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Messages - Jia Ming

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Review My Poetry / Re: great grandson in the garden
« on: March 20, 2018, 03:33:13 PM »
*an army (mistakes like this in a poem is unacceptable especially in such short ones)

The incorporation of superficial imagery mimicking nursery rhymes calls for a lengthier composition (put depth within structure or story if it's not condensed). There isn't really much to pick up from your poem, "some are long, and some are short" may appeal to toddlers but not much else (every line matters, and not solely for sonic reasons, unless directed to specifically those age-groups). Also, some of the rhymes feels kinda forced, not tragic, but not the best it can be. A looser scheme would do it good.

Note, have consistency in your punctuation and capitalisation. The only call for such breakings is for a clear literary purpose, of which I see none of in yours.

Aside from these, not too bad. I can see attempts of thematically blending concrete imagery with tone for a simulation of innocent experiences.

The Gallery / Re: My Name
« on: January 25, 2018, 12:57:24 PM »
Is the "G" pronounced like "gif" or "gif"?

Review My Poetry / Re: Ballooning (Revision)
« on: November 10, 2017, 11:07:21 AM »
Definitely, I could not throw away such valuable guidance. Also, I could never be too busy for poetry (in the long term). Plus the "assignment" is really interesting, and decidedly one of my considerations for writing, Stay tuned! Thanks a tonne for your comments Mark.

Review My Poetry / Re: Ballooning
« on: November 09, 2017, 01:55:59 PM »
Hey, is it alright if I brought this back for a bit? It's undergone heavy editing, and I'm just wondering if the clarity of its ideas are any better, especially of time. To give context: it was inspired by a direct observation of an elderly entity, but unnecessarily so, as its an attempt for abstraction and generalisation.

Review My Poetry / Re: meme
« on: November 01, 2017, 02:27:30 PM »
Well, I like it anyway, for what it is rather than what it means. I don't really know, it just feels right for the poem to exist for me; maybe its because I read it at 3am, when I am/was more easily succumbed to abstraction (my interpretation wasn't similar at all)

Review My Poetry / Re: meme
« on: October 31, 2017, 01:43:13 PM »
For the original, I found two ways of reading it:

troubadour liar, for (falling of the flaws and laws) (flailing the failing of feelings) (feeding the folding fortunes of beings) (fleeing in ruins), on fire from the moons

troubadour liar, for [+the] falling of (the flaws and laws flailing the failing of (feelings feeding the folding fortunes of (beings fleeing in ruins))), on fire from the moons

Separation of clauses like the first interpretation requires punctuation though, so I had leaned closer to my 2nd. Looking at indar's rewrite (which I really, really agree with), it latter interpretation pops right out. I still think there should be a 'the' on the first line, even though it was better to remove the others.

Somehow, I could appreciate the poem for its layering and connection of ideas despite me having no clue of why what's actually going on. I know it's kinda cheating, but care to explain the intentions for 'beings', 'ruins', 'fire' and 'moon'? I found it too far-fetched to be anyhow related, especially beings.

Review My Poetry / Re: My Grasses
« on: October 17, 2017, 01:43:04 AM »
Thanks Indar, I see exactly what you mean. I guess it really isnt something that can be edited out, but only to keep in mind. I agree this poem doesn't have strong enough fundamentals before attempting to slice the topic; I wonder if it was due to the rhyme scheme or maybe just a weird connection of implications in my head. Anyway, thank youall so much, can finally see the poem in new light!

Review My Poetry / Re: My Grasses
« on: October 16, 2017, 11:26:22 AM »
Oh sorry, I misinterpreted and thought you asked what I imagined. The specifics doesn't have to be a gardener or a daughter, they are just what I had specifically seen in my head. They really are anything, as long as it goes along the lines of a feminine entity for the grass, and a socially-insignificant narrator who perceives with lots of ownership and pity. This I hope can be seen, not the gardener and daughter.

Review My Poetry / Re: My Grasses
« on: October 15, 2017, 07:37:47 PM »
For me it's either a person in the jungle admiring nature or a gardener or a farmer observing his land, wondering about their daughters.

Review My Poetry / My Grasses
« on: October 15, 2017, 03:30:31 PM »
My grasses curtsy forced,
Beside so ‘manly trees,
Ferns licking every hunchbacked bow
With marriage-knot decrees.

My childish sun is slow,
Revealing each by each,
How slick my grasses’ back bent back,
Whose Sigh so out of reach.

My ants lay flat on top,
Just basking, then a shriek,
Oh, that was nothing, just the grass
Now sounding so antique.

Review My Poetry / Re: house building
« on: September 26, 2017, 11:10:00 AM »
"on the welcome mat/enter barefoot." Is a punctuation missing here? Or have you deliberately used the line break as a substitute, because that didn't work for me since the previous lines did not use it that way, or I may just have been reading it wrong.

I noticed there is alot of "I [verb] ...", which is alright; it creates a closer, personal interaction but it also gives me an impression of a telling tone. I just may have seen the intention of conveying those actions themselves rather than those actions, and especially in "I hear" in L3.

Also, the extra spacing of ' ; ' in the 3rd stanza, is put on purpose? The vertical separation doesn't seem to imply anything and feels quite unnecessary.

Other than my nit-picking, I absolutely loved it, certainly the structure of content, revealing each by each and ending with such an image. And the crows couldn't have been used any better than this, suitable image, suitable sounds, suitable mood. The best part for me is how just how effortlessly it flows due to its concreteness, and just how clear (yet allowing room for exploration) the contrasts between the crows as the post-marriage house(home) is shown.

Review My Poetry / Re: Hoofing the spam
« on: September 11, 2017, 10:25:13 PM »
What if it was actually a wonderful poem crafted with expert care which delivers a blatant description of the internet world?

Writing Games & Challenges / Re: the last person to post here wins
« on: September 02, 2017, 12:01:32 PM »
.. - / .- .-.. .-- .- -.-- ... / .-- .- ... / .- / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . / - .... .-. . .- -.. .-.-.-

Writing Games & Challenges / Re: 5 Random Letters
« on: September 02, 2017, 11:45:59 AM »
Zeta Exponents Bribe Reimann Annoyingly


Review My Poetry / Re: Pressure
« on: September 02, 2017, 06:45:51 AM »
Really? I felt 'your' was the reason I pursed my own lips, exhaled and felt the pressure, without it it's just a description. Also, the length of the middle line as it is, I think is just perfect to look like lips.

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