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Messages - Mark T

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46
Review My Poetry / Re: Flux
« on: December 08, 2017, 06:42:52 PM »

Thanks for comments, dave, matty and linda.

47
Review My Poetry / Re: First timer! Please critique!
« on: December 08, 2017, 03:21:17 AM »
This is the poem, imho. Lots of potential in your writing.


What of these wolves?

Wildfire of the mind, burning
through landscape after landscape,
leaving nothing but a transient edge,
to which you endlessly cling.
   Calluses form in holding on,
imagine what lies within    letting go.


48
Review My Poetry / Re: Malibu is Burning
« on: December 07, 2017, 01:56:08 PM »

It's good to stretch styles, isn't it? This reads quite staccato-punchy and it's not easy to climb aboard for the flicker-ride. But I think it serves to illustrate the runaway nature of the blazes. Can also work as metaphor for something larger, a societal ill perhaps. The middle section is agreeably full of sound and movement. The ending is very tight and has me floundering a little. As an exercise in short-jab impact, it works well.   

49
Review My Poetry / Re: Flux
« on: December 06, 2017, 06:51:02 PM »

Thanks for reading and kind comments, Sharon, drab and Linda. Only a few tweaks to the original except S4 which was added yesterday.   

50
Review My Poetry / Re: Flux
« on: December 05, 2017, 03:47:40 PM »

It was a difficult time. I wrote a lot of poems including this one on the first anniversary, which was kind of a suicide note. I climbed the tree with a noosed rope but didn't do it.
She wouldn't have approved, I guess. I chickened out.
Things are much better these days. I have a new life with a new partner and feel fortunate in many ways.

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=54804.msg1011182#msg1011182

51
Review My Poetry / Re: Flux
« on: December 05, 2017, 03:14:58 PM »

Thanks again. It is a revision of an oldish piece from 2014, where the tense structure was contiguous. Here, the behavior has receded but the interaction between the characters remains more, vivid, I guess.
I saw that plumb line of rhyme but sometimes I'm helpless against my fetish for engineering line lengths.  ::)
The context of the poem is that I was heavily grief-struck, suddenly living alone in the mountains, and with just one (insomniac) friend who didn't mind me banging on her door after midnight.

52
Review My Poetry / Flux
« on: December 05, 2017, 02:29:04 PM »



A different sun was my grindstone
of days. I remember a drunkard
raving at the skies, mad-eyed.
 
I chose a forest road to escape
black-frost lakes, rusted gates
and petals Id pressed in haste.
 
A blood moon rose in the dust
behind me, swirled with furies
in eerie pursuit of recognition.   

Her lonely house stands askew
with neglect and derelict light
webbed in threads of poverty.
 
Her tarot eyes linger on my
heartbeat, fingertips on lips.
Outside, a cold star inhales.





53
Review My Poetry / Re: Great grand son wanted to know about dreams
« on: December 05, 2017, 01:29:48 PM »

I now have a dictionary
  ;D

Quick tip - if you go and fool around on the Games and Challenges board and get your posts up to 50, you'll be able to edit your posts. 

54
Review My Poetry / Re: Greenstick
« on: December 04, 2017, 02:03:00 PM »

Plain enjoyed the read. Skillful but understated use of language hits the right notes.

55
Review My Poetry / Re: Great grand son wanted to know about dreams
« on: December 04, 2017, 01:57:47 PM »

I can see your writing going into a transition. You need to uncap the the first stanza so it's consistent with the others.

you need a two syllable word here to maintain the rhythm

fly with eagles,       in the sky

enemy's > enemies

Nice work. You are entering a process that will reveal your poetic voice through gentle experimentation and the stretching of boundaries.   


56
Review My Poetry / Re: rhythm of the ages
« on: December 04, 2017, 01:49:08 PM »

The first line seemed to sag in the middle, which then lead to feeling there was one modifier too many in the rest of S1.

Rock and roll thuds on stretched skin
have given way to a lilt of violins,
a steady stroll of lakeside piano through dispersing forest,


also something with the sonics here, can't quite put my finger on it -unless it was the avoidance of an ing word.

and my voice
offers only cracked hums now,
reaches no further than my chilled breath.



Think I'd just cut this lot below - or at least the second bit.

I ignore the bleating lamb ringtone
for fear it is from the other side

again,
one second passes,
again,
between each baa, or maa
another second
until it stops.

Here the poem feels like it finally found a gear - nice and pacey, smooth.

Days follow tramlines stretched across space,
my feet rise and fall arioso and cadenza,
the world moves allegro
while I settle into allagando regrets.


Quick tweak

Rock and roll on stretched skin
has given way to a lilt of violins,
a steady stroll of lakeside piano
dispersed through misted forest,

and my breath, chilled and cracked,
offering only raw humming now,
reaches no further than my voice.

I ignore the bleating lamb ringtone
for fear it is from the other side

Days follow tramlines stretched across space,
my feet rise and fall arioso and cadenza,
the world moves allegro
while I settle into allagando regrets.

57
Review My Poetry / Re: Torc (revision)
« on: December 04, 2017, 01:36:55 PM »

To me, it reads like an observation of some new age hippie chick doing her thing, which intrigues the narrator but who plays it cool as he's buckled (married).
The lines are zippy and slick except for the last lines in each stanza - nice control of pace there, but I would have preferred the beat to remain. Good sound, good imagery, good language, good poem.     

58
Review My Poetry / Re: for my wife
« on: December 03, 2017, 11:07:02 AM »

Nice natural cadence, just this side of sing-song and decent ab ab end rhyme. Content from the heart. Congrats on a fantastic innings.

59
Review My Poetry / Re: L.A. Alchemy
« on: December 03, 2017, 11:00:51 AM »

Good read. I take the Hollywood allusions to reference the reality within illusions. Powerful writing, the first two verses are almost biblical in scope.

60
Review My Poetry / Re: The Church, Marv Davidov and Art
« on: December 03, 2017, 10:56:18 AM »

S1 has me grasping... can't really reconcile directly even with the exposition but the rest carries itself well. Some probing thoughts, reflections on the subject matter. It is a heady mixture and the intent sounds noble - long may the tribe of Congos increase.

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