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Review My Work / 1st Chapter Mystery Novel
« Last post by RachelLouise on Today at 02:49:35 AM »
Hi, I'm looking help to review the first chapter of my novel, Rotten Seeds. I'm willing to swap first chapters (in any genre) if you're in the same situation. Here's a really quick summary of my story:

For twenty-seven years, Peter Robinson has refused to reveal why he killed one of his best friends when they were both teenagers. As he hires novelist Courtney Matthews to write his life story, it seems he is finally ready to talk. But Courtney soon realizes the demons from Peter’s past are alive and well, and they will stop at nothing to keep the truth buried.

If you're interested, please email me at rachel.lapicque@gmail.com
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Review My Work / Rift Warden (Urban Fantasy)
« Last post by jjones37r2c3 on April 18, 2021, 10:16:24 PM »
Hello everyone. This is a Prologue from a book I am in the process of writing.  As an aspiring writer, I would like your honest feedback. 

Prologue:

21 years ago….
   The street was silent but for the light patter of rain on the roof of the porch jutting out from the house under which Jax stood.  Man, I’m going to miss the seasons, he thought as he inhaled the sweet-smelling tobacco of the cigarette he couldn’t bring himself to quit.  When he thought of all the things to get addicted to in this world, he had to pick one of the unhealthiest habits possible.  Fortunately for him, his habit wouldn’t kill him because he was for all intents and purposes, immortal.  Sure, decapitation could kill him just as quick as the next guy, but thanks to the rapid healing of his kind, diseases and other minor injuries healed themselves in seconds; lung cancer included.  It was the possibility of his long existence ending tonight, that had his thoughts turning melancholy.
 
   He inhaled the last of his cigarette, and flicked the remains onto the porch steps, where the glowing embers burned out harmlessly on the evening breeze.  He slowly made his way down the cobblestones of the walkway running the length of the immaculate lawn, until he reached the street.  He took one last long look at the quiet house, and felt a profound emptiness steal over him as he thought of leaving the woman sleeping within.
 
   He knew what he had done went against every rule laid down by his immortal brethren, but he hadn’t been able to fight the irresistible pull that this human had on him.  Ellen was her name, and a more beautiful and alluring woman he hadn’t met in all his centuries on Earth.  All he wanted was a single moment of happiness in his years of brutal conflict and, he smiled to himself, he had found it.  Sure, he knew it was selfish, but after what he’d been through, he figured the universe owed him.  The punishment of his action, he knew, was death at the hand of the leader of the Wardens.  He had known even before he pursued the relationship, but the sense of peace that had filled his weary spirit after being with Ellen was worth death many times over.  After all, it’s not like he was a stranger to death, as he had died once long before when he first became a Warden. 

   As he quickly made his way down the street, trying to put some distance between himself and the house, he felt a ripple in the Rift.  The Rift, as it was called by all Other beings, was the interdimensional conduit separating the Twelve Realms from each other, created by the Diety Onos, and as a Rift Warden Jax was tasked with policing the conduit in this section of the world.

   Jax swore viscously as Akron, his leader and the first of their kind, stepped out of the opening in the Rift.  He hoped he may have had more time before his boss found out about his transgression, but it seemed Akron already knew what happened, judging by his worn out and haggard look.  Those haunted eyes, filled with a mix of anger and despair, burned a whole straight through him.

   “Jax my brother, what have you done?” Akron asked in his deep voice, reminding Jax of thunder as it rolled across the street.  It sent a shiver up Jax’s spine, making his hands tremble like a rookie facing his first battle.  This was after all, the First Warden and original bad-ass motherfucker who was created by Onos himself.  Absolutely no question, the most powerful being in all the Twelve Realms.
   
        With a nervous laugh, Jax looked up at the overcast sky that was still spitting down rain, and turned to his leader, mentor, and long-time friend. “I think it is obvious what I did, or you wouldn’t be here now.”
   
       “Why did you do it Jax?” Akron asked through clenched teeth. “Why did you endanger all of us by letting yourself get involved with a human? We lose enough brothers as it is to policing the Rift, without having to take the life of one of our own.”  His anger at Jax’s stupidity was almost enough to send him tearing across the street to remove the selfish Warden’s head from his shoulders.  There would be time for that soon enough, as Onos’ instructions to Akron in this matter were binding and non-negotiable.  He was trying to understand why Jax would do this to them, at a time when their numbers where already dangerously low.

