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The Coffee Shop => The Coffee Shop => Topic started by: Stupot on March 17, 2007, 08:05:52 PM

Title: The Crap Joke Thread / Adult Content
Post by: Stupot on March 17, 2007, 08:05:52 PM
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I read a joke today that had me groaning for about 10 minutes solidly afterwards.
I thought I'd share it with you guys. Then I thought why not dedicate an entire thread to those jokes which are not so funny, but have you groaning with a kind of reluctant respect for their cheesyness and charm.

Here's the one that started it.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him:

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I told you it was crap.

Next:
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 19, 2007, 07:29:51 PM
Rather appropriately for a 'crap' joke thread...

Q:  What's brown and sticky?

A:  A stick.

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 19, 2007, 08:22:18 PM
        Just a couple of snippets - all I recall - from a piece about a man who wanted to avoid National Service.  Let's just call him Tommy for convenience

        When Tommy was called up he went along like a good little British Citizen and caused only a small ripple when he wrote 'Literalist' in the space allowed for religion.  When queried about this he replied, "It just means that I take everything literally.  If you say Jump I'll jump, if you say Sit, I'll sit...."

        On the face of it this made him a perfect soldier, so they accepted his odd religion in good faith.

        First time out on the drill square the Sergeant bellowed 'Parade, 'Shun!"

        Tommy just swiftly doubled away, only to return promptly when the Sergeant called him back.

        "Just what are you are doin', you 'orrible little man?"

        "Shunning the parade, Sir.  As in avoiding all contact with it, Sir."  Tommy explained his 'religious' leanings.

        After several similar incidents, with Tommy trotting back and forth as regularly as a metronome, the Sergeant watched him walking away into the distance and decided not to call him back.

        "Stand at, Hayes!"  He bellowed before dismissing the others and going to consult his superiors.

        For three whole days Tommy was missing, reported as AWOL, until a member of the public reported a man in uniform who had been stood - unmoving since stepping down from the train - on a railway platform for nearly three days.

        The Military Police collected him from the then small town of Hayes, in Middlesex, and took him back to camp.  After a short and vigorous interview his papers were marked as 'Mentally Unsuitable for Armed Service' and Tommy returned to 'Civvy Street'.


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Leigh on March 19, 2007, 09:23:20 PM
Sometimes you have to let your mind relax, with a little sophmoric humor: While reading a joke book with my almost ten-year old, this one left me in hysterics-

Q: What did the teacher say when she lost her pencil?

A:  'Where's my pencil?'


And also this one:

Joe: 'Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?'
Mo: 'No, really?'
Joe: 'Yeah, great food, but no atmosphere.'

Sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!  :D ;D :P

You did say 'crap joke', though.....

Leigh
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 19, 2007, 09:44:36 PM
A doctor, doing his morning rounds through the hospital, reaches for a pen to make some comment on a patient's notes, but instead finds a thermometer there.

"Damn, some bum's got my pen!"

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DC on March 19, 2007, 09:54:14 PM
Medical researchers have discovered that Diarrhoea is hereditary... It runs in your Jeans.

Sorry, but it is 'in thread'...

Dave.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DC on March 19, 2007, 10:15:34 PM
A Chicken goes in to the library, and after some time searching the shelves, selects a book. It takes the book, leaps up on to the counter, and says loudly to the librarian: 'BUK' The librarian stamps the book, and the chicken leaves with it.

The next day the Chicken returns, this time it selects two books. It leaps on to the counter; 'BUK BUK' it says. The librarian stamps them and the chicken leaves.

On the third day the Chicken selects three books. 'BUK BUK BUK' it says to the librarian, again the books are stamped, and the chicken leaves. As it it going out of the door, it passes a frog on his way in.

'BUK BUK BUK' says the Chicken

The Frog replies: 'Readit, Readit, Readit.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Leigh on March 19, 2007, 10:20:20 PM
Patient: 'I have a terrible problem, Doctor. I keep losing my memory.'

Doctor: 'How long have you had this problem?'

Patient: 'What problem?'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Leigh on March 19, 2007, 10:23:24 PM
Mother: 'Doctor, my  son thinks he's a chicken!'

Doctor: 'That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him to see me?'

Mother: 'I would have, but we need the eggs.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 20, 2007, 07:42:14 AM
"My wife's just gone to the West Indies."

"Jamaica?"

"No, she went willingly."


*****

"Where's yer old dog, George?"

"I had to have him put down."

"Was 'e mad?"

"Well... 'E wern't best pleased."

*****

Gyppo


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Allie on March 20, 2007, 11:07:40 AM
Anyone on here old enough to remember those 'What's big and grey with yellow legs' sort of jokes (answer: an elephant standing in custard)? Well, one day a group of us in school got bored and began trying to make up better ones. My twin sister won with this one: What's green and prickly and goes up and down? The answer: a gooseberry in a lift. And guess what? She's just come across it in a book by William Trevor. Fame at last!   ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Lanista on March 20, 2007, 12:13:19 PM
Man goes to the doctors; he has a small tree growing out the top of his head. The doctor is perplexed, and tells the fella to take some general antibiotics and return in a week.

One week later, the man returns. Now he has a small tree and next to it, a minature lake, replete with a family of tiny ducks. The doctor says "I've never seen this condition before. All I can say is that I will do some research - in the meantime, keep taking the pills and come back next week."

The man duly returns a week later. Now he has the small tree, the lake replete with the family of tiny ducks and additionally a park bench has sprouted, just by the lake. The doctor snaps his fingers and looks relieved. "I know what that is," he says. "You've got a beauty spot."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 20, 2007, 03:50:15 PM
Anyone on here old enough to remember those 'What's big and grey with yellow legs' sort of jokes (answer: an elephant standing in custard)?

Ah, the infamous 'What or Whys...' jokes.

What's thick yellow and deadly?
Shark infested custard.

What's thick yellow and deadly without sharks?
School Custard.

Why does an elephant paint the bottom of its feet yellow?
For camouflage whilst swimming upside down in custard.

Why does an elephant paint its toenails pink?
For camouflage whilst hiding in Cherry trees.

Why must yiu never cross the desert between two and three in the afternoon?
Because that's when the elephants do their parachute training.

Why have crocodiles got flat backs?
Because they cross the desert btween two and three in the afternoon.

And just to prove that school jokes are still alive and well.  A young girl on my postal delivery asked me...

"Postman, where can you find a dog with no legs?"
"No idea."
"Wherever you left it."

And also, before I drag myself - gasping and floundering - from this cloying pool of nostalgia...

"What do you call a Deer with no eyes?"
"No idea."
"Correct!"

Gyppo



 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Allie on March 20, 2007, 03:56:01 PM
Excellent dose of nostalgia, Gyppo. I actually hadn't heard some of those before. I'm struggling to remember a joke crap enough to put on here.  :)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Allie on March 20, 2007, 04:11:56 PM
Okay, here's mine, at last:

How does a snowman get to work?

By icicle

 ;D

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jeanette on March 20, 2007, 06:01:41 PM
How do you know there's been an elephant in your fridge?

footprints in the butter.

and one for any Scots out there:
A man walks into a bakers and looks at the cakes in the display. He asks the shopkeeper:
'Is that an eclair or a meringue?'
the shopkeeper replies: 'no, you're right, it's an eclair'  :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Leigh on March 20, 2007, 06:04:31 PM

o
r a meringue?'
the shopkeeper replies: 'no, you're right,

LOL!   :D

Love it, Jeanette!! ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jeanette on March 20, 2007, 06:06:22 PM
Hi Leigh, wasn't sure if many folk would get that one. I've had to explain it to my English mates before!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Leigh on March 20, 2007, 06:08:16 PM
Hi Leigh, wasn't sure if many folk would get that one. I've had to explain it to my English mates before!

And me an American! tsk. ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 20, 2007, 07:47:09 PM
Or a  meringue ;-)  Cast me back many years to the bakery foreman who provided a crash course in the understanding of Scots.  "Not sneezing Pepper, Laddie.  Greaseprood pepper!"

If we're doing dialect jokes, here's one borrowed from the Yorkshire writer Gervase Phin(n?).  If you can't read this in a Yorkie accent it won't truly work.

SCENE:  On a bus.

CHILD:  "Look at that watterfall."

MOTHER (being pedantic):  "Weir, Dear."

CHILD (pointing):  "Ovver theer."

Gyppo

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: chillies on March 21, 2007, 03:13:46 AM
quote from Gyppo:

what do you call a deer with no eyes
no idea
correct

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs

still no idea

Ah, the old ones are still the best aren't they?

chillies
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DC on March 21, 2007, 03:29:14 AM
This one works better verbally, so maybe say aloud:

What do you call a Fish without an eye?

'FSH'

What do you call a septic Cat?

'Puss'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Allie on March 21, 2007, 06:08:39 AM
Okay, then, along the same lines as the fish, describe 'water' in eight separate letters:

H I J K L M N O
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Alex F on March 21, 2007, 08:22:34 AM
A Toothless Termite walks into a pub and says... "Is the bartender in?"

That's one of my dad's jokes, took me a while to figure out and then when I did get it I thought it was terrible anyway ???
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: ninian on March 21, 2007, 09:22:08 AM
Quote from: jeanette
How do you know there's been an elephant in your fridge?

footprints in the butter.

How can you fit elephants into a Volkswagen?

Two in the front two in the back.


How can you tell that four elephants have been in your fridge?

There's a Volkswagen parked out front.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: rewh2oman on March 21, 2007, 11:01:43 AM

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Tony Snow said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Cathy C on March 21, 2007, 05:17:05 PM
rewh2oman - that was brilliant!

am still chuckling here. ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: bob414bob on March 21, 2007, 05:30:59 PM
 Q:   What's white and can't climb trees?

A:    A fridge.


Q: Whats white and blue and cant climb trees?

A: A fridge wearing a denim jacket.

I can hear the groans from here.

OK this ones mean but it still made me laugh.

Ah! Heather Mills.
Bless her cotton sock.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: allonby on March 21, 2007, 05:35:46 PM
  Q    What do you call a fella with a seagull on his head
  A    Cliff
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Allie on March 21, 2007, 05:36:45 PM
 ;D

As an antithesis to the crap jokes on here, I've started a thread for our favourite jokes (meaning good ones).
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jeanette on March 21, 2007, 06:04:24 PM
carryong on from Bob's

what's white and sits at the edge of the jungle?
Tarzan's old fridge
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 21, 2007, 06:07:39 PM
;D

As an antithesis to the crap jokes on here, I've started a thread for our favourite jokes (meaning good ones).

There are bound to be some jokes which qualify for both ;-)

Q:  What's green, with 6 wheels, and can be found in a field?
A:  A bus.  I lied about the wheels

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: CarrieSheppard on March 21, 2007, 06:08:08 PM
Two fish in a tank.

One says to the other...

"I can't drive this!"

I have told that on stage.  The result was... groans!  I love this thread!!  Good move!

Mind you, I have paid a dear, dear price for telling bad jokes on stage. Be warned... 'twas near enough to ruin a marriage!!!

Carrie
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: CarrieSheppard on March 21, 2007, 06:10:24 PM
A Norfolk joke.

Fred and Jim was drivin' their tractor down a country road. 

Malcolm, local flash boy, was drivin' his Porsche the other way.

Round the bend comes Malcolm, 75 miles per hour - sees Fred and Jim in their Tractor!  ScreeeeechhH!!!.....

Malcolm turns the wheel and careers off the road, into the field, coming to a muddy, messy stop.

"Ah," says Jim.  "Good thing we wusn't in that field or we'd a' been killded."

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jeanette on March 21, 2007, 06:24:17 PM
Wee Billy is the naughtiest little boy at school, always swearing.
One day the teacher gives the kids a word game. Does anyone know a four letter word beginning with 'F'?'
Wee Billy's hand is straight up. The teacher ignores him.
'Yes, Annie?'
'Frog,' says the lttle girl.
'Very good. Now, does anyone know a seven letter word beginning with 'B'?'
Again, wee Billy's hand reaches for the ceiling.
'What about you, Peter?'
'Bananas,' says the little boy.
'Very good. Now How about a five letter word beginning with 'G'?'
Once more, Billy's hand is stretched high. For the life of her the teacher can't think of a swear word beginning with G so she relents.
'All right Billy.'
'Gnome!' Bily shouts.
'Well done!' the teacher says, relieved. 'And can you tell me what a gnome is, Billy?'
'It's a wee F****** B****** about two foot high!'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Allie on March 21, 2007, 06:49:23 PM
I don't think those last ones are crap jokes, I think they're very good. Okay, so now tell me I've no taste.  ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: CarrieSheppard on March 21, 2007, 06:51:11 PM
Allie - you have no taste.

Happy?


Cx
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Allie on March 21, 2007, 06:55:36 PM
Very happy, Carrie. Now come on over and post your best joke.  :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: CarrieSheppard on March 21, 2007, 07:01:12 PM
Nope!  Saving that for live on stage...
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 21, 2007, 09:05:02 PM
I don't think those last ones are crap jokes, I think they're very good. Okay, so now tell me I've no taste.  ;D

Two cannibals cooking Allie in a large pot over an open fire.  One of them prods the contents with a stick and grumbles to the othe, "Damned if I'm bothering to cook any more writers, they just dissolve away into alphabet soup."

Second cannibal dips a spoon, blows on it, tastes it.  "No bloody taste either."

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Cathy C on March 21, 2007, 09:10:06 PM
Two blonde walk into a bar - you'd think one of them would have seen it.

(Sorry, sorry, ducking here :o)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 21, 2007, 09:16:38 PM
It only takes one drink to get me legless.  Usually the twelfth one.

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 21, 2007, 09:20:37 PM
Really ancient joke.

Two Beatniks sat on a bridge over the River Nile, dangling their feet in the water.

1st Beatnik: "Hey, Man.  A crocodile's just bitten my leg off."

2nd Beatnik:  "Which one?"

1st Beatnik:  "That one over there with the black nose."

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Cathy C on March 21, 2007, 09:33:17 PM
Two blondes walking either side of a lake.

First blonde shouts over to the other one. 'How do you get to the other side?'

Second blonde replies, looking slightly bemused: 'But... but. You're on the other side.'

Ok, ducking for sure here. ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: nassj on March 22, 2007, 04:45:54 AM
I like blonde jokes.  ;)

This morning I was brushing my long hair. As I pulled the brush through my knotted blonde  ;) hair I said, "Ouch, too much hair."

My ten year old son said, "Not as much as Britney Spears, mum."


 :D

I thought it was funny.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: bob414bob on March 22, 2007, 05:20:09 AM
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

We'd better get some support of people will think we're nuts.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: allonby on March 22, 2007, 07:33:34 AM
Whilst renovating an old house, workmen found a dusty old box, on opening it there was a book called
 Irish Dancing
 Part 2
 What to do with your hands ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Stupot on March 22, 2007, 07:55:53 AM
Last night a Midget Fortune-teller escaped from prison.

Police say there is a Small Medium at Large.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: rewh2oman on March 22, 2007, 08:30:04 AM
What is a "forum"?

A two-um plus a two-um.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 22, 2007, 08:37:10 AM
Overheard, two young men talking.

1st Young Man:  "Let's go down the Nurse's Hostel and pick up a couple of girls."

2nd Young Man:  "What?  You mean foursome?"

1st Young Man:  "Well, not unless we have to..."

(Found in an old 1960s College Rag Mag)

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DC on March 22, 2007, 09:15:12 PM
And, somewhat in line with Stupot's opener:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Nick on March 24, 2007, 06:23:17 AM
A ship carrying a load of blue paint collided with another ship carrying red paint. The crews of both ships were marooned...

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: CarrieSheppard on March 24, 2007, 06:26:14 AM
Most of my jokes are shaggy dog stories, requiring a punch line from a willing victim.  So they won't work here.  Instead:

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

Carrie
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: ninian on March 24, 2007, 09:00:52 AM
Q:  What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?

A:  Grapes are purple (remember that)

Q:  What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming down the road?

A:  Here come the elephants.

Q:  What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw the elephants coming down the road?

A:  Voila, les elephants.

Q:  What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming down the road?

A:  Here come the grapes.  (Jane was colour blind.)

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on March 24, 2007, 10:46:25 AM
Why don't females have dirty minds ?

They keep changing them every half hour.



bryan
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: brianfox on March 24, 2007, 12:09:13 PM
A White Horse walks into a bar.

The barman says 'Hey, we've got a drink named after you'

The horse says 'What - Kevin?'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Cathy C on March 24, 2007, 07:38:51 PM
Quest: what do you get hanging from apple trees?

Ans: Sore arms!!!! ::)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 24, 2007, 09:22:24 PM
Or a long neck ;-)

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Stupot on March 24, 2007, 09:56:31 PM
This is crap, but it might appeal to you guys, being wordsmiths and all.

A man was stuck in a cell, with no windows or doors and only a wooden chair for company.
How did he escape?

Well first of all he rubbed his hands together until the were SORE.
Then he took the SAW and cut the chair into two halves.
Then he put it together again.  Two halves ame a WHOLE.
So he climbs through the HOLE and screams at he top of his voice until he becomes HOARSE.
Then he gallops away into the sunset.

Sorry that was really bad... I remeber it from a book I used to have.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Cathy C on March 24, 2007, 10:49:45 PM
Ok, only putting this in here cause hubby is standing over my shoulder insisting I do. ::)

He's just home from the Navan races (his birthday treat) and he heard this 'joke' on the bus.

sorry, in advance.... :-[

Teacher asks her class of 6 year olds to make up a sentence with the word 'lovely' in it.

Adam goes first:

'I saw a cat on my way to school, it was black and white and it was lovely.'

'Very good, Adam,' the teacher says, 'that's excately right - good use of the word - anyone else?'

Anna raises her hand: 'My mother bought me a velvet dress yesterday, the material is very soft and  really 'lovely'

The teacher nods her head, approvingly. 'Good. Good. Anyone else?'

James raises his hand from the back of the class, smiling slyly: 'Me sister came home this mornig and tole me da that she was pregnant... he said 'That's lovely.... that's Fuc**** lovely.'

Sorry, he made me tell it mulord, honest! :'(



Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: nassj on March 25, 2007, 11:35:41 AM
Why did the woman plant  Cherios in her garden?

Because she wanted to grow a donut tree.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: rewh2oman on April 24, 2007, 08:39:29 AM
Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents, Johnny thought for a moment and said:
"Well, George Washington couldn't tell a lie. 
Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. 
And George W. Bush can't tell the difference."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Amie on June 04, 2007, 03:28:41 PM
Just reminded of this one just this minute:

As I've probably mentioned elsewhere on the forum, my family are Armenian.  The other name for Armenia is Hyestan, and Armenians call themselves Hyes (pronounced "Hi").  My Dad, whenever someone would say "Hi" to him, would say, "How did you know?"   ::)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DC on June 05, 2007, 03:31:36 AM
Candy just reminded me of these two...


How did Bob Marley like his Doughnuts?


Wi Jammin...


How did his friends like their Doughnuts?


Not sure, but we hope they liked Jammin too...
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: bob414bob on June 05, 2007, 04:39:26 AM
Okay, this isn't a joke it's a true story a women I met on holiday told me. She was a primary school teacher and had just moved somewhere up north (in UK). All the children there used to say putton instead of the word  put. She set an exercise asking them to rite five sentences with the word put in. One little girl cried out and said "Oh Miss, I've gone and putton putton when I should have putton put."
Bless.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Drow on June 05, 2007, 06:40:58 AM
How can you tell a blonde used your word processor?
Your screen's covered in white-out.

What is red and lies in the roadside?
A dead fire engine.


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on June 05, 2007, 09:56:59 AM
The rather irate Copper caught me doing over 100mph and asked "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

In retrospect "Tearing along the dotted line." probably wasn't a smart answer.


Which leads into this line from a nameless American comedian on TV.  I can't recall the build-up but the cop asked him "Are you some kind of wise guy?"  And he replied, "I do have my moments of clear perception."

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jeanette on June 09, 2007, 03:29:31 AM
A cop pulls over a drunk driver, opens the car door and the man falls out into the street. As he staggers to his feet
the cop yells 'Good God, man! You're so drunk you can hardly walk.'
The drunk replies: 'Why d'you think I took the car.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on June 10, 2007, 06:39:59 PM
         This is known in my family as the Polar Bear Joke, as if there are no others...

        Two Polar Bears (Father and Son) are sitting on an iceberg.

        Son:  "Dad, am I a genuine 100% Polar Bear?"
        Dad:  "Certainly, Son."
        Son:  "No Brown Bear in our family tree is there?"
        Dad:  "No, all Polar Bear."
        Son:  "No Black Bear?  Not even a really distant ancestor?"
        Dad:  "No."  Clearly getting annoyed by these questions.
        Son:  "Not even any Grizzly Bear?"
        Dad:  "No way!  Look, Son, you are 100% pure Polar Bear.  We can trace our ancestry right back to the Great Bear In The Sky.  So let's not hear any more of this nonsense."
        Son:  "Okay, Dad.  Sorry."
        Silence falls for a while and they both sit there staring into the white wastelands as only Polar Bears can, and then the father turns his head back to the little bear.
        Dad:  "Why do you ask, Son?  Have the other bears been teasing you?
        "No.  It's just that my bloody arse is freezing!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: memnoch on June 16, 2007, 04:43:05 AM
why did the bakers hands smell?

He kneaded a poo?

better said that written.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: rewh2oman on July 26, 2007, 09:02:35 AM
President Bush flew over Iraq in Air Force One, saw the devastation and said
  "Don't worry about this, we'll get whoever did this."


Q: What were George W. Bush's three hardest years?
A: Second grade
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Simon on July 26, 2007, 03:04:28 PM
There's a guy named Wan and he's really popular in his small new England town and everyone likes him. People also go up to him and say "hey Wan I like you".

So one day Wan's best friend Joe says "You're really popular you should run for mayor. I mean look at you, your clean and you've got good habits." Wan agrees. "But you're going to need a hook." So they think, and they think and eventually they think "What do people in the town in new England like? Sheep!"

So Wan runs for Mayor. campaign Slogan: I don't smoke, I don't drink, and I'm going to put a healthy sheep in everybody front lawn.

So everyone in this small New England town votes for him. It's unanimous! And Wan makes Joe his deputy Mayor after a few years of being mayor his fame spreads; people from all over New England come to see the healthy sheep.

Anyway Joe says to Wan "you should run for governor" and his campaign slogan is "I don't smoke I don't drink and I'm going to put a healthy sheep in everybody's front yard" so he's elected again unanimously. Soon after being elected the pressure starts to build and he starts drinking just on occasion, but people don't really care, all they care about is the sheep
so Joe says "you should run for The President of the United sates of America," so Wan runs: I don't smoke, and I'm going to put a healthy sheep in everybody's front yard and because Americans love sheep they all vote for Wan
except five. Five Americans vote for somebody else 'cause of the drinking thing.

But as soon as he's elected the pressure gets to him and he starts smoking. The very night of the victory party, in fact,
but the people don't care they have their sheep and a politician who keeps half his promises is refreshing. As his term progresses so he runs his term, and his smoking and drinking get worse and he starts doing Meth and occasionally Heroin
so he runs for his second term: "Well, the thing about me, all you stupid budalafuders care about is the... you bastards...Sheep!!!!!!" cause he's so drunk, and messed up and stuff. But the people apparently don't care, they're hooked on sheep so he's elected only loosing 3 votes. But as soon as he's elected he starts gambling and he's spending so much money on booze, smokes, and Gambling and meth, and herioin, and Chinease finger traps, and fatty foods, and not exercising as much as he really should be, and collectibles. He runs out of money and can't buy the sheep so his best friend Joe (who was Vise president and had been Lieutenant Governor and deputy mayor and his best friend) decides that Wan needs to be killed. So he hires an assassin and the assasin waits in Wan's house behind Wan's door and waits for him to come in and Wan comes in with a bottle of rum in one hand and an a syringe in both arms. So the Assasin, (named Harriatio) pops up and shoots him with a golfing gun.
"What's a golfing gun?" you ask... You're meant to ask.

I don't know what a golfing gun is but it sure put a hole in Wan
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on July 26, 2007, 03:49:14 PM
A teenage boy staying with his Gran comes downstairs looking worried and says, "Gran?  Have you seen my pills.  They're in a little bottle which I labelled LSD just for a laugh."

And Gran replies...

"To hell with your pills, have you seen the dragons in the bloody kitchen?
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on July 26, 2007, 03:50:35 PM
Knock, Knock !

Who's there ?

I'm a pile-up !

I'm a pile-up who ?



Well it is the crap joke thread
bryan
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Simon on July 26, 2007, 05:00:55 PM
A: Knock Knock

B: Who's there?

A: Fire

B: Fire Who?... Fire who? (burns to death)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on July 26, 2007, 06:37:08 PM
Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

"DEATH!"

"DEATH wh..."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on July 27, 2007, 02:21:57 PM
Mother Superior Mary Baloney and the young novice Sister Teresa of the Holy Order of the Perpetual Virginity where driving long distance across the desert. The Mother Superior had been driving all day, so as to not break up the journey she asked young novice Sister Teresa to  get behind the wheel for a while.Then the Mother Superior could take a much needed nap as they continue on their way across the lonely desert.
  The young novice was driving now well into the night with  Mother Superior fast in sleep besides her when suddenly ...WAM  !! BAM !! right there ahead  of them, on the front of the car, appeared the devil himself  all slimey and drooling on the front window glass.  The young novice slammed the brakes on, the car screeching to a halt, and she shouted anxiously to The Mother Superior , who was now fully awake:
"Mother Superior , Mother Superior ! what should  I do ?"
"Quickly ! quickly !  show him your cross, show him your cross".
So the young lass wound down the car window, stuck her head out and shouted , "Get off our car you smelly ass revolting little shit... you horrible you....you .... get the hell outta here ....aaarrrgh !
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on August 04, 2007, 04:27:40 PM
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it's to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
 Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this kid's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and I'll get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
 Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb $hit, it's Tony Blair!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: matsamu on August 06, 2007, 04:30:02 PM
Ok....
1.What's the difference between an Oral thermometer, and a rectal thermometer?

hehe...the taste...


2. What's the difference between a brown nose and a brown face?

Depth Perception

Yeah, it's the crap joke thread
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: todhunter on August 06, 2007, 05:27:38 PM
In England back in the old days there used to be small containers on the bar that held snuff, for free, which the customers could take with their drinks.
One day the landlord said to old Jack, who always sat in the same corner with his pint. "Jack, I've run out of snuff, pop down to the tobacconist and get me £2 worth and I'll give you a free pint." Old Jack duly obliged and went along the street to the tobacconist shop.
It was a scorching hot day and on his way there Jack noticed a piece of dogshit in the road which had dried hard in the sun, he put some in his pocket and continued on his way.
At the tobacco shop he bought just £1 worth of snuff, then on the way back to the pub he mixed in an equal amount of dogshit into the snuff so it looked like £2 worth.
When he got back he gave it to the landlord. Jack sat back in his chair with his free pint and a £1 in his pocket as pleased as punch.  The landlord then distributed the snuff into the containers for his customers as usual.
The first customer comes in, orders a pint of bitter and takes a pinch of snuff. "Bloody hell, there's a smell of shit in this bar" he says. "Oi, I'll have none of that, this bar is spotless, me and the wife clean this place from the crack of dawn" says the landlord.  Second customer then comes in and orders his pint and he too takes some snuff. "Bloody hell, there's a smell of shit in this bar" he shouts. The landlord is getting pretty annoyed by now and tells them all to lift up their shoes, "One of you lot must have stood in some", he says. Everyone checks their shoes but they are all clean. Then a third customer comes in and the landlord says, "You, before you do anything, can you smell shit in this bar?" The customer has a good sniff around and says, "No, can't smell a thing" (to the landlords relief).  He then orders his pint and takes a pinch of snuff. "Bloody hell landlord, that's good snuff" he says, "I can smell the shit now."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on August 06, 2007, 06:03:25 PM
What do you call a man wearing a raincoat?
Mac!
What do you call a man with a large raincoat?
Big Mac!
What do you call a man with two raincoats in a cemetery?
Max Bygraves!

And after all that what do you call a woman standing between 2 goal posts?
Annette!


 ::)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: rewh2oman on August 06, 2007, 06:44:47 PM
Q: What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
A: Dam!

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two idiots were trying to light a fire. The first one couldn't get the match to light, and the second one said, "That's strange, it lit this morning."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: todhunter on August 07, 2007, 04:57:31 AM
A man who is sick and tired of his wife constantly nagging him wants her killed. He goes to see Archie, the village idiot. "Archie, I'll pay you to kill my wife, how much do you want?"  Archie thinks for a minute and says £1 will do. The man happily gives Archie £1 and tells him his wife works at the fruit and veg shop in the village, and will be there tomorrow. The next day the village idiot goes to the fruit and veg shop looking for the wife, but when he arrives there are four women in the shop and Archie doesn't know which one is the wife, so he decides to strangle all four of them.
The headline next day in the local paper reads....

"Veg shop scandal, Archie chokes four for a pound".
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Conanthedoylarian on August 07, 2007, 10:40:39 AM
The boss scans the office and sees that old faithful, Bob, is missing.

"Anyone know where Bob is?"

"No boss, he hasn't come in today."

Boss goes back into his private office and phones Bob's home.  A very quiet, little girl's voice answers.

"Is your dad there please?"

"Yes," is the almost silent reply.

"Can I speak to him?"

"No."

"Well, can I speak to your mum please?"

"No. She's with the policemen."

Worried now, and wondering what Bob's got into, the boss continues.

"What are the policemen there for?"

"They came in a helicopter."

Really worried now he asks

"What are they doing?"

"Searching."

Getting a bit impatient he raises his voice.

"What are they searching for?"

"Quiet.  Me."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: todhunter on August 08, 2007, 05:59:55 AM
No P.C. here.

A guy with a huge hump like Quasimodo is on his way to the pub one night to meet his friends. He is a bit behind time so decides to take a shortcut through the graveyard.

As he makes his way along the creepy path the Devil jumps up from behind a gravestone and roars, "What are you doing in my graveyard?" The guy, shaking with fear, stutters,|I, I, was just taking a shortcut to the pub." 

"Is that a hump you've got?" Shouts the Devil.  "y,yes",  he says nervously.  With that, the Devil swipes the hump clean off his back. The guy hurries on to the pub, walking straight for the first time in his life and tells his friends of the great news.

Another man with a club foot is listening close by.  He thinks for a minute then leaves the pub and makes his way to the graveyard.

On his way along the creepy path the devil jumps from behind a gravestone and shouts, "What are you doing in my graveyard?"
The man answers right away, "I was just taking a shortcut to the pub."

"Is that a club foot you've got?" The devil shouts. "Yes", says the man.
The Devil slaps his back and says, "Here, here's a hump as well."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on September 16, 2007, 06:17:58 PM
As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.

Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says

"Hi, my name is Tony and I'm driving a f**king gritter!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: rewh2oman on September 19, 2007, 10:52:32 AM
In honor of "International Talk Like a Pirate Day"
which is today  ;D

Q: why didnt the pirate go to the movies?
A: because it was rated aarrrrrrrrrahhhhh.

Q: What kind of socks do Pirates wear??
A: Arrrrgyle

Q: What did the pirate say to the snowman in the forest?
A: Shiver me timbers
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DGSquared on October 14, 2007, 07:42:55 PM
Cheesy crap you say? Here are some oldies but moldies from the books unpublished department that seem to fit in here.

Antlers in the Tree Tops by WhoGoosed D'Moose

Behind the Bleachers
by Seemore Butts

Yellow River
by I.P. Freely

Trip to the Bathroom by Willie Makeit
Illustrated by Betty Wont



Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: matsamu on October 16, 2007, 10:13:19 PM
In honor of "International Talk Like a Pirate Day"
which is today  ;D

Q: why didnt the pirate go to the movies?
A: because it was rated aarrrrrrrrrahhhhh.

Q: What kind of socks do Pirates wear??
A: Arrrrgyle

Q: What did the pirate say to the snowman in the forest?
A: Shiver me timbers



You're missing one...

Why didn't the Pirate go Miniture golfing?

Because he was having too much fun in the Arrrcade
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DGSquared on October 17, 2007, 12:07:33 AM
Read this one out loud.



How To Catch a Polar Bear


Cut a hole in the ice.

Get some peas and sprinkle them around the edge of the of the hole.

When the polar bear comes to take a pea,

kick him in the ice-hole. ;D




As told by my 8 year old son who heard it from his Uncle Joe. :o
Thanks Joe.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on October 17, 2007, 05:10:25 AM

When the polar bear comes to take a pea,

kick him in the ice-hole. ;D

As told by my 8 year old son who heard it from his Uncle Joe. :o
Thanks Joe.

That's what Uncles are for ;-)

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: matsamu on October 17, 2007, 05:06:05 PM
Yea!!! I'm a new uncle! as of april, but still...anyway...


Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

Cuz she couldn't control her pupils

OR

She accidentally dotted her t's
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on October 17, 2007, 07:40:12 PM
Yea!!! I'm a new uncle! as of april, but still...anyway...


If you ever reach the heady status of 'Great Uncle' you're allowed - no, expected - to be even more outrageous.  provided of course you've already achieved the status of  'my Crazy Uncle'.  Some uncles - sadly - don't even try and live up to expectations.  But seeing as you're a 'performer' anyway you're almost guaranteed to be a good uncle ;-)

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: matsamu on October 17, 2007, 09:24:15 PM
I am planning on being the "crazy uncle." I know for sure that my brother isn't gonna do it. he's a little more....reserved? laid back?...boring...nah...i "wouldn't" say that, but hey...he's good for some stuff...like he's a chef! Oh dear god...this is wierd...a narrarator just popped up in my computer and started to speak random words into my speakers...odd...

Anyway: Crap joke time!

Why can't a girl go to her brother for help?

Because he can't be a brother and ASSIST-HER at the same time. (read aloud and you'll get it.)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DGSquared on November 27, 2007, 02:40:38 AM
I was looking for this thread.  Here's one that fits perfectly. This one from my hilarious mother. :-* Love ya Mom.



Three Women in a Hot Tub

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
 
One young woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly.
 
"That was my pager," She said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

*

A few minutes later, a phone rang.
 
The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That
was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

*

The older woman felt very low - tech.  Not to be outdone she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
 
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.


The older woman finally said,........."Well, will you look at that.... I'm getting a fax!!"

 


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Smurf on November 27, 2007, 05:39:20 AM
As a contribution to the pirate sub-topic:

Q: What did the octagenarian pirate say?

A: Aye matey!

(Try saying it with a piratical accent...it doesn't get better, but it does make sense...honest)


And my other favourite:

Q: Why are there no painkillers in the jungle?

A 'Cos the parrots 'et 'em ol

Well, everyone else was telling worse ones...
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: rewh2oman on February 20, 2008, 04:40:07 PM
Why don't skeletons fight each other?

Because they don't have the guts.  ;D

(I had to share. my little girl told me that one)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: CollegeGuy on February 20, 2008, 06:55:00 PM
Here is my favorite joke of all time. It's so bad, you'll want to tell it to everyone. I've told versions that are about a half hour long, because that's part of it (you'll see why) but I'll give you the cut down version...so when you tell it, be very enthuastic!

John was a very regular man. He worked in an office building in a regular cubical and lived in a regular apartment in a regular city with regular people. He was lonely, but one day his dreams came true.

On a bullitin board at work, there were tickets to a circus that was coming to town. John instantly grew excited and noticed that the circus wouldn't be in town until three months from now, at the last day in July.

May passed by so slow, and he couldn't wait to go.
June was even worse, as the anticipation grew.
July seemed like it was standing still, but the day finally came.

He wore his favorite clothes, took an extra long shower, and rented the nicest car. Today was John's day. He sat in the front row and was smiling before it even started. He saw the elephants that looked larger than anything he'd ever seen. He saw lions growl and trapeeze artists fly high in the air. he saw flames and torches and jugglers and everything that could have made him happy. then the final act came out, and it was Bobo the clown. Bobo asked for a volunteer and John knew today was his day. he raised his hand higher than the rest and sure enough he was picked. The clown sat him in the middle of the ring and asked him a few questions.
"John, are you the horse's ears?"
John was perplexed..."...no?"
"Are you the horse's eyes?"
"...no?" still confused.
then the clown turned to him and shouted "THEN YOU MUST BE THE HORSE'S ASS!"
the crowd burst into laughter and John was left to go home deeply embarassed and saddened. He knew he had to get that damn Bobo back.

August and September passed, and John had no idea what he was going to do.
October brought little to the plan of payback.
November and December were oh so very fruitless.
January made progress. He started to think of a good plan.
February and March were the best months yet, the plan was almost perfect.
April was a time to fine-tune the plan. he had it down pretty well by now.
In May he got the same tickets and began to wait. The Plan was set and he went over it thousands of times every day.
June and July were so slow, but it was enough time for him to make the plan even better. Bobo was going to pay for ruining John's best day.

Finally the circus came. John wore the same clothes, took the same car, and sat in the same seat. This time his expression was bland. . He saw the elephants, but they looked the same. He saw lions growl and trapeeze artists fly high in the air, but it wasn't so impressive anymore. he saw flames and torches and jugglers and everything that could have made him happy last year, but it didn't bring about any emotion this time. then the final act came out, and it was Bobo the clown again. The plan was about to be hatched. Bobo once again needed a volunteer and John knew he was going to be picked. Sure enough he was. Bobo sat him in the same seat and asked him the same questions.

"John, are you the horse's ears?"
John was calm "no, I'm certainly not the horse's ears"
"Are you the horse's eyes?"
"Absolutely not. I am NOT the horse's eyes"
then the clown turned to him and began to shout "THEN YOU MUST BE--"
John lept to his feet and yelled back "FUCK YOU CLOWN!"

The plan was perfect, he got Bobo back.




