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Messages - bachelor567

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Thanks for noticing. Written in android app. It doesn't support auto-capitalization.
And yes i write with mistakes.

Review My Script / Re: Arrival Scene. Feedback welcomed.
« on: April 26, 2018, 08:56:36 AM »
Hi, Hunter. I read what you wrote
And this is just a friendly observation.

first thing that came to my mind is the script is naked of details.

the opening is presented as a straight Readers' common fact.
as if you take into consideration that me and you saw independence day,
so you see no need to explain what's going on.

my first advice is be patient and write your own story,
think about this world more deeply to describe it in a passionate way.

what day is today?
weather info?
is it morning?
what's he's doing?
any clues what's he going to do after?
find out his hobby yet? is it something you could show on a shelf?
what's on the radio? tv?
what he's having for breakfast?
is he in pajamas?
how is his appartment?
which floor?
how's the view outside the window?

basically interview yourself after visiting this guys' appartment in 9 A.M
most of the people are doing something when something else happen,
and they won't leave what they're doing unless it's unbearable what's coming.

your character pulls a gun
(which kind? i like revolvers
so if it's automatic it turns me off lol) out of his mouth.



cool. He want to suicide..

elaborate. why?
-being fired/
on the table,
a note with two days old coffee mug buttom stain on it.

it mockingly announces his final dissmissal from work.
two tears drops fall on the wrinkled note.
maybe it came to die on Tylers' glass table.

-lost his girl- holds a picture of Him and RACHEL.
their wearing a Hawaian flowery necklaces,
hugging each other on a trip- the sunset behind,
it was all so perfect back then.

anyway to make it short
you tend to be eager or focous on Aliens, not  a story.
research your characters,
concentrate on what's happens to them ALL THE TIME.

Review My Script / Re: Opening scene to a new Western/Horror idea.
« on: April 22, 2018, 10:59:29 AM »
i agree with what has been allready pointed out and just add technical stuff:

i estimated 12 minutes of screen time.

the bad:

-the amount of detailing a character, lighting camera action
and bending every crew to your "rules" is overwhelming .

- the big chunks in the action section discourage me from reading it.

-if it made it to the screen we'd be watching
a girl, injured and roam, climb, enter a mysterious cave where she finds
human remains, attacked by a giant creature

- i'm not sure i got it right. i'm confused and i won't read it again i'm sorry.
-locations- i easily forgot these. maybe because of the mental effort i needed to read these action lines.

key moment lost in action sections-
find it if you able to and make sure we see it too.

-no clear motivation. the girl is a ghost  i don't know who she is, what she's doing and why.
if it's there i'm sorry for missing it. find it in this huge action mess and make sure i won't miss it again.

-backtrack, why? backtracking in 12 minutes screen time?
god no. just move along it's nothing special.

like i said before i won't read it again unless Spacing and Style applied.
i'm sorry if i was too brutal, it's your own fault. take what matters and grow better.

It does not matter if you read “Hunger Games” or any other YA books. Many of them are written in deep POV. Either first person or third person.
But who can hold the authors against it? I mean it’s a great technique to create suspense. The characters haven’t an omniscient view.
Instead of “I see…, I taste…, I smell…, I hear…, I feel…” they write it differently. Maybe instead of “I see a wheat-gold liquid.” They write “A wheat-gold liquid fills the glass.”
Although I know it’s a difficult way to write. I wanna try it.
So, do you have any tips for me to master it?


first let me just say in advance that i like your passion to write.
second, what i'll write next is not advice to you, but several  suggestions.
i didn't read Hunger Games script, so i won't comnent on that regard
but about your intention to write it a as first person POV.

I think you mean and confuse the directive style the move was made to look and not the actual writing.
i don't know if any script ever did this and turn into a movie- maybe self produced.

if you want or need for taste to be "seen"  just use dialogue or reaction.

he consumes the chicken wing in a instant - means it was tasty.

example2: he bit off a chicken wing, toss it back to the plate./
abandons the fork to drink wine.- not taste good

do the same with sounds, feeling etc- those things can only grasped by reaction.
Actors react/say what bother them in their surrondings.

Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: New scriptwriter to the pool?
« on: April 15, 2018, 11:11:13 AM »
thanks i'll try my best, and if you need a review for
your work i'll be there for you. just send a message and i'll look into it.

Review My Script / Dark Company- Predator meets Universal soldier
« on: April 13, 2018, 03:15:11 PM »
Code: [Select]


This script is going some place darker later on
But the opening-  just establishing the cruel world that
Hale and Doug thrown into.