   “Have you never felt empty? Just worn out and hollow from the centuries of blood, violence and war?” Jax asked desperately. “I just wanted a little peace in the midst of it all, something to fill that void, and I found it.  So do what you must.  I just ask that you do one thing for me.  Please leave the woman out of this, she knows nothing of us or who we are. She thinks I am in the military and had to ship off for another tour oversees.”

   “I will indeed spare the human, as it is not her sin to fall in love with one of us.  What I cannot do is allow you to live, my oath to Onos forbids it.  This is the life you agreed to Jax, the life you pledged yourself to when you took the Essence.  Do you not remember the oath you swore?  Do you not think that your fellow brothers and sisters haven’t felt loneliness? I have walked this earth for eons, as I was the first of us, created by Onos himself.  Do you think you are the only Warden who has questioned your duty?”  Akron reprimanded.  The truth was that no one had ever felt that emptiness throughout the years more profoundly than Akron himself. 

   As the very first of them, Akron had been fighting to protect the boarders of the Rift for as long as he had conscious memory.  The only thing that kept him sane was his brotherhood with his fellow Wardens.  Though now, in a single act of selfishness, Jax was forcing him to further reduce their numbers.  He ground his teeth together in frustration as he involuntary drew his blades from their sheaths on his back, Onos’s binding was slowly grinding away at his resistance, twisting his will to do what was required.

   In Onos’s infinite wisdom, he had given Wardens a small amount of control over the powers of creation, allowing them to manipulate those energies to ensure their presence stay hidden from humans.  As Akron drew his blades, he reached out to these energies and wrapped them around himself and Jax.  The coming battle would be intense and violent, and he would rather not be a blur on the cover of some spoof magazine talking about aliens and whatnot.  Oh, how he missed the days before cell phones. It seemed like every person had one now, and the threat to their discovery was a constant concern in each Warden’s mind.

   Jax drew his blades at the same moment, thinking it was pointless to draw against Akron, as no warrior or Other creature who passed between the Twelve Realms had crossed metal with him and lived to tell the tale.  He figured he would try and make it easier on his leader by fighting back. “I guess we should get to it then.  Don’t think I’ll make this easy for you, just because I know you don’t have a choice.”

   Akron let out an exasperated chuckle as he took up his combat stance across the street from his former brother-in-arms.  Jax had always been a cocky son-of-a-bitch and loved to run his mouth, even now, here at the end.  It was one of the many things he knew he would come to miss.

   Jax decided now was as good a time as any, somehow knowing he needed to make the first move.  Time slowed down to a crawl as he took one last deep breath, steeled his nerves, and put on a burst of speed, crossing the street in a blink.
 
   Akron saw the move take shape, telegraphed through his former pupil’s body, and was already moving before Jax had taken his first step.  The two Wardens met in a clash of blades, their battle adding its own thunderous music to the angry skies overhead.  The short, yet brutal exchanged lasted all of five heartbeats. 

   As the sounds of battle abruptly ceased, Jax’s swords slipped from his grasp, falling to the wet grass in a harmless clatter of metal.  He didn’t remain upright for long, as it seemed the ties to his body’s controls had been severed.  He hadn’t even seen or felt the killing stroke, thank Onos for small mercies.  He only had a brief moment of appreciation for just how skilled a warrior Akron was before he fell to the wet grass, like a marionet whose strings had been cut.

   As Akron slowly rose from where he had slid to a stop after the final blow, he took note of how utterly quiet the night had become.  It seemed as though the universe itself held its breath in disbelief at the grisly task that had just been completed.  The labored breathing of his dying brother who lay just a few feet away, was the only other sound on the night air.  He sheathed his swords and approached Jax’s side, his boots sinking into the sucking grass and mud, as it seemed the very earth itself wanted to hold Akron back from finishing the job.   

