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My advice, for what it's worth - get rid of the opening scene setting. It's a delaying tactic which gives most readers an excuse to skip ahead to the interesting bits or simply find something else to read. We don't really care what the sun was doing or the dewfall. Cut to the chase and let's find out who your main character is and what she's doing.

H3K
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Review My Work / Re: First chapter of a book i've started. 2500 words
« Last post by Videdenom on Today at 01:20:44 AM »
The morning sun was beginning to peak out from behind the lake on the distant horizon, the heat began to burn off the dewfall from the night before. Creatures of the forest were beginning to stir as the light began to penetrate through the dense foliage. Birds chirped, squirrels began to scurry about the branches of the trees, and a pale, white haired girl sat up to start the day. She got up, brushed herself off, stood up, and began to walk through the woods.

You srs m8?
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The Gallery / The Dreams of a Waste Collector
« Last post by Videdenom on Yesterday at 10:54:48 PM »
   “Stink, Jones!”

   Sam unlocked the grated entrance of his tenement block to the child chorus of: “Stink, Jones,” and, “Pissed himself, Jones.” How he envied block 1AB, who had the keys, and access to the rear-garden.

   He slammed the grate closed—the usual suffocating air—a dark, formless array of shopping-trolleys, baskets and discarded bags. ABs suffer this mess? A familiar stench of rot, and the sound of darting rodents. He at once re-pictured his desires for a relocation.

   Work-boots crunched upon waste and dead material.

   “Sam?” Sounded a voice through a far letterbox, “Can you hear me.... Sam?”
“Yes... Susanne,” he replied, as distant fingers everted the box, searching for contact.
   
    Sam held her fingers, warmly.

   “Sam, they came today.”

   “That's okay,” said Sam, calmly. He smoothed the lines of his pants, and breathed deeply, collecting himself, “What did they come for?”

   “Tax. Electric. I couldn't pay.” Her voice breaking in heaps and starts, “They took little Marie, Sam, they said, I was a bad mother. Neglect.”

   “I'm sorry, Susanne. But, you and I both know that's not true,” Sam withdrew his hand. “You know that's not true. I helped her with her math; she was polite every time. And well dressed—you know that, Susanne.”

    The door's locks rattled instantly, by desperate fingers.

   For a moment, Sam stayed; yet, his nerves failed him. He darted up the cluttered stairs towards his apartment on 3C. He cried below, “The _____ online, said there will be a reprieve for those who work 70 hours a week! You work 70 hours, you qualify for new conditions!”

   And recalling she might not have electricity, he shouted below, “Check the papers!”

   Slam—Always an ordeal!

   He threw off his boots.

   All day, I must deal with others' trash, and when I finally get home—more waste, more trash, and more troubles. I would like to help her—I liked Marie, she was a good kid. It's a shame, but what can I do? I'm just a trash-man.
 
   She is knocking now.

   “ Susanne!” he cried, as he rushed to, and pushed himself against the door, “Listen! In god's name, check the regulations, research the law! Natural laws; they do not make errors. I wish you would apply yourself. I don't want to report you as a skiver, a parasite...”

   He looked through the eyepiece. She was still there.
   
   “What is it you do, Susanne? Nothing!” His voice cracking, “you're a parasite!”

        If she was skilled, she'd have supported little Marie. If only, she had something to offer! God, I wish people would leave me alone! I don't need anything—only food, and shelter, my pets; my guitar, and paints. God, I don't need anything.

         She's knocking again!

         I don't need anything.
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Writing Games & Challenges / Re: Word association un-un-plus
« Last post by fire-fly on Yesterday at 06:59:37 PM »
cheek

Try again. Can't have any letters from the previous word but has to be related  ;D
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Writing Games & Challenges / Re: Simple Word Game
« Last post by fire-fly on Yesterday at 06:45:55 PM »
curb
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Writing Games & Challenges / Re: Simple Word Game
« Last post by geethr75 on Yesterday at 01:40:13 PM »
Xanthic
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Writing Games & Challenges / Re: Word association un-un-plus
« Last post by geethr75 on Yesterday at 01:37:50 PM »
cheek
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Review My Work / Re: First chapter of a novel "Kate" - 1900 words
« Last post by hillwalker3000 on Yesterday at 12:55:53 PM »
Beginnings are important and this is demonstrated clearly in your opening. I read the first 163 words and was tempted to give up without venturing further. It's a ramble at best.

Your story starts here:

Quote
My name is Kate.

But then your narrative goes off the rails again shortly after. Why should we care about Kate's opinion on Christmas and religion? It's much too soon in the novel to dump this on the reader when they don't yet know anything else about your main character? Does it make me want to spend more time getting to know her on the basis of this rant? No.

There are also several grammatical slip ups that might prove too distracting for some readers to continue investing their time in your work.

It always wondered me makes no sense - I always wondered? that the people who are most offended by Christianity’s persisting persistent? influence on our contemporary culture are not people of other religions, but that extensive and ever growing group is this a fact? of Christians themselves who have already realized they are in fact atheists, but can still feel the burden of their traditional upbringing and rebel against it - although it would be utterly sufficient just to ignore it.

That's also a very long-winded sentence. Almost 70 words! Kate's still not growing on me, I'm afraid.

There are signs you can write well enough, but the lacklustre subject matter (based on the first few paragraphs - as far as I got) and your MC's rather self-obsessed behaviour make the thought of an entire novel filled with her reflections and experiences too much for me to stomach.


As I said earlier, beginnings are important. If you don't hook the reader on page 1 the chances are they'll put the book back on the shelf and find something else more rewarding to read.

Just one opinion - use or lose.

H3K
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Review My Work / Re: First chapter of a novel "Kate" - 1900 words
« Last post by Thair on Yesterday at 11:42:27 AM »
The beginning needs to be worked on. Up until “My name is Kate.” I wasn't sure if you were talking or Kate. I had to read the entire story to understand that the story had begun right away.

All after, My name is Kate, made sense. The dialogue need works and using quotation marks instead of dashes is best.
Elaborating more on Kate's routine life sooner allows me to get to know Kate.

You simply shared, in fact, I was continuous thinking about my son and my husband, who could of course taken care of themselves with mummy out, but would be better off (I had no doubt) with me serving dinner and putting Joel to bed.”
It's not enough. Since Kate is the main character, work on developing her as a real person.

If Kate's character was developed it would be natural for me to know how a certain situation made her feel. Developing her character would eliminate your need to explain what should come natural to a reader.

Thanks for sharing.

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Review My Work / Re: First chapter of a book i've started. 2500 words
« Last post by Thair on Yesterday at 10:44:17 AM »
Instead of critiquing right away, I read it through. I like what you have here. It would serve you best to get an editor after you’ve worked on this a bit. For now, work on eliminating to use of the passive voice. Keep writing!
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