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Messages - Griff

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Review My Work / Re: Opening Scene - Horror - 1025 words
« on: August 25, 2018, 04:00:08 PM »
Thanks both of you! I have yet to continue this but I think I will pick it back up this afternoon  ;D

Writing Games & Challenges / Re: the last person to post here wins
« on: July 08, 2018, 02:45:32 PM »

I love the last line, it's a very nice way to say "you are not alone", as you probably intended it to be. Only nitpick that I feel I have the ability to comment on, on the first two lines you use the word saunter twice, it kinda drew me out of it. I'd replace the second saunter with a different verb.

Review My Work / Opening Scene - Horror - 1025 words
« on: July 08, 2018, 02:38:50 PM »
It would be lovely if someone could look this over for me. I struggle with "show don't tell", and similar writing cliches, so any critique helps! I'm going to give this a mild warning of horror, it might be a little bit gross? I am a bad judge.

People do not go gently into that good night. Their bodies may collapse like marionettes cut from strings, eyes cloudy and vacant, but their spirits wail and scream, grasping for anything that may keep their mortal coils tethered to this earth. They shriek and claw at walls, tearing vocal cords and rupturing eardrums, leaving behind severed nails and the acrid tang of blood, all in a desperate attempt to crawl away from their greatest fear. The fear of all who live. Death.

I've known this my entire life.

From birth my sister said I was different. "You would never stop crying," she whined, "No one could get any sleep with your infernal screaming."

There is a clear difference between the cries of the dead and the cries of the living. The living's are loud and shrill, but the dead's carry for miles, warbled and distorted, like tv static.

"Rashid," my mother used to say, "quit cowering and go to the market." But I could not, for the streets carried the wails of the damned which echoed into my young ears. Father thought I was crazy, flinching and covering my ears at every step. Maybe that was why he left, escaping into the night which housed my eternal fear.

It took nine years of agony and confusion before I learned the source of the shrieking. I don't remember how I ended up on that street. I was lost in the maze of cobblestone, the screaming in my ears growing louder and louder. I stumbled into an alleyway and I saw it. A man was lying on the ground, chest still and eyes glazed over, a beast crouching over him. It was hunched figure, as tall as three or more men, wrapped in a cloak as dark as night. Its flesh was blood red and sickly, oozing black veins littered like patchwork across it, wriggling like worms. A man, translucent, was hanging from its teeth, shrieking and wailing loud enough to make me flinch. I whimpered as the beast turned towards me, dropping the man, standing up and looming over my tiny frame.

Its face was a frozen monstrosity, dark crimson blood smeared around the gaping void where eyes should be, face contorted into a permanent smile with uneven, dripping teeth. My throat closed, my eyes locked on the abomination, like the rabbit who looks upon a wolf.

"Hello," it whispered, breath ghosting over my flesh, leaving goosebumps. "Can you see me child?" Its voice rang with the cries of a thousand people, sounding like child, woman, and man.

I nodded, tremors moving from only my hands to my entire frame, encompassing me.

It moved closer, its face nearly touching mine. Looking into its empty eye sockets revealed hundreds, thousands of worms coated in blood and bile, moving restlessly in the creature’s skull. The world tilted as I fell, retching and scrambling back away from the nightmare.

"That's strange," it said, shuffling even closer, ignoring my whimpers, "What's your name?"

"R-Rashid." I stutter, blood rushing even further away from my pale face.

"Hello Rashid. I am Death."

The hair on my arms raised.

“I’ve never met anyone who could see me,” it continued, “you must be very special.”

I wasn’t listening to Death’s words. My eyes were locked upon its fearsome form, my ears upon the renewed screaming of the translucent man behind it. It was an incessant noise, drilling into my skull, turning my other thoughts into static.
The pause stretched.

“Rashid?” Death asked, moving until it was nearly atop me, to my horror.

I couldn't respond. Terror had beaten my brain into a fine paste, thoughts firing wildly into another, leaving no trace of any coherence.

Death tilted its head, before turning back to the screaming man. “I have to take care of this soul,” Death said, sounding dejected, “but I’ll be back soon. I hope we get to see more of each other.” It unhooked its distorted jaws, picking up the wailing man.

“No, please, help me!” The man yelled, voice cracking. He scrambled for purchase on the cobblestone wall, nails scraping against the rough surface. His eyes darted around, locking onto my own petrified form. “You,” he pleaded, “you can see me. Help me! I don’t want to go!”

My breath quickened. The man was still shrieking.

“Wait!” Someone yelled.

It was me, but my mind was hardly in enough order to figure that out. Death turned back towards me, and I once again was trapped beneath the repulsive gaze.