   “Wh-wh-what is going to happen to m-me now boss?” Jax questioned his leader as Akron squatted next to him.  He grabbed ahold of the strong hand that was offered, drawing what little comfort he could as his life’s blood slowly seeped out of him, mixing with the rain water in a hazy red swirl on the ground.  He noted briefly that the temperature had dropped drastically, and the blood in his lungs was making it increasingly hard to breath.  As his vision faded, and the world grew darker and colder, it seemed the icy bonds of death were embracing him at last.

   “Once your body dies, you will revert to back to Essence, and finally know eternal peace, my brother.” Akron offered in as comforting a voice as he possessed. 

   “Th-th-that sounds n-n-nice you know? I could do wi-wi-with a little peace and quiet.” Jax whispered softly, as he took his last rattling breath. 

   Akron wept as the Warden he had come to know and love, breathed his last.  He slowly pulled out the pendant he wore on a chain around his neck, removed the vial of Essence from within, and unscrewed the top.  He reverently held the vial open above Jax’s body and watched as the body reverted to the reddish mist that was Onos’ spirit, and flowed with a mind of its own into the vial in Akron’s hands. 

   He pulled himself to his feet, screwed the lid back on tight to the vial, and placed it safely back inside the pendant around his neck.  His curiosity then got the better of him, and he found himself headed to check on the woman Jax had sacrificed everything for.

   With a heavy heart, and bone-deep weariness, Akron walked slowly across the street to the cozy house in which Jax had spent many of his last hours.  As he peered into Ellen’s bedroom window, and saw the peaceful rising and falling of her chest as she dreamed, he recognized the appeal Jax must have felt.  There was something about this particular woman, a magnetism that pulled at his weary spirit, almost like a whisper in the wind, which promised peace if he were to only open himself to it.  After several moments, he was suddenly confident that Jax had indeed found the peace he had been seeking.
 
   He could see how Jax had fallen so hard and fast, and found that the sharp edges of his grief over taking the life of his brother-in-arms had dulled slightly with that knowledge.  With a force of will he dragged himself away from the window and walked down the cobblestone steps leading to the street, and headed toward the rip in the Rift he had come from.  It was time to put this night behind him, and get back to work.  He had to inform the other Wardens what had happened, and had to find a willing candidate to take Jax’s place.  His heart further sank as he thought of the endless task of protecting the humans, especially without the energy and spirit of Jax to keep him company.  He tried to shrug away the sadness, and focus on the grueling process of finding another candidate.  He feared it would take many years to find a soul that was deemed worthy enough to join their ranks. 

   If it wasn’t for these dark thoughts weighing heavily on his mind, distracting him as he stepped through the rift, he would have noticed the event taking place within the small bedroom of the unremarkable house.  He would have noticed the faint pulse of power as a small piece of Essence within Ellen’s womb, fused itself with the fast-multiplying cells of the small life taking shape there 



 







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All the Write Questions / Re: 20 Tips to Improve your Writing Productivity
« Last post by Thomas511 on April 17, 2021, 04:53:16 PM »
No doubt it is every difficult improve your writing productivity without knowing some important facts. These tips prove helpful to write multiple drafts and for dissertation writing help you can check this information.
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Review My Work / Re: Please, help put me through with this sample essay
« Last post by JTetstone on April 17, 2021, 04:29:40 PM »
. . .except, you didn't get an A for it. They did. Cheats never prosper.