So tell this joke, because it's so funny to tell and observe people's reactions to :D

~~Collegeguy~~
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: shellie_baby on February 21, 2008, 06:39:13 PM
here's a joke,

3 men are stranded on a island and before they know it they have been captured by cannibals.

The cannibals are about to kill the men when one reasons, "well if we're going to die we may as well have a last request."
The cannibal's leader reluctantly agrees.

The first man is picked out,
"my final request is a good meal." he says and indeed they give him food. Then they kill him, eat his insides and turn the rest of him into a canoe.

The second man is picked out,
"my final request is alcohol." he asks and indeed they give him a great amount of alcohol, before killing him, eating his insides and turning the rest of him into a canoe.

The final man is brought forward,
"My final request is a fork," he says the cannibals are confused but indeed they fetch him a fork.
To which the man begins to manically stab himself with the fork yelling,

"YOU'RE NOT TURNING ME INTO A BLOODY CANOE!!"

-sorry but I find it quite funny.   
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DC on February 21, 2008, 08:25:38 PM
I might have asked this before; but what's Red and invisible?



























No Tomatoes...

Right, where's me coat..?
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DC on February 21, 2008, 08:33:11 PM
Did you know the Biologists have proved that Diarrhoea is hereditary?















...it runs in your Jeans....

Still not found my coat...
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on February 21, 2008, 08:36:02 PM
No tomatoes ;-)

Reminds me of a picture I took a while back.

If you don't want any plates, here's the place to go...  It's official ;-)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DGSquared on March 20, 2008, 06:24:09 PM
Q What do you call two octopuses that look exactly alike?






A I-tentacle twins!



Just now, while looking over my shoulder, my eight year old asked, "What is the Crap Joke Thread?'

My thirteen year old glanced over and said, "It's for jokes about poop."

See, the joke here is that the " literal theme" never occurred to me. ::)

That, my friends, is what I call blonde to the bone.  :P ;D

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 20, 2008, 07:11:08 PM
Not a joke as such, but rather appropriate...

My daughter and I discovered a rather nice little coffee shop the other day.  The food, drink, and service was excellent.  Afterwards I went into what they coyly labelled 'The Little Room.  Once again it was clean and tidy, and with a pile of proper fluffy white towels to dry your hands instead of scabby disposable paper things in a dispenser.

The walls were covered with light grey tiles - almost white - some of which bore the names of the various coffees they served, written in a fancy script.  Some of the tiles also had a raised pattern of little ceramic coffee beans.  The ones with individual beans looked like coffee beans, but the one with a pile of beans, situated right next to the toilet, looked for all the world as if someone had flung a handful of crap against the tiles.  I guess the location helped trigger the visceral response ;-)

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DGSquared on March 20, 2008, 07:18:19 PM
Gives new meaning to grinding the beans, doesn't it?


I'm sorry. That was crude. I don't know what's gotten into me today.  :o
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: midnightcandle on March 21, 2008, 06:28:26 PM
A man walks into a pub with a roll of tarmac under his arm. 'barman, give me two pints. One for me and one for the road'.

A man takes his rottweiller to the vets for his annual jab. Vet picks up the dog. "I'm sorry sir but I'm going to have to put your dog down." man starts crying. "Why, is there anything wrong?" "No" says the vet, "he's heavy".

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 21, 2008, 09:05:29 PM
A lady opens her refrigerator and sees a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied:

"This is a Westinghouse isn't it?"

The lady replied:

"Yes it is."

"Well," the rabbit said,

"I'm westing."

Happy Easter Everyone
[/i][/b]
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on April 07, 2008, 03:49:26 PM
It was sunday morning at the pearly gates of heaven and there in line were the recently deceased Dolly Parton and the Queen of England amongst others.
Dolly was up first and St.Peter asked why she should enter heaven, what had she done for the benefit of humanity.Well Dolly exposed her ample cleaverage and stated that these fine gifts from God had brought plenty of pleasure to many and were good examples that God had looked upon her favourably in life.
Great, said St.Peter, but i'm not too sure that gets you passed.Who's next ?
Her majesty came up to the front , dropped her voluminous briefs and sat on the nearby loo,  did a number, recomposed her clothing and flushed the loo.
Excellent your Highness, comment St.Peter, you can carry on in.
Well Dolly lost her trolley and complained bitterly as to why the queen should get in before her and just for doing that.
Excuse me ma'am, explained St.Peter, but even in heaven a royal flush beats a pair, no mattter how big the pair.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on April 07, 2008, 03:54:37 PM
Been digging in the archives again, no idea where this came from...

        This really shouldn't be funny, but...  How would you react under these circumstances?

        Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

        Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.

        Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

        Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

        His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: midnightcandle on April 07, 2008, 05:26:07 PM
A moth goes to the doctors.
Doctor says ' how can i help you?'
'i've got a headache' said the moth.
'the vet is next door , why did you come to me?'
'I saw your light on.'
 :'( :'( :'(
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 07, 2008, 09:08:18 PM
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.  His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started in on him, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?  Where have you been?  Dinner is cold, and I'm not reheating it.'  And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long, hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.  The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.  Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.  As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: midnightcandle on April 08, 2008, 12:15:00 AM
I like that one. LOL

What do you call an chicken in a shell suit?
an egg.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 09, 2008, 03:29:17 AM
STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?" asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration "Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it."

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DGSquared on April 12, 2008, 10:39:49 PM
So this pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to his crotch.

The bartender looks at him and says, "What in the heck is that mate?"

The pirate said, "Arg! It's me ship's wheel and it's drivin' me nuts."





Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on April 13, 2008, 05:37:54 PM
Q:  Where can you find a dog with no legs?

A:  Wherever you left it.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DGSquared on April 13, 2008, 05:38:52 PM
Q:  Where can you find a dog with no legs?

A:  Wherever you left it.

What if his name is Scooter? ;)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on April 13, 2008, 05:45:34 PM
Not my problem :-)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Solitaire on April 13, 2008, 05:50:48 PM
Another pirate walks into the bar wearing a roll of paper towels instead of a bandanna.

Bartender warns the patrons:  "Look out for that'n mateys, he's got a Bounty on his head. 


P.S. Firefly--I am going to send that one about the Hind-Lick maneuver to my sister.  She will laugh until she cries or does something worse   :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 13, 2008, 08:21:43 PM
 


P.S. Firefly--I am going to send that one about the Hind-Lick maneuver to my sister.  She will laugh until she cries or does something worse   :D

No worries, the worse the joke, the harder we seem to laugh thats for sure.   ;D ;D ;D. Heres another one.

The cremated husband.  

Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. 'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?

I bought it with the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money !'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while racing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me?
Bought it too, with the insurance money!'

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, 'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?'

'Here it comes'





Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on April 13, 2008, 11:40:59 PM
Someone sent me this yesterday...

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after  playing in the playground during their break time.The teacher says to  the first child "Hello Becky, what have you been doing this  playtime?"

Becky replies "I have been playing in the sand box."

"Very good" says the teacher '"If you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard,  I will give you a biscuit."

Becky  writes 's a n d' on the  blackboard. "Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The  teacher then says "Freddie, what have you been doing in your  playtime?"

Freddie replies "Playing with Becky in the sand box."

"Very good" says the teacher. "If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard,  I will also give you a biscuit."

Freddie writes 'b o x' on  the blackboard.  'Very good" says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says "Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''

"No" replies Mohammed, "I wanted to, but they  would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand  at me and calling me nasty names."

"Oh dear" says the teacher. "That sounds like blatant racial  discrimination to me - I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit."

(I first heard this joke about forty years ago.  Only the names and race have have changed.)

Gyppo

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Solitaire on April 16, 2008, 05:09:00 PM
They gets worser by the day:

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 19, 2008, 06:13:23 AM


 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life!, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at
the pub with a toast about you, Mary."


She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on April 19, 2008, 06:31:31 AM
Magic, Fire-Fly.

You've just provided the joke to go with one of my collection of orphaned punchlines, collected other the years when I've arrived at a conversation in time to miss everthing but the last line.

There's a similar joke about a vicar - slightly inebriated to calm his nerves - giving a talk entitled  Fellatio -  A sin or a Blessing? to the 'Young Wives Group'.  This went down very well (pun not intended but what the hell...)

On returning home, feeling a little more sober, he felt a little embarrassed and told his wife he'd given a talk about sailing.

The next day one of the Young Wives met his wife and told her how much she'd enjoyed the vicars talk.

"I'm rather surprised" said his wife.  "We've only ever tried it twice.  The first time he was violently sick, and the second time his hat blew off!"

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 19, 2008, 06:44:25 AM
Thanks Gyppo, I've done nothing but giggle all night and your joke was no exception.  Heres another. ;D


A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her
new outfit before going out. She posed this way and that before her
husband, who looked on with disinterest, then remarked, "Your bum is the
size of a 3-burner barbecue!"

Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed he lent over, tapped her
on the shoulder, and said, "How bout it? She replied "No thanks, It's
not worth firing up the whole Barbecue for half a sausage!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DGSquared on April 19, 2008, 07:15:12 PM
Malapropisms, Spoonerisms or Freudian Slips

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DC on April 20, 2008, 03:34:15 AM
UPSET WIFE

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!" And he replied:

"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began:

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."

He took a quick breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said
'"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on April 21, 2008, 09:08:23 AM
I can't recall who sent me this but I'm told it comes from an ad found in the Australian Canberra Times , Personals Section;

Wanted

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation , who can cook frogs
legs , who appreciates a good fuc-
shia garden , classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious .

Interested ? Then please only read
lines 1 , 3 and 5 ; still Interested ?
Call me at ...... 850-0327
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: matsamu on April 21, 2008, 11:19:37 AM
I love this joke…my dad has recently made a habit of telling me odd dirty jokes, so here’s one of my favorites:


A young boy was searching his sister’s room, as young boys will do, looking for nothing in particular, when suddenly he heard the door slam. His sister was home and with a boyfriend. The boy, scared and freaking out at the prospect of his sister finding him snooping through his room ducked quickly into the closet. From his quiet hiding place he witnessed his sister begin to get intimate with the man, really getting into it. Just as suddenly as before, the door slammed downstairs. His father was home. The boyfriend did the same as the boy, ducking into the closet, and the boy saw a golden opportunity.
“Sure is dark in here,” he said.
“Shut up kid,” the man said. “Shut up! What do you want?”
“Give me $50 or I’ll scream!” the boy said.
“Fine,” the man said, grudgingly relieving his money.

A few weeks went by and the boy started to feel guiltier and guiltier about the money he finagled from his sister’s lover. He decided his only option was to confess. The next chance he got, he entered the confession booth at the local Catholic Church.
The young boy looked around the booth, and muttered to himself, “Sure is dark in here…”
“Don’t you start that shit again!” came the voice from the other booth.

~Matsamu

(I’d post more, but some have vocal inflection that I can’t really do online…funny though…)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Wurdsmyth on April 22, 2008, 09:11:32 AM
A little boy has been really naughty all year and Christmas is fast approaching. In a last-ditch effort to get him to behave, his Mum says, "Jimmy, you've been so naughty that I don't think Santa will come to see you this year. The only way you can hope to get some presents is if you ask Jesus to make you a good boy. Then, if you're good between now and Christmas, you'll get some presents."

So little Jimmy takes this on board. Every morning he kneels by his bed and prays, "Dear Jesus, please make me into a good boy." But no matter how hard he prays, he can't resist being naughty through the day.

Finally, the day before Christmas Eve, Jimmy decides to take drastic measures. Tiptoeing down to the family sitting room, he carefully takes the figurine of Mary from the nativity set. Then he creeps upstairs, finds a piece of paper and writes, "Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."

Rrrubbish joke but hey  :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 23, 2008, 02:22:10 AM
                                                                                                         

 

I ended up with an older woman at the Hallam pub on Friday night.

She looked OK for a 57-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs,

 

'Mom, you still awake?'

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DC on April 23, 2008, 08:08:40 AM
A woman is walking home from the shops, late afternoon, and decideds to call in and see her daughter-in-law. She rings the bell and walks in, to be greeted by a heady perfume. Walking in to the lounge, she finds it lit by candles, several joss-sticks smouldering away, and her daughter-in-law laid out on the couch, naked.

"What are you doing?" she asks, shocked.

"I'm waiting for my Husband to arrive home from work.2

"But you're naked!"

"This is my Love Dress. When my husband walks in and sees me wearing this, he forgets everything else, gets undressed, joins me here and makes mad passionate love to me all night."

"But you're naked!" says the woman again. "I'll call back another day, when you're decent."

With that she heads home. When she arrives, she lays out aromatic candles around the living room, before having a bath, and soaking in her most provocative essential oils. She comes back down stairs, lights the candles, sprays on her most sensual perfume, and lays out on the couch, naked, waiting for her husband to come home.

He eventually arrives, and walks in to the living room.

"What are you doing?" he asks, after a cursory glance at her.

"This is my love dress," she says, invitingly. He looks at her again.

"Needs ironing; whats for tea?"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 23, 2008, 08:22:47 AM
Viagara' is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it
does stop your biscuit going soft.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on April 23, 2008, 03:15:02 PM
But it does give you a stiff neck if you don't swallow fast enough.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 24, 2008, 01:54:56 AM
An American Decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived at the Gold Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.  'Father, I've traveled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call'.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jeanette on April 28, 2008, 05:28:44 PM
just been on holiday in Scotland, and someone rehashed this old one:

It's the spelling class at school, and Miss Smith asks if anyone can give her a four letter word beginning with F.

Wee Jimmy's hand is straight up. Jimmy is the naughtiest kid in school, always swearing a blue streak, so she ignores him and turns to the little girl next him. "Yes, Sophie, what's your word?"

"Frog, miss," says Sophie.

'"very good. Now, can anyone give me a seven letter word beginning with B?"

Again, wee Jimmy's hand reaches for the ceiling. The teacher ignores him again.

"What's your word, Alan?"

"Please miss, Bananas," says Alan.

"Yes, well done. Now, who can give me a five letter word beginning with G?"

Once more, wee Jimmy's hand is up. Try as she might, the teacher can't think of a single swear word beginning with G, so she relents.

"All right, Jimmy, what's your word?"

"Gnome, miss!" Jimmy shouts triumphantly.

"Well done, Jimmy," Miss Smith beams, delighted. "And can you tell me what a gnome is?"

"Yes miss. It's a wee F****** B****** about so high"...

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: domenic on April 29, 2008, 02:28:25 AM
Now that's a cold joke.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 29, 2008, 03:41:52 AM
The body builder takes off his shirt

& the blonde says,

"What a Great Chest you have!"


He tells her, "That's 85kg of

dynamite, Baby."


He takes off his pants and the blonde says,

"What massive Calves

you have!"


The body builder tells her, "That's

85kgs

of dynamite, baby."



He then removes his underwear, &

the blonde goes running out of

the apartment screaming in fear.



The body builder puts his clothes back

on and chases after her.

He catches up to her and asks why she

ran OUT of  the apartment like that.







The blonde replies : I was afraid to be

around all that dynamite after I saw how

short the fuse was !!!   :o
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on April 29, 2008, 03:54:00 PM
Okay... got a couple of smile makers for you...

1.  You've all hear how diminutive actor Gary Coleman and his wife are airing their short sheets in public through the tele program "Divorce Court"?   Wouldn't it have been quicker to go through "Small Claims Court"?

2.  Mary is a very sleepy child at the best of times.  Particularly when Sister O'Flannahan is giving a talk.  Fortunately for Mary she is seated near the back of the class, just in front of Ralph.  With Sister's eyesight being somewhat questionable at the best of times, Mary is also prone to Ralph's ministrations which can be quite cruel.

One day Sister decides to find out who is paying attention.  She can't see that Mary is already with her head down, chasing butterflies, et al, in an imaginary field.  Sister calls out, "Who made the Heavens and the Earth?"  Good old Ralph pokes Mary in the back with a sharp pencil.  "God!"  she cries out.  "Correct!" responds Sister.

"Who was nailed to the Cross for our sins?"  comes the second question.  "Jesus Christ!"  is Mary's yelp in response to yet another jab from Ralph.  "Very good, Mary." is Sister's response.

"What did Eve say to Adam after they had made some children?"  came the third query.

Awake now and blazing angry, Mary turns on Ralph and bellows for all creation to hear, "If you shove that thing into me again, I'll break it in half and shove it down your throat sideways!"  At which point Sister fainted.


3.  A man is in a pub one night when he comes across a particularly beautiful woman.  The lady smiles back at him and allows him to buy her a drink.    They start chatting and find they have a lot in common.  After a few more drinks she invites him back to her place where they proceed to have the most incredible sex the man has ever experienced in his life!  He's positive he's found the woman of his dreams.  Hours later, lying in each others arms he asks if she would mind his having a smoke. 

"Not at all." she replies and tells him the cigs are in the bedside table drawer.  Reaching over the man opens the drawer and comes across a picture of the hairiest and ugliest man he's ever seen.  Curious, he asks about the guy.

"Is this your husband?"

"No."

"Boyfriend?"

"No."

"Brother?"

"No."

"Cousin?"

"No."  At this point the guy feels like he's really running out and decides to go all out.

"Who is it then?  Can you tel me?"

"Yes.  It's me," replies the woman, " Before the operation."

Have a nice day everyone!  :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 01, 2008, 02:40:58 AM
Doctors Never Laugh

...the Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In  over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing  the    tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.
  It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell  laughing  to the floor Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his  feet and regain his composure.

'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came  over  me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman,  I promise it won't  happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

 

'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 12, 2008, 02:59:29 AM
Robin is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" Robin sighs, your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect"

So the next day Robin heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Robin.

"I don't remember."

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on May 12, 2008, 04:03:56 AM
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue
needed someone to identify the body.  His two best friends, Seamus and Sean
(also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.  Seamus said, 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'.  So the mortician rolled him over.  Seamus looked and said, 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'.  The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over.'  The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Paddy'.

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.'

'What, he had two arseholes?!!' said the mortician.

'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes.  Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two Arseholes....'

______________________________________________________________________

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.'

'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four.  You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'

The Englishmen  replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'

_____________________________________________________________________

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked.

'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied. 

'How does it work?'

“I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For F*ck sake, you wanker, it's twenty to two in the f*cking morning!!'
______________________________________________________________________

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'

The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.'

Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You Fu*king b*stard!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from  you or I shall charge you
with contempt!  Now what is the problem?'

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a fu*king spanner, he said he didn't have one!'

_____________________________________________________________________

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.  After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.  After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep looking in your pocket?'

The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!'

______________________________________________________________________

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice'?

The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the dwarf.'

______________________________________________________________________

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin bags, one in each hand.  There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a £20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.  'Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag...'

'Damn!' says the little old lady....'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them.  Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the policeman. 'How did you get all that money?  Did you steal it?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back garden backs onto the car park of the football stadium.  Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!' So, I go and stand
behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '£20 or off it comes!' '

'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay.'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on May 12, 2008, 04:42:19 AM
HIGH URINALS

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on
a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. 

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.  The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.  Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.  Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."  "No, ma'am", he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I sure do appreciate your help."

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on May 12, 2008, 04:46:00 AM
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. (No cheating!)This is not a trick question.  It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.

A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?

[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]











Answer:  She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, I'm glad.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list...

 

 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on May 12, 2008, 05:06:30 AM
Ladies, please leave your eyebrows alone while driving.  Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?  Okay, we're done.



One night a man is talking to God and in his curiosity he asks God if it would be possible to switch places with his wife for just one 24 hour period.  God says sure and the man falls asleep.  The next morning the guy wakes up to find the change in place.  There's a strange hulk under the covers that growls ever time a kid comes in begging for breakfast.  The guy (wife) groans and gets out of bed even though it's only 7 a.m.

After feeding the kids, the laundry needs to be done. Several fights need to be stopped, the toilet backs up due to improper toys and other items being forcibly flushed down.  Guess who gets to look after them.  The garbage disposal needs repair for similar reasons so dishes now have to be washed manually.  Kids need to be driven to school.  Doctors and dentist appointments have to be made and met along with dry cleaning being picked up.  The school calls several times due to problems with the kids at school.  The dog tears half the house apart in persuit of a couple of stray cats that got in while the place was being ransacked by thieves.  In short, a very long day during which the wife only got a peck on the cheek as hubby made his way to work.

Dinner is barely ready on time during which hubby grunts at wife to control the brats.  Kids need to be bathed and put to bed after lengthy fights over homework.  10 p.m. the wife grunts and groans and finally manages to get to bed only to find hubby all excited and ready for sex.

The next day the man rolls over and saysa prayer to God thanking Him for pointing out the error of his ways and promising to change.  He also thanks God for only making it one day at which point God interjects, "Um... We need to talk."

"What?"

"About the sex last night..."

"Uh..."

"I can't change you back just yet..."

"Um, why?"

"You got pregnant last night."


**for the record, my wife loves this one and says every guy should think very carefully about their lives...*  LOL!!!  :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: matsamu on May 12, 2008, 01:59:06 PM
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. (No cheating!)This is not a trick question.  It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.

A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?

[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]

Answer:  She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, I'm glad.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list...



The creepy thing is that my mother got this one right off the bat. i've taken to locking my door at night....and barring it six ways from sunday....

Much Afraid
Matsamu
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DGSquared on May 14, 2008, 06:24:13 PM
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
patients were shouting:   '13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the
planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on May 15, 2008, 12:22:19 AM
Subject: Without further ado here are the 2008 Darwin awards [Scanned]

Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran', accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arr ival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other ! ;to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.  Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.  The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves....  STUFF happens'

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on May 15, 2008, 12:27:46 AM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, "People, people, we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

*********************************************************


On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

*********************************************************


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

*********************************************************


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

*********************************************************


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"

*********************************************************


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that."

*********************************************************


Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

*********************************************************


Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

*********************************************************


"Despite the fact that we are flying over a landlocked area and there's no water in sight for several hours after we land, your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

*********************************************************


"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses . . . except for that gentleman over there."

*********************************************************


Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

*********************************************************


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

*********************************************************


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

*********************************************************


Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing - and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.  Once we reach cruising altitude, and if y'all can figure out how to get out there without changing the cabin pressure, of course."

*********************************************************


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax . .. . OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing, you should see the back of mine!"
 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 15, 2008, 08:12:15 AM

Should Children Witness Child Birth?




Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.


The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.


Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.


The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.


The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.


Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place .......smack his ass again!'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on May 15, 2008, 08:59:27 AM
A gentleman makes a phone call to the home of one of his employees one afternoon.

"Hello?" whispers a small voice almost immediately at the first ring.

"Hello.  Is your father there?" the gentleman asks.

"No.  He's outside." whispers the voice with a slight giggle.

"Well, is your mother there?" the gentleman tries again.

"No.  She's out there with him." comes the quiet reply.

"Well, is there an adult there with you?" comes the third query.

"No.  I'm all by myself under the bed in the back bedroom." replies the child with more of a giggle now.

"What are your parents doing outside then?" asks the gentleman sounding more irritated now.

"Oh, they're  having a chat with the policemen and the soldiers."  says the child.

"What?  What are they talking about?" asks the man, totally confused now.

"About what they're looking for." answers the child.

"What are they looking for?"  is the next question.

"Me."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on May 15, 2008, 04:17:16 PM
Q:  How do you turn a Duck-billed Platypus ino a soul singer?

A:  But it in a mictro-wave oven until it's Bill Withers.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 16, 2008, 02:26:33 AM
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to
meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for
the first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the
pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for
about an hour.  He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.  The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be really going for
it, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets
his girlfriend at the door.

Oh,' she said 'I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinnertable where
the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and
bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
 
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 16, 2008, 02:36:06 AM
The Bacon Tree


 Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to  death.

 They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,  when all of a sudden.......

 'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

 'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

 So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and  there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

 There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back  bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

 'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

 'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't  forget.'

 'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees  no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

 And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded
but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying  breath.

 'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

 'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

 'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

 

 Ees
 

 Ees
 

 Ees
 

 Ees
 

 Ees
 

 Ees
 

 Ees
 

 Eees a Ham Bush.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DGSquared on May 17, 2008, 06:43:59 PM
Oh...that was a groaner FF.  ;) I was expecting a dig on the Mexican Mafia.  Enjoyed it just the same.

One good groaner deserves another. From my mom...

   *      *       *

INFAMOUS WAL-MART MURDER!


Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side, underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor, unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper,
the headline declared ...


 


(You're going to hate me for this ... )






















(Keep arrowing down)















(This is called build up)































'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT WAL-MART!'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 17, 2008, 09:48:15 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

You out did me I think DG.

The husband had just finished reading a new book
entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE".

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now
on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating
my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will
have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath
so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my
feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The bloody funeral director would be my
first guess."....

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 18, 2008, 12:23:04 AM
Could not resist this one.  ;D


A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some Rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the
Woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
 
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
 
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!"
 
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde
 
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
 
"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
 
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm Deodorant"
 
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud From the container .
 
 
 
 
                           
 (Wait for it).                       

 

 

 "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 18, 2008, 09:33:47 PM
 ;D ;D

This one is for DGSquared.  ;)

When Cardboard Men Come In Handy
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.
The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives.
The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'
'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly.
'Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.
'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde.
'Those are my emergency flashers!'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DGSquared on May 20, 2008, 02:12:13 AM
I've got to get me a pair of those flashers! They'd come in handy for the carpool lanes too.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 20, 2008, 03:34:52 AM
THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her

Husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and

Said, ' Lord, they're finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, '

Do you think he means her first, second or third  husband?'

The friend replied, 'I think he means her legs.'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on May 21, 2008, 12:47:40 AM
For any Americans actually supporting Hilary Clinton reading this please, leave now.  You may not like what follows.

**Apparently based on a true story...  Hilary is out for a spin in her limo one day when it stalls on a small bridge over a creek.  Hilary gets out and decides to go for a stroll.  Being a typical blonde and not watching what she's doing, she trips and ends up falling into the river.  Immediately 3 kids from the nearby run down housing development jump in and pull her to safety.  While resting on the bank Hilary thanks them and offers to do whatever she can for them.  Upon asking the first what he would like more than anything else the response is, "to get out of this dump and have a real home without any problems".  "Make it so!"  orders Hilary to her driver.  When asking the second, the response is, "to have enough money for a decent education and send my family back to the home country for a vacation."  "Done!" declares Hilary.  Turning to the third she's surprised to find him with his head down and shaking it back and forth muttering, "should have left the old rat bag alone... should have left the old rat bag alone..."  "What seems to be the problem?" asks Hilary, "Is there anything I can do to help?  What do you need?"   The young boy looks up at her for a moment and replies, "I'm gonna need a brand new motorized wheelchair, around the clock care and specialized instructors to help re-educate me."  Hilary sits staring at him for a moment and then responds, "You just saved my life.  There's nothing wrong with you!"  "Not yet," says the boy, "But wait until my dad sees who I rescued!"

Can't ya just feel the love?   LOL!!!!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 21, 2008, 03:58:34 AM
KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:

'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold is His name.

Amen.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,

'And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

were on the way to church service,

'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'

One bright little girl replied,

'Because people are sleeping.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

'Ryan, you be Jesus!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.

'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

'Did God throw him back down?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

'Would you like to say the blessing?'

'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.

'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 
 
 
 
 
 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on May 21, 2008, 07:28:24 AM
If you want a Hilary Clinton Joke (Although it an be adapted to suit any female politician)

Hilary and her driver are speeding through the night in one of the more rural states when a cow wanders out in front and is killed instantly.  The car is still driveable so Hilary settles back to catch up on some paperwork and orders the driver to walk up to the nearby farmhouse, apologise, and promise to pay compensation.

The driver stomps of up the track.

Nearly four hours later he returns, obviously drunk, only half dressed, and grinning like a wagonload of monkeys.

"You've been drinking!"  Hilary starts, and the driver just bursts out laughing.

"What have you been doing?  What did the farmer say?"  She demands.

"Well, Boss.  He offered me a whiskey, then shared the rest of the bottle with me.  His wife fed me, and then his two horny daughters took me to bed with them for a couple of hours."

"Okay, okay.  So you got lucky.  But what about the cow?.  How much compensation does the damned Redneck want?  Ten times what it's really worth, I'll bet."

"We never got that far.  All I had time to say was I'm Hilary Clinton's driver and I've killed the cow..."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DGSquared on May 22, 2008, 12:07:13 AM
A fisherman is walking down a road in  Newfoundland and sees a sign in front of a Restaurant which reads:
 
Happy Hour Special...
Lobster Tail and Beer
   
'Lahrd almighty' he says to himself, 'me three favorite things!!'

___________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________


Doctor, Doctor

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children."

St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives."

St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."

St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "You can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on May 22, 2008, 02:32:13 AM
One day a farmer goes out to the pasture and finds his wife struggling with a particularly ornery old mule.  He tries to call out a warning to her but she can't hear him and continues with her struggle.  The farmer gets closer but his wife is determined to be more stubborn than the mule.  Just as he draws close enough to assist his wife the ass rears up and gives a mighty kick killing the wife instantly.

A few days later a great multitude gathers for the funeral.  The minister notices a strange occurence and decides to draw attention to it.  Approaching the farmer he inquires as to the way people are behaving around him.  "When women get close to you, you seem to nod your head and acknowledge their condolences and yet when the men come and shake hands with you, you chake your head and write something in that large book you have.  Can you explain this?"

"Why certainly Preacher.  You see when the women appraoch, they're truly sad and wish me all the best.  I thank them for it and they go on their way.  When the men approach, they want to haggle.  The majority want to borrow the mule but I have to explain that it's booked for the next 5 years."

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: redmeat73 on May 22, 2008, 07:17:19 PM
A brain and a set of jump leads walk into a pub.

When the bar man see them both he holds out a hand and says, "Sorry lads, your type aren't welcome in here."

Confused and annoyed the brain asks,"Why not?"

To which the bar man replies, "Well, you look like your outa your head and he'll start something."


Matt..


I thank you.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on May 23, 2008, 04:11:00 AM
Three fonts walk into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry, your type aren't welcome here."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 25, 2008, 04:47:50 AM
A man was in a long line at Big W. As he got to the register he
realized he  had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout
girl if she  could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his
pants He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over
the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of
us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checkout girl that he
too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some
brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She
asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One
box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had
seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact
with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got
to the register he told the checkout girl he needed some condoms
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him
to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave
him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said




'Mop and bucket to Register 5
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 25, 2008, 06:21:59 AM
One last one before I go.  ;D

The Woolworths Cat.

A blonde was whipper-snippering her yard and
accidentally cut off the tail of her cat,
which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over
to Woolworths!



Why Woolworths?



HELLOOOOOOOOO!


Woolworths is the largest retailer in Australia.!!!
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 24, 2008, 10:37:25 PM
4 old  mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing  home.
About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One  of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell  exactly how old you are."

The  old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old  fools."

One  of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants  & under shorts & we can tell your exact  age."

Embarrassed  just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it,  he
Dropped his drawers.

The  Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times  & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up  & said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing  with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,  "How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping  their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies  happily  yelled in unison--"We were at your birthday party  yesterday!"

 

 
 
   
 

 
 
 
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 25, 2008, 04:04:40 AM
   Mole  Family

 A  papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole   
 all live together   
 in a little mole hole.


 
One  day, papa mole sticks
his head
out of the hole, sniffs the air 
and said,
"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"


The  mama mole sticks her head
out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said, 
"Oh, Yum! I smell honey!"



Now baby mole is trying
to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air,
but can't
because the bigger moles
are in the way.
This makes him whine,

"Geez, all I can smell  is....


MOLASSES!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 26, 2008, 11:18:19 PM
THE LOVE  DRESS
 A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her  son's house.
 
 She knocked on the door then  immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
 
 Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
 
'What are you doing?'  she asked.
 
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home  from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
 
'But  you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
 
'This is my  love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
 
'Love  dress? But you're naked!'
 
'Justin loves me to wear this  dress,' she explained.
 
'Every time he sees me in  thisdress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me  for hours.'
 
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed  the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch  waiting for her husband to arrive.
 
Finally, her husband  came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
 
' What are you doing?' he  asked.
 
'This is my love dress,' she  whispered, sensually.
 
'Needs ironing,' he said,  'What's for dinner?'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Akeith (Gray) on July 27, 2008, 12:31:37 AM
I don't have a crappy joke but, FF, I have to tell you that is FUNNY ! !    :)  :D  ;D

Gray
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Wicked Redhead on July 27, 2008, 12:50:11 AM
Nice firefly.  ;D I usually have good adult jokes..but i do have this one clean one.

6 facts on Earth
1st fact : U can't touch all ur teeth with ur tongue.
2nd fact : After reading this , all fools will try it.
3rd fact : Now u will smiles Bcoz u have become a fool.
4th fact : Now u want 2 fool ur friends.
5th fact : Now u forward it 2 all fools.
6th fact : Fact 1 is false.

I'm a fool.  :P
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 27, 2008, 03:59:43 AM
Glad you liked them Gray, as long as you get a smile its worth the read.  ;D ;D

Christine,

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

Started doing it before I finished the first line. ::)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 28, 2008, 12:59:07 AM
And you think lawyers don't have hearts

The best lawyer story of all time...bar none.

The United Way realized that it had never received a
donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So
a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in
his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our
research shows that even though your annual income
is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny
to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back
to your community through the United  Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did
your research also show you that my mother is
dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
 
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no,
 I didn't know that'.
 
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my
brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined
to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an
apology, but is cut off again.
 
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my
sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident,
leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three

children, one of whom is disabled and another that
has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
 
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten,
says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'
 
And the lawyer says, 'So...if I didn't give any money to them,
what makes you think I'd give any to you?

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Akeith (Gray) on July 28, 2008, 01:05:52 AM
You need to quit it!  :o  :D   ;D

This joke is so crappy it had me and my old dad laughing forever.

I also showed him the one about the wrinkled love dress. That really cracked him up. Too funny.  ;D

Got any more?

Gray
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 28, 2008, 01:13:30 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D

They are so bad ay.

I will go hunt and if your dad laughs it stops him yelling at you if nothing else.  :P
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 28, 2008, 01:18:31 AM
All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:                                                                 

'I outlived the bitches.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Akeith (Gray) on July 28, 2008, 01:27:06 AM
FF:

That one is priceless. My old dad doesn't yell at me much these days. He's 80 and it probably would hurt him a little too much to yell. Still, he is really going to love this one.

It's just too cute.

More!!

And I'll check tomorrow and see if my dad has any old lady jokes. He's quite a card himself at his age.

Gray

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 28, 2008, 01:31:16 AM
No worries mate, I will keep looking. ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 28, 2008, 02:12:57 AM
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"  Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Wicked Redhead on July 28, 2008, 03:31:19 PM
EWWWWWWWWW! Hahhaha!  :P
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 28, 2008, 10:17:24 PM
He said - I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said - You wear pants don't you? 

He  said - Shall we try swapping positions  tonight? 
She said - That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! 

He  said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave  you? 
She  said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror! 

He  said - How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet  paper? 
She  said  - We don't know; it has never happened. 

He  said - Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and  Good- looking? 
She  said - They already have boyfriends. 

He  said - Why are married women heavier than single women? 
She said - Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the  fridge. 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Akeith (Gray) on July 28, 2008, 10:30:00 PM
Priceless.  ;D  :D  ;)

Especially, the last one.

Gray
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Wicked Redhead on July 28, 2008, 11:32:29 PM
LMAO! Firefly you are too funny.

He  said - Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and  Good- looking? 
She  said - They already have boyfriends

Ain't it the truth!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 28, 2008, 11:45:30 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 29, 2008, 05:11:25 AM
Three Brisbane guys were working on a high-rise building project -
Bazza, Bruce and Kevin.

Unfortunately one day Bazza fell off a girder and was killed instantly.

 

As the ambulance took the body away Bruce asked 'Who's going to go and tell his Missus?'

Kev said, 'I can do that, I'm bloody cool at the sensitive stuff.'

A while later he returned to the site lugging a slab of Fourex.

'Where'd you get that Kev?' asked Bruce.

'Bazza's wife gave it to me.'

'That's unbelievable! You told Bazza's old lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'

'Well not exactly' said Kevin 'When she answered the door, I said to her 'You must be Bazza's widow?'

She said 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said 'I'll bet you a slab of Fourex you are!'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: david13 on July 29, 2008, 06:14:15 AM
Blonde jokes - we Brits like Essex Girl jokes.

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a supermarket trolley?
The trolley has a mind of its own.

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a blocked bank?
She holds more blocked.

##############

The English tell Irish jokes; the Irish tell Kerry jokes - whom do Kerrymen tell jokes about?
Americans tell Polish jokes - whom do the Poles joke about?
Whom do blondes joke about (or should that be who)?
Essex Girls?
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: david13 on July 29, 2008, 06:19:44 AM
Mick and Paddy were having a quiet Guinness.
"Mick, there's a fantastic new place down the road."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yes, you go in there, they give you a slap up meal, then you go in the back and have as much sex as you like. On your way out they give you five euros!"
"Terrific - have you been there, then?"
"No - but my sister has."

##############

I first heard this ages ago, but it re-surfaced in the 1990 film Miller's Crossing.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: matsamu on July 29, 2008, 05:26:18 PM
LMAO! Firefly you are too funny.

He  said - Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and  Good- looking? 
She  said - They already have boyfriends

Ain't it the truth!

oh ouch! that...that...well...ok, i'll admit it. Most guys as pretty as me are gay, but at least there is one who likes ladies.

in case you didn't get it, that one is me...

god i'm lonely....

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 29, 2008, 08:20:33 PM
oh ouch! that...that...well...ok, i'll admit it. Most guys as pretty as me are gay, but at least there is one who likes ladies.

in case you didn't get it, that one is me...

god i'm lonely....



I always knew that Mats  ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 29, 2008, 09:22:25 PM
Can Coldwater Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of South East Queensland.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandpa, your dog won't let me get to my car'.



Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, 'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HEAR ME!!!'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 30, 2008, 04:48:56 AM
Jacob, age 92, and Henrietta, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist.

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds." 

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?" 

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob:" Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundices?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!"

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob:" You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?"

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop."

 
 
 

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Lin on July 30, 2008, 11:56:54 AM
HAVE A GOOD LAUGH. I DID....................

 

 

 

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . 

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. 

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on July 30, 2008, 12:32:54 PM
My favorite Blonde joke

Three women are walking on the beach and find a Genie's bottle. They open the bottle and the Genie appears. He looks at the three women and then says he will grant one wish to each of them.

The Brunette goes first and declares, "I would like to be twice as smart as I already am."

The Genie waves his hands and POOF, she is twice as smart.

The Redhead assesses the situation and declares, "I would like to be three times as smart as I already am."

The Genie waves his hands and POOF, she is three times as smart.

The Blonde has been watching intently. She begins to giggle and wiggle, writhing in her little string bikini. She blushes and peers out under lowered eyelashes and whispers to the Genie, "I like being a dumb blonde. It's always worked for me. In fact, I would like to be twice as stupid as I already am."

The Genie waves his hands and POOF, she turns into a man.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on July 30, 2008, 05:55:44 PM
Gyppo walks into a gloomy bar, orders a drink, and says to the barman "Do you want to hear a really good blonde joke."

A large and well muscled hand falls on his shoulder from behind and he turns his head carefully to find a six foot female, with muscles that would make Big Arnie weep with envy,  She has cropped blonde hair and a beaming great grin.

"Before you go any further, I'm a blacksmith and I can straighten horsehoes, cold, with my bare hands."

Gyppo takes a swig at his White Label and waits for the rest of the joke to unfold.

"My friend over there", she points to a corner of the bar where an even bigger but perhaps slightly leaner blonde wench raises her glass in a mocking salute, "Is the British female knock-down karate Champion."

"And the other blonde?"  Gyppo asks, taking another swig at his pint, and eying up the slightly smaller one who barely tops five-six but looks like a coiled spring and just as tough.  Probably far more dangerous than the other two put together.

"She's the unofficial female free-fighting world champion.  She's killed three times in the ring."

Another leisurely swig from the pint...

"And?"  Gyppo asks.

"So...  You need to ask yourself, do I still want to tell that 'really good blonde joke'.

Gyppo finishes his pint, pushes the empty across for refill, and pauses just long enough to let the blonde behemoth think he's intimidated.

"Nah...  Not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."   
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on July 31, 2008, 07:22:17 AM


  careful with this one nearly got me killed on several occasions:

 a piece of string walks into a bar and orders a pint

barman " are u a piece of string"

he says yes why dont u serve pieces of string??

barman says sure no prob just we dont get many in here

few minutes later another piece of string walks into a bar and orders a guiness.............

aha another piece of string .........yr mate is over there.............

thanks says piece nr 2 its his birthday  today............several minutes go by and several pieces of string are having a lively time in the pub  when the door bursts open and this fat, scruffy smelly thing walks up to the bar and orders a double whisky

barman asks "dont tell me ur a piece of string??

"" NOOOOOOOOOO im a frayed knot""

well the oldies are the goodies right
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 31, 2008, 08:05:19 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on July 31, 2008, 08:11:40 AM
 

or a man is walking past a home for mentally challenged people ( the local loony bin) with a wheelbarrow full of  manure when suddenly a loony pops his head over the wall and asks "where are u going with that barrow of horse shit??

the man replies im gonna put it on my strawberries

the loony laughs and says u wanna get in here u poor man we have cream and sugar on ours .....................
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: rewh2oman on July 31, 2008, 08:57:25 AM
World's oldest joke traced back to 1900 BC

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080731/lf_nm_life/britain_joke_dc
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Wicked Redhead on August 02, 2008, 11:04:54 AM
oh ouch! that...that...well...ok, i'll admit it. Most guys as pretty as me are gay, but at least there is one who likes ladies.

in case you didn't get it, that one is me...

god i'm lonely....



I know the feeling. Sucks don't it. And i just started looking at guys a few months ago. What is wrong with you fella's anyway?
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 02, 2008, 12:08:18 PM


here is one for all u politically correct people out there

a man walks into a pub. orders a beer. drinks it. walks out again



very funny huh
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on August 02, 2008, 02:27:01 PM
A man walks into a bar and falls flat on his back...

It was an iron bar.

=====

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. 

The Barman says "Is this some kind of joke?"

=====

Three turds walk into a bar.  One looks at the other two and says "Is it just me, or is this a really crap joke?"

=====

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 03, 2008, 03:12:22 AM


dont you just luv em???

what do u call a man with a seagull on his head? .....................cliff

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 04, 2008, 02:37:33 AM
An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up
from the couch then starts putting on his coat.  His
 wife, seeing the unexpected behavior asks
'Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that
Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning
herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put
on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing,

I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on August 04, 2008, 04:01:37 AM
An eighty year old man limps into his osteopath's surgery on two sticks..

"My ninenteen year old girlfriend and I are trying for an entry in the Guinness Book Of Records. We aim to make love in more exotic cars than anyone else."

"Ha!  And I suppose you want me to unkink your slipped disc for you."

"Hell no..." says the old fellow.  "We're just wondering if we can borrow your Lamborghini for an hour or so."

Gyppo   
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: matsamu on August 04, 2008, 11:19:34 AM
I know the feeling. Sucks don't it. And i just started looking at guys a few months ago. What is wrong with you fella's anyway?

Most of the pretty straight guys are also nerds, geeks, choir boys, band geeks, or theatre kids. Therefore, the girls that would find us attractive, don't ever find us out of the house, or out of that end of the school where all of us artsy kids sit. And, since most of the guys who are involved in these activities are gay themselves, those girls don't look, knowing they don't have a chance with gay guys...

maybe i should start playing sports....nah.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Wicked Redhead on August 04, 2008, 12:19:18 PM
HAhaha! That blonde joke was great Gyppo!

Matsamu: ah, the good old days of school. It's much worse when you get into the "real" world. You could be dating a former man and would never know it.   ;D :P

Bonde logic

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Wurdsmyth on August 04, 2008, 12:23:01 PM
A white horse walks into a bar.
"Pint of lager please."
The barman grins, "Thought you'd want a whisky."
The horse looks puzzled. "Why would I want a whisky?"
'Because we've got one named after you."
The horse looks surprised. "Wow, you have a whisky called Eric?"

 :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: matsamu on August 06, 2008, 03:23:29 PM
ChristineK: The funny thing about that is that with the styles these days, and the amount of people changing their sexual preferences just to sound like they belong (Amazing how many people will say that they're gay or bisexual, yet never follow through with it...huh...) you really don't know if they are or aren't men...or women...or whatever you're looking for. I myself like women who look like women and like men. End of story.

Blonde Jokes:

Opens a box of cheerios and exclaimed "OH LOOK! Donut seeds!"

finally figured out that she could listen to the a.m. radio at night

tripped over a cordless phone

Q: Why do blonde girls have bruises on their belly buttons?
A: Because blonde guys are stupid too!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Wicked Redhead on August 06, 2008, 04:06:59 PM
Being a redhead i usually don't post redhead jokes. Saying that, here are a few funny ones i couldn't pass up.

What's the Redhead Dating Motto?
The fastest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.

--------------------------------
What's the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed
A blonde let's you leave the bed when you are satisfied - a redhead
let's you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.

--------------------------------
An old man of sixty was sitting on a park bench crying.

A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old redhead. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."

The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"

So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on August 06, 2008, 05:08:43 PM
Q:  Why is making love to a redhead like riding a Luge?

A:  Because the same advice applies to both.

"Just lie down, hold on, and try not to die before the ride ends."

=====

Q:  How do you know when a redhead has logged off from her computer?

A:  There's an axe buried in the monitor

=====

I knew a redhead once...  Twice would have killed me ;-)

=====
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Wicked Redhead on August 06, 2008, 05:10:39 PM
Hahaha! Some nice ones there Gyppo!  :P
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on August 06, 2008, 05:35:54 PM
O---K---A---Y

Let's unleash the rehead archives...

=====

Redhead Questions - Scroll down for answers

1)- How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?

2)- Why do redheads really like their hair color?

3)- Why didn't Indians scalp redheads?

4)- Why aren't most redheads flat-chested?

5)- How can you tell if redhead is lonely?

6)- Why are redheads considered evil?

7)- What is the most frustrated animal in the world?

8)- Why don't redheads wear training bras?

9)- Why did they quit selling redheaded Barbie dolls?

10)- What did the frustrated redhead say to her uninterested lover?

11)- What do redheads miss most about a great party?

12)- How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?

13)- How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?


ANSWERS:

1)- She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl.

2)- It does the same thing for the men it does for the bulls ... it
fires them up!

3)- They knew better.

4)- It makes reading the T-shirt more exciting.

5)- There are less than 5 men around her.

6)- Aren't ALL addictions considered bad for you?

7)- A man that's taken with a redhead, but is batting 'zero.'

8)- There's nothing 'in training' on a redhead.

9)- Ken kept having low self esteem issues.

10)- Nothing. 'Frustrated' and 'uninterested' don't appear in
a redhead's vocabulary.

11)- The lack of equality in male partners.

12)- She has scratched 'Stay off MY TURF!' on his back with
her claws ...er ... nails, that is.

13)- She unties you.

=====

         Two men were talking. One said: "I'd love to be casseroled by a redhead."

        "What's that mean?" his puzzled friend said, "Casseroled is a cooking term, meaning to be done slowly for a long time."

        The first man smiled. "Exactly."

=====

     Please believe me when I say I am not obsessed with Redheads, but the person who keeps sending me this stuff clearly has a distinct colour prejudice...

Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
A: Say something

Q: How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
A: Wait 10 seconds

If you love a Redhead, set her free.....if she follows you everywhere you go, if she pitches a tent in your front lawn, and if she puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.

Q: What's safer: a redhead or a piranha?
A: The piranha. They only attack in schools.

Q: How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?
A: She has scratched "stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails.

Q: What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
A: Normal

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A redhead!

=====

        Guidance on the care and feeding of your Redhead:

        Simple:  Take care when feeding them.  And always remember, only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy.
        1)  Let her think she is having her own way.
        2)  Let her have her own way.

=====





Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on August 06, 2008, 05:38:45 PM
Whilst I was in my archives, and just to prove it's not all redhead jokes...

         This is known in my family as The Polar Bear Joke, as if there are no others...

        Two Polar Bears (Father and Son) are sitting on an iceberg.

        Son:  "Dad, am I a genuine 100% Polar Bear?"
        Dad:  "Certainly, Son."
        Son:  "No Brown Bear in our family tree is there?"
        Dad:  "No, all Polar Bear."
        Son:  "No Black Bear?  Not even a really distant ancestor?"
        Dad:  "No."  Clearly getting annoyed by these questions.
        Son:  "Not even any Grizzly Bear?"
        Dad:  "No way!  Look, Son, you are 100% pure Polar Bear.  We can trace our ancestry right back to the Great Bear In The Sky.  So let's not hear any more of this nonsense."
        Son:  "Okay, Dad.  Sorry."
        Silence falls for a while and they both sit there staring into the white wastelands as only Polar Bears can, and then the father turns his head back to the little bear.
        Dad:  "Why do you ask, Son?  Have the other bears been teasing you?
        Son:  "No.  It's just that my bloody arse is freezing!"

=====
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Nothing on August 06, 2008, 06:28:29 PM
Gyppo you are a very funny man. (big smile and a wink for you)

Hey Chris are you, being a redhead, as feisty as they say?
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 08, 2008, 04:41:55 AM
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria  found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
                    Remember:
                     Water = Poop,
                     Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 08, 2008, 04:45:27 AM
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind
him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

'What was that for?' he asked.

'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura
Lou written on it,' she replied.

'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of
the horses I bet on,' he explained.

'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good
explanation.'

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit
him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him
out cold.

When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?

'Your horse phoned.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Wicked Redhead on August 08, 2008, 01:12:53 PM
Gyppo! Who knew you had such humor on redheads!  :P Damn right we're feisty and great in bed.  ;D  :P

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.

He decides to confront the  tiger, and asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the butt?"

The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on August 08, 2008, 04:50:15 PM
I didn't make them up, and they were collected over several years from various newsletters.

My Dad was a redhead, and my Sister and I both use this an excuse for an occasionally fiery and passionate temper.  I think it was Sis who coined the phrase 'Stealth Redhead' after she suddenly turned on a really irritating idiot[1] at work.  A rather stunned idiot who - just for a few seconds - wondered what had happened to the quiet and well-mannered little Librarian who is justly famous for her patience.

"Where the hell did that come from?" asked an admiring workmate a little while later when the stunned one had scurried off.

"I'm a Stealth Redhead, didn't you know?"  Sis - back in control - said quietly, smiling like a well-fed cat.  A little smile well known in our family.

My brother-in-law wanted a particular motporcycle and announced that he really wanted a 'Virago."

"You mean one isn't enough?"  Sis asked.

I have had similar 'moments', and it really throws people.  Being a 'Stealth Redhead' is rather good.

My two daughters, one mostly blonde and the other dark-haired, have the same 'Stealth' gene.  The eldest has a gingery glint in her blonde locks, but the youngest - like her dad - displays no 'early warning system'. 

{1]  Idiot - as used above - applies to the 'wilfully thick' rather than those truly lacking in knowledge or ability.  The latter get treated with understanding and kindness.

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 08, 2008, 07:29:59 PM
New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pino Blanc, Pino Noir, and Pino Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE
 
Seriously!

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on August 09, 2008, 10:51:06 AM
Thought I would contribute something crap as well!

DIVORCE V MURDER

     

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Jakey
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on August 09, 2008, 10:52:22 AM
Another...

In the year 2008   the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said:
'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. '..........the British Government beat me to it.'
 
Jakey
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on August 09, 2008, 10:53:22 AM
I like this one...

LIE DETECTOR

 

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.


 
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.


 
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.


 
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.


 
 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy.


 
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.


 
'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'


 
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'


 
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.


 
''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.


 
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.


 
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'


 
'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'


 
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a  roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.


 
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'


 
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on August 09, 2008, 10:57:42 AM
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men
 ....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S-M style, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: "the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: "you are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made love all night long .
 
The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night

The married one: "the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says
-
-
"Alright Batman?! What's for dinner?"..........
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on August 09, 2008, 11:14:25 AM
I love the blonde jokes:

How do you know if a blond has made a mistake typing ont he computer?

You'll find tipex on the monitor.


How do you know if she's corrected her mistake?

She's written on the tipex!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on August 09, 2008, 11:15:44 AM
Back to the oldies, my Grandad loved these two:

What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!

What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on August 09, 2008, 11:19:01 AM
It took me years to get this one, and then suddenly in the middle of York city centre, the penny fell, I laughed alloud. It was quite embarrasing really as I was in town on my own, my new found spectators must have thought there was a screw loose or something. Anyway:

Two nuns in the bath, and one says:
"Where's the soap?"
The other says, "Yes, it does, doen't it!"

Heh, I still find that funny!


Jakey
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on August 09, 2008, 11:20:07 AM
The Tesco Doctor

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for
good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would
happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on August 09, 2008, 01:28:23 PM
Speaking of colour changes...

Q:  What's green and turns red at the flick of a switch?

A:  A frog in a liquidiser.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Wicked Redhead on August 09, 2008, 08:11:42 PM
EW! Gyppo that's disgusting!!

i don't get the nun one Jakey... :-\

Men are like...Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.  ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 11, 2008, 04:15:41 AM


the brunette, the redhead and the blonde all pregnant at the doctors get chatting....................the brunette says i was on top when we made love that means im gonna have a boy.

the redhead says yeah i was underneath when we made love that means im gonna have a girl.

suddenly the blonde bursts out sobbing and crying and says Oh my God im gonna have puppies .............
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Wicked Redhead on August 11, 2008, 04:36:29 AM
LMAO!  That was a good one Vienna.  :P


HERE'S ONE FOR YOU GUYS.  ;D

Why It's GREAT To Be A Guy...
- Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

- Your orgasms are real. Always.

- Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow

- You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

-You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

-You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

-You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

- The world is your urinal.

- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

-You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

-People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 11, 2008, 04:46:04 AM


 ;D  nice one
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 11, 2008, 06:30:41 AM
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for
$100.00.  The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The
next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news,
the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked,
'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said,
You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said,
'Sure I can Watch me.  I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened
with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off.  I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made
a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said,
'Just the guy who won.  So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for the government.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on August 11, 2008, 06:57:36 AM
I couldn't let these assumptions pass unchallenged.  See italics.

Gyppo


Why It's GREAT To Be A Guy...
- Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Sometimes it can be, but we probably don't want to work in a place like that anyway.

- You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

But I have one follow me around all day ;-)

-You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

Not always true.  Sometimes we want to offer the object of his attention a better choice ;-).

-You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

Oh yes we do.  A man who comments on anothers haircut, except in the most scathing or flippant of ways, is always suspected of being somewhat less than 100% heterosexual.

- The world is your urinal.

No longer ours alone.  Having seen more than a few Hippy Lasses where their skirts flung up along their backs as they adopt the 'pretzel position' rather than risk the 'Porta-loo of Doom' at festivals and the Summer Solstice we now know that the Earth is not ours alone.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

It's voluntary, Ladies.  Always remember that.  Most of the bizarre rituals you inflict on yourselves are voluntary.

-You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

That depends on if it's our crotch or yours ;-)

-People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

Really?  Then why does the 'surfer dude' wear a medallion or a shark's tooth pendant?


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Wicked Redhead on August 11, 2008, 06:59:48 AM
Damn Gyppo! You have some really good comments on that! Who new you were such a charming tiger!  ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on August 11, 2008, 07:18:49 AM
Tiger?  More of a 'Dark Horse' , or so I'm told.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 13, 2008, 06:52:42 PM
THIS ONE WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!

I know there must be a very logical answer to this, but so far can't figure it out. Can you??

This came to me from a guy who has two masters and one doctorate degree and was a former instructor at the Naval Academy and he couldn't figure out how it was done. So don't write me back asking how they do it.... THIS IS GREAT, TRY IT!!!!!

Can you figure out how this works?

1) Go to the link below. After reading each window, click on the boy in the lower right corner of the picture.

2) In the last window type in your answer in the white box using the Keyboard (there is NO cursor).

3) Watch the paper in the boy's hand. You will be amazed. And no, I don't know how it's done.click here:


http://digicc.com/fido/ (http://digicc.com/fido/)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Wicked Redhead on August 13, 2008, 07:54:05 PM
....what! No way. That was crazy.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Andrewf on August 14, 2008, 04:24:24 AM
It's a mathmatical trick... I can tell you how it's done if you'd like an explanation, but rather than put it here and spoil people's fun, ask and i'll pm you.

;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 14, 2008, 08:47:50 AM
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the
 first class section   of an airplane.   
 The woman sneezed, took out a tissue,
 gently wiped her nose,
 then shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
 
 
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the
 woman sneezed   again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, 

 then shuddered violently once more.
 
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was
 still curious about   the shuddering. 

 A few more minutes passed when the woman   sneezed again. 

 As   before she used a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking
 even more than before.
 
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the
 woman and said,
 
  'I couldn't help but notice that you've
 sneezed three times, wiped your
 nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?
 
'I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare
 medical condition.
Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'
 
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
 'I have never heard of that condition before,' he said. 'Are you taking
 anything for it?'

Yes




The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Lin on August 14, 2008, 09:26:20 AM
Ok here is the crappiest joke of all - Im amazed at how many people have never heard this joke before.

Q.   What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?









A.  You can't wash your hands in a buffalo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on August 14, 2008, 12:09:04 PM
Writer (To wife):  "What's the difference between an elephant and a postbox?"

Wife (With long-suffering patience):  "I don't know."

Writer:  "Bugger.  I'd best post my own manuscripts in future."

=====
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 14, 2008, 11:53:14 PM
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two  groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: StrayDog on August 14, 2008, 11:55:18 PM
Quote
The women won.
Yeah, but only because the teacher is a woman.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on August 15, 2008, 05:04:43 PM
Why can't women get mad-cow desease ?

  They don't have brains.



Why can't men get mad-cow  desease ?

  They're all pigs !

Well it is the crap joke thread.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: StrayDog on August 16, 2008, 07:43:07 AM
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken
  Surprise.' The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
 
  Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
  slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before
  the lid slams back down.
 
  'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she
  asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
  and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
 
  Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
  and demands an explanation.
 
  'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what did you order?'
 
  The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
 
 
 
 
 
  [You're going to love this.....or.....You're going to hate yourself for
  loving this!...]
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: david13 on August 16, 2008, 12:30:26 PM
Ref #244 gender

In German there are three genders, e.g.

suitcase (masculine - der Koffer)
travel bag (feminine - die Reisetasche)
luggage (neuter - das Gepäck)

The trouble with the German sense of humour is, it is no laughing matter.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: StrayDog on August 16, 2008, 12:32:09 PM
[Gepaeck  - should have a-umlaut, but I can't figure how to get that character in here. Any clues and I'll replace it]
Type it into Google, it might come up with one. Then just copy/paste it in place.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: david13 on August 16, 2008, 12:49:20 PM
While posting I was looking for a drop-down box with symbols.
The nearest was the # labelled "Insert Code" but I didn't know the code...

Thanks, thatollie:
I got the character from MS Word and dropped it in.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 17, 2008, 06:45:38 AM

Commentating Bloopers.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this.'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on August 17, 2008, 07:01:23 AM
[Gepaeck  - should have a-umlaut, but I can't figure how to get that character in here. Any clues and I'll replace it]
Type it into Google, it might come up with one. Then just copy/paste it in place.

Before you type in the vowel first  "  then the vowel ,  yet dont hit the space bar in between the two. For the french   , first type a regular '   then the vowel, once again no space bar between the ' and the vowel.
I guess it depends upon your cómpütérs set up but works for me ,ä , ë , ï ,ö , ü .  á ,é, í (celtic not french) ó,ú,  ç.   etc..

sorry not a joke but response and assist to previous post.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on August 17, 2008, 07:08:21 AM
Once up a time there was a secluded back woods area of Louisiana where the citizens were sheltered from much of the evil of the outside world. They had schools, but the curriculum was such that the children were kept innocent.

After high school graduation, one beautiful young woman, Magnolia, told her best friend Peaches that she was leaving and heading for New York City. And she did. She stayed in the Big Apple for nearly a year and then came home for a visit.

[I've always told this using my best syrupy Southern accent but unlike Mark Twain, I'm not very good at writing accents. Please use your imagination and use your own best syrupy Southern accent.]
Magnolia called Peaches and said, "Let's do lunch." The two women met at a small diner.

Eventually Peaches asked, "How was it there? Were you afraid? What did you see?"

Magnolia said, "In New York, they have men who kiss other men."

Peaches was, of course, shocked. Her mouth stood open in a perfect moue and she gasped.

Magnolia shook her head and purred, "They call them hom-o-sex-u-als."

Peaches sat silently with eyes wide and nodded. Finally able to speak again, she said, "Go on."

Magnolia said, "In New York, they have women who kiss other women."

Peaches gasped and shook her head in denial, hand over heart.

Magnolia shook her head and purred, "They call them les-bi-ans."

Peaches regained some of her composure and nodded, "Go on."

Magnolia continued, "In New York, they have men who kiss women's private parts."

This was too much for poor Peaches. She slammed her hand on the tabletop and then wiped her dainty brow while exclaiming, "Lord have mercy, what do they call them?"

"Well," said Magnolia, "when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 19, 2008, 01:56:47 AM
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough frequent flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts
of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they
have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap
partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen
and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian
strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half
an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his
forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his
member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the
entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made
mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go
their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks,

'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was
wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a
headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my
ears.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 19, 2008, 06:25:16 AM
 Whats the final stage of mad cow disease??

feminism.....................
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 19, 2008, 06:30:03 AM
oh i just rememberted this one............i know everyyone knows it but here goes.............

 superman meets spiderman and asks "hey spidey u fancy going down the superheroes club for a few beers??

spiderman answers sorry supie but i have to fix my web throwers or i cant fight crime in gotham city tomorrow

then he mets batman and asks hey batman fancy going down the superheroes club for a coule of beers and a game of darts??

batman says sorry superman but the old batmobile has a puncture and if i dont fix it how am i gonna fight crime in gotham city tomorrow

so bored and angry superman is flying home and on the way he passes wonderwomans place and wow he sees wonderwoman on the bed naked legs open

hmmm he thinks to himself i have always fancied wonder woman......i could be in and out before she notices. so he flies through the open window and bang over and done with flies out again

wonder woman says what the f**k was that???

the invisible man cries out " i dont bloody know but it f*****g hurt................
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 21, 2008, 07:07:39 AM



A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?'
The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'
 
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, 'Many years ago
there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
 
The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human
race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'
The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'
 

 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 21, 2008, 07:33:16 AM


  well little tommy goes into his parents bedroom to discover mummy riding up and down on top of daddy

"what u doing mummy" he asks

mummy replies "daddy has wind tommy and im pumping it out for him"

tommy says" dont bother mummy after u have gone to work the lady from next door will only come and blow it all in again"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on August 22, 2008, 07:18:08 AM
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters !
These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church news
bulletins:

1.        The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2.        The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon
tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

3.        Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid
of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

4.        Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile
at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much
about you.

5.        Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

6.        Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,'
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

7.        For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

8.        Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.

9.        Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in
the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

10.        A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music will follow.

11.        At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What
Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

12.        Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

13.        Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

14.        Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered.

15.        The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.

16.        Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
follow.

17.        The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

18        This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

19.        Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

20.        The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.

21.        Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.

22.        The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in
the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.

23.        Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

24.        The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan
last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 22, 2008, 08:08:19 AM
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

 

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

 

 Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

 

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

 

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

 

"How long will this take?" I asked.

 

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

 

I stopped.

 

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

 

Without missing a beat he says

 

"Worked for your arse didn't it?"

 

 

 

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk    again -  although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
 
 
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 22, 2008, 08:11:14 AM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing
an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask.
'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't
know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'


He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check.
Are my testicles  black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and
heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his
manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with
them,  Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly:



'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but,
listen very, very closely......

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


A r e  m y  t e s t  r e s u l t s  b a c k?

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jeanette on August 24, 2008, 06:21:57 AM
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?
 :)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on August 24, 2008, 08:27:43 AM
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Via.gra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Via.gra . Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Via.gra , Whaazzzz up!
9. Via.gra , The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Via.gra , Like a rock!
7. Via.gra , When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Via.gra , Be all that you can be.
5. Via.gra , Reach out and touch someone.
4. Via.gra , Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Via.gra , Home of the whopper!
2. Via.gra ,We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.


I am terribly sorry about the Via.gra stuff, but when I wrote out the trade name for the drug, it converted it to 'SPAM MESSAGE' instead which was both amazing and sad. I had no idea.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 25, 2008, 09:11:06 AM



This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 26, 2008, 06:59:32 AM


come on get the jokes coming


an englishman is on holiday in wales. He is sitting in the pub crying into his pint. The landlord asks him whats wrong. He says well i have been here 14 days, its rained everyday, the beer is like witches piss, and u welsh are so unfriendly.
unfriendly the landlord says no we arent, but u are in a foreign country and sometimes it helps to learn a bit of the language. next time u meet a welshperson try saying yakki dar boyo

englliishman says what the hell does that mean
landlord answers its "hello how are u

ok thx mate ill try it says the englishman and goes out into the freezing wet night.........as he is trudging thru the rain and wind he sees in the distance a bicycle light coming towards him, getting nearer and nearer as it approaches the englishman says yakki dar boyo yakki dar.

as he passes he hears the cyclist reply " fuck off u welsh bastard ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jeanette on August 26, 2008, 09:42:04 AM
folks, I need a cracking Polish joke for a project I'm working on. Anyone got one? Here's the best I've heard so far:

Did you hear about the Pole who thought 'masturbate' was what you used to catch a big fish
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 26, 2008, 11:16:16 AM


whats the hardest thing a polish man gives his new wife on their wedding day???

his surname...............................
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 27, 2008, 06:19:11 AM
It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of south Australia
asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or
mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught
the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the
winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the
members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
               
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He
walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of
Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be
cold?' The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is
going to be quite cold.'
               
So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even
more wood in order to be prepared.
               
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still
look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' The meteorologist
again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.' The elder again
went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of
firewood they could find.
               
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely
sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,'the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 'How can you be so sure?' the
elder asked.
               
The weatherman replied,

'There are reports that the Aboriginals are collecting firewood like
crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 27, 2008, 06:21:32 AM
ATTENTION ALL GRANDPAS  - HEED THIS WARNING :
Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall
My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal
whiskey and women with big tits.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 27, 2008, 06:52:18 AM
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS. 

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 29, 2008, 05:54:51 AM
A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He answers 'Yes -  caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the services?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes 100%...an bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM
 
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '

'This is a council job,' the interviewer says.. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.

No point in you coming in for that.'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jeanette on August 30, 2008, 05:59:33 AM
a woman and her six year old son are driving behind an Ann Summers van when suddenly the door snaps open and a large vibrator flies out, hitting the windscreen of their car.
Worried about her son seeing that, the woman says:
'my goodness, did you see that strange insect?'
'yes,' says the son, 'but how can it fly with a dick that size?'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 02, 2008, 08:49:50 AM
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
Evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought

Another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'


Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: pinakighosh on September 02, 2008, 10:25:05 AM

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
 
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
 
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.
 
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
 
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
 
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on September 04, 2008, 09:41:12 AM
AN E-MAIL BLESSING

Peace be unto you, your computer, and the email you receive this day.

May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or return it within a limited time frame.

May the mail you receive not require you to take action in order to prove your love, friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender.

May the mail you receive not start with "Fw: Fw: Fw:" in the Subject line.

May the spammers who know your address all go on holiday at the same time.

May the mail you receive not require you to carry a steel plate on which to sit upon in theaters, motels, and other public places.

May the calls to action your mail encourages be real, true, forthright, and honest.

May your inaction to mail you receive not cause the death of monks, missionaries, mothers, or those who are misguided.

Above all of this, may peace and harmony be yours until tomorrow.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 05, 2008, 11:34:49 PM
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/9918/evolutionrh7.gif)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Wicked Redhead on September 07, 2008, 01:09:09 PM
Words Women Use

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine".

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVER
It's a woman's way of saying *!# @ YOU!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: matsamu on September 07, 2008, 01:11:57 PM
I'd resent fire-fly's joke...if i wasn't too busy scratching myself right now...



A man has some gastro-intestinal problems and he goes into the doctors office to consult his physician. He is examined and the doctor shakes his head.

"What's wrong, doctor?" The man asks...

"Well...it's an easy problem to fix," The doctor replies. "You just need to take two of these Blocked suppositories. I'll administer the first, but you'll need to find help for the second."

The man consents and the doctor administers.

A few hours later, when he realizes that he needs to take the second suppository, he calls to his wife to help him out. She takes him into the bathroom, he takes off his pants and bends down, holding onto the sink for support (recalling the first experience)
His wife puts her hand on his shoulder and pushes the suppository in and he immediately exlaims "Son of a b*tch!"

She pulls away quickly and cries out, "Oh honey, i'm sorry, did that hurt?!"

He shakes his head, and says, "No, but the first time i got one of those, the doctor had both hands on my shoulder!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Andrewf on September 08, 2008, 02:15:51 PM
Not really a joke, but too funny to not share... :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tp5Z-F9DTA4
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Wicked Redhead on September 08, 2008, 02:48:32 PM
DUDE! Andrew i mean. lol, I love Jeff Dunham! He's friggin funny...!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Andrewf on September 08, 2008, 03:13:13 PM
He sure is Christine  :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: bee_bum_you on September 11, 2008, 07:51:38 AM
knock knock!

who's there?

panther

panther who?

panther no panth i'm going thwimming.

...

how many punk rockers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

two. one to screw in the new one and the other eat the old one.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on September 11, 2008, 10:40:02 AM


knock knock?

whos there?

amos

amos who?

amosquito


knock knock

whos there?

ann

ann who?

another mosquito

knock knock

whos there?

ella

ella who??


'ell another mosquito
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on September 11, 2008, 10:41:23 AM
The Italian Who Went To Malta
 

One day Ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel.  Ina Morning I
 go down to eat breakfast.  I tella waitress I wanna two
 pissis toast.  She brings me only one piss.  I tella her
 I want two piss.  She say go to the toilet.  I say you
 no understand.  I wanna to piss onna my plate.  She say
 you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.  I
 don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
 Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant.  The waitress
 brings me a spoon and knife but no fock.  I tella her I
 wanna fock.  She tell me everyone wanna fock.  I tell
 her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table.  She
 say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.
 I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
 So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits
 onna my bed.  Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit.
 He tell me to go to toilet.  I say you no understand.  I
 wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed,
 you sonna ma bitch.  I don't even know the man and he call
 me sonna ma bitch.
 I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace
 on you".  I say Piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I
 gonna back to Italy.


the old uns are the best uns
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on September 11, 2008, 10:42:34 AM


and the nubile young blonde getting a check up at he docs...............

 doc says " big breaths"

the girl says yeth and im only thixteen
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: rewh2oman on September 15, 2008, 11:25:20 AM
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me.  The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them wth my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.  They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.

Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?'
 
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on September 18, 2008, 11:40:51 AM
To be read with an Irish accent, please.........!!


As the plane approached Dublin No 1 Runway, The Tower heard,


PILOT - Beejeesus, will you look how fockin' short dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer not fockin' kiddin', Paddy.

PILOT - Dis is gonna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus.

CO-PILOT - Yer not fockin' kiddin', Paddy!

PILOT - Right Shamus, when I say 'go', put de engines in reverse!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, oi'll do dat!

PILOT - An' den yer put de flaps down.

CO-PILOT - Royt, oi'll do dat too!

PILOT - An' den stamp on de brakes as hard as yer can, an' pray ta de holy mudder a God!!

CO-PILOT - Oi'm prayin' already, but oi'll hit de brakes as hard as oi can!

So as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to the Holy Mother with all his soul.  The brakes screeched and the tyres squealed and there was smoke everywhere, but to the relief of all the passengers and not least Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop a few metres from the end of the runway!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, 'Dat has got ta be de shortist fockin' runway in de world!!'

Shamus replied, 'Yes, but do ya see how fockin' WIDE it is?'

===== 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on September 18, 2008, 07:29:35 PM
An american tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is
very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning
to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days.

When he returns the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you.
You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here. We know very little about it'. The man looks
a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and
fix me up, doc'. The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known
cure.

'We're going to have to amputate your penis'.

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'.

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want,
but surgery is your only choice'.

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that
he'll know more about the disease..

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes,
Mongorian VD. Vely lare disease'.

The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but
what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
penis?'

'What, cut your dick off!' The Chinese doctor shakes his head and
laughs: 'Gleedy Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more
money that way. No need to opelate!'

'Oh, Thank God!', the man replies.

'Yes', says the Chinese doctor, 'You no wolly! Wait two weeks, fall
off by itself!'

=====
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on September 19, 2008, 03:57:34 AM


yeah gyppo mate that belongs on this page..................havent heard it for a while but u know what?? somehow still makes me laugh...............

its like the man goes to the docs with a strange spot growing on his forehead. doc examines him and days strange very strange u have a penis growing out of yr head.......but dont worry in two weeks u wont be able to see it. the man asks why will it drop off.
doc replies no but the balls will cover yr eyes..................
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 19, 2008, 04:29:30 AM
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
 
 One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money
if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in
 Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the
child turned 18.
 
 She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To
keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
 'Spaghetti' On the back. He would then arrange for the child support
payments to begin.
 
 One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
 
'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
 
 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted.
 
 On the card was written:
 Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
 
 Three with meatballs, two without.

 Send extra sauce.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 19, 2008, 04:44:57 AM
Subject: TECH SUPPORT - INSTALLING HUSBAND



Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend  to Husband and noticed a distinct
slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and
jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance  and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs
such as AFL;  The Ashes; Football  and Golf Clubs

Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the
system. I've tried running Nagging  to fix these problems, but to no
avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

...................................................................

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband
is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to
download Tears  and don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that
application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the
applications Jewellery  and Flowers.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband  to
default to Grumpy Silence,  Happy Hour or Beer.

Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food  and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck, Tech Support

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: StrayDog on September 19, 2008, 11:33:33 AM
Dear IT Support,
 
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2,
which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
 
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
Other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
 
Successive versions of Girl Friend proved no better.
 
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and
left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
 
Eventually, I tried to run Girl Friend 1.2 and Girl Friend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
 
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this
Product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources.
 
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be
Very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
 
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
 
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and
can, without warning, launch Turbo Strop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
 
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
 
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.
 
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself'
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 24, 2008, 04:11:29 AM
A Woman had a facelift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonalds
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on October 02, 2008, 07:18:27 PM
Two Nuns, Sister Agatha and Sister Joan are driving through Transylvania in their ancioent but still serviceable Morris 1000.

Suddenly a vampire drops out of the sky, lands on the bonnet, rips off the windscreen wipers, and then starts clawing deep scratches into the glass.

Sister Joan slams on the brakes, winds down her window, sticks out her head...

"Go away, you nasty beast."

The vampire just grins, showing his fangs.

Sister Joan opens the door, steps out, and takes a swing at him with the KrookLok, that perfectly legal cudgel that more than one little old lady has used to good effect.  But the vampire just idly snatches it from her and throws it away.

"Begone, thou foul fiend."

The vampire jumps down off the bonnet and moves towards her.

"Show him your cross."  Agatha yells.  "Show him your cross!"

Sister Joan nods, draws herself up to her full height, stamps her foot, and shouts "F**k Off!"

=====

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DC on October 04, 2008, 03:32:28 AM
An Engineer's view...

