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Messages - Michael Edits

Pages: [1] 2 3 4 ... 88
1
The Coffee Shop / Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« on: Yesterday at 11:53:17 AM »
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

2
The Coffee Shop / Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« on: June 16, 2018, 09:15:47 AM »
Went out last night for Halloween dressed as a chicken
Met a girl dressed as an egg.
A lifelong question was answered.

3
The Coffee Shop / Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« on: June 16, 2018, 09:11:13 AM »
Alan and Lorraine lived on a cove on Osoyoos Lake in British Columbia. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Lorraine if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer. She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Lorraine, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove. When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store.  Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Alan replied, "Well, Lorraine, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was."

4
The Coffee Shop / Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« on: June 12, 2018, 08:32:56 AM »
Where do pirates park their cars?
In a gAAARRRage!

5
The Coffee Shop / Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« on: June 10, 2018, 07:15:31 AM »
Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

6
The Coffee Shop / Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« on: June 02, 2018, 02:44:18 PM »
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"

7
The Coffee Shop / Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« on: June 02, 2018, 07:41:05 AM »
So I'm looking at all this gluten-free food in the world and thinking I'll need to start carrying my own shaker full of gluten to add to everything.

8
The Coffee Shop / Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« on: June 02, 2018, 07:01:06 AM »
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

9
The Coffee Shop / Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« on: June 01, 2018, 09:19:39 PM »
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote the Hokey-Pokey, died peacefully at home. He was 93. LaPrise's funeral was private, attended mostly by family and close acquaintances. The most traumatic part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in...and then the trouble started.

10
The Coffee Shop / Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« on: May 28, 2018, 10:01:27 AM »
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

11
The Coffee Shop / Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« on: May 27, 2018, 10:40:40 AM »
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

12
The Coffee Shop / Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« on: May 21, 2018, 05:36:00 PM »
A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer figured that he was going deaf. He wouldn't come when she called. When she took him out for a walk he wouldn't heel like he had been taught to do. As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn't looking and she called him, he acted like he didn't hear her at all. So she took him to the vet.

The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. He told the lady, "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has too much hair growing in his ears. Just get some Nair or Neet and put that in his ears and it'll fix him right up."

So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice.

"How do I apply this product? Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"

The druggist said, "For your legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water."

She said, "I don't think that you understand. It's for my schnauzer."

"In that case, dilute it 3 to 1 with water and don't ride a bicycle for a few days."

13
The Coffee Shop / Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« on: May 19, 2018, 11:00:24 PM »
What does the clock do when it's hungry? Go back for seconds.

14
The Coffee Shop / Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« on: May 18, 2018, 03:20:11 PM »
When you get along with another writer, does that mean you're on the same page?

15
The Coffee Shop / Re: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
« on: May 16, 2018, 07:42:26 PM »
Bread jokes are the best because they never get mold.

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