“P-Please,” my throat was dry, and it cracked painfully, “please let him go.”

Death made a questioning noise, dropping the soul once more. “Why?”

“U-uh, he, he doesn’t want to go.” My body was shaking again, and my consciousness felt miles away from my body.

Death stared at me, occasionally glancing back at the soul. He had rolled up into a fetal position, a steady stream of pleases and prayers falling from his lips.


I startled. “Okay?”

“I’ll let this man stay,” Death said, staring into my eyes, “but you must agree to speak with me again.”

My stomach plummeted. I shook my head, “No-,”

The man whimpered, the sound cutting off my denial.

Tears began to form, but I blinked them away, staring at my feet. “I accept.”

“Excellent!” Death crowed. It bit into the soul, roughly shaking and shoving it back into the body on the ground. “I have other places to be now, but I expect you’ll see me sometime soon.”

It appeared directly in front of me, faster than I could ever hope to follow, grabbing my jaw and angling it towards itself. “Don’t ignore me.” Its voice was deeper, each word slowly emphasized. The tension in the air could be cut with a knife. The worms in its head were still.

I made a noise of assent, it crawling out of my throat from sheer terror.

Death took a step back. “Thank you very much. I look forward to our next meeting.”

It vanished, silence stretching out while my shellshocked mind sputtered to life. With a gasp, the dead man awoke. I began to cry in earnest.

Thanks for reading  :) I don't really know how to continue it, but from here I plan to make Rashid become Death's unwilling apprentice as he slowly discovers more abilities and slowly comes to learn more about Death

Review My Poetry / Re: Embracing Imbalance
« on: May 18, 2017, 01:51:34 PM »
Thanks :)

Review My Poetry / Re: Poetry about poetry
« on: April 25, 2017, 01:14:54 PM »
That's a good idea :) Thanks!

Oh, and the reason why duck couldn't find meter or rhythm is because I don't know anything about them or how to write it

Review My Poetry / Re: No working title
« on: April 14, 2017, 09:42:47 PM »
(In my opinion the one percenter's scheme part is very easy to understand, so the vagueness or confusion level may vary by reader)

Review My Poetry / Re: Poetry about poetry
« on: April 14, 2017, 09:00:36 AM »
Thanks to both of you :) Currently I've made a new ending, but I'll wait a few days before editing it.

All the Write Questions / Re: Script Writing
« on: April 12, 2017, 09:26:10 AM »
Thank you :)

Writing Games & Challenges / Re: the last person to post here wins
« on: April 11, 2017, 09:27:22 PM »
Conversations like these make me feel young because I am.

All the Write Questions / Script Writing
« on: April 11, 2017, 09:13:50 PM »
Best tips or advice for anyone considering writing one? What makes a script good? How do you come up with ideas?

(I'm just thinking of questions that may be helpful to myself and others, feel free to answer however many questions you would like.)

Thanks :)

Review My Poetry / Re: final copy of poem
« on: April 11, 2017, 09:04:05 PM »
It's still good! It's got emotion that you can feel, and proper punctuation! Yay! I like it :)

By the way, it's recommended/advised to post 3 reviews of other's poems for each poem you post. It's just cool to repay when other people review your work.

Review My Poetry / Poetry about poetry
« on: April 11, 2017, 06:53:03 PM »
Another school assignment. I'd like to hear some thoughts on it. I don't have a title. Couldn't really think of an ending.

Certain poets spend time and sanity crafting creative lines,
watching rhythm and repeating rhymes,
immersed in the beautiful imagery developing in the dark rooms of their minds.

Syllabic soliloquies, sonnets, and songs,
each pulling the reader along,
like a siren's call leading sailors into the fog.

Words flow like water out their lips
from an endless catalog of synonyms and quips
as the dazzling diction practically drips.

The end is tied up into a fabulous bow,
the poem polished to perfection with a consistent tone,
emotion and climax leaving the reader breathless and alone.

Review My Poetry / Re: Unrequitted Love
« on: April 11, 2017, 05:56:41 PM »
Psst it's expected that you post 3 reviews before you post poems.

Either way:

This is fine. I'd use more poetic devices like imagery or alliteration, just to elevate the diction. It's a bit too short for me to have that many thoughts about it, but the poem is fine. I like the comparisons.

Review My Poetry / Re: No working title
« on: April 11, 2017, 05:44:54 PM »
Small things:
I presume you meant "disguised" on the first line
The rhythm is a little off, but it's not bad

Overall, I like this! Can't much help with a title, but I do recommend adding punctuation like periods to make reading the poem aloud easier.

Good job!

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