(http://www.jonstephenson.com/humour/EngineersView%20of%20men%20and%20women.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 05, 2008, 06:36:11 PM
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,
when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5
ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector
light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice
horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Next year tell Santa;

The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top ..............
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 08, 2008, 03:47:41 AM
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat down next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, ''How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'

''What a coincidence,'' the farmer says. ''This is a special day for me - I am celebrating.' ''This is a special day for me, too! I am also celebrating,'' says the woman.

''What a coincidence!'' says the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he asked her, ''What are you celebrating?' ''My husband and I have been desperately trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!''

''What a coincidence!' says the man ''I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'' ''That's great!'' says the woman. ''How did your chickens become fertile?'

''I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, ''What a coincidence!...'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 09, 2008, 04:59:39 PM
Credit Crunch Hits Britain!!


(http://img379.imageshack.us/img379/9335/oldqueenkc7.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: devastator on October 11, 2008, 10:29:54 AM
joan was on her driving test, after a while the instructor told her to stop the car and said he had to ask her questions on the highway code..


now madam,  i have to ask you soem questions to make sure you will be safe on the roads, 

ok fire away  she tells him

 now then  your driving tho the countryside,,, can you name aroadsign thats common in the country

ohh thats easy  she said,,  eggs for sale
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 18, 2008, 07:06:35 AM
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how

you can be so much bigger than me.

We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.

Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.

See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'


 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on October 20, 2008, 05:32:04 PM
A young fella tells his girl friend that he's going out to buy some condoms.
He explains that there's a new brand this year called Olympics.
"What's special about them ?"  the young lady inquires.
"Well they have Gold ones, Silvers ones and Bronze too," he replies.
"Well you can wear a silver one tonight 'cause it's 'bout time you came second"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 20, 2008, 10:35:10 PM
Don't Mess with Farm Kids

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live
On a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
'Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens,
He kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.
When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother
Gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon,
And why don't I have any milk in my cereal? ' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you
Don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a
Week either.
I saw you kick the cow so for a week
You aren't getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and
Kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,
And says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on October 24, 2008, 05:43:58 PM
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. 

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for a clue.

"Well...  It's what mummy calls me sometimes."

The little girl shoves her plate aside and screams , "Don't eat it.... It's a f*cking arsehole!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: bod on October 24, 2008, 05:52:47 PM
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. 

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for a clue.

"Well...  It's what mummy calls me sometimes."

The little girl shoves her plate aside and screams , "Don't eat it.... It's a f*cking arsehole!"

lol. that is the funniest joke  :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 28, 2008, 02:14:26 AM
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on
the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and
puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the
man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks
why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement
Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'.
'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
 I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to
 work.'

 The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the
 agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to  'search'.

 Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits
 very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
 Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the
 agent's arm.

 The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man
 and says:  'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm
 making a note of her seat number and the authorities will
 apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few
seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO
paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so
again, I'm making note of his seat number for the
police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while,
sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the
agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over
the place.

The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and
can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would
behave like this,
So he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a
bomb.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 28, 2008, 02:17:21 AM
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

 

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. 

 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' 

 

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?' 

 

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing. 

 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 29, 2008, 07:08:42 PM
           An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to  Texas

              Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots,
              so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore
              them home.

              Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and
              said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about
              me?'

              Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

              Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom,
              undressed and walked back into the kitchen
              completely naked except for the boots.
              Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
              'Notice anything different NOW?'

              Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's
              different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging
              down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
              tomorrow!'

              Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S
              HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
              'Nope', she replied.

              'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
              BOOTS!!!!'

              Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
              'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
              Shoulda bought a hat.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: bod on October 29, 2008, 07:15:44 PM
 :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on October 29, 2008, 08:52:10 PM
Ha ;-)  That supplies the joke to go with one of my collection of overheard 'orphan punchlines.'

=====

Magic Mirror.

A man buys a dusty old mirror from a secondhand shop.  The shopkeeper tells him to be careful as the mirror is magic and will grant wishes to anyone who stands in front of it and asks nicely.  But the old man, as is traditional in these stories, warns him to be careful what he asks for.

The man takes it home, cleans it up, and gives it pride of place in his hallway.  It has cleaned up really well and he's rather proud of it.

On a whim he stands in front just before going out for the evening and says, "Magic mirror, I'd like to find a small bundle of banknotes in my jacket pocket when I put my hand in there."

Much to his surprise he does indeed find a modest roll of fivers which definitely weren't there before.

Emboldened by this he asks again.

"Magic Mirror.  I'd like to meet a really nice girl tonight, pretty, friendly, with a nice line in conversation, and have her come home to spend the night with me."

Sure enough things go just as he wished, and he meets a really nice girl, pretty, friendly, an easy talker and good listener, and she's delighted when he asks her to go home with him.  They have a great time, both of them thoroughly enjoying each other, and finally fall asleep just before dawn.

A few hours later, waking first and seeing her next to him, still looking as pretty as ever - if not more so -and smiling sweetly in her sleep he quietly sneaks downstairs to make them a morning cup of tea.  On the way back up, carefully carrying the cups so as not to spill any, he notices his still-naked reflection and decides he's not quite as well endowed as he'd like to be.  He thinks it would be nice to truly impress his new lady friend when she first sees him in the light of day.

"Magic Mirror.  I'd like a dick that touches the ground."

And his legs fell off.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 30, 2008, 04:16:51 AM
Kevin Rudd (Australian Prime Minister) called Julia Gillard (Deputy PM) into his office one day and said,

'Julia, I have a great idea!  We are going to go all out to win the
country voters.


'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.

'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats,

some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat.

Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.

We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the
bush.'

'Right.'  Said Julia.


Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set
off from Canberra in a westerly direction.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a
typical outback pub.

They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

'G'day mate,' said Rudd to the bartender, 'two middies of your best
beer.'

'Good afternoon Leader,' said the bartender, 'two middies of our best coming
up.'

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting,
nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their
feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled
old stockman, complete with stock whip.

He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked
underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up
to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went
back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in
and lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman
over.

'Tell me,' said Rudd, 'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under
the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?'



'Strewth no!' said the barman.
'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes!'



Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Ninny on October 30, 2008, 04:19:06 AM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
These jokes are all soo funny!!  I don't know any good jokes.   :'(
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 30, 2008, 04:52:02 AM
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that,
they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.


Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been
buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like
some more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any...'

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.

'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant.'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container .....



'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 31, 2008, 02:46:58 AM
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face
 
 was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they
 couldn't
 
 graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
 
 So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the
 
 only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have
 
 to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
 
 would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested
 
 that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very
 
 delicate matter.
 
 After the surgery was completed,
 everyone was astounded at the
 
 man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before!
 
 All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
 
 beauty!
 
 One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with
 
 emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you
 
 for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
 
 'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need
 
 every time I see your mother kiss my
 arse.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 31, 2008, 02:54:30 AM
The spoon:

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.


 

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.


 

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.


 

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'


 

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of Blockedysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently

dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.


 

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'


 

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.


 

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.


 

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'


 

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.


 

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.


 

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'


 

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.' 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on October 31, 2008, 04:04:33 AM
Prison vs. full-time job
Prison life versus a full-time job

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.

At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.

At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.

At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.

At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.

At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.

At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.

At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.

At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.

At work we have managers.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Orpheus on October 31, 2008, 05:29:46 PM
Following this jokes success on the Halloween thread, I thought I'd bring it over here as a special treat.

It goes something like this:

How did the spider manage to pass his exams?

Because he got all the answers off the web....

I actually made that joke up and I've copywrited it already, so hands off. 8)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on November 02, 2008, 07:30:51 AM
"Newspapers in Britain have been complaining a lot about Microsoft's spell-check program, because they say it will not accept British spelling. When reached for comment Bill Gates said, "Britain can kiss my arse."

  - Conan O'Brien
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on November 09, 2008, 03:57:57 PM
This has been around for years  - the figure quoted was 55 Million when I first heard it.  But today someone sent it to me again.

=====
 
For several years I've been  blaming it on age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin,  obesity, dieting, yellow wax build-up and another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth  living.

But the simple truth is, I'm  knackered because I'm overworked...

The population of this  country is 61 million.
 
31 million are  retired.

That leaves 30 million to do the  work.

There are 19 million at  school.

That leaves 11 million to do the  work.

2 million are unemployed and 4 million are  employed by the government to look after us.

That  leaves 5 million to do the work.

One million are in the armed forces, which leaves 4 million to do the work.

3 million are employed by County and Borough Councils to help the government to  look after us.

That leaves one million to do the  work.

There are 620,000 people in hospital and 379,998  in prisons.

Which leaves only 2 people to do the  work.

You and me.

And you are sitting on your arse reading this.

No wonder I'm bloody  knackered!

===== 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 11, 2008, 04:15:14 AM
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' ...And then the fight started...
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 12, 2008, 07:13:41 AM
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

 

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and

made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

 

Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'

 

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police

were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

 

'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,'

Grandma said, and she proceeded to the end of the line.

 

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the

prostitutes. When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow,

still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'

 

Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the

skin back and suck 'em' dry.'

 

The policeman fainted.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jeanette on November 13, 2008, 06:39:53 PM
Has anyone tried those new Korean meatballs from Tesco's?
They're the dog's bollocks!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Andrewf on November 21, 2008, 06:10:22 AM
Everything you wanted to know about Australia, but were afraid to ask!
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website ....



Question: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

Answer: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


Question: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

Answer: Depends how much you've been drinking .


Question: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

Answer: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...


Question: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

Answer: So its true what they say about Swedes.


Question: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)

Answer: Let's not touch this one.


Question: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

Answer: What did your last slave die of?


Question: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

Answer: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.


Question: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

Answer: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Question: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

Answer: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Question: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

Answer: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


Question: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

Answer: No, WE don't stink.


Question: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

Answer: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Question: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

Answer: You are a British politician, right?


Question: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

Answer: Yes, gay nightclubs.


Question: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

Answer: Only at Christmas.


Question: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)

Answer: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.


Question: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

Answer: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.


Question: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

Answer: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


Question: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

Answer: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Question: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

Answer: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.


Question: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

Answer: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 21, 2008, 06:25:50 AM
 ;D ;D ;D

Are you coming to test some of those answers out Andrew? They all true cept the Drop Bear.  ;)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on November 21, 2008, 07:33:05 AM
;D ;D ;D

Are you coming to test some of those answers out Andrew? They all true cept the Drop Bear.  ;)

Damn.  I really wanted to believe in the Drop Bear ;-)  I had visions of some long lost Aussie cousin of mine - descended from the family who went over on the £10 Migrant Scheme[1] - charging American tourists top dollar to let him spray them with human urine from a bucket and stirrup pump.  And just topping it up with water when he ran out of urine.  A nice little earner for someone who could keep a straight face whilst doubling up with hysterics internally.

[1]  They couldn't believe how quickly the rest of a normally 'thrifty' clan dipped into their pockets to donate towards the fare.

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Lin on November 26, 2008, 07:28:45 AM
My friend sent me this on Hotmail this morning.

A middle-aged woman

Seemed sheepish as she

Visited her gynaecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,

'you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,'

The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p?s in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,

Plink-plink-plink, and there were 10p?s and this morning there were 50p?s !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,

'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynaecologist put a comforting
Hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Ready for this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I'm warning you.....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Still not too late....delete now!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'You're simply going through the change!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: CarrieSheppard on November 26, 2008, 07:57:49 AM
I loved this pic - caption 'He did it!'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: FANON on November 26, 2008, 08:24:57 AM

Ever curious I asked our local blacksmith (who no longer shoes horses - just kids that annoy him), why he invariably stuck cocks on the top of his weathervanes. He said he HAD tried sticking c***** on top but his customers complained that the wind just whistled through them.

(I just put that to increase my 'postings' so I too can be a hero one day),  ::)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on December 01, 2008, 02:47:41 AM
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: bee_bum_you on December 01, 2008, 12:37:10 PM
When Felipe Calderon was asked why Mexico would not be participating in the coming Olympics he said, "Because everybody who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on December 04, 2008, 03:33:39 PM
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi  guy, an Australian

 bloke,  a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the  sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:

That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old

lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the  dark.

She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack  the Kiwi again...

 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on December 05, 2008, 12:57:44 AM
No matter what Moshe did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
'Hire a strapping young man. 
While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you.
That will help the wife fantasize, and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice.

They hire a handsome young man, and he waves a towel over them as they make love.
It doesn't help, and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife,
And you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice.
They go home, and hire the same strapping young man.

The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the husband waves the towel.
The wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:
'You see, you schmuck, THAT'S how you wave a towel!'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on December 08, 2008, 05:46:41 AM
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:




When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.


The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa, Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"



And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jeanette on December 08, 2008, 05:50:51 PM
Two squaddies, Paddy and Mick, are in Iraq, when suddenly a bomb goes off right next to them.
Paddy screams, 'Mick, Mick, mate, oh my god I've lost me legs!
'No you haven't you eejit,' says Mick.
'There they are over there.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: twisted wheel on December 08, 2008, 06:12:22 PM
Two squaddies, Paddy and Mick, are in Iraq, when suddenly a bomb goes off right next to them.
Paddy screams, 'Mick, Mick, mate, oh my god I've lost me legs!
'No you haven't you eejit,' says Mick.
'There they are over there.'
:D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on December 09, 2008, 05:04:55 AM
Six blokes go on a hunting trip.

Their tents only have room for two men in each.

No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns.
The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?'
He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different bloke's turn.

The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you?   You look awful!'
He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof.   I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.'
The third night was Frank's turn.

Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer; a man's man.

The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
'Good morning,' he says cheerfully.
His mates can't believe it.

They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'
Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed.   I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.   

Then he sat up and watched me all night.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Lin on December 09, 2008, 07:54:57 AM
Someone just sent me this



California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on December 11, 2008, 11:13:14 AM
In the spirit (sort of) of the season, we present the following "Christmas Carols for the Challenged":

- Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
- Dyslexia: slleB elgniJ
- Amnesia: I Don't Know if I'll Be Home for Christmas
- Narcissism: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
- Paranoia: Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me
- Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on December 11, 2008, 02:54:10 PM
A few rousing choruses of "Stalking In A Sniper Wonderland" got me around some exceptionally heavy Christmas deliveries  when I was a Postie.  I just used to whistle it when I was on the doorsteps and the customers - unaware of the words in my head - told me I was a wonderfully cheerful chap.  If they'd known...

"As my M40 fires
his life will expire..."

Gyppo  (Who used such mental tricks in order to demonstrate 'grace under pressure'.)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: CarrieSheppard on December 11, 2008, 03:29:49 PM
Forgive me - I just thought of this.

What's yellow and hides in the back of the wardrobe?

Banarnia

 ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Russell on December 12, 2008, 10:46:21 AM
Or a  meringue ;-)  Cast me back many years to the bakery foreman who provided a crash course in the understanding of Scots.  "Not sneezing Pepper, Laddie.  Greaseprood pepper!"

If we're doing dialect jokes, here's one borrowed from the Yorkshire writer Gervase Phin(n?).  If you can't read this in a Yorkie accent it won't truly work.

SCENE:  On a bus.

CHILD:  "Look at that watterfall."

MOTHER (being pedantic):  "Weir, Dear."

CHILD (pointing):  "Ovver theer."

Gyppo

 

lol This is gonna crack you up but i don't get this....nor the scots one with the eclair and meringue??

lol Someone please explaiiin!!

Russ
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on December 12, 2008, 03:13:45 PM
Sounds like you'm 'proper mazed' there, Boy.  Still, long as you don't get 'teasy as a fitch' it'll be okay.

"Course, if you was to go to Helston for the 'furry dance' on Flora Day, when there's nearly always a trainload or two of Scots visitors getting 'wrecked' on the locally brewed Spingo, you'd hear them moaning about the fact there was "Nae Bliddy Toilet Pepper in the Public Bogs'.

I must remember to check out Radio Scrumpy later.  Do you still have Radio Pirate down there?  Based around Newquay if I recall correctly.

Gyppo

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: CarrieSheppard on December 12, 2008, 05:12:07 PM
Russ, you need to listen how the strong Scottish (in these cases fairly Edinburgh I'd say) accent sounds.

Weir - as in where

A merangue - am I wrong

Och dear, jokes really do lose their punch when you have tae explennem, aye?

Carrie

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Russell on December 13, 2008, 12:04:04 PM
Sounds like you'm 'proper mazed' there, Boy.  Still, long as you don't get 'teasy as a fitch' it'll be okay.

"Course, if you was to go to Helston for the 'furry dance' on Flora Day, when there's nearly always a trainload or two of Scots visitors getting 'wrecked' on the locally brewed Spingo, you'd hear them moaning about the fact there was "Nae Bliddy Toilet Pepper in the Public Bogs'.

I must remember to check out Radio Scrumpy later.  Do you still have Radio Pirate down there?  Based around Newquay if I recall correctly.

Gyppo

 

Lmao, I had to giggle. Yeh we still have Pirate FM its based in Redruth.

Radio Scrumpy is an amatuer radio station its not big or anything in fact its only been broadcasting for a bout a week. At the moment its only music until we install the next phase of equipment which will allow us to broadcast live chat as opposed to live music.

If you check it out it would be great if we had some feedback.

I finally get the jokes now lol

Russ
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jade on December 13, 2008, 12:17:59 PM
This one had me in stitches, crawling on the floor...crying... Origin unknown, but absolutely hillarious..

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal- the Epilady, scissors, razors, and now...
...The Wax.
This method was no different.

My night began as any other normal weekday night.
Came home, fixed dinner, played with the kids.
It was only later, after they were in bed, that I had the idea that would prove to be my downfall: maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet.
So I headed to the site of my imminent destruction: the bathroom.
It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rubbed the strips together in your hand, they would get warm so that you could peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else), and the hair would come right off.

No muss, no fuss. So I'm thinking, how hard can it be?
I mean I'm no girly-girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. You'd think so, anyway.
So I pull one of the thin strips out.
It 's actually two strips facing each other, stuck together.
So instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to1000 degrees. Cold wax, my aunt Fanny.

I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin around it tight, and pull.
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.
I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and seeker of smooth skin extraordinaire. And so I forge ahead.
With my next wax strip, I move north.
Then, after checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair-fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (yes, it was a long strip).
I inhale deeply and brace myself.
RRRRIIIIPPPP!!!! I'm blind!!!!
Blinded from pain...OH, MY GOD!!!!

Vision returning,
I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip.
S**T!!!!
Another deep breath and RRRRIIIIPPPP. Everything is swirly and spotted...do I hear crashing drums??
OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy-a wax strip covered with the hairy pelt that has caused me so much pain.
I want to revel in the glory that is my victory over body hair.
Triumphantly, I hold up the strip. There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??
Even more importantly, WHERE IS THE WAX??

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair...the hair that should be on the strip.
I touch it...I am touching wax. S**T-I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax...and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...
remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?
Well, I know I need to do something.So I put my foot down.
DAMN!!!!
I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut.
Ass?? Sealed shut.

I penguin-walk around the bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and thinking to myself, Please don't get the urge to poop.
Hell, my head may pop off. Then I realized....Hot water!!
Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits, and the wax should melt.
Then I can gently wipe it off, right?? WRONG.
I get in the tub-the water is slightly hotter than then that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment-and I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub.
God bless the man who convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom.
I call my friend, thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret knowledge of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter:
So, my butt and my hoo-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub...
There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but at least she tries to hide the laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom:
Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?
She's laughing out loud by now; I can hear her.
I give her the 4-1-1 on the situation, and she suggests I call the number on the side of the wax-strip box.

Yeah, right...I should be the high point of someone else's night.
While we are going through various options, I am resorting to scraping the wax off with a razor.
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super-hot water and then dry-shaved to get the sticky wax off.
By now my brain is not working, my dignity has taken a major hike, and I am fast slipping into glazed-donut land.
Then, as my friend is talking with me, my hand gropes around and finds the saving grace... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on, and OH MY GOD!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids,and I know it scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care.
IT WORKS!! It really works!!
I get an enthusiastic (relieved) congratulations from my friend, who then hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then realize, to my grief and despair...
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!!!! So I shave it off.

And since I am currently in stitches - literally, from undergoing surgery - I physically cannot afford to tear myself open... so I'd rather lie down now...  
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on December 13, 2008, 10:04:40 PM
Jade, this is hilarious.

Thanks for passing it on.  :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: reddsh on December 15, 2008, 04:22:12 PM
In the spirit (sort of) of the season, we present the following "Christmas Carols for the Challenged":

- Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
- Dyslexia: slleB elgniJ
- Amnesia: I Don't Know if I'll Be Home for Christmas
- Narcissism: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
- Paranoia: Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me
- Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.

I just heard these at a Psychology Club Christmas Party.  Hilarious.  :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on December 16, 2008, 02:01:34 AM
A young man named John received a parrot named 'Chief ' as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
 

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite
 Words,  playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. 
 
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.     John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. 

  John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

  For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. 
 
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

 
 

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,

'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to
correct my rude and unforgivable behavior. ' 
 
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

 

'May I ask what the turkey did? '

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!



 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on December 16, 2008, 06:41:07 AM
BODY STATISTICS

 

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

 

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs .

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DC on December 16, 2008, 07:35:50 AM
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '


Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !


1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension



2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much




4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust



5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!





'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God s aid to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on December 17, 2008, 10:47:42 PM
(http://img389.imageshack.us/img389/4807/xmastreesssdz8.gif)

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?






It's always erect,
Stays up for 12 days and nights,
Has cute balls,
And even looks good with the lights on!

 

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Hugh on December 18, 2008, 08:25:12 AM
With acknowledgements to whoever originally made this up.  Someone in my wife’s art group give her a copy.


HAZARDOUS MATERIALS
DATA SHEET


Element:           Woman
Symbol:            WO2
Discoverer:       Adam
Atomic Mass:   Accepted at 55Kg
                        but known to vary from
                        45Kg to 225Kg
Occurrence:      Found in large quantities
                         in urban areas with trace
                         elements in outlying regions

Physical Properties

1.   Surface normally covered in powder and paint film
2.   Boils at absolutely nothing, freezes for no apparent reason
3.   Melts if given special treatment
4.   Bitter if used incorrectly
5.   Found in varying grades from virgin to common ore

Chemical Properties

1.   Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning
2.   Greatly increased activity when saturated with alcohol
3.   Affinity to gold, silver, platinum and all precious stones
4.   Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
5.   The most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Common Uses

1.   Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2.   Can be a great aid to relaxation

Tests

1.   Pure specimens turn bright pink when found in their natural state
2.   Turns green when placed next to superior specimen





Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on December 18, 2008, 03:58:55 PM
This is one that my kids always seem to bring home from school just before the hols.  Always good for a laugh.

Santa is busy working in his workshop late one night about a week before Christmas.  The elves have joined a union and opted to go on strike.  Vixen and the gang are having a major fight during rutting season and there's a shortage of food in the larder thanks to Mrs. Claus and her latest diet kick.  Santa, to say the least, is just about at the end of his tether when a soft knock comes at the door.

One of the servants still loyal to him answers it only to find a huge Christmas tree and a small angel.  The angel announces that it's a special delivery.  He then launches into a long tiresome speech about the spirit of Christmas and all things religious.  At the end he turns to Santa and politely asks,  "Where would you like the tree, sir?"

There's silence for a moment and then.......


Now you know how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree.


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on December 19, 2008, 03:37:11 AM


whats the difference between hard and light??


a man can get to sleep with a light on.................




a woman is woken up during the night by her husband stuffing her mouth with aspirins...........

what the hell u think u are doing? she shouts enraged

sorry says her hubby i thought u had a headache

i dont have a bloody headache says his wife


good says the man lets fuck! ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jade on December 19, 2008, 04:28:02 AM
Getting a Christmas Gift through customs...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother as a Christmas gift. It is unopened and well over the Customs limits,
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
 ::)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on December 19, 2008, 07:01:05 AM
good says the man lets fuck! Grin

Ah... nothing says, "I love you" like the ages old romantic approach, eh, Vienna?  LOL!!!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Hugh on December 19, 2008, 08:12:24 AM
Some women, with their young children, were at a group therapy session.

“Obsessions cause most of your problems,” the psychologist said.  “For instance, you,” he told one woman, “are obsessed with sweet things.  That’s why you called your child Candy.”

To a second he said, “Your obsession is for expensive cigarettes, so you named your child Sobranie.”

“Yours is alcohol,” he told a third.  “You called your child Brandy.”

With that, a women got up, took her little boy by the hand and said quietly, “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jade on December 19, 2008, 09:37:34 AM
 ;D :) ;D :)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on December 20, 2008, 07:54:54 AM
And now, one for the festive season.  Enjoy all!  LOL!!!

   One Christmas eve a woman wakes up very late to find her husband's side of the bed empty.  Sitting up totally bewildered she listens carefully for any signs of her mate.  The washroom is dark and silent, he's not there.  Arising from the bed she peers out into the hall but the children's rooms are unlit and silent also.  Confused, she moves along the landing listening carefully for any signs of her missing man.  She's just about to turn back to her bed when she hears a sound from below.  Peering over the banister she realizes it's the unmistakeable tone of weeping.  Rushing silently down the stairs she's shocked to find her husband curled in a fetal position beneath the huge Christmas tree.

   Hurrying over to him she tries to unfold him and put her arms around him.  "Sweetheart, what's wrong?"  she asks in worried tones.

   "You - you wouldn't understand." is the deeply mournful reply.

   "Honey, I'm your wife.  We've been married for 15 years.  What wouldn't I understand?"  she queries.

   "No!  No, it's too complicated for you..."  The weeping continues.

   "Is - is it the children?"  she casts a concerned glance back up the stairs.

   "No.  They're fine.  I can't tell you."  he replies between sobs.

   "Sweetheart.  Get a grip.  After all that we've been through, what couldn't I understand?"  her voice takes on a firmer tone.

   "Well, okay.  I'll try"  he says wiping at his tears stained face.

   There's a short moment of silence and then he looks at her.

   "Do you remember our first Christmas together before we got married?  At your parents cabin up north?  After everyone had gone to bed?"  he stammers.

   "How could I ever forget?"  she smiles at the memory, "I gave you my virginity in front of the fire as a special present and you made me the happiest woman on the planet.  You were so gentle, kind and loving.  It was absolutely incredible and so much more than I ever imagined."

   "Do you remember your father coming into the room?"  he questions her.

   "Oh yes,"  she giggles, " You were so great trying to cover us both without a stitch of clothing or blanket anywhere.  You were so cute trying to get out of me an my legs wrapped around you.  I wouldn't let you go.  Dad was so furious."  She's laughing almost hysterically now.
   
   "Do you remember what he said to me a couple of hours later when your mom got him calmed down?"  he asks.

   "Oh yes!  He said that you could either marry me or go to jail.  You were so scared."  she remembers, "But what has that got to do with your crying?"

   Wait for it, people....

   "I've just realized, I would have been free tomorrow!"  And the wailing starts all over and louder.

   Merry Christmas one and all!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on December 21, 2008, 09:28:35 PM
THE BOTTLE OF WINE


For  all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married,  or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about  the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was  driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona  when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the  road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would  like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the  woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally  tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo  woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until  she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What  in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at  the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my  husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another  moment or two.  Then speaking with the quiet wisdom  of an elder, she said:

'Good  trade.....' 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jeanette on December 22, 2008, 05:00:02 PM
Ha ha, Firefly. I'd have settled on just one glass  :) Don't know where you get all these gags from, they're great!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on December 22, 2008, 08:06:03 PM
words that should be in the dictionary, but are just one letter off

Skilljoy: The friend who's just a little bit better than you at everything.

Larger-Than-Wife: How a husband prudently describes other women.

IOUprofen: The economy's current drug of choice.

Loingerie: Underwear for men.

Igloot: Cold, hard, cash.

Limpostor: A perfectly healthy person who borrows a car with handicapped tags or plates.

Insulatte: The little cardboard sleeve around the coffee cup.

Knewledge: All the stuff you've forgotten.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on December 23, 2008, 04:21:38 AM
Good Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they
decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off
his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.
After they're done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how
did you figure that out?"

"I Didn't feel a thing!"



Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on December 23, 2008, 10:30:09 AM
A guy walks into a bar one day after a long day at work.  The boss has been on his case all day.  His co-workers have been arguing and fighting with him and amongst themselves.  His car was ticketed for being parked two minutes over the meter limit.  The last thing he needs is more bad news or problems.

After a couple of beers he's a bit more relaxed and notices an incredibly gorgeous babe a few seats down giving him the eye.  He sends her a drink and smiles when she moves closer to him.  The music on the jukebox starts a slow dance and she accepts his invite.  While they're waltzing around he can't ignore the unmistakable feeling of her pressing certain parts of her body against his.  Trying to control his excitement, he asks if she'd like to go somewhere else a little more private.  To this she nods and gives him a kiss that leaves him breathless.

They head back to her place where the door is no sooner bolted when their clothes are scattered and they're making the most incredible love he's ever experienced.  They do it in every room and in every position he can think of.  He's positive that this is definitely the woman of his dreams and that he wants to spend his life with her.

The next morning they're still at it and at one point, while taking a break, he asks if she minds his having a smoke.  She smiles and tells him that the cigarettes are in the drawer beside him.  Opening the bedside table the first thing that catches his eye is a picture of huge, naked, heavily bearded, overweight lumberjack. 

Turning to the woman he inquires if this is her husband.  Demurely she replies in the negative.  A boyfriend, perhaps?  Again the answer is no.  Father or brother?  The woman keeps smiling as she replies no to each query.  Cousin or some other relative?  More smiles and negative shakes of her head.

By now the guy is totally confused.  What woman would keep such a picture of a complete stranger framed in her bedside table?  The girl's voice takes on a deeper tone as she snuggles up to him and whispers,

"That's a picture of me.  Before the operations."


For the single guys reading this, think about this the next time you think you're getting lucky in the local watering hole.  Gives a whole new perspective on things, doesn't it?

Oh, and that knockout redhead that your boss just hired?  Are you sure...?
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on December 24, 2008, 07:48:25 PM
A young girl is looking for her mother one afternoon when she hears a strange sound coming from her parents bedroom.  Not wishing to disturb whoever is in there she quietly opens the door and peers in.  For a moment all she can do is stare but in backing out she makes a slight sound.  Her naked mother whips around and stares at her for a moment.  Then, grabbing her bathrobe and putting it on hurriedly she attempts to explain what the young girl has seen.

   "Daddy has a problem with his tummy and I do that to take the pain out."

   "Oh."  replies the girl in a calm tone, "Well, you're wasting your time mommy."

   "Why do you say that?" queries the mother.

   "Because every time you go out to do shopping or your girls night out, Lydia from next door comes in and blows the pain right back in again."

 
    :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on December 29, 2008, 01:31:37 AM
Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of
stress. I keep losing my temper with people."

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."

Patient: "I just did, you friggin' jackass!"

=====

The young woman approached the executive in front of his office and
said, "Please sir, give to take a wayward girl off the street."

"And how much do you suggest I give?" he asked.

"It depends," she smiled, "Entirely on how long you want to keep her
off of it."

=====

        One day a man, who has been stranded on a
desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck
on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks
to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he
begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat,
then even a raft.

        Slowly, emerging from the surf comes a drop
dead gorgeous brunette woman wearing a wet suit and
scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to
him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the stunned man.

        With that, she reaches over and unzips a
waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a
pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it,
takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man, is that
good!" "And how long has it been since you've had a sip
of bourbon?" she asks. Trembling, the castaway replies,
"Ten years."

        She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve,
pulls out a flask and hands it t him. He opens the
flask, takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's
absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts slowly
unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of
her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks,
"And how long has it been since you've played around?"

        With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his
knees and sobs, "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in
there too!"

=====

         "Appointment" (From either Buffalo or Stan
Kegel)

        A young man, fresh out of college, went to see
his doctor one day.

        "Doc, there's something wrong with me.  Every
time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest,
and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil
that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle
in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?"

        "Sure!" The doctor said.  "You have way too
much time on your hands!"

=====

        A friend was telling me about his favourite
sexual position, which he calls the 'Bugs Bunny'.  Man
on top and the girl has her legs up alongside her ears.

        Never again...  I'll never be able to explain
what I'm laughing about.

=====

        Source unknown:

        The military has many unique ways of looking at
problems. Many times even though the personalities
traits may be identical, they are always relative, by
rank. The system seems to handle each one differently.
However, the lower in rank you are, the clearer the
problem becomes.

BAD ATTITUDE:

THE COLONEL - Has his own way of doing things
THE CAPTAIN - Has initiative
THE SERGEANT - Often follows his own course
THE CORPORAL - Is a discipline problem and never
follows orders

***

UNKEMPT APPEARANCE:

THE COLONEL - Sets a different standard
THE CAPTAIN - Requires improvement in dress and
deportment
THE SERGEANT - Is untidy
THE CORPORAL - Is a scruffy bastard

***

STRANGE DEMEANOR:

THE COLONEL - Has a unique perspective
THE CAPTAIN - Is known to be eccentric
THE SERGEANT - Tends to be slightly off track
THE CORPORAL - Is a bloody flake

***

LOW INTELLIGENCE:

THE COLONEL - Possess a different way of thinking
THE CAPTAIN - Has problems with some concepts
THE SERGEANT - Is a slow learner
THE CORPORAL - Has the I.Q. of a garden slug

***

DOMESTIC SITUATION:

THE COLONEL - Interacts well socially with the fairer
gender
THE CAPTAIN Has many female friends
THE SERGEANT - Has been seen in the company of other
women
THE CORPORAL - Screws around on his wife

***
:
SEXUAL ORIENTATION:

THE COLONEL - Loves his men
THE CAPTAIN - Has an alternative lifestyle
THE SERGEANT - Has feminine qualities
THE CORPORAL - Is a screaming, prancing fag

***

SUITABLE PUNISHMENT:

THE COLONEL - A slight reprimand may be necessary if
this happens again
THE CAPTAIN - Requires disciplinary action
THE SERGEANT - Should be punished
THE CORPORAL - Should be thrown in a hole and buried
alive

***

AWOL:

THE COLONEL - Has taken an extended leave period
THE CAPTAIN - Is on personal administration
THE SERGEANT - Is not at work today
THE CORPORAL - AWOL

***

RANK IS FILLED BY A WOMAN:

THE COLONEL - Has worked hard and made her "sisters"
proud
THE CAPTAIN - Can do the same work as any man at her
rank
THE SERGEANT - Does well against the challenges her
gender must face
THE CORPORAL - Is probably a Dyke

=====






Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on December 29, 2008, 01:52:49 AM
    So here's another oldie which my Grandad would trot out with straight-faced but ponderous relish at most Christmas gatherings.

    Prince Phillip finds himself stranded in Wales one night as dark is falling.  He finds a little wayside pub where they provide an excellent meal and a room for night.  The landlord explains that although the only toilet is outside at the end of the garden he needn't venture outside as every room is provided with a chamber pot for 'nocturnal emergencies'.

    After a few more pints and some spirited discussion with the locals about 'slitty eyed foreigners' and other such non PC subjects the Duke goes up to bed, and nods approvingly at the fine traditional stone hotwater bottle.

    About 2am he is awakened by the call of nature and looks under the bed for the promised 'Gerry'/Thundermug/Guzunda/etc but fails to find it.   With the first hint of panic crossing his mind he recalls that in olden times the pot was sometimes tucked away in a prim little cupboard of its very own, but a rapid search fails to find it anywhere.

    By now things are getting urgent and a deperate remedy is called for.  He heaves up the sash window, remembers to stick a Royal Shoe in the gap as a safety measure in case the sash cord breaks - thus preventing the falling window from severing the line of succession - and lets fly into the darkness with a heartfelt Greek sigh of relief.

    In the morning a gentle knock on the door announces the arrival of breakfast, delivered by the landlord's wife.  Having slept well - and surmounted the nocturnal problem without any unseemly disaster - the Duke is in an excellent mood and casually mentions that he couldn't find the chamber pot.

    The woman walks straight over to the wardrobe, stretches up on tiptoe, and reaches down the pot from the very top, about seven feet above the floor.

    "There it is, Sir." she announces proudly.

    "Why the Devil did you put it all the way up there?"

    "Well, Sir.  My husband told me you were Special, Sir, and that we should do all we could to make things just right.  And after all..."


    "After all, Sir, you are the highest Pee-r in the land."
   

    (The old ones may not always be the best, but they're always the old ones.)

    Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on December 30, 2008, 07:06:41 AM
The 75-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's
office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than
anyone I know. Must be many hundreds!"

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got
from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said.

"Naw," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini!"

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on December 30, 2008, 09:51:07 AM
A elderly couple walk into a sex therapists office one day and ask if she can help them.  "Certainly," she replies, "What seems to be the problem."  Without another word the couple disrobe and proceed to have the most incredible sex the therapist has ever seen.  When they finish she stares at them speechless.  They ask if they can return the following week.  She nods and watches them leave.

This odd behaviour continues for several week with the old couple doing every position possible and leaving the therapist stunned and bewildered.  Finally, after nearly two months has gone by, she finds her voice and as they're getting dressed tells them she can't see any problem and that she wishes they could teach some of her other clients how to be so loving.

"Oh, it's simple really," replies the elderly lady reaching for her cane. "We can't go to his place because his wife might catch us."

"And we can't go to her place because her husband might catch us," chimes in the gentleman, "And the hotels charge incredible rates just to rent a room for a few hours."

"With you however, it's a flat $50.00 for a couple of hours and we can claim it on our health insurance!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on December 30, 2008, 07:03:03 PM
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on December 30, 2008, 07:10:42 PM
THE BLONDE JOKES TO (HOPEFULLY) END ALL BLOND JOKES...

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking...and one blonde says to the other:  "Which do you think is farther away....Florida or the moon?  "The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooo, can you see  Florida...?????