In these scenes they are both kids on boarding school dealing with a vicious gang.
Please respond with critics or whatever you feel missing or overdoing. Thanks

It turns out they have more to deal with when they grow up.

they appear at the end of a wide pathway,

a shallow river and a huge cliff upfront.

Doug stands still and breath in.

Hale does too.

Doug open his eyes and freeze.


something is waving in the wind. a flag.

               HALE: (CONT'D)
         it's okey, let's go somewhere else.

Doug look frantically, above the cliff and back at the woods.

he put his old torn bag on the ground.

                HALE: (CONT'D)
         What are you doing?

          if they are here, expect for trouble.

          Are you serious? you just saw the flag.
          lets just go somewhere else.

Doug pacing aggressively towards the flag.

He reach and stomp on it, until it tucked deep into the soil.

          what flag?

          oh gosh.

Hale looks around, on guard.

               HALE: (CONT'D)
            wow. we're set for trouble now.

Doug step closer to him.


          i'll make it my own buisness.
          i got your back, allright?

Doug vanish behind a tree and comes out with sword like sticks.

he's coming back and hand over a stick to Hale.

Hale waves it like a sword.

they stand a step away from each other.

Hale put his stick over his head, like a samurai.

Doug hold his stick sideway.

               DOUG: (CONT'D)
          Remember. courage. Honor. death.

Hale look carefully at Dougs hands. legs and eyes.

               DOUG: (CONT'D)
          are you sure, attacking like this?

          sure, why not?

          if you realy want to die.
          five years and this is how you gonna use your sword?

          I know what you're doing.

Hale retreats whenever Doug steps forward.

          Remember, dying is just a part of life.

          Come on. nobody is going to die.

          Whoever get the head, wins.

          yeah right.

suddenly Hale run to the water.

Doug runs parallel to him.


They both knees deep in the river.

they keep circle one another.

then, they charge in.

Hale is faster, his stick slashs Doug chest.

Doug falls splashing in the water.

              HALE: (CONT'D)

Hale pull him up by the arm.

          i'm fine.

Doug hold his chest.

Then he push
Hale away and spin around. fast.

Dougs' stick swoosh
and stops an inch away from
Hales temple.

Hale eyes look aside, on the stick.

Doug smiles.

              DOUG: (CONT'D)
          Never show mercy to your opponent.

Doug lowers the stick. slow.
Hale sighs.

Doug walks away from the river.
Hale follows.

                DOUG: (CONT'D)
          nice move running to the water.

          yeah. you kinda slow in water.

          i bet one day you'd watch my back.

          you think?

Doug lean both hands on the stick.


         You bet.

Kids LAUGHING. Hale alarms.

          someone is coming.

Doug hold the stick upfront.

          It's them.

Doug stares deep at Hale.
Hale gives him puppy eyes.

              DOUG: (CONT'D)
          Relax, this time we won't back down.

Hale nods briefly and raise his stick.

a group of wild looking kids come their way.

up front, JOHNSON- a wild
demanoured teen.

the kids come closer, a step away.

          Well looka here!
          we got two scrowny lambs away from the herd.
          are you looking for trouble? again?

          Back off! this is our spot.
          always has been.

Johnson spots the flag on the ground.

he swiftly turn back to Doug.

          Why you little piece of shit.
          get him!

they charge at Hale and Doug who start waving the sticks

Mark, big kid, jumps backwards, barely avoids Hale's swing.

he groans and wipe his filthy lips.


          whatcha gonna do country boy.
          i'm coming for ya.

Mark pick a heavy stone.
without warning, he throw it on Hale.

the stone hits Hale in the face.

Benette shoulder-rams Doug,
he falls and Davon start kicking him on the ground.

johnson pick Doug's stick from the ground.
the others pin Doug down.

          It's coming, and it ain't going to be pretty.

Johnson comes above him with his nasty grin.

Hale face is bloody.
he swivels swinging the stick blindly.

Mark is sneaking on him.

when close enough, he swings the stone into Hales' face. viciously.

it's coming. 

Hale can hear Doug scream.

instinctly Hale side step. Mark miss by inches.
his back is now defenceless.

Hale spins shouting and SLAMS the stick to the back of his head.

Mark turns slow, like a zombie.

blood slimes down to his back.
he falls down quick.

          when you see our flag next time. you better run.

Doug fights no more.
his eyes are set. empty.

his drunk father is above him with a stained shirt.


               FATHER VOICE:
          You're piece of horse-shit! useless things..
           need to perish.

he stretch his folded lether belt. CLAP. the hand goes up ready to strike.



