Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Messages - matty11

Pages: 1 ... 31 32 33 [34]
496
Review My Poetry / Re: Cognac
« on: December 19, 2013, 02:48:43 AM »
Quote
We could try a blade
and slice it with a knife, shave flakes
off countries and relocate them,
redistribute wealth and set the world to rights,
sliver by sliver and sip by sip
heading for utopia and a hangover

I like the notion of that, the fantasy/reality mix, and feel the poem would end stronger there.

cheers

Matt

497
Review My Poetry / Re: Soap
« on: December 19, 2013, 02:34:55 AM »
Quote
diabetic daughter uses one bottle
of dishwasher detergent to wash

The cluster of alliteration is drawing attention to itself and distracting from the content. If the 'diabetic' adjective is necessary, then thread into the poem elsewhere for a more subtle soundscape.

Love the tone of the opening preamble.

Matt

498
Review My Poetry / Re: Like Suicide, With Ropes
« on: August 30, 2013, 05:52:52 PM »
I like reading the sounds, similar pleasure from reading Hopkins. Absorbed into sleep/dream reality is enough of a theme in my view.

cheers

matty

499
Review My Poetry / Re: poetry {nightmare}
« on: August 18, 2013, 10:07:51 AM »

                             Nightmare

Sullen skies are made darker by black smoke.
Across the land fires burn straight from hell.
The slaughter of the innocents has begun.

Cattle wide eyed bellow in terror,
an inner sense warns of holocaust.
With nowhere to hide none will be spared,
from near and far the butchers have gathered.

Metal spikes poke from gun barrels
waiting to bite deep into tissue,
a darkness greater than the black
cloying smoke that blots out the sun.

Their crime? Nothing more than falling victim
to evil creeping unseen across the land,
crossing boundaries, infecting  and possessing.

The smoke reminds mankind of a time
when their own kind were herded
in death camps, bodies piled high,
so much rubbish to be incinerated.

All around black ash fell from the sky
and music played.



I feel the brutality will be conveyed in more truncated sentences/format.

cheers

matt

500
Review My Poetry / Re: Ring Around The Rosey
« on: August 18, 2013, 09:50:39 AM »
Quote
Confessions sound like flowers,
last night, I told him with two lips

The poem is not really progressing beyond the sound play.

501
Review My Poetry / Re: Julia (325 words)
« on: August 15, 2013, 02:21:35 AM »
Quote
My empty space is named Julia
but sometimes I call it grief

There is an impact in that opening. The use of all the 'or' afterwards dilutes that impact.

I found the sin/skin/grin rhyme forced. Relative to that, I prefer the simplicity of:

Quote
gone is your sin
and gone is the skin that used to hold you

I wish that I could still hold you

cheers

Matt

502
Review My Poetry / Re: Breaker
« on: August 10, 2013, 02:51:35 PM »
Quote
1) Replace 'Rumble'.
2) Insert a stanza - or two - at the top to set the scene
3) Make the sea more obvious - perhaps change the title to accomplish this.

Agreed, but I don't think you want to tell too much in the title or set the scene to the extent that the poem loses its 'sexual' energy.

Matt

503
Review My Poetry / Re: Asleep at the End of the World - a villanelle
« on: August 05, 2013, 03:24:23 PM »
cold/gold, day/say, dawn/drawn - it may be a thought to thread rather than cluster such sound plays

use the assonance to create an underlying soundscape cold/fold , day/decay, lie/sky

cheers

matt

504
Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: hi all
« on: August 01, 2013, 05:13:06 PM »
Cheers both.

all the best

Matt

505
Welcome Board - START HERE! / hi all
« on: August 01, 2013, 11:51:29 AM »
hi
   I've joined the forum to read poems and post some of my own. Looks a busy place, which is nice to see.

all the best

matt

Pages: 1 ... 31 32 33 [34]