CAR TROUBLE  - A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.  She tells the mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.   She says, "What's the story?"  He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."   She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET  - A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.  She replied in a huff, "I wish you  guys would get your act together.  Just yesterday you take away my license and  then today you expect me to show it to you!"

KNITTING - A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!  Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled ,  "PULL OVER!"  "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN  - A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"  The American said, "We were  the first on the moon!"  The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"  The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook  their heads.  "You can't land on the sun, you idiot!  You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.  We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM  - A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.  Her question was,  "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She  thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLOND JOKES!  - A girl was visiting
her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.  Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Hellllllllooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

*****
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on December 30, 2008, 08:14:07 PM
Actually, there is one more blonde joke to end them all...

A guy walks into a bar crying from laughter.  Gasping, he manages to order a drink but keeps on laughing hysterically.   The patrons are bemused by his behaviour and convince the bartender  to  find out the  source.   In the end the bartender walks over and asks his customer what's so damned funny.                       

"Well," he starts, "I just met this fella and he just told me the funniest blonde joke  I've ever heard."

"Wait a minute,"  the bartender interjects, "You see the bouncers?  All three of them are blonde, the two guys at one end of the bar are blonde, the three guys at the far wall are all blonde, and I'm blonde, what kind of picture does that paint for you?"

"You 're right,"  says the man, "I don't think I've got the energy to explain  the same joke nine times."     :D

                                                                                                                                                         

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on December 30, 2008, 08:58:07 PM
Blondes
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face. Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time , but......" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on December 30, 2008, 10:45:34 PM
I never did get around to asking if any of our fellow author wannabes are blonde but as the jokes roll in...


Joke #1:

A blonde calls her boyfriend crying hysterically.  "You have to come over right away!" she screams.

Fearing the worst her boyfriend jumps into his car and drives as fast as he can.  Upon arriving at the girl's home he goes in to find her sobbing uncontrollably in the kitchen.  "Honey, what is it?"

The girl points to the table and screams, "I can't solve this puzzle!"

Seeing the mess, the young man picks up a box lying nearby and looks at it.  He takes a deep breath puts his arm around her and leads her into the living room.  Setting her down on the couch he assures her that everything will be okay.

"I'm going to make you some tea and get you a couple of aspirin.  I want you to lie down here and relax.  In the mean time, I'm going to go back to the kitchen and put all that cereal back in the box."


Joke #2:

Three blondes walk into a bar and order a round of drinks for everyone.  The bartender takes their money pours them a shot and watches as they quaff their drinks in record time.  After this they give themselves high fives all round and shout out, "25 minutes!"

They order a second round after which the same thing happens.  He's pouring the third round when he finally decides to ask them what is going on.  "Well," giggles the first blonde, "We just got this new puzzle with a picture of this cute tiger on it.  The box says 5 to 8 years but we did it in 25 minutes!"



And on that note, I'm retiring for the night.  My landlord IS blonde and I DON'T want him making a late night visit to see what I'm up to....   LOL!!!   :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on January 04, 2009, 08:11:17 AM
"Lizzie," asked Jill thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught another woman in bed with your husband?"

"With Phil?" Lizzie thought it over. "Let's see.......

I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on January 06, 2009, 07:49:45 PM
The Value of a Drink

'Sometimes  when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel  shame.   Then  I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and d reams .   If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.   
Then I say to  myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack  Handy

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell   
happened to your bra and panties.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   

'I  feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the mo rn ing, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. '
~Frank  Sinatra

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are  tougher, smarter, faster  and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~  Henny Youngman

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?   I  think not.'
~ Stephen Wright   

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep.  When we fall asleep, we commit no sin..
When we commit no sin, we go to  heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian  O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   

'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin  Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Without  question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry ~

 
WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave  Howell  ~


WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff  Clavin, of  Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it  went:

'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest  ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.  In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of  alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the b rain a faster and more efficient machine.  That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'   

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Norikoann on January 08, 2009, 12:56:09 AM
Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: matsamu on January 08, 2009, 11:30:32 PM
Want to hear a clean joke?

I took a bath with Bubbles
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: matsamu on January 08, 2009, 11:31:27 PM
Want to hear a dirty joke?

Bubbles is my neighbor...
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 09, 2009, 05:50:04 AM
So that's what the old song was about...

"I'm forever blowing Bubbles..."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 09, 2009, 03:18:15 PM
        ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN

        A young guy has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late.

        The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right. "I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"

        "Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

        "But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"

        "Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

        "Okay, boss."

        Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"

        "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

        "What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

        "Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

        *****
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: twisted wheel on January 09, 2009, 04:20:29 PM
haha :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on January 09, 2009, 08:31:35 PM
   One night after a nice hot shower a woman is looking at her body in the full length mirror between the bathroom and the bedroom.

   "Dear," she inquires of her mate, "What do you think of breast enhancement surgery?  Would it work for me?  Would you pay for it?"

   "I've got a much better idea." he replies nonchalantly, "It's much cheaper.  More effective and there's virtually no pain involved whatsoever."

   "Really?"  she exclaims wonderingly.  She didn't realize that her husband was so well read on the subject.  "What is it?  When can we get started?"

  "It's quite simple really." he replies, "All you have to do is rub some tissue between your breasts every time you go to the bathroom."

   "Huh?" she inquires, "How will that increase the size of my breasts?"

   "It worked for your butt, didn't it?" is his calm reply.

   He survived.  And with extensive therapy he may yet even walk again.

   LOL!!!    :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on January 10, 2009, 05:39:42 AM


yer know what?

i always thought pubic hair was bugs bunnys next door neighbour
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: sideshunter on January 10, 2009, 06:43:52 AM
 :D two buiscuits crossing the road. one says to the other "where do you live then?" the other buiscuit says: "I'm not telling you, you'll steal my washing"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on January 10, 2009, 06:47:41 AM


knock knock ...................

knock knock

who's there?

amos

amos who?

amosquito
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on January 10, 2009, 07:01:52 AM
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people 
who remarked it was a shame the old man
was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics
were right so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,
"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

So they then decided they'd both walk! 

Soon they passed some more people who
thought they were stupid to walk when
they had a decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who
shamed them by saying how awful to
put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably
right, so they decide to carry the donkey.   

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip
on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone,

you might as well...


Kiss your ass goodbye!
 
Have A Nice Day And
Be Careful With Your Donkey

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 10, 2009, 10:15:41 AM
Talking of donkeys...

A clan of irish tinklers move on from where they've been camping, leaving a dead ass behind.  After a few days it starts to bulge a bit and smell but whenever the locals try to get in touch with the council about removing it they just get fobbed off with a statement that the council have no legal obligation to move it.

Eventually the local priest tackles the council.

"I'm sorry, Father, but there's no way we are legally required to bury that donkey."

"I'm quite prepared to dig the hole and bury it myself," says the priest.  "But my rule book says I'm supposed to notify the relatives."

=====

Q:  Where do you bury a dead donkey?

A:  In an asshole.

=====

A gypsy gives a farmer £20 for a donkey and says he'll be back the next day with a trailer to take it away.  During the night the donkey dies.  When the gypsy asks for his money back the farmer says no.  The gypsy thinks about this for a while, loads the dead donkey into his trailer, and takes it away.

A month or so the farmer sees the gypsy at the cattle market and asks if the knacker gave him a good price for the dead donkey.

"I didn't flog it to the knacker.  I sold 2000 raffle tickets at £2 each over the Internet."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Only the man who won.  So I gave him his £2 back."

=====
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 11, 2009, 08:36:40 PM
        One of my newsletter readers sent the following, which I enjoyed and tinkered with, adding my own **GC** Gyppo Comments*

        Subject: Drinkers Guide: which one are you?

        In a magazine survey fifty bartenders were asked if they could identify a customer's personality by their choice of drink.

        The results:

        If a woman drinks - Beer. Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
        *GC*:  Fair enough, but she'll probably beat you ;-(  There's a Geordie folk song which describes this type perfectly, containing the lines;
         'She's a big lass and a bonny lass
        and she likes her beer.
        And her name it is Cushy Butterfield
        and I wish she was here.'

        If a woman drinks - Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella. Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass. Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

        If a woman drinks - Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Scotch and soda. Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Approach:  If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.

        If a woman drinks - Water. Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship. Approach: Don't.

        If a woman drinks - Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask). Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
        *GC*:  On the other hand you may intrigue her with the 'rough but honest' approach.

        If a woman drinks - Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc. Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue. Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.
        *GC*:  In the interest of keeping my head on my shoulders and my reproductive organs intact I have to say I've known several women who give the lie to this one.  On the other hand, there have been others who conform to stereotype by the third bottle...

        If a woman drinks - Cape Velvet. Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart. Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

        If a woman drinks - Shots & Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.) Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk and naked. Approach: Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.

        ***

        Men, as always, very simple and clear cut.

        If a man drinks - Cider: He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

        If a man drinks - Cheap Domestic Beer: He's poor/a student and wants to get laid.

        If a man drinks - Premium Local Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

        If a man drinks - Imported Beer: He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

        If a man drinks - Guinness: The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

        If a man drinks - Water: He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid.

        If a man drinks - Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
        *GC*:  Or he could be a trainee Wino who doesn't give a toss about sophistication and just wants to get drunk as cheaply as possible.  Being laid isn't really part of his plans, and even if happens he's just as likely to fall asleep part way through ;-)

        If a man drinks - Vodka or Brandy: Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
        *GC*: Despite my more famous exploits with Woods 100% Navy Rum I did have a passionate 6 month affair with Brandy.  Can't recall ever recall waking up with a strange scarf though.  But with all that brandy I wouldn't would I?  Little Blue Demon territory ;-)

        If a man drinks - Port: Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

        If a man drinks - Whisky: He doesn't give two Sh*ts about anything and will hit anyone who gets in his way of getting laid.

        If a man drinks - Jack Daniels: Not as masculine as the whisky drinker,knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

        If a man drinks - Rum or Tequila: Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
        *GC*:  A definite element of truth in this ;-)

        If a man drinks - Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc: He's gay (blatantly).

        *****
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: CaddyJ on January 11, 2009, 08:40:22 PM
What do you call a fat fellow that makes you pee in a cup?

A meaty urologist.

What do you call a flat chested nymphomaniac?

A non-dairy creamer!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on January 11, 2009, 08:43:49 PM
What do you call a flat chested nymphomaniac?

A non-dairy creamer!


LOL!!!  Thanks for that, Caddy!  I'll keep it in mind the next time the missus and I have a dust up....   LOL!!!   :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 12, 2009, 09:24:25 AM
        British Groaner Award?

        Two men are lost in the Sahara desert. They're
desperate for water, but just as they think they're
about to die, they chance upon a village where market
day is in full swing. They go to the first stall they
see and ask if they can buy some water.

        "No," replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only
sell fruit. Try the next stall."

        So off they go to the next stall and again they
ask for water. "Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only
sell custard."

        "Custard?" one of the men says to the other,
"What kind of place is this?"

        By now desperate, they go to the next stall,
only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly."

        Hearing this, one of the men turns to the other
and says, "This is a trifle bazaar."

        ***
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on January 13, 2009, 06:58:17 AM
"Do you know what you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Athiest? Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason."
- Guy Owen
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on January 13, 2009, 07:12:10 AM


 hmmmmmm gets harder to find a joke thats politically correct................
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on January 13, 2009, 07:13:40 AM


watson comes home to find sherlock painting the entrance and door to the house yellow...........whats that, what are u doing holmes asks watson

oh that replies holmes it's a lemon entry watson
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on January 13, 2009, 08:15:21 AM


and the final stage of mad cow disease??

feminism...................... ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on January 13, 2009, 08:18:18 AM
does this mean that male chauvinism is the first stage?  finally!  justification for letting some women get hit by slamming doors!  LOL!!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on January 13, 2009, 08:20:37 AM

lol yeah

told that one to the missus . she replied and why dont u men get mad cow disease?

no idea i innocently replied

cos men are all pigs.....................nice one luv
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Darkmoore on January 15, 2009, 06:48:58 PM
What do clouds wear under their clothes?
Thunderware.


What's an archeologist?
Someone whose career is in ruins


What happens when two snails fight?
They slug it out.


A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Darkmoore on January 15, 2009, 06:49:14 PM
A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on January 16, 2009, 06:29:33 AM
   A little girl runs into a room where her mother is meeting with some ladies.  She makes a great noise searching for something.  The mother is puzzled and asks her what she is doing.

   "I'm looking for some tools so that I can help daddy." is the hurried reply.

   "Why?  What sort of work is he doing?"

   "Well, I just heard daddy talking with uncle Dave and uncle Bob.  They all said they'd love to screw the ass off the new maid."

    :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on January 16, 2009, 07:42:21 AM


nice one narn lol

and the little boy who wanders into his parents bedroom to find his mum sitting on his dad going up and down like the clappers

what u doing mummy?
well son daddy has some wind in his tummy and mummy is pumping it out she says
that wont do any good mummy cos as soon as u have left for work, the lady next door comes round and blows it all back in again  ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 16, 2009, 08:39:01 AM
True tale...

i was having coffee with a friend him and his wife one day when their little lad walked in.

"Hello...  Mummy and Daddy were fighting in bed this mornng."

"Shut up, Davey."  My friend was turning red and so was his missus but - being blessed with a more robust sense of humour - she was laughing as well.

"Oh yes...?"  I stirred the port gently.

"Yes!  And they had no clothes on."

"Shut up, Davey." Nigel  attempted to play the stern father, a role that never worked with young Davey.

"But Mummy was winning..."

"Really?"  Carol was struggling to get her cup onto the floor without spilling, her belly bouncing up and down with almost uncontrolled mirth.  "How could you tell?"

Nigel glared at the lad, but by now - with two adults out of three laughing their heads off - he was unstoppable.

"Because she was on top!"

=====

   
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on January 16, 2009, 03:32:04 PM
I've only got a minute here folks so I thought I'd drop of a few quickies for you that  a friend passed on to me...


Subject: HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

For all of you who are married, ever been married, thinking about getting married, have a serious significant other, or otherwise engaged in a relationship  - - these are for you!  (Gyppo, you've probably already lived or heard most of these so you can go back to sleep now.)

My wife sat down on  the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She  asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
          ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for  our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something  shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight  started...         

        ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high  school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,'  I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she  took to drinking right after we split up those many  years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a  person could go on celebrating that long?'
And  then the fight started...

       ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

I took my wife to a restaurant.  The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,  please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the  mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
A  woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her  husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near  perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ------
I  tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light  for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold  cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make  her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent  babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a  loud noise came from outside.
The woman,  bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man  'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man  jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the  window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a  thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to  the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your  husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why  were you running?'
And then the fight  started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly  dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped  quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up  to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a  torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50  mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the  radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all  day.
I went back into the house, quietly  undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled  up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,  and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you  believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I asked my wife, "Where do you  want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my  heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.  "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A  Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and  said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she  answered.
I then said, "Is that your final  answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time,  simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like  to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight  started....
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on January 16, 2009, 06:45:28 PM
Here's another that a friend of mine just posted to me...

Two men are just finishing their showers in a local gym.  One guy, very overweight sits down and lets out a deep mournful sigh.

"What's wrong?"  asks the skinny guy.

"It's my penis.  I haven;t seen it in months."  replies the fat guy.

"Have you ever tried to diet?"  asks the skinny guy.

(Wait for it...)

"What colour?"

diet  = dye it   LOL!!!   :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on January 17, 2009, 07:15:21 PM
I'm not sure if this is based on a true story but I've heard it told so many times it very well could be...

(appropriately it's entitled... Love In The Dark)

A man comes home from a business trip very late one night.  Not wishing to disturb his wife, he changes quietly in the dark and slips into bed beside her.  Knowing that she may be asleep, he puts his arm around her and snuggles up to her backside for a moment.  Surprisingly, he feels the backside rubbing back against him.  Not believing his good fortune and not wanting to waste the opportunity, he mounts her and soon has one of the most incredible experiences that he's ever had.

A few moments after finishing he quietly leaves the room and makes his way down the hall to the bathroom.  Inside he finds his wife.

"Oh, honey, you're home.  I wasn't expecting you." she says to him after giving his stunned face a kiss.  "Listen, I hope you won't mind but my mom has really been grieving since losing dad last month so I've been letting her stay here.  I gave her our bed for a few nights."                   
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 17, 2009, 07:24:19 PM
[Shudder!]
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on January 17, 2009, 07:26:03 PM
[Shudder!]

Not related to the tale, are ye Gyp....?  :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 17, 2009, 07:32:07 PM
No, but even the mere thought of my ex Ma-inlaw and a few common-law in-laws makes me shiver.

I need to think of something funny now in case I have nightmares.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on January 17, 2009, 07:36:58 PM
I'm with you on that one, bud!  Let me know what you come up with!  LOL!!!   :D

Perhaps the old space joke might help a little...?

What do the letters N A S A stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts.  :D ?
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 17, 2009, 07:45:34 PM
A man and his wife are supposed to be going to a fancy dress party.  She is going dressed as a fairy and he's going in a gorilla suit.  The wife is struck down with a blinding migraine and insists that hubby should go on his own, despite his not really wanting to go without her.

A couple of hours later she feels fine, so she thinks she'll go along and surprise him.  When she arrives the party is in full swing and the gorilla is the life and soul of the party, dancing closely and hugging every pretty wench in sight.

So she singles him out and they wow everyone with their erotic dancing, then she takes him outside into the garden, unzips the lower end of the zip on his suit, and gives him a stunning blowjob.

Then, before he can say anything she kicks up her fairy heels, runs  away and goes home to bed.

About 2 am he comes home and finds her sat up in bed, reading..

"Did you have a nice time, Dear?"  She asks sweetly.

"No.  I told you I wouldn't enjoy myself without you.  I just sat in the kitchen with some of the lads, drank a few beers, and played a few hands of cards.  It just wasn't the same without you."

"Really?"

"Yeah, lousy.  But the bloke who borrowed my gorilla suit had one hell of a night."

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on January 18, 2009, 06:53:31 AM
well to be politically correct and not use any b*d l*n*u*g*...........


a man goes into a pub orders a beer, drinks it and goes home again................... :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on January 18, 2009, 09:53:37 AM
An elderly couple both die in car crash and are taken up to heaven.  Once there an angel explains where they are and proceeds to give them a tour around everything.  At various locales they see quite a number of huge feasts in progress with large platters of some of the most fattening and dangerous foods ever heard of.  The woman is horrified and instructs her husband not to look or even thinking of consuming such things.  He looks everything over and ponders the price.  Repeatedly he is told by the angel that this is heaven and that everything is free.  This goes on for some time and in the end the angel takes them to one side and asks them what seems to be the problem.

"Well, for starters," begins the wife before her husband can say a word, "You should never tempt anyone with such destructive foods that are not healthy."

"But," the angel explains, "You're dead.  You're in heaven.  You don't need to worry about such  things ever again."

"Really?"  asks the husband.

"Yes, it's all free and it can never harm you."  is the angel's reply.

Immediately the husband begins to curse his wife.

"Now what's wrong?" asks the angel.

"Well, if hadn't been for her lame excuses of saving money and eating nothing but bran muffins and grass and other nonsense, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

             
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on January 19, 2009, 07:14:24 AM
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on January 19, 2009, 08:01:52 AM
Hey!  I resemble that remark!  LOL!!!  :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: CarrieSheppard on January 19, 2009, 08:25:25 AM
What is pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff

What is blue and fluffy?

.
..
...
....
.....
......

- pink fluff holding it's breath -
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 19, 2009, 10:52:44 AM
What is white and fluffy then?

Pink fluff that held it's breath a little too long.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on January 20, 2009, 07:26:26 AM
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, 'Nope,
sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...
what'll it be?'
 
The woman did not hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East ..
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other And I
want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will
bring about world peace and harmony.'
 
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lady, be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape
after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good!
I don't think it can be done.
 
Make another wish and please be reasonable.'
 
The woman thought for a minute and said, ' Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic,
likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets
along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.
That is what I wish for...a good man.'
 
The genie let out a SIGH, rolled his eyes and said,
 
'Let me see the bloody map again.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Andrewf on January 20, 2009, 07:48:07 AM
LOL FF...   :P :P :P :P :P :P :P
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: CarrieSheppard on January 20, 2009, 08:02:41 AM
What did the hat say to the bra?

"You give these two a lift, I'll go on ahead"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on January 20, 2009, 12:41:18 PM
Two crisps walking along the road.
A car pulls up and asks if they want a lift.
One says "No thanks, we're walkers!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 20, 2009, 01:54:29 PM
Two buckets of sick were walking along a road...

(I know, I know, it's a bizarre image, but try and suspend your disbelief long enough for me to reach the punchline.)

They walk halfway acros town then one of them suddenly sits down on th pavement and bursts into tears.

(Stay with me.  If you can accept walking buckets the rest should be easy.)

"What's up?" asks the other one.  And in between huge sobs the first bucket of sick replies...

"I was brought up around here."

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on January 22, 2009, 03:36:30 AM
Man says to Doctor: I can't sleep. Everytime I lay on my left I hear 'The Green Green Grass of Home,' and when I lay on my right, I hear 'Delilah.'
Doctor: I'm afraid you have a case of Tom Jones Fever.

Man: Tom Jones Fever? Is that common?

Doctor: Well, It's not unusual.........

 ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jeanette on January 25, 2009, 10:53:26 AM
Paddy's flying the Ryanair flight in from Dublin when the plane gets into trouble. He calls the control tower:

"HELP, HELP. New year's day, halloween, bank holiday Monday, Christmas, Easter, guy fawkes night, Shrove Tuesday"

The flight controller replies: " for God's sake, Paddy. It's 'MAYDAY'"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jeanette on January 25, 2009, 10:59:20 AM
an old guy totters into the chemist and asks for a bottle of "blue pills"
'And I want them cut into quarters, please,' he says.
The chemist says 'well, I can do that for you, but you won't get a full erection with just a quarter tablet.'
The old guy says, 'Look, mate, I'm 96. I don't have much use for an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough
so that I don't wee on me slippers.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: GondorianPrincess on January 26, 2009, 11:01:29 PM
OMG! That's sick that is. Funny thing is, I know that a Chemist means Pharmacy in American! *lol*

A blond walked into an appliace store, she asked the clerk for the wash machine behind said counter.
the Clerck replies "Sorry, we don't sell to blonds,"
The blond huffs and walks out of the store.

Later, a brunette walks into the store.
She asked the clerk for the wash machine.
He goes "Sorry, but we don't sell to blonds,"
The brunett huffs and walks out.

Later, a red head walks into the store.
She asks the clerk behind the counter for the wash machine.
He goes "Sorry, but we don't sell to blonds,"
SHe walks out in a huff.

Later a woman with green hair walks into the store.
She wants the wash machine but again the man turns her down.

"Okay," she glares at him, "How do you know that I'm a blond?"
"Because, that ain't a wash machine..."
"What is it then?" she askes.
"It's a microwave!"

(sorry to any and all blonds. It's normal where I come from)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on January 27, 2009, 01:44:15 AM
(http://img216.imageshack.us/img216/9130/cathairlessup2.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on January 27, 2009, 01:48:09 AM
Now here is a question you do not get too often..

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.  She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady: 'Do you have a vagina?'  She slams the door in disgust...

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina'.  She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.  The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home, just in case this guy shows up again'. 

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.  The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same bloke, I want you to answer ‘Yes’ to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it'. 

She nods ‘Yes’ to her husband and opens the door.  Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.  ‘Do you have a vagina?'.......

 'Yes' she says......

The man replies, ‘Good!  Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?’

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: GondorianPrincess on January 27, 2009, 08:44:55 PM
                          *snirts*


                           *snorts*

 
                            *coughs*

                            *laughs*


OMG!!!!!! That's a right good way of telling someone that their spouce is cheating. I'd love to see that one on Dr. Phil one of these days. I'd die of laughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on January 28, 2009, 03:37:20 AM


a man goes to the doctors and says doc u have to help me, i have a problem with farts. They are really loud and its embarassing luckily they dont smell.

the doc writes him a prescription and tells the man to take 3 a day and come back in two weelks  time

two weeks later the man returns and says doc those pills were no good the farts are not not only loud but really stink horribly now.

doc says right, now  we have got your nose sorted out we can start on the farts...................
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on January 28, 2009, 07:18:57 AM
An old man lies dying in his bed with his wife by his side.  The priest has given him last rites and he gazes long and lovingly at his wife.  Asking the priest to excuse them, he turns to his wife and whispers hoarsely,

"My darling, I have something to confess to you..."

"Ssshh..." she soothes him "Don't waste your energy.  Rest."

"But, it's important."  he replies.

"Okay, if it will make you feel better."  she smiles at him.

"Well,  a number of years ago, when y our sister still had a hot body and your had already started to wilt, I had a very torrid affair with her.  We believe that several of her children may indeed be mine.  I am so sorry, dear."

"Oh, is that all?"  she inquires, continuing to smile at his weakening condition.

"You forgive me then?"  he asks.

"Don't you worry about it."  she assures him, "I killed her right after the dna tests confirmed everything.  Now, please lie back and let the poison do its work."

:))
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on January 30, 2009, 09:26:44 AM


whats the diference between a Lada and a Jehovahs Witness??

you can shut the door on a Jehovahs Witness................
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on January 30, 2009, 09:32:38 AM
Sorry to derail the thread, but what's a "Lada"?
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 30, 2009, 09:58:57 AM
Cheap Russian car which used to have a reputation for falling apart when it went over a bump in the road.  I'm told they've improved a lot since then.

The butt of many jokes., such as...

Q:  How do you double the value of a Lada?

A:  Put a gallon of petrol in it.

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on January 30, 2009, 10:01:15 AM
What's the difference between a Lada and a sheep? Answer... It's marginally less embarrasing getting out of the back of a sheep...
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on February 01, 2009, 11:07:54 AM
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan ,
was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal
rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought
in the head of a deer before you shoot him?
Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed
my brother?' "

Nugent replied, "I don't believe deer are capable of that
kind of thinking. All they care about is,
'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next,
and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much
like the French."

The interview ended at that point.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on February 01, 2009, 11:10:31 AM
and another one

An old man on his deathbed implored his wife,
"When I am gone I want you to marry Fred."
"Why Fred?" his wife asked. "You have hated him all of your life!"
"Still do," gasped the old man.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: GondorianPrincess on February 01, 2009, 11:13:44 AM
Tommy walked into the office one day to find the new blond girl (Blondie) painting the wall. He did a double take because Blondie was wearing a fur coat and a demin coat over her office attire. After puzzling over this for a couple of moments he went over to her and asked "Why aren't you wearing overals or something that's old in order to paint?"

Blondie gave him a look and replied - "The directions said that for best results, put on two coats,"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on February 01, 2009, 11:15:55 AM
What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next,
and can I run fast enough to get away?

Funny, I've always heard that that's the most common thinking amongst most Hollywood celebrities.  It's what makes them family, somehow...  :)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: GondorianPrincess on February 01, 2009, 11:22:39 AM
What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next,
and can I run fast enough to get away?

Funny, I've always heard that that's the most common thinking amongst most Hollywood celebrities.  It's what makes them family, somehow...  :)

*lol*
That possibly part of the reason why they're always using a treadmill! *lol*
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on February 01, 2009, 11:28:54 PM

A Muslim was sitting next to Luke on a plane. Luke odered a
whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips!'
Luke handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we
had a choice!'
**************************
Luke calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How
many people are flying with you?'
Luke  replies 'I dont know! Its your frigging plane!!'
*************************
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex  Luke says 'I wonder how the girls are
getting on'
***********************
Luke takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She
undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I
want dont you?'
Yeah,' says  Luke. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
**********************
Q. What 's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if
you get a dodgy one!
***********************
Luke the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service
for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional
opinion it was a death trap!
***********************
Luke & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is
barking like mad in the garden.  Luke says 'To hell with this!' &
storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did
you do?'
Luke replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how
they like it!''
***********************
Luke is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have
Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had
mobile phones!'
***********************
Bob Brown & Luke are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Bob  say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Luke says 'Whats his name?'
Bob  replies 'Miles from London !'
***********************
An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay.  Luke  drives
past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its
thick bastards like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over
there & kick the shit out of you if I could swim!'
************************
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on February 02, 2009, 04:27:57 AM


hey im an irish muslim called luke and these jokes are not politically correct!!

bloody funny though ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on February 02, 2009, 09:00:15 AM
  hey before you read this joke there is swearing in it, I dont want another bollocking for using bad language ;D

an englishman is in Wales on holiday, sitting in the pub on the last of 14 nights. The weather is bad, its been raining for two weeks, the beer is weak and the people unfriendly. The barman comes over and asks whats wrong with you boyo?
the englishman replies you need to ask? rain for 14 nights, bad beer, ugly women and you welsh are so unfriendly

unfriendly is it boyo, look if I go to a foreign country I try to learn a bit of the language. Next time you meet a welshman try saying yakki dar boyo yakki dar.

what does that mean. Barman tells him its a friendly greeting, so collar up hat down against the rain the miserable englishman goes out into the rain.
In the distance he sees the weak light of a bike coming towards him, nearer and nearer and as it gets alongside him he shouts yakki dar boyo yaki dar to which the cyclist replies "f*c* off you welsh b*st*r*................... ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on February 02, 2009, 09:50:03 AM
Two English 'Upper Class Twits', Rodney and Charles go for a week's Salmon fishing in Ireland and catch sod all.  They see a few decent fish, but not one of them can be tempted to take a fly.  On the last night they're in the pub drowning their sorrows wen in come two locals carrying a magnificent shiny Salmon which must weigh all of forty pounds.

Charles goes up to the bar, offers the two fishermen a pint and pumps them for information.

"What kind of fly did you use?"

"Bejasus, Sir.  We don't mess around with that fancy stuff.  Pat here hangs me upside down by my ankles over the bridge and when I grab a fat fish I call him to pull me back up.  As you can see, it works."

Charles goes back to Rodney, describes the technique, which they both feel is terribly unsporting,and they have a several more glasses of spirits before leaving.

Half a mile down the road they come to a bridge.  Rodney looks at Charles and says "We don't need to let on how we caught it, do we?"

In a minute Charles is upended, with Rodney holding tight to his ankles.

Two minutes later he hears an urgent "Rodders, Old Chap, could you pull me up a bit smart-like."

"Have you caught one already?"

"No, but there's a bloody train coming."

(A good pub story, told with actions and voices.)

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on February 02, 2009, 10:01:10 AM


not heard that one for a while gyppo nice one
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on February 02, 2009, 11:04:34 AM

The Italian who went to malta?

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italia! Arrivederci.


an old one but a classic ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Hugh on February 02, 2009, 11:10:20 AM
You're right, vienna.  You can't beat a good old 'un.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on February 02, 2009, 09:50:22 PM
(http://img401.imageshack.us/img401/6/oldmaximelr4.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: GondorianPrincess on February 02, 2009, 10:38:50 PM
(http://img401.imageshack.us/img401/6/oldmaximelr4.jpg)

I shall have to remember that!

Okay. this really is awesome in real life. It's kinda a joke and kinda not.
The next time you and a friend say the same thing at the same time and that friend just happens to say.

"Jinx you owe me a soada,"

you reply...

"The jinx machine is out of order, please insert another quarter!"

*lol*

its amusing. My sibs and I do this all time.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: lewhumiston on February 02, 2009, 11:47:24 PM
Q:  What did the snail, riding on the back of the turtle say?
A:  Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

This is the only forum appropriate joke I have. 

Lew
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on February 03, 2009, 04:46:39 AM
(http://img504.imageshack.us/img504/3268/bikersha2.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: oliver on February 04, 2009, 12:56:28 AM
Where the hell am I!!!

Oliver
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on February 04, 2009, 10:42:33 AM
Where the hell am I!!!

Oliver

Don't feel lonesome Oliver. I wonder the same thing at least once a day.  ???
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on February 06, 2009, 01:04:25 AM
Better than a Flu Shot!   

  Miss Beatrice,


The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister

Noticed a   

  cute glass bowl

Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled

With water,

And in the water

Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned

With tea and scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied,

'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through

The Park a few months ago

And I found this little package

On the ground.

The directions said

To place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know

I haven't had the flu

All winter.'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on February 08, 2009, 09:24:36 PM
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,   

'What a Great chest you have!'   

He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'What massive calves you have!'                   

The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'     
   
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.   
   
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.  He catches up to her and asks why she ran  out of the apartment like that.                 
 
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on February 11, 2009, 07:41:17 AM
A smart blonde, a dumb blonde, Santa Claus, and the Easter bunny were walking along when they saw $100. Who got the money?
The dumb blonde because the other three don't exist. ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on February 16, 2009, 10:35:44 PM
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared .......




'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00

AT WOOLWORTHS !!'   

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Hugh on February 25, 2009, 08:16:32 AM
I don't know if these have been done before.  If so, apologies.  I've just heard them.


Paddy asks Murphy, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards from the boat?"

"You thick twit, Paddy.  If they fell forwards they'd still be in the f****ing boat."

                     ---------------------------------------

Only two banks will survive -- the blood bank and the blocked bank.  When they merge, it will be staffed by bloody wankers.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on February 25, 2009, 08:24:42 AM
Hudson A320 crash - "definitely terrorism"

After Federal Avian Authority tests on the downed Hudson Airbus A320’s engines proved unequivocal - Barack Obama has come under growing pressure to take military action against Iran.

The head of the joint intelligence agency confirmed that even though DNA evidence proved all of the geese were in fact Canadian (Branta Canadensis) , there is growing evidence that 15 of the 19 geese had Iranian passports and had links with the rogue Persian state.

Additional evidence.

An un-named CIA official also showed what appears to be the leader of the gaggle photographed at a secluded European lake, and the children of the Iranian ambassador passing small white items to him.

"We don't know at this moment what was said, or what exactly the significance of those small white items is, but it doesn't look good".

Further indications that the geese were international terrorists revolve around suspicious movements across secluded border routes not long before the attack. "If they had nothing to hide, why did they fly at low level across unmanned border crossings in a formation designed to confuse our radar?"

Meanwhile, the Canadian Government is relieved it is no longer the prime suspect. The spokesman for the Canadian Avian Affairs Committee said to reporters that even though he was happy the US no longer held them directly responsible for the attack - he was still saddened that a number of native Canadian inhabitants had let themselves be led astray and had blindly followed a wayward leader.

"It was a rather bird-brained plan, flying head-on into the flight path of an airliner."

Meanwhile, the French security services deny holding a number of avian suspects at an undisclosed location and subjecting them to a process very similar to the banned waterboarding torture technique. Even though photographs leaked onto the internet appear to show French plain clothes agents forcing liquid via a tube down the throat of a number of geese " we can confirm categorically that we do not engage in the torture of geese, and all techniques are in compliance with local and international standards"

 

 

Well, it made me smile…

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on February 25, 2009, 08:25:58 AM


why is blocked white and urine yellow?

so an irishman can tell if he is coming or going of course
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on February 25, 2009, 08:30:49 AM
Photographic evidence to support Jakey's recent posting about terrorist geese.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on February 25, 2009, 08:44:17 AM
The importance of spelling...  This newspaper clipping makes the point.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on February 25, 2009, 09:20:31 AM
Quote
The importance of spelling...  This newspaper clipping makes the point.

Ouch !!!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: ghusa on February 26, 2009, 04:48:45 AM
<<- - -- - - -- - - -  - - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - -- <
<<- - -- - - -- - - -  - - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - --<
A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately, there is a pile of dog shit just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.

A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of shit, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.

The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."

The big guy punches him in the mouth.

<<- - -- - - -- - - -  - - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - -- <

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to piss, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the pub. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.

There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"

At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to piss, and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you stupid son-of-a-bitch, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

<<- - -- - - -- - - -  - - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - --<
<<- - -- - - -- - - -  - - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - - -- - -- - - -- - -- <[/move]
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Hugh on February 26, 2009, 08:03:16 AM
Don't know if your jokes are good or crap, ghusa.  Haven't tried to read them, because of those annoyiong, distracting mobile arrows.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on February 26, 2009, 09:23:21 AM
We all know the story about Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, right?

But did you know there was actually eight dwarfs...?  The eighth dwarf was a bold character named "Gropy".  Seems he tried to get Snow White to guess his name also.  Well, she was busy cooking at the time and when he went into his act, she clocked him with a frying pan........   Now, you know the rest of the story.....   :)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: mouselady on February 26, 2009, 01:05:22 PM
Q: What's white and depressed?

A: A bi-polar bear.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on March 01, 2009, 10:19:32 AM
A well worn dollar bill and a similarly distressed
twenty arrived at the bureau of Engraving and Printing
to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to
the shredder they struck up a conversation. The twenty
reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life." the twenty proclaimed.
"I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest
restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and
even a cruise from Miami."

"Wow!" said the single, "you really have gotten
around."

"So tell me", says the twenty, "where have you been
throughout your lifetime?"

"Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist
Church, the Presbyterian Church, the Lutheran Church,
the Catholic Church, the Orthodox Church, Assembly of
God Church, the Brethren Church, the United Church of
Christ, ...."

And the twenty says, "What's a church?"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Andrewf on March 02, 2009, 02:08:33 PM
Here's one for Firefly...  ;D ;D


Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
 
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - !! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.


Your loving daughter,


Sheila
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 02, 2009, 03:30:54 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

I think thats my sister.  ::) ::)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 02, 2009, 10:42:10 PM
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they
hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard
deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of
the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'
Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the
 many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.
 
 The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief,
 he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went
 straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no
tomorrow.
 
 Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid
that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come
back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried
 upside down......'

Bloody women they think of everything!!!!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DGSquared on March 04, 2009, 07:24:28 AM
Colonoscopies are no joke!
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.....

