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Messages - matty11

Pages: 1 2 [3] 4 5 6 ... 34
31
Review My Poetry / Ignored (revision2)
« on: December 09, 2017, 06:44:27 AM »
.

32
Review My Poetry / Re: Amelia
« on: December 09, 2017, 06:04:07 AM »
Quote
sails sense the humming of the wind

I think that is a beautiful thought Dave. Also liked the use of 'broad mouth'.

all the best

matty

33
Review My Poetry / Re: Malibu is Burning
« on: December 08, 2017, 09:27:08 PM »
Quote
lizards crack
peel open
unnoticed in the ash

the stand-out image for me

34
Review My Poetry / Re: Flux
« on: December 08, 2017, 09:46:54 AM »
Hi Mark,
         Echo the sentiments of the others - I know that border between destructive/creative. Especially liked elements in the concluding stanza: the tarot eyes; cold star inhales.

Quote
I chose a forest road to escape
black-frost lakes, rusted locks
and petals Id pressed in haste. 

Maybe an option to water down the chimes.

Quote
Her webbed house stands askew
with neglect and derelict light
lonely in threads of poverty.

An option to shuffle the modifiers?

best

matty

35
Review My Poetry / Re: Torc (revision2)
« on: December 04, 2017, 04:28:55 PM »
Thanks for taking another look Dave. And thanks Mark for nudging me towards those lines. Probably tweaked enough for now.

best

matty

36
Review My Poetry / Re: Greenstick
« on: December 03, 2017, 10:51:59 PM »
hi Sharon

The spine of negatives both reinforce the moving on theme and linger the opposite. The snap in  linebreaks were effective in voicing the former as were the short sentences. Particularly liked the use of alumnus. My experience of healing in bones is that the ghost of pain will linger, but then that is me :)

best

matty

37
Review My Poetry / Re: Torc
« on: December 03, 2017, 10:28:42 PM »
Thanks Dave, Indar, and Sharon for taking a look.

Quote
Those scrolls within her mind - I'd crackle black

Burn.

Quote
Those puddled eyes of mud, like a bracelet
around the mound, hook a muddled mind.

There are puddles of mud around the mound. These look like a bracelet around the mound. They attract her attention and spark a thread of thought in her mind. Her mind is muddled.

The puddles of mud remind N. of his wife's eyes - the mind behind those eyes. They're as clear as mud :)

In general, this is a love poem. N. cannot bring reality to his wife. He can only play along with her delusions and obsessions.

Again thank you all for taking time to read.

best

matty

38
Review My Poetry / Re: The Church, Marv Davidov and Art
« on: December 03, 2017, 01:54:20 AM »
hi Tom

I can't say I'm keying into the contexts to find meaning here. I googled the activist, but is there a related artwork? Either way the surface had me reading: the thread of brush/rush/bushes; that mix of oscillating textures; the closing simile of insecure god. Maybe the rhyme cluster of hot/lot/shot could be watered down?

best

matty



The Church, Marv Davidov
and Art

Deified by dynamic brush strokes,
a wide color palette undergirding
oscillating textures, laws will
loosen their stricture.

The add-ons are low-key:
a tent in a tarmac parking lot,
voter registration, a flu-shot
and a hot meal.  No questions. 

We pray later, he says, if thats
what we want, but dont expect
to understand and even so,
we still need to stand together.

If we stack the boxes,
or ladle gravy, or keep safe
for ourselves only two sweaters
the bushes may catch fire.

Dazzling, the rush
paint across the canvas,
words through the megaphone,
the swirling licks leaping
like wildfire, encircling
like the arms of a sculptor
around a needy planet.

Like the arms of an
insecure god.

39
Review My Poetry / Re: L.A. Alchemy
« on: December 03, 2017, 01:35:33 AM »
hi Indar

I liked the rotten mushrooms and the De Mille reference (perhaps an option to use the word film rather than story in the concluding line and stole rather than borrowed?)

best

matty


40
Review My Poetry / Torc (revision2)
« on: December 01, 2017, 10:23:08 PM »
.

41
Review My Poetry / Re: The American Dream
« on: December 01, 2017, 10:20:03 PM »
hi Dave,
            Especially like the weave of landscape against the human delusions of divine planning. The historical/biblical/spiritual v modernity were also effective. Indeed persecution seeds/roots dreams.

Quote
Despite the horizon, the wide
wide open sky crams
little bays of crystalline water.

just a thought,

best

matty


42
Review My Poetry / Re: The Bald Man
« on: November 30, 2017, 01:51:44 PM »
Thanks for taking another look Mark, Indar for your perceptive read, Dave and Tom for your encouragement, and Drab for the grin.

all the best

matty

43
Review My Poetry / Re: Goat Fall
« on: November 29, 2017, 05:02:53 PM »
Hi Tom,
          This write is totally readable. Very much lookforward to the re-write.

best

matty

44
Review My Poetry / Re: Be Golden [revision]
« on: November 29, 2017, 02:18:44 PM »
Hi Tom,
         Sparse and effective, the structure of repetitions reinforced the progression from maybe to no way. I did feel the enjambment of couplets 2-4 was not evident in S1...

Quote
Maybe honey drips
and spreads across the floor.

A thought to slow the expression down, define the time lapse of drips/spreads.

best

matty

45
Review My Poetry / Re: Lily (rewrite)
« on: November 29, 2017, 02:03:32 PM »
Hi Indar,
           Particularly enjoyed the opening elements: the presence of the woman, her physicality, her voice. I've suggested s few tweaks. Hope they help some.

all the best

matty


Lily
 
The second or third day of rain
my mother-in-law might
take down that guitar
in her big factory hands,

settle on haunches
which claimed
a whole chair and more, strum
turn pegs and strum:
in a 2-packs-a-day voice
sing the sad backwoods
words she learned from the radio -

Can I sleep in Your Barn
Tonight Mister?; Old Shep;
Knoxville Girl
. It's not
the songs that tighten
my throat, remembering,
but my disregard for the singer.

Always, there's the guilt of
the living and the unchangeing look
in her eyes like an old photo
stuck on the wall
that no amount of regret
can turn away.

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