Johnson sway back to deliver a fatal blow to the face

BLAM! Hale comes screaming and kicks the stick of his hands.

Johnson stumbles back.

when his head rise, his feral eyes set on Hale.

he step in towards him.

          nice timing chump.
          you like him don't you?

Doug suddenly freaks out, screaming.

in his struggle, he break free and roll aside.

               JOHNSON: (CONT'D)
          hey, don't let him up!

as Doug rolls he come by a big stone. the guys still try to pin him down.

he fight for reach, stretching his fingers as far as he can.

he finally grab it.

he hit random hand away, then jump on top of Davon belly.
they fight for dominance.

Doug lift the stone high up.

he smash it into Davon's face.
blood splatters.

the horrific sight triggers Benette to leave Doug shirt, to turn and run away.

Doug leaps after him.
he pick something off the ground.


Benette stops and look back.

a big mistake.

Doug drive a sharp twig deep into his neck.

Benette hold to the twig in his neck. his eyes flapp.

the he fall backwards into a small pit. twitching.

rain starts again.

Hale comes running and stop next to Doug.

he gasps when he sees Bennetes' body.

Johnson stop next to them.
Bennets body didn't move.

he starts to tremble.
his eyes turn to Doug.

         I won't let it end like this.
         i'm going - to blocked - kill you!

         come on.
         (spits blood)

          it's over guys. Don't do it.

Sorry Hale.

Johnson and Doug circle each other.

               DOUG: (CONT'D)
         there's no turning back.
          i'm ready to die, right here.

          You crazy beast!

          stop it!
Johnson swing the stick.


another FLASH of Doug's father laughing wildly. he swing his belt ferociously.

Doug arms go up to protect his head.

BAM! the heavy stick crush his arms. Doug clench his teeth and grawls.

               HALE: (CONT'D)
You two are going to kill each other. stop it!

That's it? is that all you got??
Johnson take another swing.

Doug grab the other end of the stick and spin his torso.
Johnson go down spining.

Johnsons gets up, laughing crazed.

he slowly send a hand to his belt.

it's a big knife, his fingers twitch with pain as he unfold it open.

come to me.


Johnson crazy look fixate on Doug's.

Doug shouts.
the stick comes down hard on Johnson neck, he falls instantly flat.

Doug closing in.
Johnson, on the ground look up at him.

i'm. going. to kill you.
you just wai--

the next blow goes to Johnsons' head.

several SHOTS of the victims.

Doug raise his bloody face,
letting the rain clense the blood.

a thunder rumbles.

a negotiator- Wtf?
And in mid crisis he has time to lean back and smoke0.0
He has no speciality stated asks not so usefull questions indeed.

To make it worse
He needs a most secretive list of questions to break anyone under the spell
Question like what are you? why are you here?
The strange part is that he asked his commander the same questions
Is he a robot?

He also admits it's his first time seeing Aliens,

What are they?

(whatever his Commander is smoking he got the wrong person for the job)
and they called him!! for help?!! You better clear the base.

The conversation is chit chat.
-needs more insight for mutual history
 and hero history.
Maybe his last case had a price like injury, change of ideals.
New weakneses. Trauma that cripples him.
Something disabling and cripling Whatever.

Most what you wrote in the dialog between them is vague, short,
impatient and cramped.
I know cause i've done it too,
mostly when i think i got the best idea ever
And can't wait to put it on the paper.
But first drafts don't count as final.
Charcters comes out dumb when you go into their dialogue
and their common sense is flat dead.

give us some story involving Morgan successfull cases,
while his Commander witnessed and know what he is capable of doing and we might believe he's a Comunicator. Negotiator is smarter.

I hope my points are clear. Till next time.

Welcome Board - START HERE! / New scriptwriter to the pool?
« on: April 12, 2018, 05:32:25 PM »
Hi, im Neza rom Israel.
Years back i was doing comics books/penciler
I was also writing the script for these comics, but never got to publish any
While dealing with work and life.
It somehow got so evolved that somwhere around  year ago,
that i learned that i actually wanted many things,
but first i started writing script and use my penciling skills
For storyboard. Both skills i want to master.
Sorry for the long post, and i'm glad to be here.

Welcome Board - START HERE! / Re: New member
« on: April 12, 2018, 05:18:21 PM »
Hello also new here. 38. I'm trying to establish scriptwriting route,
And realy like old movies/books/comics sci fi and mystery, sometimes even horror.
What jenres are you into?

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