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

 

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on March 04, 2009, 09:07:45 AM
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

You do know, don't you, that this was the line that Obama used when Hilary accepted her new position as his secretary of state?  The media was forbidden, by another Clinton staffer, to print it.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on March 05, 2009, 04:06:25 PM
"You seem to have more than average intelligence for a
man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a
witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath to speak the truth,
I'd return the compliment,"
replied the witness.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 05, 2009, 08:50:36 PM
The Three Stages Of A Man's Life

SINGLE

(http://img22.imageshack.us/img22/667/lionsingle.jpg)

MARRIED

(http://img22.imageshack.us/img22/4543/lionmarried.jpg)

DIVORCED

(http://img22.imageshack.us/img22/6554/liondivorced.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 06, 2009, 04:49:01 AM
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
 
80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
 
'Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
 
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
 
'Miss Joyce', that is very unusual. How old are you?'
 
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DC on March 06, 2009, 03:29:27 PM
A young lad is in the Chemist's (Drug Store) with his Dad, inspecting the packages on the shelves. Seeing a box of condoms, he asks:

'Dad, what are these things?'

'They're Condoms, Son; remember we told you about them a few weeks ago, when we explained where babies come from?'

'Oh, yeah, right.'

'So Dad, what's a "Three Pack"?'

'Well Son, that is what most young men would get; one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'

'Oh, OK'.

The Lad continues to study the shelves for a few seconds, the asks:

'So Dad, what's a "Six Pack"?'

'Well Son, they're for University students, and others who go to a lot of parties; two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.'

'Ah, right...'

'So Dad, what is a "Twelve Pack"?'

'Ah Son, they are a special pack for married men; one for January...'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 06, 2009, 03:37:59 PM
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates so begged their dad for the clue. "Well" he said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes".


 The little girl screams "Don't eat it!! Don't eat it, it's an asshole !!!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on March 07, 2009, 04:21:28 PM
In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal.......

You get fourteen eggs, no sausage,
and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: flashlightxeyes on March 07, 2009, 04:34:51 PM
A Nun flags down a Cabbie and gets into the cab. After a while, the Nun notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.She asks him why he is staring.He replies 'I have a question to ask but I am afraid I may offend you'.

'When you are as old as me and have been a Nun for so long, you hear and see just about everything. Do not worry, you cannot offend me', the Nun says.

'Well, I have always have had a fantasy about a Nun letting me kiss her' the cabbie tells her.

'Let's see what we can do about that then. Number one you have to be single, and number two you have to be Catholic' states the Nun.

Excitedly, the Cabbie says he is single and yes, he is also Catholic! And with that, the Nun tells him to pull into a side-street, where she proceeds to give the Cabbie a kiss that would cause a hooker to blush.

But when they get back on the road, the Cabbie starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the Nun 'why are you crying?'.

'Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied!!! I must confess I am actually Jewish and I am married!!' sobs the Cabbie.

The Nun says 'That's OK, My name is Kevin and I am on my way to a fancy dress party.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: dynodreamer on March 07, 2009, 07:37:00 PM
It's the little things sometimes ...kids know that best,

Why do hummingbirds hum? 'Cuz they just don't know the words.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: flashlightxeyes on March 08, 2009, 12:10:30 AM
<b>51 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts</b>

1.   I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".

2.   No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

3.   Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".

4.   "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

5.   I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.

6.   I will not go to class skyclad.

7.   The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

8.   I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".

9.   I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

10.   Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.

11.   If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

12.   House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

13.   Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

14.   I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

15.   Adding the name "Bueller" to Professor Binns' roster is not funny.

16.   "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

17.   Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

18.   I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".

19.   I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".

20.   The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror."

21.   It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "Once you go Black, you never go back."

22.   I will not call Lucius Malfoy "Jareth".

23.   I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

24.   I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".

25.   I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.

26.   The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.

27.   I am not a tribble Animagus.

28.   I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

29.   I do not weigh the same as a duck.

30.   Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

31.   Sirius Black is not #24601.

32.   I will not lick Trevor.

33.   I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

34.   I am not being repressed.

35.   Calling Lucius Malfoy "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross.

36.   I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".

37.   There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.

38.   I am not a Pinball Wizard.

39.   Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

40.   I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.

41.   I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.

42.   It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

43.   It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

44.   Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say "NI".

45.   I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

46.   I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".

47.   I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

48.   I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

49.   There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

50.   I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

51.        I will not sing "We are off to see the wizard" on my down to Dumbledore's Office.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on March 09, 2009, 10:36:16 AM
Ponderisms

•      I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

•      There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

•      Life is sexually transmitted.

•      Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

•      The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

•      Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

•      Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

•      Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

•      All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

•      In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

•      How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

•      Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
 

•      If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

•      Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
 

•      If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

•      If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

•      Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

•      Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

•      Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?



Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 16, 2009, 05:41:30 AM
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'

 
 

 

 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on March 17, 2009, 12:31:08 PM
With it being St.Patrick's Day, here's an Irish joke which doesn't take the Mickey out of Paddy .. but his wife instead, sort of.

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.

"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.  What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation. "

And wishing a great St.Patrick's Day to all those who know what it's about. It's the craic !
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 18, 2009, 02:36:55 AM
The following was  found posted very  low on a  refrigerator door.


 

Dear Dogs and Cats:  The dishes  with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.  The other  dishes are mine and contain my food.  Placing a paw print in the  middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming  your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the  slightest.


 

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is  not a racetrack.  Racing me to the bottom is not the  object.  Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you  can run.


 

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized  bed.  I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will  continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.   Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It  is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out  to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails  straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to  maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.


 

For the last  time, there is no  secret exit from the bathroom! If,  by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it  is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get  your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door.  I must  exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using  the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not  required.


 

The proper order for kissing is:  Kiss me  first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.  I cannot  stress this enough.


 

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I  have posted the following message on the front door:


 

TO  ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR  PETS:


 

(1)  They live here.  You don't.   (2)  If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the  furniture.  That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.  (3) I  like my pets a lot better than I like most people.  (4)  To  you, they are animals.  To me, they are adopted sons/daughters  who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak  clearly.


 

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids  because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3)  are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to  drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't  smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to  buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for  college and (11) if  they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..
 

 

 

 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on March 18, 2009, 07:32:12 AM
 This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the
  message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland, staff voted
  unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine . This
  is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about
  because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be
  responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school
  and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing
  grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent
  15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to
  pass their classes.
 
  The outgoing message:
 
  Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In
  order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen
  to all the options before making a selection:
 
  To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
 
  To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
 
  To complain about what we do - Press 3
 
  To swear at staff members - Press 4
 
  To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
  newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
 
  If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
 
  If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
 
  To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
 
  To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
 
  To complain about school lunches - Press 0
 
  If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable
  and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that
  it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and
  have a nice day!
 
  If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Narnian Prince on March 18, 2009, 09:36:06 AM
Thank you for that one, Sp!  We clipped it, enlarged it and it now hangs framed in the entrance of the office at our daughters' elementary school.  It has caused quite a stir and some, albeit very ignorant, parents have taken offense but other than that it has been received well.  Thanks again!  Luv ya, babe!  :)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on March 18, 2009, 09:52:39 AM


the first 4 words that an Irishman learns?

Whale
Oil
Beef
Hooked
 ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 20, 2009, 12:49:22 AM
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. 

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her

horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.  My

husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.  He's

got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out

the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he

had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he

started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend

in as best he could.  After a little while a small group of runners who

had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air.  'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side.  'Do you always run carrying your

clothes with you under your arm?'

Oh , yes' our friend answered breathlessly.  'That way I can get dressed

right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do you

always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope.........just when it's raining



Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jeanette on March 20, 2009, 01:01:35 PM
a woman was very upset when her chihuahua only came second at Crufts, so she went up to the judge and asked him why the dog didn't win. He told her the dog would have won, but he came second because he had too much hair on his chin.

Next year, before entering her dog in the show, the woman goes down to the chemist and asks for some hair remover. The assistant hands it over, telling her: "make sure you don't wear a tight blouse until the chemical goes to work on your armpits"

Indignant, the woman says, "I don't want it for my armpits. I want it for my chihuahua"
"In that case," the assistant replies, "Don't ride your bike for a week"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on March 20, 2009, 05:49:47 PM
I don't think this is really a joke but I'm putting it here

A Proposal

When a company falls on difficult times, one of the things that seems to happen is they reduce their staff and workers. The remaining workers need to find ways to continue to do a good job or risk that their job would be eliminated as well. Wall street, and the media normally congratulate the CEO for making this type of "tough decision", and his board of directors gives him a big bonus.

Our government should not be immune from similar risks.

Therefore: Reduce the House of Representatives from the current 435 members to 218 members and Senate members from 100 to 50 (one per State). Also reduce remaining staff by 25%.

Accomplish this over the next 8 years. (two steps / two elections) and of course this would require some redistricting.

Some Yearly Monetary Gains Include:

$44,108,400 for elimination of base pay for congress. (267 members X $165,200 pay / member / yr.)

$97,175,000 for elimination of the above people's staff. (estimate $1.3 Million in staff per each member of the House, and $3 Million in staff per each member of the Senate every year)

$240,294 for the reduction in remaining staff by 25%.

$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork barrel ear-marks each year. (those members whose jobs are gone. Current estimates for total government pork earmarks are at $15 Billion / yr)

The remaining representatives would need to work smarter and would need to improve efficiencies. It might even be in their best interests to work together for the good of our country?

We may also expect that smaller committees might lead to a more efficient resolution of issues as well. It might even be easier to keep track of what your representative is doing.

Congress has more tools available to do their jobs than it had back in 1911 when the current number of representatives was established. (telephone, computers, cell phones to name a few)

Note: Congress did not hesitate to head home when it was a holiday, when the nation needed a real fix to the economic problems. Also, we have 3 senators that have not been doing their jobs for the past 18+ months (on the campaign trail) and still they all have been accepting full pay. These facts alone support a reduction in senators & congress.

Summary of opportunity:

$ 44,108,400 reduction of congress members.

$282,100,000 for elimination of the reduced house member staff.

$150,000,000 for elimination of reduced senate member staff.

$59,675,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining house members.

$37,500,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining senate members.

$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork added to bills by the reduction of congress members.

$8,073,383,400 per year, estimated total savings. (that's 8-BILLION just to start!)

Big business does these types of cuts all the time.

If Congresspersons were required to serve 20, 25 or 30 years (like everyone else) in order to collect retirement benefits there is no telling how much we would save. Now they get full retirement after serving only ONE term.


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: eric on March 20, 2009, 06:23:49 PM
Oh Patti, it's only pork barrel spending if it happens in someone else's state (or Congressional district).  If it happens in your own district, it's needed public works projects.  This is also how every Congressman and Senator gets re-elected, not a minor consideration from their point of view.

I do, however, agree with you about the undesirability of earmarks.  Obama's approach is wrong--he is going to go through and eliminate the undesirable ones.  That's well and good, but I say eliminate them all.  This will, however, not reduce spending.  The spending will still go on--it will just be more public.  The bridges to nowhere etc. may be reduced.  But even so, this is just a drop in the bucket ... the $15 billion you talk about will be less than 1.5% of the deficit next year, never mind how much is actually spent ... and much of the current "pork" may have the oddly beneficial effect of increasing jobs this year ... which we desperately need.

I really can't remember, and I know I should know this but I don't, but I wouldn't be surprised if the number of Congress people and Senators had a Constitutional basis ... it's the result of a very hard fought compromise among the states to allocate political power.  Like so many things in our democracy, it's incredibly unwieldy and inefficient, a price we pay for the ability to speak through our representatives (to the extent we can do that, or is it just the rich people that have that right) ... who was it that said we have the worst governmental system known to man ... except all the others.  Anyway, there is no chance you could fire half of the Congress in eight years.  They talk too much to let you do that.

I have another money-saving idea for your consideration.  Why not just have a simple rule that every member of Congress who votes for a stupid, counter-productive, and costly proposal be required to pay back to the American people half the cost of the mess created by that vote in the next ten years?  This would, of course, bankrupt many of the idiots we have running our government in Washington and require them to go back home to make money to pay their debt.  It might also make the people brave enough to keep serving in Congress think twice, or maybe even three times, before voting for the ludicrous wars, tax cuts on the rich, and other things suggested to them by presidents.

All in good fun, of course.

As far as retirement, I suggest doubling or even tripling the benefits available after one term.  Heck, quadruple it and say that the longer they stay around, the less they will get.  After twenty years they can start paying us for the privilege of having served.

Also a joke, I guess.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on March 26, 2009, 07:55:42 AM
Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on March 26, 2009, 08:03:50 AM
Start with a cage containing  five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After awhile, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result. Pretty soon, when any monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original monkey with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four monkeys that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the monkeys which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way it's always been around here. And that's how company policy begins...
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on March 26, 2009, 08:08:19 AM
Fishing For A Sale

A keen country lad applied  for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of  him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 26, 2009, 08:17:30 AM
Her Diary/His Diary

HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:
My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on March 26, 2009, 12:46:23 PM
Physicians' Opinion of Financial Bail Out Package:


The Allergists voted  to scratch it but the Dermatologists advised not  to make any rash  moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut  feeling about it but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a  lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists  considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled  "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh,  Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness while the Radiologists could see right through  it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The  Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the  matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward  but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say  no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington .
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 26, 2009, 01:53:28 PM
Someone sent me this today. Tried and tested technology.

Enlarge for finer detail.

Gyppo

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: flashgordon on March 26, 2009, 03:34:57 PM
What state do pirates come from?

AAAaaarhkansas.

What kind of beer to pirates drink?


P.B.AAARhhhh
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 27, 2009, 03:17:13 AM
An American decided to write a book

about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took

a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start 

by  working his way across the USA from 

South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church

taking photographs when he noticed a

golden telephone mounted on the wall

with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued,

asked a priest who was strolling by what

the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line 

to heaven and that for $10,000 you could 

talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and

went along his way.

Next stop was in    Atlanta.

There, at a very large   cathedral,

he saw the same golden telephone with

the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind

of telephone he saw in   Orlando   and he

asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line

to heaven and that for $10,000 he

could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled all across America ,

Europe, England , Japan , New Zealand .

In every church he saw the same

golden telephone with the same

'$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, decided to travel   to

Australia to see if   Australians had the same phone.

He arrived in Australia   and again, in the first 

church he entered, there was the same golden

telephone, but this time the sign under it read 

'40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so

he asked the priest about the sign.

'Father, I've travelled all over the

world   and I've seen this same golden

telephone in many churches. I'm told that it

is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them   

price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered,

'You're in Australia  now, son - it's a local call'.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 27, 2009, 06:04:14 AM
In reference to the 'God' phone in the previous joke.

In Hull, UK, the churches also have a matt black phone with red flames painted on the handset.  This is the hotline to Satan.  Being local, all calls are free.

Adapt this to suit your own countries idea of Hell on Earth ;-)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 29, 2009, 10:03:58 AM
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 29, 2009, 11:28:25 PM
Cruise Ship Diary
DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.

DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls
off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time.
He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.
Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I
could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano
bar for rest of day.
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined.
He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me he would
sink the ship.
I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
Saved 1600 lives today -   twice.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 30, 2009, 07:00:03 PM
        An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting
in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent,
the food exceptional.

        "Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the
pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called
McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way
for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he
will buy the 5th drink for you."

        "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the
Red Lion, the bar man there will buy you your 3rd drink
after you buy the first 2."

        "Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back
home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you
set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then
another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had
enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that
you get laid. All on the house!"

        The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour
scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman
swears every word is true.

        "Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually
happen to you?"

        "Not me myself, personally, no," said the
Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."

        ***
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 31, 2009, 07:03:30 PM
A middle-aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the

road, pushed it up to 130 kph, and was enjoying the wind

blowing through his (thinning) hair. This is great,' he thought

and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police

Car behind him, blue and red lights flashing. I can get away from

him with no problem thought the man and he floored it some more,

and flew down the road at over 210 kph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, What the hell am I doing?

I'm too old for this kind of thingand pulled over to the side of

the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
 

The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the

driver's side.

Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th.

If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've

never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, Last week my wife

ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her

back.'

 

The Policeman said, Have a nice day.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 31, 2009, 07:11:17 PM
Some else on the circle has this in their signature file.  Made me smile...

By the time Mozart was my age he'd been dead for twenty years.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Conanthedoylarian on April 01, 2009, 11:57:36 AM
One from my mate:

What do you call a blonde skeleton in a cupboard?

Winner of hide and seek
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on April 02, 2009, 02:35:49 PM
A man is thinking of proposing marriage to his lady love. He asks her how often she likes sex.
She answers, "Infrequently."

He pauses, and then thoughtfully asks, "Was that one word or two?"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 04, 2009, 01:07:15 AM
The Flu

To avoid it...
Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day,

go for a swim,

take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

Wash your hands often.
 
If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.
 
Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol...

Why?

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So...


I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)


The way I see it...


If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!

As my grandmother always said,
'A shot in the glass
is better than one in the arse!'


Live Well -
Laugh Often -
Love Much
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on April 04, 2009, 01:58:58 AM
Reminds me of when I use to have frequent migraine headaches FF.

I, along with (at that time) my three young sons was spending some time with my folks.

I had failed to bring enough of my meds. along and had to go to the local druggist to ask his assistance in getting some more.

Later that evening Mother came up to me with her serious face on.

"Are you sure you need to take those pills"

"Yes Mother. They are the only thing that helps with this type of headache short of getting a shot that knocks me out for hours."

She still seemed both serious and concerned.

"It just seems to me that if you thought about it, you could figure out what causes the headaches and then fix the situation."

"Oh, I know the biggest cause," I said. Her expression changed for the better until ... "It's because I have a husband and three children. If I got rid of all of them, I'm sure there would be a huge improvement."

The storm clouds made a quick return.

"Do you think I should do that?"

"Of course not," she said just before she turned and walked away.

A sweet woman and I loved her dearly. But the woman later told me she had never had a headache until she was in her late sixties.

She wasn't really normal. She got her first cavity when she was almost seventy.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on April 07, 2009, 04:47:27 AM


worst joke ever??

there's a knock at the door. Go see who is at the door son says dad

dad theres a man at the door with a bill.

you sure its not a duck with a hat on son........... ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 08, 2009, 03:30:33 AM
For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken 
literally.....

 

 

'Circumcised' … (this is priceless!)

 

 A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.  He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.'



 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on April 08, 2009, 03:33:51 AM
Where would  you find a rubber trumpet?

In a rubber band.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on April 08, 2009, 02:25:05 PM
I read an ad on Craigslist yesterday; someone was looking for a miniature (tea cup size) Great Dane.

They went on to say they had never seen one, but they wanted one badly.

This had to be a joke.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: CarrieSheppard on April 09, 2009, 08:39:55 AM
HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES

  I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit
  me.
 
 
  Police were called to a day care where a 3-year-old was
  resisting a rest.
 
 
  Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut
  off? He's all right
  now.
 
 
  The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was
  Sir Cumference.
 
 
  To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
 
 
  When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
 
 
  The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a
  small medium at large
 
 
 
  A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
 
 
  A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a
  hardened criminal
 
 
  When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
 
  The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
 
  A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
 
  A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
 
  A will is a dead giveaway.
 
  Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
 
  A backward poet writes inverse.
 
  In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in
  feudalism, it's your Count
  that votes.
 
  A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
 
  If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
 
 
  Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show
  you A-flat miner.
 
  The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully
  recovered.
 
  A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in
  Linoleum
  Blownapart
 
  You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
 
  A calendar's days are numbered.
 
  A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint
  mine.
 
  A boiled egg is hard to beat.
 
  He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
 
  Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in
  the end.
 
  When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a
  mall.
 
  When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought
  she'd dye.
 
  Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
 
  Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
 
  Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on April 09, 2009, 11:07:12 AM
In line with the thread title... 

Here's some colourful crap I found on the net.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on April 09, 2009, 12:52:44 PM
Someone sent me this just recently...

The Americans With No Abilities Act

Washington, DC - President Barack Obama and the Democrat controlled Congress are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers,simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement warehouse stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under AWNAA, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me," Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL), "As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on April 09, 2009, 01:05:30 PM
TURPENTINE VS HOLY WATER
                                 

   A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.   A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.         

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful  liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
                               
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.  If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." 

 The little boy replied,  "You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson." 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Xerika on April 09, 2009, 08:08:27 PM
Here's a few pretty crap jokes BUT for those of you who remember the legendary Tommy Cooper, they sound much funnier if you can imagine him telling them...


This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Blockedogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
---------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
--------------------------- -
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
---- ----------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 10, 2009, 01:34:46 AM
An Oirish Story.

     
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
   
'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya at teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible' he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10     pound note appears.
 
'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,  how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'             

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman


'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 11, 2009, 08:59:13 AM
(http://img408.imageshack.us/img408/9639/chewing.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Supermu on April 12, 2009, 02:27:52 PM
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred.
As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.


My 8 year old cousin found this on the internet and sent it to me via msn, saying she didn't get it and could i explain it to her... I told her i couldn't...

la
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: emma112 on April 14, 2009, 12:16:33 PM
One day little Tommy was walking with an older neighborhood kid named Billy Bob, and he got curious.

“Billy Bob,” Tommy asked, “How come everyone calls you by your first name and your middle name instead of just Billy?”

“Well,” Billy Bob answered, “When I was little like you, I used to get in trouble a lot, and when I did my mom always called me by both names. I guess after a while, it just stuck.”

“Oh no!” Tommy cried. “I’d better straighten up then!”

“Why’s that?” Billy Bob asked.

“I don’t want to end up being called ‘you little sh#!’ for the rest of my life!”
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 16, 2009, 08:14:19 AM
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a
patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,

'Norma Findlay in Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,

'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing  very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood tests came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has said she can go home tomorrow.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!  God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I am Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me f*** all here.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on April 17, 2009, 04:27:33 PM
Californians are a strange people.
They'll put every chemical known to man up their nostrils, and get so warped from snorting, that they tell you it's bad for you if  you put sugar in your coffee!

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on April 17, 2009, 06:02:48 PM
Californians are a strange people.
They'll put every chemical known to man up their nostrils, and get so warped from snorting, that they tell you it's bad for you if  you put sugar in your coffee!

Some do; many don't.

Same as any other group of people you can name. There's good and bad all around the world.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 17, 2009, 11:34:21 PM
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
 
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
 
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly, "Wow,
She's fat!
 
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet...
 
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
As they would go and announced;  "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
 
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
 
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
 
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.
 
Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
 
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your  life, she's reversing!!"
 
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 18, 2009, 06:33:13 AM
(http://img21.imageshack.us/img21/8797/oldthinker.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on April 18, 2009, 07:25:57 AM
People who don't give a shit are sometimes just constipated.

Look at her face in the previous post ;-)

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 18, 2009, 07:37:44 AM
 ;D ;D

How true Gyp.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 23, 2009, 12:14:14 AM
The Honeymoon
 


 
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon.   
They opened the champagne and began undressing.   
 
When the bridegroom removed his socks,  his  new wife    asked,
'What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

'I had tolio as a child,' he answered.   

'You mean polio?' she asked.   

'No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.'   

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked   
'What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!'   

'As a child, I also had kneasles,' he explained..   

'You mean measles?' she asked.   

'No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.'   

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.   

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.   

'Don't tell me,' she said.   

'Let me guess...   

^

^
 
^

^

^
 
^

 Smallcox?'

 
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on April 25, 2009, 10:06:29 AM
Apparently the American Medical Association has just weighed in on the new economic stimulus package . . .
 
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington .
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Xerika on April 25, 2009, 06:31:26 PM
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her bloody appendix out!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on April 25, 2009, 07:59:54 PM
Nice one, Mr X ;-)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Xerika on April 25, 2009, 08:45:45 PM
Oddly enough, Mr G, I've been thinking lately that there should be a separate 'Quite Good Jokes' thread as I've read quite a few crackers on here and they certainly aren't 'crap'.  ;D

P.S. I think some of them were even contributed by some sparkly-butt from Down Under.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 26, 2009, 12:18:40 AM
 ;D ;D

Why thankyou Mr X, I do love this thread, seems a waste to get a funny and keep it to yourself.  ;)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on April 26, 2009, 07:41:00 AM
I believe at one tine there was a good joke thread as well, but just what happened to it I've no idea.  I'm running a search for it at the moment, but I can't recall exactly what it ws called.  I'll ley you all know if I find it.

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on April 26, 2009, 11:02:26 AM
Ben Kenobi and Luke Flyswatter are having a Chinese
supper. Ben picks up the chopsticks and starts eating.

Luke is having problems, there is food over his face,
his clothes, and the table, but not much in his mouth.

"What should I do?" he asks Ben.

"Use the forks, Luke!"

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 26, 2009, 08:37:58 PM
(http://img10.imageshack.us/img10/9282/horsey.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Xerika on April 26, 2009, 08:49:23 PM
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.

She told me I had to stop w*nking.

When I asked why, she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 27, 2009, 08:34:21 PM
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks

into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda

patting his dog.

He figures he'll have  a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day,  mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The  dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist:  'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog:  'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of  extreme shock)

Ventriloquist:  'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)   

Dog:  'Yep'

Ventriloquist:  'How does he treat you?'

Dog:  'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to  the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of  utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist:  'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the  horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist:  'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse:  'Cool'

Kiwi:  (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist:  'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse:  'Yep'

Ventriloquist:  How does he treat you?

Horse:  'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,  Brushes me down  often and keeps me in the shed  to protect me from the  Elements.'

Kiwi: (total  look of amazement)

Ventriloquist:  'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a  panic) 'The sheep's a bloody  liar'

 

 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on April 28, 2009, 04:12:33 AM
A woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the 18th century sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham Young, the leader of the Mormon church.

Woman: "Are you Brigham Young?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the Mormon church?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that led the Mormons to Utah?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian religions as false except Mormonism?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Now she's really getting mad.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Then furiously, she says -

Woman: "You ought to be hung!"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Don Paul on April 30, 2009, 07:08:31 AM
Why does an elephant have three white sneakers and one yellow one?

He didn't lift his leg i time.  ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on April 30, 2009, 09:38:01 AM
Government organization is like a tree full of monkeys,
all on different limbs at different levels, some
climbing up, some fooling around, some simply
just idling.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree
full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see
nothing but "a*******."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on April 30, 2009, 09:59:12 AM
Latin spelling error

"Crape Diem"

Seize the sh*t.

(Some days it's quite appropriate.)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on May 01, 2009, 01:50:12 PM
They said America would have a black President when pigs grew wings

And sure enough, 100 days into Obama's Presidency - swine flu.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 02, 2009, 06:55:40 AM
Testicle Therapy
 
 
 
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in 
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole. 

The ball hit one of the men.   

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, 
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in 
agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize.   'Please allow me to help. I'm a 
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd 
allow me, she told him. 

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the 
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin. 

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. 
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, 
loosened his pants and put her hands inside. 

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? 

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
[/b]
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DC on May 02, 2009, 07:51:38 AM
Poacher. (now why does this bring a certain MWC member to mind...? ;D

Hamish the poacher was stopped by the police, somewhere in the Scottish
Highlands recently, with two buckets of fish, leaving a river well known
for its fishing.

The Policeman asked him, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

Hamish replied, "These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish!?" the officer asked.

"Yes sir. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let them
swim around for a while. When I whistle, they jump back into the
buckets, and I take them home."

"That's a lot of crap! Fish can't do that!"

Hamish looked at the officer for a moment, and then said "Here I'll show
you, it really works."

"O.K. I've got to see this!" The officer was curious now. Hamish poured
the fish into the stream and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the Policeman turned to him and said "Well?"

"Well, What?" Hamish responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The officer prompted.

"Call who back?" Hamish asked.

"The fish." replied the officer.

"What fish?" asked Hamish ......
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on May 02, 2009, 01:12:30 PM
Nice one, Dave.

[move][move];-)
[/move][/move]
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: ellie on May 02, 2009, 06:00:59 PM
A couple were touring Wales and they ended up in the famous village 'Llanfairpwlllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysilogogogoch'.....
they were hungry and decided to go in for a take away.....
whilst waiting, they asked the lady who served them
"Can you tell us where we are very very slowly please?"......
She replied "Yes..its Burr urr ger King...."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Xerika on May 02, 2009, 06:23:39 PM
 :D

Ellie, I still have a platform ticket from the railway station at the aforementioned village of Llanfairpwlllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysilogogogoch that I bought when I was there about 40 years ago.

P.S. Typing 'Llanfairpwlllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysilogogogoch' has just caused my spell checker to emit a serious cloud of noxious smelling smoke along with a suggested correction: Did you mean 'Laundrypillowgigglyfloblocks?'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 03, 2009, 11:20:45 PM
WHY GOD MADE MUMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from mens' bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mum marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between Mums & Dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2.. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mum perfect?
1 On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2.. You know, her hair. I'd die it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on May 04, 2009, 09:30:23 AM
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via email with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little 'Pop-Up' appeared that said:

cid:35C614EF-B977-4B92-B247-B8EC1C26DB4E
'You have Male!'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 04, 2009, 09:28:34 PM
Not really a joke but these things are always so clever.  ;D ;D

(http://img25.imageshack.us/img25/6428/einsteindog.jpg)

Can you spot the dog?
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 09, 2009, 08:47:11 PM
The first "Testicular Guard" was used in cricket in 1874.
 
The first helmet was used in 1974.
 
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
 
 
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on May 10, 2009, 03:31:57 PM
FF's cricket joke reminds me...

On the subject of Yorkshire thrift, my Grandad - a dour Yorkshireman with a quietly wicked sense of humour said he was once at a cricket club 'do' where they had a Lancashire Comedian.  The comic came out with this old joke.

Question:  "What's the difference between a Yorkshireman and a Coconut?"

Answer:  "You can get a drink from a coconut."

After the show Grandad found himself stood at the bar by the comedian and tapped him on the shoulder.

Grandad:  "Would you like a drink?"

Comedian:  "I would that."

Grandad:  "Then tha'd best find thisen a coconut."

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 12, 2009, 05:26:53 AM
I THINK YOU ARE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS!!


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says
hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and
says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the
pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on May 17, 2009, 11:15:07 PM
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
 
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
 
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"
 
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.  This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
 
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that.  That's terrible.  I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?" 
 
 
The man shakes his head... "No.  They're all at the funeral."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on May 17, 2009, 11:16:46 PM
A man walks into his bedroom and finds his best friend having sex with his wife and says, "Down, Rover, Down."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 19, 2009, 06:35:53 AM
John was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if
he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.



After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede,
(100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use
for his house. He took the box home, found a good location
for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his
new pet to the bar for a drink.



So he asked the centipede in the
box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me
and have a beer?' Silence; there was no answer from
his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes,
and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar
and having a beer with me?' Again, there was no answer,
nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet. So,
he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the
situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time, putting his face up
> against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there!
Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?

> (YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> A little voice came out of the box:
>
> I heard you the first time! I'm putting my bloody shoes
> on!


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on May 19, 2009, 07:12:16 AM
she was so blonde that at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"..
she put "Sagittarius".
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on May 19, 2009, 07:30:10 AM
 Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on May 19, 2009, 08:43:54 AM
Someone installed the batteries back to front in the 'Energiser Bunny' and several hours later he died from 'extreme sexual exhaustion'.

He just 'kept on coming and coming and coming...'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on May 19, 2009, 09:00:32 AM
REQUIRED COURSES FOR NEW INTERNET USERS

An Introduction to Things Everyone Else Has Already Seen
Sub-Title: Don't Forward This!

Two Paragraphs or Less: Writing An Email People Will Actually Read

The Economic Improbabilities of Nigerian Princes

Origins and Proper Use of the Caps Lock Key

Should I Forward This Email? Three Questions to Ask Yourself

Lose vs. Loose: The Eternal Struggle

Links You Should Never Click: The Advanced Class

You Are Not the 1,000,000,000 Visitor - Why You Didn't Win

The Psychology of Web Page Design, or "Don't Click That Ad!"

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 20, 2009, 07:13:39 PM

_The Soldier and the Nun_


 A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked,
'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and
asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from
under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister.
You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great
pair of legs!'

The nun replied,'If you had looked a little higher, you would have
seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either.'
 

 


 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 20, 2009, 07:17:30 PM
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week
so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only
one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he
started shouting in the middle of the show,

"Look, It's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under
the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The
magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found
himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate
would have it... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred,
but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days..
and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back
any longer and said...



"OK, I give up. Where's the bloody ship?"

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on May 22, 2009, 10:26:57 AM
ECONOMICS AND HOW IT AFFECTS OTHERS

Chapter 21 - Economic Models Explained

SOCIALISM
> You have 2 cows.
> You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
> You have 2 cows.
> The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
> You have 2 cows.
> The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
> You have 2 cows.
> The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
> You have 2 cows.
> The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
> You have two cows.
> You sell one and buy a bull.
> Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
> You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
> You have two giraffes.
> The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
> Later, you hire a consultant to Blockedyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
> You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
> The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
> The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
> You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
> No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
> You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You count them and learn you have five cows.
> You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> You count them again and learn you have two cows.
> You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
> You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
> You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You have 300 people milking them.
> You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
> You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
> Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
> You tell them that you have none.
> No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> Business seems pretty good.
> You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> The one on the left looks very attractive.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on May 22, 2009, 04:00:13 PM
A fellow is talking to his Irish buddy and says,
"I gotta stop drinking that Irish whiskey."

"How come?" asked his friend.

"Because every Saturday night I go out and drink a fifth of
the stuff, come home, make mad passionate love to the
wife, wake up Sunday morning, and go to church with her."

"What's wrong with that?" the Irishman asks. "A lot of good
Irishman go out on Saturday night, drink a fifth of good Irish
whiskey, come home, make love to their wife, and go to
mass with her on Sunday ."

"I know," said his friend, "but I'm Jewish."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 25, 2009, 07:46:25 AM
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day,
picked out a box of tampons & proceeded to the checkout counter.
 
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me.. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these,
you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do none of those'.

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 25, 2009, 07:49:17 AM
'To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will
not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on
the dining room table:

'To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about me being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
college. I would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn,
I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he
is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one
small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Andrewf on May 27, 2009, 04:16:09 AM
The Bathtub Test.


During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"  :)


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Cheerie on May 27, 2009, 05:57:13 AM
A truck full of tortoises collides with a lorry carrying terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

:0)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Cheerie on May 27, 2009, 06:11:05 AM
Sitting on the train with my niece, looking out at the scenery, I point out some horses in a field - just as the one rears up and starts to vigorously mount the other!
"What's he doing?" she asks.
"Oh, well," says I, " I think the one horse has hurt his front legs, so the other one is giving him a lift to the doctors."
"Typical," she replies, "you try to help someone and you get f*cked..!"

------------

Q. What's E.T. short for?
A. Coz he's got little legs!

------------

Q. What's green and eats nuts?
A. Syphilis!

------------

Q. What do you do if you see a spaceman?
A. Park in it man!

------------

On a chilly day, the Lone Ranger ties his horse up in front of the saloon and heads inside for a whisky. Tonto stays outside, jogging on the spot to keep warm.
Into the bar breezes Texas Pete. "You the Lone Ranger?" he asks.
"Sure am," comes the reply.
"That yer horse outside?"
"Sure is," replies the Ranger.
"Well, you left yer Injun running."

-------------

Okay, that's me out!
:0)

Tony
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on May 29, 2009, 09:47:25 PM
Law...

In the USA, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.

In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.

In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.

In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.

In Switzerland, everything that is not prohibited by law is obligatory.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 01, 2009, 04:06:58 AM
Judy  got married, and had 13 children.
Her first  husband Ted, died of cancer.
She  married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children..
Bob  was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy again,  remarried,....... and this time, she & John  had 5 more children
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing  before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He  thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel  leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third  husband?"
Margaret  replied:....
"I think he means her legs, Ethel...."


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on June 07, 2009, 08:41:03 AM
Make love, not war.
Or, if you want to do both,
you have to get married!

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on June 07, 2009, 11:15:08 AM
GOD TEXTS THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

1. no1 b4 me. srsly.

2. dnt wrshp pix/idols

3. no omg's

4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)

5. pos ok - ur m&d r cool

6. dnt kill ppl

7. :- X only w/ m8

8. dnt steal

9. dnt lie re: bf

10. dnt ogle ur bf's m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.

M, pls rite on tabs & giv 2 ppl.

ttyl, JHWH.

ps. wwjd?
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 07, 2009, 05:55:19 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

Glad I know the real ones Patti, I would be sinning all day long with those.  ::) ::)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 09, 2009, 03:31:47 AM
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
     
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
 



 

 

 



Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on June 09, 2009, 03:56:11 AM
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on June 09, 2009, 05:11:43 AM
Found in my Inbox this morning...

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
 
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000.'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible
sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here...'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now!'    
  
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on June 09, 2009, 05:15:52 AM
Bill Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, who checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged.

The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye to the Pope as he went off to heaven.

On his way up, the Pope met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

Clinton: No problem!

Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.

Clinton: Why is that? It's not that great.

Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

Clinton: Sorry, your Holiness - but you're about a day late.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 10, 2009, 07:04:38 AM
(http://img507.imageshack.us/img507/853/swine.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on June 10, 2009, 03:24:50 PM
 ;D    ;D    ;D    ;D    ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on June 11, 2009, 09:20:13 AM
MORE LIGHT BULB JOKES

How many art directors does it take to change a light bulb?
"Does it have to be a light bulb?"

How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes ten years.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to hold the giraffe and one to put the clocks in the bathtub.

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but she has to do it while you're eating dinner.

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes three visits.

How many communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None ... the bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution!

How many real estate agents does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten, but we'll accept eight.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 12, 2009, 05:13:31 AM
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly

 despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she

 would just kill herself and join him in death.