PIJ1951, That's so true... Cheaters spend money and learn nothing....    jt
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Review My Work / Re: Please, help put me through with this sample essay
« Last post by alanvoo20 on April 17, 2021, 03:49:27 AM »
Hi readers! I have some good news for you! When your deadline is coming and you need to write some essays, you can use our super-professional online privatewriting.com writing company. It's really suitable when you can choose the appropriate topic for your assignment and get completed papers. So, click on this website and discover this info wright here!
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Oh no, this sounds like my novel, only without the romance. My coach kept saying, a lot going on, sounds like you get the same.  I would be happy to exchange readings, mine for yours. Mine in 73,000 words, and is written simply, so it's easy to understand. Let me know if you are interested. I forgot to say, I only want to know what page you get bored on, obviously hoping none.
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Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: Greetings
« Last post by opinionprojects on April 16, 2021, 11:49:02 AM »
Sounds like you got it goin' on. Active is a funny word, when you're in the middle of writing, it's real active. I'm new too, we'll have to see how this process goes.
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Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: Hello! Green writer here!!
« Last post by opinionprojects on April 16, 2021, 10:45:44 AM »
It's hard to exchange writing for smileys. I wrote a book a long time ago applying philosophies I was involved in at the time. I look at it now and see it never occurred to me that anyone would read it.  I think now it is good to try to write so people get it, even if it means simplifying the presentation, trying to use minimal sentences in a paragraph, and spend long time thinking about what is necessary, eliminating everything else. A different way to do it for sure. One other thing, everything  we write comes from a philosophy, it may be easier to write a drama using a philosophy without ever mentioning it.
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Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: New Member Here!
« Last post by opinionprojects on April 16, 2021, 10:36:04 AM »
I am two days past completing a manuscript, and it feels like finishing school or the void after working somewhere for a long time then quitting. It's a little bit slow here, I bind myself to find one person per day to email the pdf.  Anyway, like my coach said over an over, write at least 45 minutes per day, at the same time everyday, and keep going even if one day produces one page, and another ten. I suppose a week or two from now these lines will come across as unnecessary, but so it goes.
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Review My Work / Re: Chicken Fries (330 words)
« Last post by c.e.abrams on April 16, 2021, 10:19:29 AM »
UPDATE! 550 WORDS

Calinetta taped a bomb to the bottom of her desk when she went in for work one day. She acted normal for the first half of her shift, but on her lunch break she left the building, sat in her car in the parking lot while Eyes on Fire by Blue Foundation played, and hit the five-minute detonator.

Everyone inside just sat in their cubicles, most of them eating lunch, just as if everything were normal. Miserable as always and some of them couldn't even see it. Calinetta hoped they would all be happier soon.

Inside, Elika and Jannor sat in their cubicle across from Calinetta's now empty cubicle and ate chicken fries while they chatted.

"There were only two people in line when I left," Elika said.

"That's wild," Jannor said. "Usually there are so many people there. I wonder why they're so slow today."

Daula walked over to Jannor and Elika from her cubicle around the corner. "Can you two keep it down a bit?"

Elika went stone-faced and tossed another chicken fry in her mouth. She swallowed it whole.

"These are so stinking good," she said, making unblinking eye contact with Daula. "Anyone who doesn't like them can suck a queef."

Jannor guffawed. Daula scoffed.

"You two need to act your age." Daula looked around at Calinetta's cubicle. "And of course miss call-in-sick left for lunch again. We can expect she'll be gone for the rest of the day."

"She told us she swent out to get you and Lellis coffee," Elika said.

Daula's smug grin dropped to a grimace.

Eyes on fire. Your spine is ablaze.
Felling any foe with my gaze.


"No she didn't," Jannor said. "She left without saying anything."

"She left a note on her desk," Elika said. "Go look."

Jannor gave Elika a weird look.

Daula picked up a piece of paper on Calinetta's desk. "There's just a drawing of me with a giant forehead!" Daula practically shouted.

Jannor and Elika erupted in laughter. Half of their co-workers peaked over the walls of their cubicles. Daula stomped away, digging her heels into the carpet with each step.

Jannor ate a handful of chicken fries, also swallowing them whole. "I hate Daula," she said loud enough for Daula to hear.

Elika went over and grabbed the drawing from Calinetta's desk. "Did you draw that?" she asked.

Jannor shook her head. "I thought you--"

A loud beep drew everyone's attention to Calinetta's desk until it blood spurted out of each person's ears with a pain-laden scream. Elika screamed as loud as she could but she couldn't even hear it.

Her vision started to fog up. Jannor waved her hands in Elika's face and pointed to the door before her eyes burst. Then Elika's eyes did the same.

Eyes on Fire ended. The bomb went off and the building collapsed.

Calinetta drove down the road in silence. When she passed the first intersection, she closed her eyes and held her breath. She thought about the happiest place where all her co-workers adored her and showered her with praise.

A sharp impact launched her through the windshield and into the happiest place.

Emergency workers arrived hours later, but only Savya's mangled car was found. The report stated that her body was scavenged by wildlife and unrecoverable.
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