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Messages - matty11

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16
Review My Poetry / Re: Jury Duty
« on: December 20, 2017, 06:41:57 AM »
Hi Indar,
           I think the opening lines sets up an expectation of rhyme, which a chunk of the poem doesn't deliver. The skinny format and rhyme sing for the flight of fancy, though I feel that crazy party  could be made more surreal - I liked the fun of the gibbons! The conclusion grounds the poem.

best

matty

17
Review My Poetry / Re: That sound across the estuary (revised)
« on: December 19, 2017, 05:14:50 PM »
Quote
"lip" is such a short intense sound perhaps "beach" holds its own against it better.---just a thought.

Interesting point Indar. Tempted, though I don't want a 'holiday' beach to picture in the reader's mind. I've gone for some alliteration to extend the effect.

best

matty

18
Review My Poetry / Re: That sound across the estuary (revised)
« on: December 19, 2017, 05:10:26 PM »
Quote
Now that I know what a curlew is, the poem makes sense. It makes even more sense knowing that it is - in part - a response to Yeats' poem Hanrahan reproves the Curlew.

I think it wouldn't hurt to mention that in a preface before the title.
"a response Hanrahan reproves the Curlew by W.B. Yeats."

Thanks Dansinger. It is an idea, but perhaps the framing is too removed for most readers. I've decided to disconnect that thread.

best

Matty

19
Review My Poetry / Re: That sound across the estuary
« on: December 19, 2017, 06:17:19 AM »
Thank you Dave and Sharon. I must admit some of the choices were because of sound: I like the spine of that; and the way 'here' stops the line. A personal preference I know.

The latter part of the write is a response to Yeats:

http://www.bartleby.com/146/16.html

best

matty

20
Review My Poetry / Re: Sandy Hook
« on: December 19, 2017, 01:55:50 AM »
Quote
seems a bit truncated but perhaps something else might float in

I agree. I thought of spacing, but I don't think that is a solution. Perhaps an expansion along the lines of how news is presented - 'professionally' - in contrast to the personal circumstance.

Quote
This evening news marked five years.
The newsreader was silver-haired and did not pause.

Not an actual suggestion, but perhaps a possible direction.

best

matty




21
Review My Poetry / Re: Sandy Hook
« on: December 18, 2017, 04:56:08 PM »
Hi Indar,
          I thought the sanity through routine and the tenderness felt authentic. The understatement emphasizes the emotion not far from the surface.

Quote
This evening news marked five years

An option could be to end with that flat statement because the poem relates the 'surviving' and conveys the frailty.

best

matty

22
Review My Poetry / Re: How to Manipulate Time
« on: December 18, 2017, 04:06:31 AM »
Quote
I need to put it in the corner for time out for now until it figures out who it wants to be

Hopefully, you haven't given up on the aesthetic of the original. The revised version is a familiar template - clipped and terse - and has merits. Workshop feedback often defaults to another writer's 'template'. Personally, I like your thought - take the pulse of the poem itself!

best

matty

23
Review My Poetry / That sound across the estuary (revised)
« on: December 17, 2017, 01:10:42 AM »
.

24
Review My Poetry / Re: refound
« on: December 17, 2017, 01:08:07 AM »
I like to add to the applause here Dave. I didn't know where the poem was going and enjoyed the surprises. It all connects. Like that soundscape...polish/dish/brush/crash/wash...detrius/furious...the use of the hard 'c'...poem feels grounded. The use of the colon, ellipsis and the one word 'Grass' was skilfully done.

One possible nit: 'soil and dirt' and 'I gather the dirt in a newspaper'. If there is a distinction, soil/dirt, then should it be 'I gather the soil and dirt'?

best

matty

25
Review My Poetry / Re: The shortcut
« on: December 15, 2017, 04:43:27 PM »
Hi Drab

Evocative, resonant piece, with a definite chill. Like the rural setting, those pretty cottages such a contrast to the grim ending. Good suggestion by Mark for a clipped ending by the way.

Best

Matty

26
Review My Poetry / Re: Torc (revision2)
« on: December 13, 2017, 11:15:45 PM »
Thank you Sharon, Tom and Mark for taking another look and encouragement. Still needs tweaking, but these things take time.

best

matty

27
Review My Poetry / Re: Original revision
« on: December 13, 2017, 11:09:17 PM »
hi Mark

There is a strength conveyed in this poem - I stop, I hunker, I absorb, I stand help convey that - and this makes the felt loss that more palpable. In particular the interaction with nature - brings the reader into the inner landscape, the turmoil and survival there.

best

matty




28
Review My Poetry / Re: Ignored (revision2)
« on: December 11, 2017, 03:58:01 PM »
Quote
I want to ask why the nouns "sheep" and "birds" weren't used in the first place. I understand poetry is best when it is ambiguous but not intentionally opaque for the sake of seeming poetic.

Thanks Indar. I suspect my primary motivation was the sound of gate/grazer; my secondary was to thread those who eat grass and those that eat those who eat grass! A primal thread.

Of course neither poetic nor prosaic are wanted. The ambition to freshen the familiar can result in poetic and obscure, but not to risk being inventive can result in prosaic. I roll dice.

sheep/birds may survive, though I prefer the specific rather than the generic - the birds I saw were Dippers, the sheep were Torddu.

all the best

matty

29
Review My Poetry / Re: How to Manipulate Time
« on: December 11, 2017, 02:40:37 PM »
hi Sharon

I like a conversational, casual approach in the voice of a poem. I hope the friend, rather than a reader, remains after the revision. The format felt right in that context. I do like the sound of 'labrador', but the short version is right for your intention...perhaps you could mention their soft, floppy ears  :) Anyway there's connection here - the tangible - and I love the smile to an empty room.

best

matty

30
Review My Poetry / Re: Ignored (revision2)
« on: December 11, 2017, 02:09:37 PM »
Thanks Sharon and Mark. Lovely little nudges to be more explicit. I've attempted to address some of your concerns.

appreciated

matty

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