 

 Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took

 out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the

 heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

 

 

 Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a

 burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to

 just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said,

 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

 

 Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a

 gunshot wound to her knee.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 14, 2009, 03:52:18 AM
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a  Xmas fancy dress party.  He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.   

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:   

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.   

The man is offended that the outfit  emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.  A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:   

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.   

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.  A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:   

Dear Sir, 

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on June 14, 2009, 07:57:22 AM
How many auto repair mechanics does it take to change a light bulb ?

One, yet he may find that he has to change the switch too ( it is a bit  old) and the fuse box and the fuses ( they're past their use-by date), re-run the wiring, the bulb holder  .........
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on June 18, 2009, 11:45:32 AM
IF RELIGION WERE MORE LIKE BASEBALL  <<<< direct copy and paste, really more like
IF CHRISTIANS WERE MORE LIKE BASEBALL      but I didn't edit it - sorta

Lutherans would believe they can't win, but will trust the Scorekeeper.

The Calvinists already know the final score.

Quakers won't swing at anything.

The Presbyterians use a "closer-by-committee" approach.

The Amish would walk a lot.

Fundamentalists won't play because baseball's not mentioned in the Bible.

Evangelicals would make effective pitches.

The Baptists will play, but only if they can be the umpire.

Mormons would play left field.

Adventists would take the seventh inning off.

The Catholics would claim never to have committed an error.

You'd find the Methodists at the post-game buffet.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on June 18, 2009, 02:39:35 PM
One day a doctor had to be the bearer of bad news when he told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, he heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on June 19, 2009, 04:07:56 AM
An old lady who lived on the fifth floor of an older apartment building, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb the stairs.


Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.

"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.


"Yes," he replied.

"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of going up and down that drainpipe!"

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 21, 2009, 06:47:28 AM
A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 21, 2009, 06:55:26 AM
This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter , a Mouse and a Cat.


There is a moral to this story.....
 
 



In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,



'Gosh...if I go down three inches


I will feel the mist From the water and I will be refreshed..'

There was a fish in the water thinking,


'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'


There was a bear on the shore thinking,



'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches


That fish will jump for the fly...And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it..
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....
A?wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear..

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story ....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 22, 2009, 10:21:52 PM
Scotch with two drops of water.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
 

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday,  I'll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you.  Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you.  Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am,  I'm dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies,
'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on June 25, 2009, 09:03:26 AM
Q. What's the Australian kiss?
A. The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Hugh on June 25, 2009, 03:24:09 PM
Two of the great things to come from down-under:

1)   Shiraz

2)   The Aussie sense of humour (thanks to fire-fly)

Keep both coming, please.

Hugh
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Aldarinn on June 25, 2009, 03:41:28 PM
One of the most puerile,crappiest 'jokes' of all time....

Hey you know what?

What?

Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaatssss whaaaaaaaattt!!!!!!
Hahahahahahahahahahah ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Hugh on June 25, 2009, 03:48:17 PM
One of the most puerile,crappiest 'jokes' of all time....

Hey you know what?

What?

Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaatssss whaaaaaaaattt!!!!!!
Hahahahahahahahahahah ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Puerile?
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Aldarinn on June 25, 2009, 04:02:52 PM
Uh...I mean utterly insensible...
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on June 25, 2009, 06:54:13 PM
just arived in my inbox...

*****

At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.

His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a
railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from
Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the
possibilities.

"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a
specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight
locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister," said Sir
Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing
to 4472.

"That's already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying
Scotsman'."

"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national
museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered," said the consultant. "After all the
LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the
company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then .. let's
look at renaming 4472.  But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much,
given the expenses scandal!"

Well, said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the 'F' "

*****
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Xerika on July 03, 2009, 07:20:55 PM
This was told to me by an Irish friend recently about people from a place called Cavan in Ireland who have a reputation for being tight with their money:

Did you hear about the Cavan man who took his kids to see Santa Claus's grave?
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on July 03, 2009, 07:54:06 PM
Two highway patrolmen stop a driver for
speeding on the state highway in Waxahachie,
Texas. As they are writing up the ticket, one
trooper turns to the other and asks, "How do you
spell Waxahachie?"
The other one replies, "I don't know."
"What are we going to do?" the first one asks. "If
we spell it wrong, the judge will dismiss the
charge."
"Well," says his partner, "why don't we just let
him go and stop him again when he gets to
Waco?"

=====

Hawaiian good luck sign.

Got a letter from Grandma the other day--this
is what it said:
The other day I went into a local Christian
bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus"
bumper sticker. Well, I was feeling particularly
sassy that day because I had just come from
a thrilling choir practice and a thunderous
prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put
it on my car. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an
uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy
intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord
and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.
It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus
because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed. Then I found that LOTS
of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind
me started honking like crazy, leaned out his
window and hollered, "For the love of God! Go!
Go! Jesus Christ! Go!" What an exuberant
cheerleader for the Lord he was!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my
window and started waving and smiling at all
those loving people. I even honked my horn a
few times to share in the love.
There must have been a man from Florida
back there because I heard him say
something about a "sunny beach."
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with
only his middle finger stuck up in the air, so I
asked my teenage grandson in the back seat
what that meant. He said it was probably a
Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I
leaned out the window and gave him the good
luck sign back. My grandson burst out
laughing--even he was enjoying this religious
experience!
A couple people were so caught up in the
moment that they got out of their cars and
started walking toward me. I bet they wanted
to pray or ask me what church I attended, but I
noticed that the light had changed. So I waved
to all my sisters and brothers grinning and
drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got
through before the light changed again and felt
kind of sad to leave all those people behind
after the love we'd shared, so I slowed down,
leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time
as I drove away.

=====

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on July 11, 2009, 11:09:30 AM

Real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........


I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.  A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I.V. drips in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned?  I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on July 11, 2009, 02:27:40 PM
i was sat in a bar one night and a pretty lass the other side of the room caught my eye.  We did the 'eyeball shuffle' a few times quietly checking each other out, and then she beckoned me over, using one finger in the classic 'come here gesture'. 

Imtigued, and not averse to a little female company, I ambled over.  I sat down across the table from her, smiled, and she gave a beaming great grin before leaning across and speaking quietly into my ear.

"If I can make you come just like that with only one finger...  Imagine what I could do to you with my whole body."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 12, 2009, 06:05:19 AM
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look
terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

Bartender: "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that
before."

Pirate: "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon
ball, but I'm fine now."

Bartender: "Well, OK, but what about the hook? What happened to
your hand?"

Pirate: "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got
into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm
fine, really."

Bartender: "What about the eye patch?"

Pirate: "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew
over. I looked up and one of them sh1t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you lost an eye just
from bird shit!"

Pirate: "It was my first day with the hook!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on July 12, 2009, 07:18:10 AM

Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle. A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."

"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.

"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 12, 2009, 05:51:19 PM
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 13, 2009, 03:29:45 AM
GRANDMA  AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV..... 
THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE  HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED... 

GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE  OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP..
GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND  PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH... 

GRANDMA  LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST:  "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU  OLD COOT.....THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT  RAISE THE DEAD.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 17, 2009, 10:07:37 AM
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second- degree burns.
He was already starting to blister and in agony.
The doctor prescribed continuous intravenious feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a v i a g a r a pill every four hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will v i a g a r a  do him?'
The doctor replied, 'It'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on July 17, 2009, 02:12:57 PM
A respected member posted a message on MWC and the result left her wondering if the filters would work in reverse.  If she deliberately typed the words SPAM MESSAGE would the correct reference to the little blue 'Lazarus pill'  come up (Oh, gods, is there no end to the double entendre) onscreen?

Fortunately a bold and largely shameless fellow with time on his hands galloped up on his literary stallion - a fiery and somewhat opportunistic beast if ever there was) and saved her the hassle of having to find out. [Now let's see what happens...]

Gyppo, and his horse. (Boldly going where only the split infinitives - allegedly - normally dare to tread.)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 17, 2009, 06:40:40 PM
Thank goodness for Gyppo's and his steed. The older the respected member gets, the worse the memory.  :-*
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Xerika on July 17, 2009, 07:02:25 PM
Thank goodness for Gyppo's and his steed.

Yes, indeed, I must confess I had to puzzle for a few nano-seconds over Fire "It's the way you tell 'em" Fly's latest contribution.

I'd also add that Gyppo's steed deserves some extra oats tonight for that timely intervention.  ;)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 17, 2009, 07:33:07 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

I agree mate, he is a saint.  ;)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Xerika on July 17, 2009, 07:35:49 PM
There was once a native American tribe where the chief had the reponsibility of naming all of the newborn children.

One day, a teenaged member of the tribe entered the chief's teepee and said, "There are so many children born in this village. How do you decide how to name them?"

The chief smiled and said, "Well, my boy, it's really quite simple. When a newborn infant is brought to me, I immediately look around my environment. If at that moment an eagle is flying overhead, I will name that child Flying Eagle. Or if I see a herd of buffalo running by, that child will be named Running Buffalo. But tell me why it is you ask me this question, Two Dogs F**king?"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Tina on July 17, 2009, 08:41:04 PM
There was once a native American tribe where the chief had the reponsibility of naming all of the newborn children.

One day, a teenaged member of the tribe entered the chief's teepee and said, "There are so many children born in this village. How do you decide how to name them?"

The chief smiled and said, "Well, my boy, it's really quite simple. When a newborn infant is brought to me, I immediately look around my environment. If at that moment an eagle is flying overhead, I will name that child Flying Eagle. Or if I see a herd of buffalo running by, that child will be named Running Buffalo. But tell me why it is you ask me this question, Two Dogs F**king?"



OMG!  HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  That is FUNNY!    ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Aldarinn on July 19, 2009, 08:06:48 AM
Anyone believe in witchcraft. Check out a REALLY REALLY REALLY effective spell......... 

WARNING: REALLY EFFECTIVE
WARNING: REALLY EFFECTIVE
WARNING: REALLY EFFECTIVE
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WARNING: REALLY EFFECTIVE
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WARNING: REALLY EFFECTIVE
WARNING: REALLY EFFECTIVE
WARNING: REALLY EFFECTIVE
WARNING: REALLY EFFECTIVE
WARNING: REALLY EFFECTIVE
WARNING: REALLY EFFECTIVE

Hope you understand....here's the link....

http://www.spellsofmagic.com/books/781/28/4/page.html
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 19, 2009, 06:31:54 PM
A Spanish Delicacy

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said...

"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si senor.Sometimes the bull wins."  :o :o

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Aldarinn on July 20, 2009, 09:39:32 AM
A Spanish Delicacy

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said...

"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si senor.Sometimes the bull wins."  :o :o


Bwahahahahhahahahahahahahahahah  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 21, 2009, 04:55:27 PM
(http://img200.imageshack.us/img200/6453/cathairless.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 24, 2009, 03:25:39 AM
GOOD
A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in the Manawatu with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.'
He replied, 'New Zealand Policemen don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. 

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on July 24, 2009, 10:46:40 AM
Why did Piglet have his head in the toilet?

Because he was looking for Pooh.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 27, 2009, 09:18:10 AM
A sweet grandmother telephoned Geelong Hospital. She timidly asked,
'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'
The grandmother, in her weak tremulous voice said, ''Norma Findlay, Room 302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I
have good news. Her nurse told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine;
her blood work is normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday..'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonder ful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on July 27, 2009, 11:48:30 AM

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Missie, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks,looks at him over the top of her glasses,and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

*****

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 28, 2009, 02:32:41 AM
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . .. . Try and answer within 30 seconds.. Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the Blockedysis.


If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.


Chimpanzee = you're dense.


Giraffe = you're a complete moron.


Squirrel = you're hopeless.


A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 28, 2009, 05:25:28 AM
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.
Once he was  given the money, he turned to a customer and asked,
'Did you see me rob  this bank?'                                           
             
                                                                             
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I  did.'                                         
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him  instantly.           
                                                                             
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,
'Did  you see me rob this  bank?'                                             
   
                                                                             
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'   
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on July 28, 2009, 06:26:54 AM
GOLF PANTIES


The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends
over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her
lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any
skivvies?', Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and
says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and
buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irish man's wife bends over to set her ball
on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she,
too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the
sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some
underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes
her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta
be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well,
fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....
Tidy yerself up a bit.[/b]
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on July 31, 2009, 01:01:41 PM
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.
 He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, all curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "Heck,what the hell happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know, every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world I did today? Well, today I didn't do it."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 03, 2009, 05:43:51 PM
Irish Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'

'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Brown?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Margaret Doyle?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Anne O' Neil?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 Months holiday and five good leads'.
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 06, 2009, 01:50:57 AM
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
 
 The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
 
 "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
 
 "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
 
 "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
 
 "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
 
 "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
 
 The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
 
 So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
 
 The same thing happens for two weeks.
 
 Then one day the circus comes to town.
 
 The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
 
 "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
 
 So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
 
 "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
 
 "At the circus," says the barman.
 
 "The circus?" repeats the duck.
 
 "That's right," replies the barman.
 
 "The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
 
 "Yeah," the barman replies.
 
 "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
 
 "Of course," the barman replies.
 
 "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
 
 "That's right!" says the barman.
 
 The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

 

 "What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"



Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 07, 2009, 04:45:56 AM
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
 
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
 
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly, "Wow,
She's fat!
 
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet...
 
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
As they would go and announced;  "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
 
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
 
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
 
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.
 
Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
 
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your life, she's reversing!!"
 
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: sanibel on August 08, 2009, 05:52:06 AM


For her birthday, someone gave snow white a camera as a present. Happy with her gift, she took pictures of all the seven dwarfs and their little cottage in the forest.

When she had used up all the film, she went to the store to get it developed. She went back in an hour but the assistant said they weren't ready yet, so she left it a week before going back. Still the pictures were not ready. This caused snow white to get upset and cry, so the assistant put his arm round her and said

'don't worry some day your prints will come!'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 09, 2009, 06:12:10 AM
A retired couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Tamworth .

Bert always wanted a pair of R.M. WILLIAMS boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'No Darl.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for new R.M. Williams boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow, 'cause its always that way'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? DO YOU?'

'No Darl', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT ME NEW R.M. WILLIAMS BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.  Shoulda bought a hat.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 12, 2009, 07:15:21 AM




As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 12, 2009, 07:39:16 AM
A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women�s deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're f***ing ugly!

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on August 13, 2009, 04:09:28 PM
Just been prowling through my archives.  Can't recall where and when I found this otherwise I'd gladly give credit where it's due.  I do know I didn't write it.

=================================================================

Anti-Terrorism Valentine's Day Tips

The Office of Homeland Security explains it all for you.

"Officials said their Monday briefing was just the first stage in a highly
orchestrated, long-term public education campaign that will provide
information about the wide variety of possible terror attacks and how to
respond to each."

-Washington Post, Feb.  13, 2003

Office of Homeland Security: Recommended Valentine's Day Precautions

Cards: A valentine is an ideal conduit for coded messages.  A capital "C,"
for instance, denotes the crescent moon, a well-known symbol of Islam.  If
your Christian name begins with the letter "C"
(examples: Caroline, Charles, Colin, Condi), do not accept valentines from
anybody.

If your name begins with one of the other 25 letters of the alphabet, you
may accept valentines, provided you:

Do not accept a valentine from any registered foreign national.

Open the envelope outdoors, no closer than 20 feet from any other
individual.

Flowers: A bouquet is an ideal conduit for toxins, some of which may occur
naturally.
It is strongly recommended that you accept no flowers at all, and that you
report immediately the name of anyone offering you flowers to the Federal
Bureau of Investigation.  Recognizing, however, that some will ignore this
warning, we urge these individuals to spray their flowers with a
quick-drying sealant, wrap them tightly in Saran Wrap, and place on a very
high shelf.

Chocolates: Chocolates with filling (examples: coconut, nougat, truffle) are
an ideal conduit for fissile material.  Do not accept or give any.  Solid
chocolates are a safer alternative.  Wash thoroughly before eating.

Kissing: Mouth saliva is an ideal conduit for smallpox, Ebola, and other
highly contagious and deadly viruses.  It is strongly recommended that prior
to kissing anyone on the mouth or cheek, you seal your mouth with duct tape.

Sexual intercourse: Even in conditions of yellow alert, the Office of
Homeland Security does not deem safe any sexual congress between unmarried
individuals.  During this orange alert emergency, the president has issued
an executive order forbidding all Americans from proceeding beyond "second
base."

The Office of Homeland Security wishes all Americans a "terror-free"
Valentine's Day!

=================================================================
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 14, 2009, 07:16:33 AM
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER; she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB; she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND; she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY; she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS; she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 14, 2009, 07:17:57 AM
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER; he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE BlockedOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 14, 2009, 07:41:57 AM
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 14, 2009, 11:17:10 PM
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.

They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze.

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DC on August 15, 2009, 12:13:38 PM
During  a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer  a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her  to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the  spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person  would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 20, 2009, 08:00:45 AM
If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to run him
over?

It might be your bike.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 20, 2009, 08:10:33 AM
A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" - The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on August 21, 2009, 08:16:06 AM

There's a woman who likes the Beatles so much that she gets John Lennon's face tattooed on her inner right thigh and Paul McCartney on her left. But when the tatto artist is done, she's dissatisfied with the results.

"This dosen't look anything like them," she says.
"Yes, it does," the tatooist answers.

They go back and forth for awhile and finally the tatooist suggests the find an impartial observer. They walk out on the street and find a wino. The girl lifts her skirts and the tattooist points.

"Does that look like John Lennon?"
"I dunno."
"Well, does that look like Paul McCartney?"
"I dunno, but that guy in the middle with the beard and the bad breath, that's gotta be Willie Nelson."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Aldarinn on August 22, 2009, 08:56:04 AM
Banta has a cross-eyed bull that keeps bumping into things. He calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem.

The vet says, "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the bulls' eyes will straighten out."

The vet - a 70 year old man - inserts the pipe and blows. The bulls' eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his breath and the bulls' eyes are crossed again. The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again.

The vet looks at Banta and says, "You look like a strong man, why don't you give it a try."

Banta agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the bulls' ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow.

"Shit!!!" says the vet. "What in the hell did you do that for?"

Banta replies, "You don't think I am going to put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on."


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 26, 2009, 03:33:55 AM
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two
large plastic garbage bags behind her.
                       
One of the  bags rips, and every once in a while a $20
bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
                     
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am,
there  are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really?  Darn!' says the little old lady.
'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them.
Thanks for  telling me..'

'Well,  now, not so fast,' says the cop.  'How did you
get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'
                       
'Oh, no', says the little old lady.
'You see, my back yard is right next to the football
stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through
the fence into my flower garden.
So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge
clippers.  Each time some guy
sticks his thing through the fence,
I say, '$20 or off it comes.'
                       
'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop.. 
OK?  Good luck!
                     
Oh, by the  way, what's in the other bag?
                       
                       
                       
'Well, you know', says the little old lady,
 'not everybody  pays..'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 26, 2009, 03:40:32 AM


The Itch


Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try... One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of Itching Powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber,Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story............

Pay your bills.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Bomber on August 27, 2009, 04:30:48 PM
Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One says to the other "Does this smell fishy to you?"

**********

I was in the pub the other day playing darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first."
I said, "Baa."
He said, "Moo."
I said, "You win..."

Bomber
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on August 27, 2009, 04:34:27 PM
I was in London a while back and walked past Number 10 Downing Street.

"The lights were on but nobody was at home."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on August 27, 2009, 06:38:52 PM
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end,
puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

 


The pharmacist fainted.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on August 27, 2009, 08:54:43 PM
Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of
stress. I keep losing my temper with people."

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."

Patient: "I just did, you friggin' jackass!"

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on August 29, 2009, 06:29:29 AM
HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE


1. Open a new file in your PC .

2. Name it 'Housework.'

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

5. Your PC will ask you, 'Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?'

6. Calmly answer, 'Yes' and press mouse button firmly ....

7. Feel better?
 

Works for me!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on August 30, 2009, 07:32:28 PM
A small synagogue was being audited by the IRS. The auditor was young and conniving; the Rabbi, old and wise.

"I've noticed you use a lot of candles," said the auditor. "What do you do with all of the wax drippings?"

"Oh," replied the Rabbi, "We collect all of the drippings and send them to the candle makers. Every so often, they send us a complete box of candles for free."

The auditor thought for a moment, unwilling to accept defeat. "I've noticed you use a lot of matzo here. What do you do with all of the crumbs?" he asks.

The Rabbi patiently replies, "We collect all of the crumbs, and send them back to the maker. Every so often, they send us a complete box for free."

The auditor becomes visibly agitated by the Rabbi's answers for everything. Finally, he thinks he has something. "I've noticed you perform a lot of circumcisions here. What do you do with all of the left over foreskins?"

The Rabbi pauses, then says, "We collect all of the foreskins from the circumcisions. We send them to the IRS and, every so often, they send us a complete Prick."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on August 31, 2009, 07:42:14 PM
A woman goes to see the doctor with a mysterious complaint, a bright green ring printed on the inside of each thigh.  The doc ponders over this for a while and then asks...

"Do you have a Gypsy Lover?"

"Well, yes, as it happens.  Why?

"Tell him his gold earrings are cheap fakes."

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on September 01, 2009, 03:30:16 PM
A rapper was holding his 8 month old baby while his
wife was in kitchen fixing lunch.

The baby murmured "mother".

The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the
baby just said half a word!"

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 01, 2009, 10:18:23 PM
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO NATIONAL PARK RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET KOALAS TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 02, 2009, 12:55:55 AM
A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.   
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.   

'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'


The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile hard on the top of
its head

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.


The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'
 
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on September 02, 2009, 04:05:36 AM
Some answers to a few of life's great mysteries, recently posed by FireFly....

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

Shoot and stuff the first and press the other, to preserve them both for posterity.

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

Stranger things happen at sea.


20. HOW DO THEY GET KOALAS TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

By teaching them to read road signs, thus making them 'smarter than your average bear' and streets ahead of most drivers.

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

Unsliced bread and a man who knew how to use a knife properly. Which is why 'real men' are now an endangered species.

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

We can but hope ;-)

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

Thatan, of corth.  Who elth could be thutch a nathty thod.  He altho wrote the thong 'Careleth Whithperth'.  Bathtard./i]

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

Who says we can't?  The Cornish have been 'lamping' them for years[./i]

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Have you ever known an insurance company turn down money?  Especially if the deal includes an automatic 'weasel clause'.

Gyppo

   
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 02, 2009, 04:42:02 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Well that was another screen spraying moment, a waste of good bourbon.  ::)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 02, 2009, 05:30:48 AM
Well, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there forabout five minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said,

'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a dickhead.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more

tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care.

We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 06, 2009, 04:20:05 AM
Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor image, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on September 06, 2009, 04:41:46 AM
Another answer to another great question.

11. WHERE DO NATIONAL PARK RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
State parks, thems the boondocks.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 10, 2009, 08:26:48 AM
During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 11, 2009, 07:48:33 AM
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.  He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?' 

 
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

 
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

 
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

 
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

 
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

 
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

 
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

 
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was..
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

 
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it..  You'll really love my place  The grass is almost a foot high..'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 11, 2009, 06:17:17 PM
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'
'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'
Michael, do you have a story to share?'
‘Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
‘Stay the f*** away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking ‘
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Aldarinn on September 11, 2009, 09:58:55 PM
Report: This is the daily news.The Arkenhall Cemetery plane crash is now officially the most devastating plane crash ever. So far, rescue workers have unearthed 1893 bodies from the debris, and have every reason to expect lots more!!!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: J Smiles on September 14, 2009, 07:58:16 PM
Did you hear the one about the the insomniac, atheist, dyslexic?
He stayed up all night and finally decided there is no DOG

What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?
One's a slimy bottom feeder and the other is a fish
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on September 18, 2009, 04:46:19 AM
A man staggers into the casualty department of a large city hospital.  He's obviously been severely beaten and the doctor on duty assumes it was a mugging.

After cleaning, stitching, and plastering the Doctor asks him what happened.

"You're not going to believe this, but I was attacked by a six foot tall beetle using two baseball bats.  It just jumped out of an alleyway and started laying into me."

"Ah..." says the Doctor,  "I heard there was a nasty bug going around."

Gyppo   
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Aldarinn on September 18, 2009, 04:48:13 AM
Patient:Doctor,I feel like a pack of cards.
Doc:I'll deal with you later.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on September 18, 2009, 07:06:39 AM
Patient:  "Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains."
Doctor:   "Pull yourself together, Man.

=====

Doctor:   "What's your problem?"
Patient:  "Everyone keeps ignoring me ."
Doctor:   "Next please."

=====

Patient:  "Doctor, I think I'm a little potty."
Doctor:   "Then get back under your bed!"

=====

Nurse:     "Doctor, why are you trying to fill in the patient's chart with a thermometer?"
Doctor:    "Damn!  That means some bum's got my pen."

***
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on September 18, 2009, 07:36:49 AM

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I am a billiard ball

get to the end of the cue man!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a puppy!


Doctor, Doctor I’ve lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?


Doctor Im having trouble ejaculating


Oh come come sir
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: twisted wheel on September 18, 2009, 07:41:37 AM
mick opens the fridge and shouts to paddy, "why do you keep an empty bottle in here?"

paddy shouts back, "just in case anyone wants black coffee."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 21, 2009, 07:23:41 PM
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately

spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner...

The owner looked at her and said,

"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution

and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided

she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up

in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,


"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,

but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school

the bird saw and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended

but then began to laugh about the situation

considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith

came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,



"Hi, Keith!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 21, 2009, 11:14:05 PM
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 22, 2009, 03:28:56 AM
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and other paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark."

"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 22, 2009, 03:33:55 AM
A lawyer and an Aussie are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Aussies are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...So the lawyer asks if the Aussie would like to play a fun game.

The Aussie is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Aussies attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Aussie doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Aussies turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Aussie and hands him $500. The Aussie pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Aussie up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Aussie reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 24, 2009, 07:10:57 PM
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.

He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!
He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hare Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hare - Adds Permanent Wave."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on September 27, 2009, 07:05:23 AM
An old man lived alone in the countryside. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it would be very hard work as the ground was hardened. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him normally, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
    Love, Dad

 A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Dad,
    Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the bodies.
    Love, Vinnie

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The following day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Dad,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love you, Vinnie
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 27, 2009, 10:57:55 PM

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty...You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Singapore Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Singapore Airlines?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Singapore Airlines brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who was the idiot who did your hair?"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on September 27, 2009, 11:00:20 PM
People say I'll do anything to tell a joke. BUT, I don't tell jokes about getting in and out of fields, it's not my stile.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Opus on September 28, 2009, 12:00:17 AM
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who was the idiot who did your hair?"

This was a hoot and quite unexpected.   :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: buddingwriter on September 28, 2009, 10:15:27 AM
I retire from a major theme park in Tampa, FL, afte 30 and one-half-years of service, I was an
hourly (8 hour shift) supervisor; however,I typically put in shifts of 11 to 13 hours. As might be
expected,my o-workers accused me of being a "company man" or a "brown-noser." I disagreed
with these labels. However, I was quick to admit that I was "so dedicaed, I should be committed."



Best wishes,
buddingwriter
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on September 29, 2009, 10:56:43 PM
So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off  their boats?"

To which Murphy replies,"Well if they fell forwards they'd still be in the bloody boat!"

 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 01, 2009, 09:17:14 PM
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty -- except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me, old man!?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 01, 2009, 09:29:37 PM
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to
enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each
time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would
try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...

P....

E...

N...

I...

S...



His wife fell off her chair
laughing when the
computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH ...
 
 
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on October 04, 2009, 09:29:31 AM
A beautiful woman boarded a jet and took a seat in
the first class section. The flight attendant checked
her ticket and said "You're in the wrong section. This
ticket is for coach.
You'll have to move." The woman replied, "I'm blond,
I'm beautiful and I'm going home to Miami."

The attendant called for the co-pilot who checked her
ticket and also told her she had to move.
Again she replied,"I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm
going home to Miami."

So they told the captain. He just laughed and said
she sounded like his wife and that it was no problem.

He went to her seat and whispered something into
her ear. She instantly got up and moved back to
coach.

"Captain, what did you say to get her to move?"
asked the flight attendant.

The captain replied, "I told her that the first class
section doesn't land in Miami."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on October 05, 2009, 10:46:49 AM

Read all your references carefully.  I'd love to take the credit for this one, but I can't.
 
Subject: Fw: Letter of recommendation

LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION


1        Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2        hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
3        wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
4        thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5        finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6        measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7        breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8        vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9        knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
10      classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
11      dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
12      promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13      executed as soon as possible.

Addendum......
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
 

 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on October 08, 2009, 10:03:00 PM
Two Ducks walk into a bar but they forgot to bring any money so they go outside and beg. The first person they ask is a guitar player and he says, "You expect me to pay for your drinks, no way."

So they ask a clarinet player and he says, "I would but money is tight right now, you know."

So they ask a Czech pianist and he says, "No Coke.... Radio?"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 08, 2009, 11:28:12 PM
DIVORCE   VS.  MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like
to buy some Cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."


 

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail!

All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
 

"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 08, 2009, 11:36:52 PM
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.... as it happens, near  Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.  It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.


Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty.. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.."

 
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

 
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

 
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

 
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

 
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

 
He bursts in and shouts to his master:

 
 
 


 

 
"Master, Master! ..... 

 The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 11, 2009, 10:15:26 PM

At the Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the
next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to
his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the
gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When he finished, the
man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the
best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came
upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Up or Down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate
love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked
her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes.

There they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the
fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or Down?"
The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came
upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or Down?"
She replied "Up."

This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal?
Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made
mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought
the choices were 'F**K or DROWN'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on October 12, 2009, 01:30:47 AM
John decided to visit his friend, Dave, who had just moved into a new high-rise apartment building. As he parked his car and got out, he heard a woman's voice say, "Hi there, big boy."

Looking up, he saw a gorgeous lady - dressed in a sheer negligee, leaning over the railing. "Come on up and see me," she purred.  "Flat 512

John wasn't about to pass up an opportunity like that! He took the elevator to the fifth floor, and as he got off - an apartment door opened, and the sexy lady beckoned him toward her. John walked through the open door.

"I've been waiting for someone like you," the lady said as she slowly unzipped his pants. John's pecker rose swiftly to the occasion, and the lady took it into her hand. Then she gave it a sharp whack with the other hand!

"What the hell did you do that for?" he cried.

"That'll teach you to use my parking space!"

***
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 12, 2009, 04:03:43 AM
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 19, 2009, 01:58:57 AM
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule. He tried to plough a lot. One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister wanted to ask the old farmer about it.

So, after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.



"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: japsa on October 20, 2009, 01:26:25 AM
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "why the long face?"
the horse replies "I have cancer =["
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on October 20, 2009, 05:06:15 PM
Two men walk into a bar, one of them is a bit slow and the entire incident proceeds with tedious inevitability.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 20, 2009, 11:51:45 PM
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
 asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.

 Mum said, "You should say no, they only want to look at your panties".

 Susie said, "I know they do, that's why I hide them in my bag".
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on October 21, 2009, 05:52:49 AM
"Alllleee Ooop!"

A champion jockey is about to enter an important
race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and
says, "All you have to remember with this horse is
that every time you approach a jump, you have to
shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's
ear.  Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises
 to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. 
The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice
and the horse crashes straight through the centre
of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle.  The
jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee
ooop" in the horse's ear.  The same thing happens --
the horse crashes straight through the centre of the
jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good,
I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really
loudly.

Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no
problems.  This continues for the rest of the race, but
due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went
wrong.

The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me -- it's
this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?  DEAF?  He's not deaf.  He's
BLIND!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 21, 2009, 07:22:47 PM
A Mallee farmer got into his ute, drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "Is your Mum here?"

"No sir, she isn't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad?"

Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your elder brother Howard getting my daughter Kellie pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "Youd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. "If its any help to you, I know that Dad charges $150 for the bull and $75 for the boar, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 23, 2009, 12:07:00 AM
MOUSE BALLS...



I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness.  It went to all field engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem.  The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor!  Especially note the last couple of sentences...



To: Whom it may concern

Re: Replacement of mouse balls



If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement



Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).  Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine this type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.  Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.  Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the mouse.  Foreign balls can be replaced by using the pop off method.

Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.  Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.  However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.  It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 23, 2009, 11:52:05 PM
Having trouble finding that perfect book? Maybe this is the problem.   ::) ::)


(http://img23.imageshack.us/img23/5384/booksrv.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on October 24, 2009, 05:34:51 AM
That's a gem, FF.

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 25, 2009, 11:15:56 PM
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through
the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing.

They actually have a program here in Brisbane That will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.


'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.

They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read
something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.  Yesterday morning, just before we left to
drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Courier Mail.
Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at
the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my
boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful
Barrister.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Malfesto on October 26, 2009, 12:35:49 AM
A piece of string wriggles into a bar. He looks up the bartender and asks,

'Can I have a scotch on the rocks please?'

The bartender shakes his head in disgust.

'We don't serve your kind in here. Get out.'

The piece of string wilts in depression and slithers his way back out of the bar. Just then he is struck by an idea and darts down an alley. He twists himself in loops over and over, unravelling himself as he does so. He then bounces back into the bar again and asks,

'Can I have a scotch on the rocks please?'

The bartender nods in acknowledgement and pours the drink, but just before handing it over, he pulls it back, eyeing the string suspiciously.

'Say. Aren't you that piece of string from before?'

'No' protests the string. 'I'm a frayed knot.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on October 27, 2009, 05:04:44 AM
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after
 their bomb making class in Melbourne,  when one notices the other
 has a huge cork stuck in his arse.

If you do not mind me saying,' stated the second, 'that cork looks very
uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'

I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab.  'It is permanently stuck in my arse.

'I do not understand,' said the other.

The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street and I tripped over an oil lamp.
There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire with a
white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.
He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'

I said, 'No shit?'

Gotta luv Aussie slang!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on October 30, 2009, 03:24:30 PM
Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
 
Mick says, 'How you doin’?'

Paddy says, 'Do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed.

He says, ‘Your dad sent me up here to shag the both of you.’

They say, 'Get away with ya… prove it!'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of ‘em?'

Paddy shouts back 'Of course both of ‘em, what's the point of f***in’ one?'
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 01, 2009, 08:37:41 PM
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,when behind him he hears:


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...


BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him


FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP. ..

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP..

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,

(hopefully you're really ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 01, 2009, 08:43:23 PM
(http://img20.imageshack.us/img20/7498/remotev.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 02, 2009, 07:57:18 PM

Air Force Test

This will drive you nuts!!

The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls.

If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It's been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes.

Give it a try but be careful...it is addictive!!


http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html (http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on November 04, 2009, 06:11:45 PM
A woman goes to see her doctor for advice about two curious green ring shaped marks which have appeared on the inside of her thighs.  The doctor looks at then and ponders for a while.

"Do you have a Gypsy lover?"

"Well, yes, I do as it happens."

"Then tell him his 'gold' earrings are fake."

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 05, 2009, 01:17:03 AM
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.  When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up baked beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home  from work.  Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.  On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew  it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
 

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.


Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! Me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."


He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took
A seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the  telephone
Rang.  He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned
And  went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.  I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.


Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.  The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable.  When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom,  I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on  my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.


My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.  He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.


At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests  seated
Around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"


I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 05, 2009, 11:17:31 PM


Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need
to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide
to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that
I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to
your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 06, 2009, 10:59:34 PM
(http://img32.imageshack.us/img32/5589/blondej.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 07, 2009, 04:03:57 AM
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size
because they were too  loose and floppy.  Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be
kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she  found 3 roses carefully placed beside her
on the bed.  Outraged,  she immediately calls  in the doctor. 

'I thought I asked you not to tell  anyone about my  operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was
from him: 'I felt sad  because you went through  this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse.  She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she
had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.

'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit.  He  wanted to thank you for His new ears.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on November 08, 2009, 02:56:36 PM
Air Force Test

This will drive you nuts!!

The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls.

If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It's been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes.

Give it a try but be careful...it is addictive!!


http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html (http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html)
Thanks for posting, as well as all the good jokes, i got to 15.45 seconds and improving.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 08, 2009, 03:00:17 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

That makes one of us mate, I am pitiful.  ;)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: kholuj on November 09, 2009, 04:21:54 AM
i think if there is a joke that deserves to be in the crap joke section then this is it:

It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing
>  Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles
>      around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
>
>      As Claude took to the stage, he announced,
"Unlike
>      most stage hypnotists who invite two or three
people
>      up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I
intend
>      to hypnotize each and every member of this
audience."
>
>      The excitement was almost electric as Claude
>      withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from
his coat.
>
>      I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch.
>      It's a very special watch. It's been in my
family for
>      six generations. He began to swing the watch
gently back
>      and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the
watch,
>      watch the watch, watch the watch...."
>
>      The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed
back
>      and forth, light gleaming off its polished
surface.
>      Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying
watch,
>      until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers
>      and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces.
>
>      "Shit!" said the hypnotist.
>
>      It took three weeks to clean up the theatre
>
>
>
>
>
>
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on November 09, 2009, 07:58:11 AM
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 09, 2009, 08:42:46 PM
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

As he steps in, he's struck dumb: There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall holds a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then he hears the door on the other side open and the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me," he says, "for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession.
But I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be!"

"Get out you fool!" the priest hisses. "You're on my side!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 10, 2009, 12:51:48 AM
Paddy & Mick go to London to donate blocked. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna prtend Im mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I dont think thats her, she wasnt that tall!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off..

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick Irish like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick you if I could swim!'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: rokerman on November 16, 2009, 09:21:17 AM
Heard about the wooden car

wooden engine
wooden wheels

would n't go
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on November 16, 2009, 01:44:27 PM
A Japanese businessman, visiting the UK, drops into a London bank to change a wad of Yen into Pounds for tips etc..

