Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Messages - heidi52

Pages: [1]
1
Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: I'm Baaaaack!
« on: July 12, 2018, 09:46:03 AM »
Yes, very well, Richard. Thanks for asking. How are you? How are the kiddos? Getting big I bet.

2
Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: I'm Baaaaack!
« on: July 10, 2018, 01:38:32 PM »
That's great! Congratulations.  :D

3
Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: I'm Baaaaack!
« on: July 09, 2018, 06:28:38 AM »
Hi Mrs N
Good to see you! Things are well, thanks for asking. How about you? Still with your writing buddy?

4
The Gallery / Re: When Men Were Slaves
« on: July 04, 2018, 09:56:57 AM »
You knew I'd come back to haunt MWC!  8)

5
Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: I'm Baaaaack!
« on: July 03, 2018, 06:14:34 PM »
Glad to see some old faces, Mark. What's been happening?

6
The Gallery / Re: When Men Were Slaves
« on: July 03, 2018, 06:11:12 PM »
Dickens, redux.

Enjoyed the read, thanks for sharing.

7
I'm sorry you didn't like my feedback. You asked what I thought and I told you. Perhaps in the future think about prefacing your work with a caveat that you only want positive feedback, not critique.

Also I think you will have a better time with this if you post your poems in the poetry section.


8
Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: Hello~^^~
« on: June 21, 2018, 06:20:32 AM »
Welcome to the circle, Alex. Look forward to seeing you around the boards.

9
Review My Work / Re: What is your Problem?
« on: June 20, 2018, 08:34:06 AM »
My problem is this reads like a badly punctuated text message.

You're talking not "your talking"

ellipses have rules...
follow the rules or don't use them  ;)

10
Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: Return
« on: June 20, 2018, 08:26:15 AM »
Hi guys, glad you found your way back home.  ;)

11
To answer your question, I didn't think much of your "biblical references". Are you considering "angels and angels" and "lord" to be biblical???

You wrote this in under 5 minutes and it shows.

Next time, spending a few more minutes to edit and improve your writing might be a good idea.

Posting a poem in the Review my Poetry thread would be another good idea.

12
Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: Hello All
« on: June 20, 2018, 08:16:02 AM »
Hi Dallas! Welcome to the circle and congratulations on finishing your manuscript. Look forward to seeing you around the boards.

13
Review My Work / Re: Review my short story "John's Angel"
« on: June 20, 2018, 08:10:18 AM »
I read through to the end, so that's a good thing.  ;) However, I think you need to do several things:

PLEASE put extra carriage returns in when you post your work. I know you had space between paragraphs when you wrote this in word or whatever, but the editor here eats those for breakfast, and what the poor reader sees is a wall of text with no breaks. Very hard on the eyes.

Please use some commas where needed to break up the sentences. Commas are your friends, even though they can be a little intimidating sometimes, lol. Your dialog punctuation needs a bit of work as well.

I realize this is a rough draft, but could really benefit with some hard pruning. You are trying to set a scene, but most of this is like wallpaper, kind of fills space without having any depth.

Dialog also needs work, for example “Great, I have two kids and I’m now married to Devon Andrews." Doesn't ring true. Is that really what someone would say to someone they hadn't seen for a long time? Especially someone they may be interested in? I could give some examples, but I'm sure you can come up with better yourself.

The other thing that doesn't ring true is the fact that she didn't recognize the name on the package she was delivering.

For this reader high school days are not that interesting and I know you are trying to show rather than tell, but I think you could condense this without losing much of anything. The joke was lame, of course, but I half expected it to be brought up again, like maybe she remembered it. Then it could have been a way to show how she was actually paying attention to him back then, though he didn't realize it.

If it doesn't serve a purpose in the story, I would axe it.

This may sound nit-picky and it probably is, but I hope it helps.


14
Welcome Board - START HERE! / I'm Baaaaack!
« on: June 20, 2018, 08:06:44 AM »
After a brief respite I am back and so glad to see that My Writers Circle isn't dead, despite the headlines in the tabloids.

I will wear my new newbie status with pride, but beware: This is not my first rodeo, and those who know me, know I don't sugar coat my feelings.

Look forward to seeing old and new friends around the boards.

Pages: [1]