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Messages - indar

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Review My Poetry / Re: Rumination
« on: July 15, 2018, 12:36:16 PM »
strictly speaking a horse is not a ruminant but I don't suppose a cow would be the same---perhaps an elk.

I'm joking of course. Interesting poem about wrongful birth and poignant language and imagery.

Review My Poetry / Re: Longing
« on: January 02, 2018, 03:52:03 PM »
Gyppo is keeping Sio informed of events here.

Review My Poetry / Re: Moon
« on: January 01, 2018, 04:03:51 PM »

If this were written in the 1940s for a show tune it might sound fabulous sung by Bing Crosby. The end rhymes you use are time-worn--moon/June, night/light. I have seen some of your other work that is fresh and thoughtful--but this one isn't. I encourage you to think hard about what you want to say and think about fresh and insightful ways to say it. My brother threatens to shoot the mockingbirds around his house BTW says they keep him awake all night.

When the sun in the morning
peeps over the hill
and kisses the roses
on my windowsill
then my heart leaps with gladness
when I hear the trill
of the birds in the morning
on mockingbird hill.

Sorry---just had to get it out of my system---loved that song when I was a kid. Perhaps there is nothing wrong with writing and posting song lyrics on this site but even then think hard about saying something in a different way than what we can almost anticipate because it is so over-used. Keep at it --Its obvious you love to write.

Review My Poetry / Re: before the bath
« on: December 31, 2017, 12:35:58 AM »
You were right T

Review My Poetry / Re: Longing
« on: December 30, 2017, 08:20:54 PM »
indeed :)

Review My Poetry / Re: before the bath
« on: December 30, 2017, 05:31:56 PM »
Thanks all
Mark there are lots of hobby farms, livestock and so forth east of me---I won't get into the particulars but the Inland Empire as its called is a tinderbox--no measurable rain at all since last winter.
All that ash blows west on the Santa Anna winds. The fire of which I write is the Lilac fire---out at last. Its just one of the ironies that thirty or so miles west of those horrible fires (and in the case of the more northern ones right up to the coast) there is an entire ocean full of water yet there it sits.

Does that address your at-sea-ness?

Thanks Gyppo, yes you got the import- 1 part per billion perhaps but still- 2 people a stable full of thoroughbreds and uncounted horses, goats, llamas turned loose with a prayer for their survival.

T, I thought to start and end with a kind of sacramental feel: washing/speaking words for the dead. Would just the washing at the beginning carry the idea? I'll get rid of "repeat"---got carried away.

Thank you matty, in this case writing helps process the loss.

Review My Poetry / Re: Longing
« on: December 30, 2017, 05:03:25 PM »
shoot--for one thrilling moment I thought Sio was back

Review My Poetry / Re: waxsome is new
« on: December 29, 2017, 04:01:01 PM »
Well it might be summer below the equator but let me remind you I am in California where it is a happy medium all year long ;D ;D (most of the time)

Mark I remember a great poem you posted about your cold season there---I don't remember the title but there was a cozy bit about a fire in the wood stove etc. Why don't you repost that one for the season up here? I would love to read it again

Review My Poetry / before the bath
« on: December 29, 2017, 11:54:37 AM »
Before the Bath

gray layers
the bottom
of the bathtub
I spray with Hilex cleaner
watch the paisley pattern
down the drain

what burned
I wonder and blew west
toward the sea
the ineffectual sea
water enough to sink the continent
what part of someone's life
what life perhaps
washes into my village sewer

Review My Poetry / Re: waxsome is new
« on: December 28, 2017, 12:59:49 PM »
Hi Mark,

Too bad there isn't an option for writing in curved lines, I want to see an over/under pattern to this fine piece of writing. It sings along so beautifully it stirs the calligrapher in me. Sio should read this one. I'll be back.

Review My Poetry / Re: Working for the National Trust
« on: December 27, 2017, 06:04:55 PM »
Hi Matty,

You changed the ending since my first read---this is much better. The images are jolting as I'm certain they are meant to be--very effective. Reading it through I am made uncomfortable. The African mask against the pastels of Gainsborough--Ick. I love museum cafes and love the bubbling broth of varied voices that tie all three elements together. But, yes doesn't the museum setting water down the culture those elements represent. Nice observation.

Review My Poetry / Re: To sleep under a caricature of dreams
« on: December 23, 2017, 07:34:48 PM »
Poetry that is a flight of fancy or dream state still needs to make a certain kind of sense either through a narrative that progresses like any story telling with a beginning, middle and end. And the reader should be able to in some way relate. Even if the writer simply presents a series of breathtaking images that carries the reader along or keeps the reader guessing as to what the conclusion might be. In other words you need to engage the reader. This might be a start in that direction but "a kiss beneath my vest" doesn't tell me much about its purpose. A green and deserted landscape and a diamond filled cave is a bit time-worn and again I don't feel any of it drives the narrative. Try finding better ways to present the images that will make a reader feel as though a trip through the fantasy of another has been a real ride..

Breakups often inspire poetry and that poetry often finds its way onto this board. And breakups are painful. I like your seemingly dry-eyed assessment of the situation and the look forward to sobriety. I hope this foray into writing will serve as an introduction to writing on a variety of subjects.

Review My Poetry / Re: confessions
« on: December 22, 2017, 10:39:08 AM »
great reorganization it really flows and builds to that final confession.

Review My Poetry / Re: Nothing to Forgive: Song of Iosheka
« on: December 21, 2017, 05:09:30 PM »
Just a little hint of Longfellow in this. (don't be offended just a teeny tiny bit) The imagery is fabulous.

I'm trying to decide how I feel about the mix of Native and Roman mythology, and perhaps that of the modern-day, deer-hunter cult (I spent about 7 years in the north woods of Wisconsin where the world turns on deer season) I think its an interesting idea to span cultures and eras but I also agree with Matty the inclusion of Venus reads a little off.

Have you ever read Mary Oliver's Twelve Moons--12 poems using the Algonquin names for the moon. You might relate to Hunters Moon:Eating the Bear

Interesting write I will come back to again.

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