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Messages - Mark T

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31
Review My Poetry / waxsome is new
« on: December 28, 2017, 04:45:04 AM »

summer snap

salt sidewalks fried as holiday am/pm
time stepping in sideways slices towards
the warm-blue saturday suburban throb
of fresh-cut petrol grass & cold beer on a tray -
               - a waxsome moon drip-cools a blackened beach
                 slick as star-shells pinned on freighter horizons
                 cascading foam lines of hiss-kiss fretwork neon
                 behind breezes thick and forward through the air



32
Writing Games & Challenges / Re: Poetry Challenge # 152: Villanelle
« on: December 23, 2017, 05:34:03 PM »

Villanelles done properly. Ho-hum.   

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=53427.0


33
Review My Poetry / Re: midnight Dreams-song
« on: December 14, 2017, 04:06:18 PM »


Nice to see you stretching a little there, Delta Tango Foxtrot. I suggest you tidy up the SPaG elements as a first revision. your > you're (S1L4) and some inconsistency with thru and through. The texture is a little schmaltzy but in a good way, I guess. Try and find alternatives for dream/dreams/dreaming to cut down the repetition a bit. The phrase 'midnight dreams' is core to the piece both in syntax and content. These words are a little tainted with cliche so some variation there could be considered too.
Just my opinion, use what you can, ignore what doesn't resonate. The main thing is to write from the heart, technique follows with practice.
I can tell from your writing, the nice sense of personal satisfaction you're feeling - not because you think your poems are great - but because you're writing and posting and writing more poems.
Try reading a draft aloud, feeling for rhythm, and adjust any sections where the pace seems to stumble or the words give off discordant sounds that interfere with the flow of the lines. Hope this helps ~ Mike Tango  8)

         

34
Review My Poetry / Re: Original revision
« on: December 14, 2017, 03:36:44 PM »

Wow, thanks for all the encouraging comments; Linda, Matty, Dave, Richard, and Dansinger. And thanks again to Sharon for initial comment. So nice to see such a raft of members putting down words - I hope you all plan on supporting Tom with his Poetry Challenge.   

35
Review My Poetry / Re: Sandy Hook
« on: December 14, 2017, 03:26:50 PM »

Quite a powerful angle to look at that horrific massacre. The last line of S1 is poignant.

Something about the final couplet feels off - I think it may be the present tense in the last line after the 5-year lapse is established in the second last line, also in present tense. Not sure.   

36
Review My Poetry / Re: refound
« on: December 14, 2017, 03:13:52 PM »

What an enjoyable read of a well-crafted piece. Wonderful sense of pace and control and the introduction of the old newspaper is just splendid. The two three-line stanzas are like this foray into extrinsic reality and then the retreat to the window in contemplation.

My only question is - how does found differ from refound? Refound sounds like finding something for the second time - so what am i missing?   

37
Review My Poetry / Re: Original revision
« on: December 13, 2017, 04:59:38 PM »

Sharon, thank you so much for your muse-like words. This piece is one of a series I wrote here on MWC on my journey after my partner passed away. I'm revisiting and revising them now from a different head-space place. But it's still not so easy.

I suspect the grief series may be the best sustained poetry I ever write - if only for the extra effort I put into each tribute-like offering. I still write about this seminal event but the distance between each piece grows farther, as it should, I guess.

These days all I feel strongly about in poetry-writing terms are globalist policies and the devolution of Humanity but these are awkward to receive in open forum, given the python states of blanket surveillance and self-censorship.

DTF - thanks for look and comment.

       

38
Review My Poetry / Re: confessions
« on: December 13, 2017, 12:28:06 PM »

A really good read, and food for thought. Hands are the most marvellous tools, aren't they, and full of information too - and now history too. Great stuff.

39
Review My Poetry / Original revision
« on: December 12, 2017, 04:45:15 PM »
Totem

I stop to watch them fall,
those swaying skirts of rain
swept overboard from dirty clouds
patrolling across my god-green valley.

I hunker down surrounded by colour; fynbos,
proteas, ericas, heathers, tussocks of helicrysum,
as a wet grey blur spitfires needles along the ridge. 
Stoic, I absorb the squall, edged with a bitter winter.

It passes as a halo. I stand, cut flowers in hand,
a fleeting double rainbow coalescent in the air
and reflect how near this time last year
we thought she had the flu.




40
Review My Poetry / Re: Torc (revision2)
« on: December 12, 2017, 02:19:42 PM »

Down with the inevitable, I say!  ;D


Seriously though, I found this quad poem within the poem. I love the way this snippet speaks volumes but to details of the imagination.     

Perhaps that lace of runes across her back
opens a book, reveals a map. She found
her Celtic Cross last year in a car boot sale;
studied the mother tongue, became Welsh.


Brilliant.

41
Review My Poetry / Re: Updating
« on: December 12, 2017, 02:08:53 PM »

I saw this when it first appeared and thought it good. I like the structural subtleties inherent in this piece including the alternating 3/4 stanzas. But each stanza carries a different POV aspect, smoothly transitioned. 1 is first person, 2 is group, 3 is indirect narrative and 4 is observational. Hidden in plain sight, how cool is that?

The theme and imagery are clear, crisply clear, original, bright and direct. The poem's language works in layers, appeals to the mind's eye, and ends well.



Only nits are 'bed rocks' > bedrock? riverbed rocks? What are bed rocks?

 - and, subjectively, what about ...

Now the tumble of rapids
splashes in through naked fog
from every direction.

>>

Now the rumble of rapids
splashes through naked fog
tumbled from every direction.


Very nice poem, Ty.

42
Review My Poetry / Re: Ignored
« on: December 11, 2017, 10:53:57 AM »
I like S1 and S2. The uncertainty and imagery make for a good mix. I found S3 and S4 to be a little busy. And who or what, pray tell, are 'them' in the last line? The boots - the dippers? Or the grazers? 

43
Review My Poetry / Re: Amelia
« on: December 11, 2017, 10:42:34 AM »

Yes, A.E. was quite the descriptive writer, and the poem is a sparkling tribute. Good one, Dave. 

44
Review My Poetry / Re: How to Manipulate Time
« on: December 11, 2017, 10:38:33 AM »
Here's a shuffled around opening suggestion.

With some things we sit a while, growing still -
transcending fallen moments.
Like when he left,
and took all but his wrappers.
Pain will do it. You'll be curled around your pillow.



This is striking and original

... in your thin, stunned arms.


The middle section needs some tweaking. Seems like too many 'you' and 'your' for a quite specific narrated scene. May benefit from a shift to 1st person. Good imagery.   

Dogs, too. Sit and stroke the smooth dome
of a lab's head, you sigh, you settle. Breathe.
Clocks slow and stretch, then-- the very pressure
in your veins decreases. Page and flip through
old photos, real film prints, I mean. You smile,
even to an empty room. You laugh, you wipe
your eyes. Hug a child. Hold your own newborn,
pink and  whimpering in your thin, stunned arms.



45
Review My Poetry / Re: Flux
« on: December 11, 2017, 10:15:47 AM »

Thanks for look and comments DTF and Dansinger. Sharon, I appreciate your thoughts and thanks for returning to this piece. 

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