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Messages - matty11

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46
Review My Poetry / Re: The Bald Man
« on: November 28, 2017, 11:44:30 AM »
Thanks Mark. I have shuffled per your suggestion to tone down the chime effect.

best

matty

47
Review My Poetry / Re: trapeze artist
« on: November 27, 2017, 10:27:51 PM »
hi Dave,
           I thought the revision was more effective too.

Quote
vast oceans
and prairies of the imagination

Perhaps more could be done there - the seascape/landscape terms already key into vast.

I'd keep the 'In truth' emphasis.

best

matty

48
Review My Poetry / Re: Betrayal
« on: November 27, 2017, 10:02:10 PM »
Not sure you need S2 Mark or perhaps you could incorporate elements in S1. In terms of focus, I particularly enjoyed every pore slammed shut .

best

matty

49
Review My Poetry / The Bald Man
« on: November 27, 2017, 09:47:51 PM »
.

50
Review My Poetry / Re: My Poem
« on: May 19, 2017, 11:15:13 PM »
Quote
a boy stares at a tattoo of your initials on his wrist
they cover his own scars

these two lines provide an excellent image to build a poem around so long as youo don't attempt to 'explain' the lines but shape images and emotions around.

Totally agree with dave.

51
Review My Poetry / Re: I am truth
« on: March 11, 2017, 05:41:55 PM »
Quote
and a bye-bye drive-by is someone who shows up and drops one poem, then disappears again.   

There does seem a lot of that on MWC. Elsewhere at least three crits or more have to be made before posting a poem!

52
Review My Poetry / Re: Herd
« on: March 10, 2017, 04:19:24 PM »
This is good. And quirky-cool, if such a thing is possible. Nicely imaginative, pulling in the Serengeti to suburban wherever, apparently just on the whimsical nature of a zebra crossing. Enjoyed the well-crafted read. Two things for me, who or what is your MC? I can't tell from the clues -is it a domestic cat perhaps? And the other is just a technicality:

She counts the cracks in tarmac, ( I guess it's not a cat then)

just to do away with the silly ambiguity that tarmac is a language or number system

>>> She counts cracks in the tarmac,

same words and count. 

Thanks Mark. I have edited to your suggestion.

all the best

matty

53
Review My Poetry / Re: Herd
« on: March 10, 2017, 04:17:37 PM »
This poem certainly gives its readers a new perspective.  Love the vision and images.

Not sure of compass as verb [yes, compass not canvass].

S.3 L.1 - begin > begins ?

I agree with Mark about the quality of the crafting.  The sounds and internal rhythms are very pleasant experiences.  

T

Thanks Tom. Always fail on that grammatical point. The use of compass is intentional.

best

matty

54
Review My Poetry / Re: Herd
« on: March 10, 2017, 04:15:06 PM »
A lot of great stuff in there.  I'd look for places to pare away any language that feels a bit too contemporary.  Words like 'compass' and 'zig-zag' pulled me out of that dreamy fade into the savannah imagery you're going for.  Overall, I liked it quite a bit.

Thanks mc. Interesting your reading of the poem...there is an intended pull in the poem...away from the herd...of course, the pull into the herd is also in there.

all the best

matty

55
Review My Poetry / Re: I need to be psychotic to write this
« on: March 10, 2017, 02:59:38 AM »
hi Tom,
            The edit to opposite makes sense. Overall, the poem felt more melancholic than psychotic in the edit. Perhaps the longer lines do that or the cutting of that opening 'glitz'.

Either way enjoyed.

best

matty

56
Review My Poetry / Herd
« on: March 09, 2017, 04:09:46 AM »

.

57
Review My Poetry / Re: Pause
« on: March 09, 2017, 04:04:34 AM »
Dense, colourful, and thought-provoking Mark.

Quote
In rainy sunshine draped with creation,
reflections ripple inside the knotted grain

To thread to reflections, and to the sonics of rainy/grain/chains?


Quote
God
wanders through cardboard stage-props
taking names

Love the notion.

best

matty


58
Review My Poetry / Re: Oscar Wilde was right
« on: March 09, 2017, 03:51:22 AM »
Neatly done Dave. shifting sands may be option to mere sand for cliche effect.

A poem that may interest...

http://www.poetryarchive.org/poem/my-darling-my-cliche

best

matty

59
Review My Poetry / Re: Family Man (revised)
« on: January 07, 2017, 02:35:32 AM »
Thanks Tom, Mark, Space. Most encouraging. I felt the last line was cliche so I edited. Never heard of the album, but I'll check it out later.

all the best

matty

60
Review My Poetry / Re: No Rest for the Wicked
« on: January 05, 2017, 03:12:09 PM »
hi Space,

You have the raw material. One option in poetry is to condense. Too much 'I' will dilute the impact, distance the reader; conjunctions will stretch and weaken voice; the grins/smiles are familiar to cinema, but poetry bins the familiar. Don't give up. Sweat on the words...channel the anger...enjoy :)


Suggestions...

Quote
Stay quiet in the bible black predawn,
walk along alleyways with winter
flowing through veins; gunpowder
residue on teeth.

There are no consequences when you remember nothing
but a name that no longer fits
inside skin.
I am too small to be known by God.

The wannabe bounty hunters will come
with guns and twitching fingers.
They cannot hurt me.

Pin regrets to my brow?
Mourn for the world, for my sins, when I cannot remember?
I know no other way.

all the best

matty

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