time Tash got there. You could easily create a reason why, of course.

Relationships were not her strongest suit.
I think this is another example of where you summarise what you've just described. I don't know if that's an intentional part of how you write, though.
You could also think of another way to convey her relationship skills (or lack of) to the reader. For example, some aspect of the body/scene/conversation reminds her of an ex, or a crush, and therefore it's relevant to mention how she deals/dealt with that ex/crush?

Some other suggestions:
I wonder if you could also reveal the drug use and eating disorder more slowly and play with the reader's perception of the scene?
For example you could make it seem that Tash was just half asleep and midway through the conversation start to reveal the drugs she is taking/has taken.
When she buys the food, we think she is treating herself before we realise why she buys so much. I don't know how eating disorders work, but often people will lie to themselves about their other behaviour/coping mechanisms and conceal it from others. I think there might be a bit too much focus on substances and disorders here. It feels a bit like we're being given a little too much information about Tash, too soon.

In this sense, you could try to 'hide' this behaviour from the reader, as the character might.

I'm not sure what tone the "Sherlock Holmes" mention is supposed to convey to the reader. Bit odd but very clever. feels like a redundant sentence. For me, I thought the comparison is rather obvious - and I don't know if Hannah is poking fun at her, or impressed? I think as the comparison is so clear, it might be fun to play with that, and have Hannah name a different detective [Poirot, Columbo etc] that totally contrasts with Holmes? I suppose it depends what kind of character Hannah is, and their relationship, and the mood you want to convey. Just a suggestion. The other thing you could try is putting the F word in the middle of the name. Again, it depends on the attitude of Hannah, of course.

It might help to think about the motivations of Hannah and Tash in a future draft. I think there's definitely an interesting hook, though! Good luck.
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Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: No pun intended
« Last post by JTetstone on Yesterday at 12:39:46 PM »
Hello and welcome to MWC, James.
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Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: No pun intended
« Last post by Jung_Love on Yesterday at 11:55:53 AM »
Hi Olesia,

Yes, I saw the community rules. I'm sure reading work submitted on here and giving feedback will benefit my own process, also. I worked as a teacher, and went to art college, so I think I have a handle on giving feedback. I'll try and keep it constructive and clear. Thanks.
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Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: No pun intended
« Last post by Olesia on Yesterday at 06:31:34 AM »
Hi James,

Welcome to MWC, happy to have you aboard and looking forward to seeing your contribution to the community!

Thanks for sharing your story and interests with us. You'll find that there are plenty of members here to help you with your writing, as part of the rules of this community we ask that you first review and offer feedback on others work before asking for help, it's a give and take kind of lifestyle here :)

Thanks for joining!
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Review My Work / Re: Hunter, Chapter 1
« Last post by Olesia on Yesterday at 06:16:58 AM »
Hi eharries,

Welcome to My Writers Circle, we appreciate you sharing your work with us!

To make things more personal we would love to learn more about you, please post an intro on the Welcome Board. Let us know what part of the world you're in, how long you have been writing and how you found us.

Looking forward to learning more about you and seeing you as an active member within the community!
Olesia

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The Coffee Shop / Re: The MWC Bar/Red Barren Bar
« Last post by JTetstone on Yesterday at 05:11:57 AM »
Hands out, palms down
Go on and cuff  me :-\

It's a straight jacket for you
you goin to the funny farm

wait! Bones give these fine lookin fellows
a double shot of Lala... ;)

Thanks

throwin straight jacket on the bar

jt leans over the bar "Bones you might wanta call the funny farm, tell them to bring another straight jacket..."

Bang! Crash!

jt steps over the two white clothed figures

Bones, send the bill to the funny farm.. tell 'em
they sent these guys to the wrong
address 8)

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The Coffee Shop / Re: The MWC Bar/Red Barren Bar
« Last post by Vienna on Yesterday at 03:23:55 AM »
*Men in white coats sedate JTetestone and take them away to the funny farm*

at last, at last. Padded cell forever!
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