The next day, having been out on the town, he visits the same bank and receives considerably less Pounds for the same amount of Yen.

He queries this with the teller, who replies with typical Brit brevity...

"Fluctuations."  To which the little Japanese screams back...

"Fluck you clazy Blitish too!"

Gyppo   
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 17, 2009, 12:58:54 AM
This happened just outside a little town in Raleigh, Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true!

Charlie was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rain storm. There was no moon, it was pitch black, and there were no cars on the road. The storm was so strong Charlie could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming toward him and stop. Without thinking about it, Charlie got in the car and closed the door -- and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel! But by then the car was moving again, so he was afraid to jump out.

Charlie looked at the road and saw the car was approaching a curve. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. He had not come out of shock when, just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the wheel! Charlie, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, Charlie managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car. Without looking back, he ran through the storm all the way to Raleigh.

Soaking wet, exhausted and in a state of utter shock, the pale, visibly shaken guy walked into the Ark Lounge and asked for a double Scotch. Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the bar about the terrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing. Everyone in the bar listened in silence and became frightened. Listening to this eerie story, their hairs stood on end when they realized Charlie was telling the truth because he was crying and he definitely was not drunk.

As he finished his frightful tale, suddenly the front door opened, and in walked two completely soaked men. They took one look at Charlie and one said to the other, "Hey, look: there's the git who got into the car while we were pushing it!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: kholuj on November 17, 2009, 04:04:22 AM
This has to be read aloud the way some Scandinavians speak  english.

A photographer is trying to photograph three Swedish models for a calender spread. He moves them this way then that way, sometimes adjusting the light, sometimes adjusting his camera.
'He is trying to focus' informs one model to another.
'why doesn't he do that first, he can take the photographs later' says the other with some exasperation.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: kholuj on November 17, 2009, 04:06:07 AM
in retrospect two swedish models wold have sufficed. but what the hell, the more the merrier.javascript:void(0);javascript:void(0);
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on November 19, 2009, 04:27:55 AM
 the thinnest book in the world??

The Amish Phone Book ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on November 19, 2009, 02:28:33 PM
What goes Clop, Clop, Clop. Bang! Clop, Clop, Clop? [Fading into distance.]

An Amish drive-by-shooting.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 20, 2009, 04:59:47 AM
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall
where a flower show was in  progress.

The thin one  leaned over and  said,

'Life is so boring. 

We never have any fun any more.

For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the  other old lady, holding up a $10 note.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,

Completely naked, streaked  (as fast as an old lady can) 

Through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,

Followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling and naked  old lady came through the exit door

To the roar of a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement. '

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on November 20, 2009, 05:09:01 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on November 20, 2009, 05:19:54 AM


A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are sitting in the docs waiting room. All pregnant they get talking about babys. The brunette says I was on top whhen I conceived that means I'll have a boy.
The redhead says I was underneath when I conceived that means I'll have a girl.
The blonde starts sobbing and crying and the other two ask whats wrong.............

The blonde says Oh my God that means I'm going to have puppies........... ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 20, 2009, 07:24:36 PM
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ...'

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......




'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 23, 2009, 05:15:24 AM



Words of Wisdom, Not So Much A Joke



One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that was going on inside himself.

He said, "My boy, the fight is between two wolves."

That certainly got the boy's attention.

"One is evil," the old man continued. "Anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego."

"What of the other, grandfather?" the boy asked.

"The other is good," he said. "Joy, Peace, Love, Hope, Serenity, Humility, Kindness, Benevolence, Empathy, Generosity, Truth, Compassion and Faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Do we all have such wolves fighting inside us, grandfather?"

"Yes," the wise old man said.

"Then, which wolf wins the fight?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Hugh on November 23, 2009, 05:36:15 AM
You're right, ff -- not so much a joke -- but a great story. Nice one.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 23, 2009, 05:38:37 AM
Thanks Hugh, I kinda liked it when I read it.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 23, 2009, 05:43:00 PM
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on November 23, 2009, 09:29:35 PM
It's been around for a while, but...


A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men and the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.  I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.  So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
 
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah?  Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
 
"And there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DGSquared on November 23, 2009, 10:04:25 PM
Ha ha ha! Good one. I dislike using lol but I did lol. Thanks. :)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 24, 2009, 06:15:56 AM


IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ...
But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires
 
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on November 24, 2009, 03:46:59 PM
I went to the doctors the other day and I asked him him " Have you got anything for wind", - and he gave me a little kite.


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.  They charged one and let the other one off.

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 30, 2009, 01:26:06 AM
A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Lockyer Valley farm and talks with an old farmer.

 

He tells the farmer, I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.

 

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that paddock over there.

 

The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the
Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am
allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions
asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

 

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work.

 

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep
running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. The bull
is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old
farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells
at the top of his lungs.....

 

 

 

'Your card! Show him Your card!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on November 30, 2009, 04:36:48 PM
How to smuggle a hair dryer
Getting a hairdryer through customs....
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' 'Of course child. What may I
do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry
it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
 

 
 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DGSquared on December 01, 2009, 01:07:43 PM




What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning? They went clubbing.





Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on December 02, 2009, 04:32:32 PM
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
 The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up
 the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short,
 and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching
green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,

'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

 

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on December 07, 2009, 11:10:56 AM
A old man is sat in the pub quietly minding his own business when a cocky youngster in martial arts gear swaggers in and knocks him down with a savage punch.

"When he comes round, tell him that was a reverse knuckle punch.  Shotokan style."  He tells the startled onlookers.

A week later the same youngster walks into the gents at the same pub, and is immediately smacked over the head with a bent iron bar by the same old man.

When he comes around there's a neat little note pinned to his chest.

'Starting handle.  Morris Style.'

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: eric on December 07, 2009, 11:29:16 AM
Good joke!  Er, I mean, crappy!

In Shotokan, like other schools, the rule is never use it except for self-defense.  That he was a cocky young kid might be enough to explain that deviation.  And he got his comeuppance!

The reverse fist would not be that powerful a punch, though, except in the hands of a master (which we can assume this kid was not, due to his bluster and inability to defend self in men's room).  Suggest you might consider a stronger attack, the straight punch or what's it called for example.

By the way, loved the one about the Marine and the terrorist.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jazmin on December 07, 2009, 07:03:09 PM
Quote from: Gyppo

Rather appropriately for a 'crap' joke thread...

Q:  What's brown and sticky?

A:  A stick.

Gyppo

Which is always best followed with:

Q: What's brown and sticky and looks through the window?

A: A poo on stilts.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on December 08, 2009, 11:02:18 PM
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage,he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm 20, going on my honeymoon    next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.  It should be Okay next week.'   

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together;  an impressive  work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.  She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, .....still in the CRATE!'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on December 13, 2009, 08:10:04 AM
These seasonal jokes and crackers will sleigh you .

What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24th?
'It's Christmas!  Eve.'

Q. Why was Cinderella no good at football?
A. Because her coach was a pumpkin.

Q. What happened to the man who ate the Christmas decorations?
A. He went down with tinsel-itis

Q.What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

N. The Christmas alphabet has no " L" .


Q.What's the favourite Christmas Carol of parents ?
A. Silent Night.


The Office Party ( adult material)

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding
headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the
preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put
some coffee in front of him. “Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last
night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of
yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you
insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

- - - - - - - - -

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at
the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present
something “Christmassy”.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is
allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent
Christmas?”

The third man answered “They’re Carol’s.”
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on December 18, 2009, 07:45:10 PM
One from the archives...

        POINTS TO PONDER:

        The Seven(ish) Ponders of the World(?)

        If you think this is racist, perhaps you should
lighten up a little. Hang loose, man/woman/
whatever....

        1 Why do all Welshmen think they can sing?
        2 Why do all Frenchmen consider themselves
superb lovers?
        3 Why do all Germans think they're efficient?
        4 Why do all Greeks think they know how to
dance?
        5 Why do all Swiss think their time is more
accurate than anyone else's?
        6 Why do all Russians think they can drink more
Vodka than any other nation?
        7 And... Why do all Englishmen *know*, if push
comes to shove, that they can beat all of them at their
own speciality, and still find time for a jolly good
cup of tea?

        *****
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on December 19, 2009, 12:49:44 PM
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of
babies. Little Cindy is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: dhanks on December 19, 2009, 05:40:35 PM
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and walks back across the road??





My 3yr old niece replied: A filthy dirty chicken. .....LOL

That's even better than the real answer!! HAHA
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on December 19, 2009, 06:51:43 PM


        If you think this is racist, perhaps you should
lighten up a little. Hang loose, man/woman/
whatever....

       

Racism is pertaining to race not nationality.


It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and I'll answer the question and get out of here early "

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go ho me ."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Now Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer  any of the questions first and the girls are all going home before him.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: howardgary_88 on December 19, 2009, 07:40:59 PM
Q: A woman has a wooden leg. Whats her name?

A: Peg


Q: A man with no arms or legs went swiming. Whats his name?

A: Bob


Q: A woman is missing her leg. What is her name?

A: Ilene
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on December 20, 2009, 02:25:42 PM
Q:  What do you call a train made from toffee?

A:  A Chew-Chew.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Andrewf on December 20, 2009, 02:29:47 PM
Q.  What do snowmen eat for breakfast?


A. Snowflakes.

 ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on December 20, 2009, 02:42:48 PM
"Church"

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down,
so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the
ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man
peeked down through one of the vents in the
sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling
by the altar, apparently saying her rosary.

Since the man was a fundamental Baptist, he
thought it'd be funny to try and mess with the lady's
mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is
Jesus. Your prayers will be answered."

The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying
her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear
him, and tried again.

"This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be
answered!"

Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big
breath of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS
IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS
WILL BE ANSWERED!"

The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP, CHILD! I'M TALKING
TO YOUR MOTHER!"

=====
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Andrewf on December 20, 2009, 03:51:38 PM
Q. Why don't polar bears eat penguins?


A. They can't get the wrappers off.   :D


For non-Brits... a penguin is a chocolate covered bar.
(http://www.virginmedia.com/images/choc_penguin_taras-431x300.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on December 20, 2009, 03:54:17 PM
Looks like our Tim Tam Andrew, yummo.   ;D ;D

http://www.arnotts.com.au/our-products/products/arnotts-tim-tam.aspx (http://www.arnotts.com.au/our-products/products/arnotts-tim-tam.aspx)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on December 20, 2009, 04:42:31 PM
Hey, that looks like a 'penguin in the dark'.  Plain chocolate.  Extra yummy ;-)

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: KathyD on December 20, 2009, 04:57:28 PM
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

KathyD
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on December 20, 2009, 05:13:19 PM
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man replied, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.


He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: writersblock on December 20, 2009, 05:40:10 PM
this 1 is not the least bit funny, and it doesnt make sense, but somebody once emailed it to me.



Gertrude caused a plane to crash and 200 people, including herself died, but she was not blamed. Why not?


Gertrude spontaneuosly combusted while the guy next to her was spraying Axe body spray over himslef, so he burstinto flames and started running down the isle wildly. He passed a young man on a laptop and set the cable on fire, which went like a fuse on a bomb. The computor exploded. Meanwhile, a pilot was drinking his coffee and the plane was also carrying a type of acid the spreads. Hearing all the commotion, he dropped his coffee onto a lone bottle of the expanding acid. The acid chewed through the floor and to the insullation, finding the fire after 3 minutes. The acid and fire combine right near a gas tank and cause it to explode. the plane crashes into a hill and several people die on inpact, and those who don't can't get far enough away before the plane explodes.

alternate answer: Gertrude was a bird that got aught in the propeller while the plane was taking off.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Lin on December 21, 2009, 05:49:50 AM
Two farmers were talking in a pub.
 "My prize pig is sick" said one
"Well when moi pig were sick I give her turpentine"
"Turpentine?"
"Argh, turpentine"
The farmer goes home and promptly admininsters the medicine
The following week he met his friend in the pub
"You know you said to try turpentine for my sick pig, well she died"
"Argh so did moin"

Lin x
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on December 21, 2009, 06:18:55 AM
Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither
one of them has ever been duck hunting before
and after several hours they still haven't bagged
any.

One hunter looks at the other and says, "I just
don't understand it -- why aren't we getting any
ducks?"

Her friend says, "We need to improve our technique.  I just don't
think we're throwing the dog high enough."

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on January 05, 2010, 01:17:27 AM
A Duck Billed Platypus walks into a bar and guns down all the Ducks that have been using his tab.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on January 05, 2010, 01:22:26 AM
Looks like our Tim Tam Andrew, yummo.   ;D ;D

http://www.arnotts.com.au/our-products/products/arnotts-tim-tam.aspx (http://www.arnotts.com.au/our-products/products/arnotts-tim-tam.aspx)
Says on Wiki that Tim Tams were based on Penguin Biscuits.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Tam
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DC on January 06, 2010, 05:20:53 PM

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on January 06, 2010, 06:45:41 PM
In Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrolstation in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick upthe nozzle.As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 06, 2010, 07:57:53 PM
        A traditional tale, origin unknown, told 'Gyppo
style'..

        One morning, walking down the path to collect
my bicycle before cycling to work, I found a little man
dressed in green and red sat on a tree stump.  He
looked like an Elf, but being English I didn't want to
appear too familiar so I just nodded in passing and got
on with my day.

        On the third day the little Elf nodded as well,
a sure sign he was a proper English Elf and not some
damned gobby Irish Leprechaun.  After a suitable week
or two had passed it seemed okay to speak.

        "Morning, little Elf."

        "Morning, big Human."

        Anyway, for nearly a year that was about as far
as conversation got, except for mentioning the weather
if it was really extreme.  And then, one morning, my
little Elf was missing.  After a few weeks I assumed he
must have moved on and almost forgot him.

        About two years later he suddenly reappeared
and greeted me one morning and I stopped for a slightly
longer chat.

        "Morning, Big Human.  Still a Postie then?"

        "Keeps the wolf from the door...  Where have
you been for the last two years?"

        He snapped off a quick salute and said...
"I've been doing my National Service."

        "Your kidding?  Surely Elves don't have
National Service."

        "Course we do...  Surely you've heard of the
'National Elf Service."

        (I hope the collective cyber-groan doesn't
crash the entire web)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: DC on January 07, 2010, 02:58:18 AM
Gyppo, I found myself in a similar situation many years ago while walking the dog on the cBlocked bank. Came across this little fellow dressed all in green, with those weird 'curled up pointy toed' shoes. He was sitting against the wall, his head between his knees, his arms up over his face,  hands holding his head. Waldo (dog) gave him a quick sniff, but decided he wasn't property to be marked, and carried on. I was curious though, so I asked him..

'Hey, are you a Goblin?'

'No,' he replied, 'I've got a splitting headache.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 08, 2010, 04:34:31 PM
Some wonderful examples of ambiguous sentences here...

These are allegedly genuine writings from various hospital charts.

1. The patient refused an autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.

6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent
home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for
physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 08, 2010, 05:01:35 PM
       A few years ago someone sent me the following, which I enjoyed and tinkered with, adding my own **GC** Gyppo Comments*

        Subject: Drinkers Guide: which one are you?

          In a magazine survey fifty bartenders were asked if they could identify a customer's personality by their choice of drink.

          The results:

          If a woman drinks - Beer. Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
        *GC*:  Fair enough, but she'll probably beat you ;-(  There's a Geordie folk song which describes this type perfectly, containing the lines;
         'She's a big lass and a bonny lass
        and she likes her beer.
        And her name it is Cushy Butterfield
        and I wish she was here.'

          If a woman drinks - Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella. Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass. Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

          If a woman drinks - Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Scotch and soda. Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Approach:  If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.

          If a woman drinks - Water. Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship. Approach: Don't.

          If a woman drinks - Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask). Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
        *GC*:  On the other hand you may intrigue her with the 'rough but honest' approach.

          If a woman drinks - Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc. Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue. Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.
        *GC*:  In the interest of keeping my head on my shoulders and my reproductive organs intact I have to say I've met several women who give the lie to this one.  On the other hand, there have been others who conform to stereotype by the third bottle...

          If a woman drinks - Cape Velvet. Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart. Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

          If a woman drinks - Shots & Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.) Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk and naked. Approach: Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.

        ***

          Men, as always, very simple and clear cut.

          If a man drinks - Cider: He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

          If a man drinks - Cheap Domestic Beer: He's poor/a student and wants to get laid.

          If a man drinks - Premium Local Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

          If a man drinks - Imported Beer: He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

          If a man drinks - Guinness: The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

          If a man drinks - Water: He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid.

          If a man drinks - Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
        *GC*:  Or he could be a trainee Wino who doesn't give a toss about sophistication and just wants to get drunk as cheaply as possible.  Being laid isn't really part of his plans, and even if happens he's just as likely to fall asleep part way through ;-)

          If a man drinks - Vodka or Brandy: Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
        *GC*: Despite my more famous exploits with Woods 100% Navy Rum I did have a passionate 6 month affair with Brandy.  Can't recall ever recall waking up with a strange scarf though.  But with all that brandy I wouldn't would I?  Little Blue Demon territory ;-)

          If a man drinks - Port: Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

          If a man drinks - Whisky: He doesn't give two sh*ts about anything and will hit anyone who gets in his way of getting laid.

          If a man drinks - Jack Daniels: Not as masculine as the whisky drinker,knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

          If a man drinks - Rum or Tequila: Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
        *GC*:  A definite element of truth in this ;-)

          If a man drinks - Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc: He's gay (blatantly).

          **GC**:  I know a few who give the lie to this one as well.  People who are sure enough of themselves to drink what *they* like and don't give a damn for internet surveys.

          ***
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on January 08, 2010, 11:20:01 PM
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. 

I have two female parrots,


But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,

'Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,

'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .

That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,

'this may very well be the solution.'


The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked,

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

And exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!'


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on January 09, 2010, 06:16:34 AM
Confucius say,    " Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 09, 2010, 06:11:20 PM
The Lie Detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

=====
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on January 10, 2010, 05:50:20 PM
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen..

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly . it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on January 12, 2010, 03:48:49 PM

My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started....

******************************************


My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing at 40 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and learned that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....

******************************************


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?  Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!  He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started....

*****************************************


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started....

******************************************


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the fight started....

******************************************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started....

******************************************


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started....

******************************************


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started
 
 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on January 12, 2010, 10:09:38 PM
The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're arse-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on January 12, 2010, 10:14:45 PM
A very large lady, wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a bar in Dublin, She raised her right arm revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people in the bar and said in a loud voice:  "WHAT MAN HERE WILL BUY A LADY A DRINK"

The bar fell silent as everyone tried to ignore her, except for Paddy, drunk, at the end of the bar who slapped his money down and yelled "GIVE THE BALLERINA A DRINK"

The bartender poured her a drink and she chugged it down,

She turned to the patrons again, revealing the same hairy armpit and said again: "WHAT MAN HERE WILL BUY A LADY A DRINK"

Once again the same drunk at the end of the bar slapped his money down and said "GIVE THE BALLERINA A DRINK"

The barman served the drink and went up tp Paddy and said,

"Tell me, it's your money and you can buy her drinks all night, but why do you keep calling her "THE BALLERINA"

Jasus!! Paddy replied any blooidy woman who can lift her leg that high has gotta be a Ballerina!!!!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on January 12, 2010, 11:10:55 PM
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on January 12, 2010, 11:12:24 PM
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front.

He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he asks.

The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT."

The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 13, 2010, 01:47:26 AM
FF:  It would work, as long as the other chap was sober enough to realise what was going on.

=====

A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked what was the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard."

"Your nipples get hard?"

"Yes."

"Undress so I can check," replied the doc. So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer. After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, "Well Madame, I don't know what you have, but it's sure as hell contagious!"

=====


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on January 13, 2010, 08:55:44 AM
CORPORATE "MOTIVATIONAL" SLOGANS for POSTING

Adversity: That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.

Ambition: The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.

Apathy: If we don't take care of the customer, maybe they'll stop bugging us.

Blogging: Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.

Compromise: Let's agree to respect each other's views, no matter how wrong yours may be.

Consulting: If you're not part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.

Customer Disservice: Because we're not satisfied until you're not satisfied.

Despair: It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.

Ineptitude: If you can't do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.

Leaders: Leaders are like eagles. We don't have either of them here.

Meetings: None of us is as dumb as all of us.

Overconfidence: Before you attempt to beat the odds, be sure you can survive the odds beating you.

Propaganda: What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies to our faces.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 13, 2010, 10:59:51 AM
When you finally see a light at the end of the tunnel it's probably just some bastard with a torch bringing you more work.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on January 15, 2010, 01:13:47 AM
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the Superlimo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the kerb.
 
 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
 
 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
 
 'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..
 
 'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
 
 Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 97 mph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
 
 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal on the floor until they hear sirens.
 
 'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my licence -- and my job!' moans the driver.
 
 The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
 
 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
 
 The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him th at he's stopped a limo going 97 mph..
 
 'So charge him,' says the Chief.
 
 'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
 
 The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
 
 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
 
 The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the Mayor?'
 Cop: 'Bigger.'
 
 Chief: ' A Minister?'
 Cop: 'Bigger.' 
 
 Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
 Cop: 'Bigger.'
 
 'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
 
 Cop: 'I think it's God!'
 
 The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
 
 Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on January 15, 2010, 01:37:39 AM
A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when
he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."


The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the club
away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with
him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
 Hole in one.
 The man is befuddled and doesn't know

 

what to say.
 
By the end of the day, the man golfed
the best game of golf in his life and asks

 

the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit  Las Vegas ...."



" They go to  Las Vegas and the guy says,

 

"OK frog, now what?"
 
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table,
the man asks, "What do you think I
should bet?"
 
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
the table.


The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
 
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog,

 

I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am

 

forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the

 

frog did for him, he deserves it.
 
With a kiss, the frog turns into a
Gorgeous girl.
"And that


 is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

 



Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 15, 2010, 02:35:59 PM
This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products
and their quality standards. They're still laughing about
this at IBM.  Apparently the computer giant decided to have
some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the
specifications, they set out that they will accept three
defective parts per 10,000.  When the delivery came in
there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese people,
had a hard time understanding North American business
practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have
been separately manufactured and have been included in
the consignment. Hope this pleases you."

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 15, 2010, 02:37:44 PM
And one for Firefly to pass on to her mates at the Station, if they don't already know it.

"The Rescue"

A ladder was placed against the bedroom
window of a burning house, and a young
fireman rushed up. Inside was a curvy
brunette in a see-through nightie.

"Aha," said he, "You're the second pregnant
girl I've rescued this year!"

"But I'm not pregnant," indignantly exclaimed
the brunette.

"You're not rescued yet either."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 15, 2010, 02:48:19 PM
A young couple is out carousing one evening.
While driving down the highway the guy says
to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you
take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up.

When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to
strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so
busy staring at her that he drives off the road
and flips the car.

The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her
clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.

"Go get help." he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and
says, "Put an arm across your breasts, cover your
pussy with that, and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to
the gas station down the road.

When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the
attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her
crotch and replies, I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on January 15, 2010, 05:04:38 PM
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.  It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 15, 2010, 05:39:18 PM
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.  It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.

;-)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on January 23, 2010, 08:33:30 AM
BULWER-LYTTON BAD FICTION CONTEST
2009

"How to best pluck the exquisite Toothpick of Ramses from between a pair of acrimonious vipers before the Guards of Nicobar returned should have held Indy's full attention, but in the back of his mind he still wondered why all the others who had agreed to take part in his wife's holiday scavenger hunt had been assigned to find stuff like a Phillips screwdriver or blue masking tape."  (Joe Wyatt, Texas)

"In a flurry of flame and fur, fangs and wicker, thus ended the world's first and only hot air baboon ride." (Tony Alfieri, California)

"Darnell knew he was getting hung out to dry when the D.A. made him come clean by airing other people's dirty laundry; the plea deal was a new wrinkle and there were still issues to iron out, but he hoped it would all come out in the wash ... otherwise he had folded like a cheap suit for nothing."  (Lynn Lamousin, Louisiana)

"Towards the dragon's lair the fellowship marched -- a noble human prince, a fair elf, a surly dwarf, and a disheveled copyright attorney who was frantically trying to find a way to differentiate this story from 'Lord of the Rings'."  (Andrew Manoske, California)

"Using her flint knife to gut the two amphibians, Kreega the Neanderthal woman created the first pair of open-toad sandals."  (Greg Homer, California)

"There were earthquakes in this land, terrible tsunamis that swirled flooding torrents of water throughout, and constant near-blizzard conditions, and not for the first time did Horatio Jones wish he did not live inside a snow globe."  (Rich Buley-Neumar, New York)

"As always, that morning he awoke to the melodious sound of a stream of water cascading into a still pool, punctuated by several ominous silences -- and he could judge, by the length of the silences and the volume of the cascade, just how much of his three-year-old son's urine he would have to wade through to get to the sink."  (David Pellicane, New Jersey)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 23, 2010, 02:56:46 PM
Inspired by comments in another thread.

Q:  Why do real paper books despise e-books?

A:  Because even the better e-books are still spineless.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on January 24, 2010, 01:22:51 AM
A man moves into a nudist colony.   He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
 
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
 
The next day to his horror he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.   He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
 
 
A couple of weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says:

 

"Dear James, Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short."

Love, Grandma





Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on January 24, 2010, 08:18:25 PM
Terror Threat

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason
they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last
300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels
in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated
by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory,
effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Canada is planning to set up a scale of threat levels after
the hockey season is over.It's too cold for terrorists anyway.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to
"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some
toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more
level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and
rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain,
"Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and
"The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use
of the final escalation level.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 26, 2010, 07:05:20 PM

        Mistake

        A young man volunteered for military service
during World War II.  He had such a high aptitude for
aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air
Station, skipping recruit training.

        The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is
the best flier on the base. All they could do was give
him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an
aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

        On his first day aboard, he took off and
single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes.

        Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9
more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.

        Noting that his fuel was getting low, he
descended, circled the nearby carrier and came in for
a perfect landing on the deck.

        He threw back the canopy, climbed out and
jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said,
"Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

        The captain turned around, bowed politely, and
replied, "You make onry one velly, velly selious
mistake."

       *****
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on January 27, 2010, 10:49:59 AM
The Sensitive Man
 
A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears...

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall.  It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and a few huge, enormous bears on the top shelf. 

She finds it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears.  She's quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking.  After a while, she finds herself
thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!  Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.  He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where he gently undresses her and makes slow, thorough, and thoughtful  love to her. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
 
After an intense, explosive night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.  The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'

The guy smiles at her, gently strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says...

'Pick any prize from the middle shelf.'

*****
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on January 27, 2010, 07:53:28 PM
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
 
 After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
 
 Then I  remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on January 29, 2010, 09:05:36 AM


THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A TEXAS GIRL

The first man married a woman from Ohio .  He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.  It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Pennsylvania .  He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table

The third man married a girl from TEXAS .  He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.  He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.  He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on February 01, 2010, 05:02:48 PM
The other day I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my
inventions.  I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk
had a form that had to be filled out.  She wrote down my personal info
and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

"A Fottle", I said.

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of
them sounds somewhat crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the
office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on February 01, 2010, 11:36:58 PM
(http://img198.imageshack.us/img198/5414/cid24316fe7f14e4c509e99.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on February 02, 2010, 07:08:40 AM
FF,

Is that what they call 'the long arm of the law'?

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on February 02, 2010, 07:58:10 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on February 03, 2010, 03:07:46 PM
How to tell when bananas go bad

(http://i593.photobucket.com/albums/tt15/spcheck/badbanana.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on February 04, 2010, 06:10:00 AM
In America, we have these stimulus check things ...

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment.  This is a very exciting program.  I'll explain it using the Q and A format:

Q.  What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A.  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.  Where will the government get this money?
A.  From taxpayers..

Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money?
A.  Only a smidgen.

Q.  What is the purpose of this payment?
A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set,  thus stimulating the economy.

Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia ?
A.  Shut up or you don't get your check.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
       
1  If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China.
2  If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia.
3  If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.   
4  If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to  Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala.
5  If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
6  If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
7  If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.

Instead, you can keep the money in America by:
 
1     spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or     
2     going to baseball or football games, or     
3     hiring prostitutes, or     
4     buying cheap beer or     
5     getting tattoos.

These are the only wholly-American-owned businesses still operating in the US.

Conclusion:
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to go get tattooed.
 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on February 04, 2010, 07:23:26 AM
"Vice-President"

Tom was excited about his promotion to Vice
President at the company he worked for and
kept bragging about it, for weeks on end, to
his wife.

Finally, she couldn't take it any longer, and told
him, "Listen, it means nothing! They even have
a Vice President of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Then, playing along with his
wife, Tom called the grocery store.

A clerk answered and Tom said, "Can I please
talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replied, "Would that be fresh, canned, or frozen?"

=====
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on February 06, 2010, 08:47:28 PM
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like to be made of a fine marble.. At the top of a long hill, the line of the wall was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked
toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered..
 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.' The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked. 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
 'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?' 'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog. 'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked. 'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Hammockman on February 07, 2010, 12:08:09 AM

How many muso's does it take to change a light bulb?

It's an obscure number, you probably wouldn't know it.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on February 08, 2010, 10:20:11 PM
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes
to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina'.

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man
and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.

She slams the door again..

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving
and concerned voice,

'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows
up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to
hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you
to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going
with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.


'Do you have vagina?'

'Yes' she says.

The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave
my wife's alone and start using yours?'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on February 09, 2010, 07:55:36 AM
Life Without Farms...

A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:
"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!!"


I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on February 09, 2010, 10:43:17 AM
Life Without Farms...

A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:
"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!!"


I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit.


be careful please, was just taking a sip of coffee ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on February 09, 2010, 10:46:42 AM


so this little girl comes out of school and there is man waiitng in a car he says hey dear if you get into the car I will give you a sweetie
little girl says I'm not getting into the car

next day man is waiiting in the car again and says oh come on get into the car and I'll give you a bag of sweeties

little girl: Nope I am not getting into the car

this goes on for a couple of days and then the man says hey love get into the car and I'll give you a bag of sweeties and the biggest ice cream you ever saw.

little girl says get lost daddy I don't care what you give me I am not getting into a Lada. ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on February 14, 2010, 03:22:58 PM
Supposed to be a joke, but so believable.

My friend texted me asking what IDK means.
 
So I texted her back saying "I don't know".
 
She replied back saying, "OMG, NOBODY KNOWS!!"
 
 
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on February 17, 2010, 08:30:20 PM
Shortly after WW2 an inventor named Tate came up with a new kind of 'improved' marching compass which he felt was vastly superior to those currently being used by The Army.  In the hope of winning a lucrative military contract he produced one hundred of the the things and put them forwards for a trial.

One hundred squaddies, armed with the new compass and a set of UK map were driven in closed lorries to the centre of Dartmoor and told to find London.

Over the next few days they turned up in places as diverse as Scotland, Wales, and Cornwall.  One enterprising soul even borrowed a boat and had rowed half way to ireland before being plucked from the sea by a passing Naval vessel.

Not one of the testers found London, so Mister Tate and his compass were speedily consigned to the dustbin of history.  But his name lingers on in the old saying...

"He who has a Tate's is lost."

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on February 18, 2010, 04:44:23 AM
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'  So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table and yanked down his pants,  he then ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!' 
 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on February 18, 2010, 04:51:10 AM
Hey, FF.  You've just provided the joke which goes with one of my collection of orphaned punchlines, the osort of thing you overhear when you enter the pub a few seconds too late and everyone is laughing too much to explain.  Magic ;-)

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: WordBird on February 21, 2010, 03:38:58 PM
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room
and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was,
"Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said, "No." Daisy told Donald, "If
you don't get a condom, we can't have sex. Maybe they sell them at the front desk."
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave
it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?" "No!"
Donald quacked, "Do you want me to thuffocate?"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on February 22, 2010, 07:05:07 AM
SURPRISES AT THE OLYMPICS

Due to rainy, warm weather, the medal for downhill skiing was won by Michael Phelps.

The Curling event was won by a team of janitors from Swiffer.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on February 22, 2010, 07:39:29 AM
The Bet

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on February 22, 2010, 09:28:34 PM
A blonde and a redhead are hanging over the edge of a cliff on a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will soon break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths.

The redhead makes a noble and moving speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself for her friend.

At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on February 22, 2010, 09:47:07 PM
"And where do you want to go today?"

Good old Windoze, not just for surfing the net or looking at Blocked, but also there to help you with your more serious decisions...
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: hanabichan on February 24, 2010, 01:00:55 AM
"And where do you want to go today?"

Good old Windoze, not just for surfing the net or looking at Blocked, but also there to help you with your more serious decisions...

One of the options is "Pastry".

Now I'm really curious.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on February 24, 2010, 09:47:30 AM
One of the options is "Pastry".

Now I'm really curious.

I'm surprised suicide by chocolate wasn't in there.  But then this is Microsoft, past masters at creating an illusion of vast choice whilst truly offering very few real options.  Perhaps they also have shares in a chain of bakeries?

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on February 24, 2010, 09:51:43 AM
A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on February 25, 2010, 03:12:40 PM
Northern Jokes. These cracked me up!


Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

 

***

 

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to
have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

 

 ***

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone
should have the words "she were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be
ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason
calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like
to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that
it's been engraved "she were thin". He explodes - fooking 'ell man,
you've left the fooking "e" out, you've left the fooking "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will
be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower
returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the
stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud -
"E, she were thin".

***
Bloke from Barnsley with a sore arsehole asks chemist "Nah then lad,
does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"

 

 A London school teacher joins a new school in Barnsley and goes in early to check her classroom
The room is a mess so she collects all the rubbish up to throw away
At the same time time the headmaster walks by so she says:
“Headmaster, where’s the bin?”
The headmaster replies “Ave been for a slash love, but int that a bit foward on tha first day?”

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on February 25, 2010, 07:58:49 PM
Some of those 'northern jokes' are going into my repertoire for the next family gathering.

"Does tha want it eighteen carat?"  ;-)

As for "Is it a tom?"  ;-0  ;-)

Gyppo

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Spell Chick on February 25, 2010, 08:00:50 PM
Some of them didn't translate well on this side of the pond. Most I could figure out, but I'm not good with different accents across England ... so ...
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on February 26, 2010, 10:24:02 AM
Some of them didn't translate well on this side of the pond. Most I could figure out, but I'm not good with different accents across England ... so ...
It's simple, northerns talk funny, southerners don't.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on February 26, 2010, 10:52:04 AM
And 'Stealth Northerners' can do both.  Sometimes within the same sentence ;-)

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on February 26, 2010, 10:54:54 AM
Awlwight mayte, Ah was on the dog and bone, but fell down the apple and pears, cor blimey, mayte, y'know what I mean? Love a bleeding duck, that wat I say, mayte.

Yeah, the southeners don't talk funny!  ;) Buggered if I know wot those southern softies are saying!  ::)

When I was a kid, I had watched a few English made horror movies, must have been one in particular, but can't remember what it was. Anyway, the 'monsters' has cornish/Devon accents and scared the brown out of me, such that I never forgot the voices. On one international visit from the north of England to the south of England we went to Salisbury (lovely city) and met two old women talking about carrots and their veg they had just bought. I was expecting the clouds to darken, fangs come out of their mouth and crucify my with their freshly selected leeks. Luckily one lost her turnip and I made my escape rather quickly. I still think of that film every time I hear that accent.

Yeah, the southeners don't talk funny!  ;)

Did you know, when they decided to standardise English, they chose a dialect from the south (west of London), because language had grown more cultivated, through introduction of latin, French, Spanish and other words. Up north, we were still speaking a type of East Frisian English with basic internation words. There's still a strong indication of the old language, I still occasionally use thee, thy and thou. In fact, I had a business meeting once in Hull, the whole meeting was done in thee, thy, and thou.
An example: How's thee? espanded; How is thee? (for the Foreigners out there, this is the Du version, French; Tu, Flemish; je, Russian; Tbi).

Oops, this is a crap jokes page. I'll stop...

Jakey
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on February 26, 2010, 12:16:16 PM
Oops, this is a crap jokes page. I'll stop...

"Ah...  Proper job, me 'ansome.  You do sound right mazed."

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on February 27, 2010, 04:05:51 AM
Well Ah'll be buggered. As thez truble at mill, therall atit. Time t' take me ferrets owt.  ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on February 27, 2010, 10:35:23 PM
Quote
When I was a kid, I had watched a few English made horror movies, must have been one in particular, but can't remember what it was. Anyway, the 'monsters' has cornish/Devon accents and scared the brown out of me,
You probably pissed them off by using "Cornish/Devon"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on February 28, 2010, 01:40:40 AM
You probably pissed them off by using "Cornish/Devon"

Heh, probably  ;D
But what do you call those kind of people who live right down there, over yon end, where's they've got beaches, clotted cream, tractors and the end of the world (that's where we're told land ends there!).  :o

Seriously, they're lovely people.  :)

Jakey
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on February 28, 2010, 01:47:22 AM
Those are Cornish folk, I'm from one of Cornwall's commonest families. Cornwall isn't even in England, it's a separate country.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on March 04, 2010, 11:48:31 AM
Niether's the north of England to most southeners!

Jakey
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 07, 2010, 12:33:41 PM
There was a little boy standing in the bathroom of a store. Watching an
older man pee in a urinal, the little boy said, "My daddy has two of those."

The man asked, "Your daddy has two penises?"

The little boy replied, "Yes. He has a small one for peeing and a big
one he chases Momma around the house with."

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 07, 2010, 12:40:00 PM
And here's a truly crap joke.

A picture a friend sent me, with the caption, "Here's some colourful crap I saw earlier today."

I wonder what people thought when they saw her setting up this photograph ;-)

Left click on image if you feel the need to enlarge.

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on March 10, 2010, 03:14:08 PM
So did she sprinkle the sprinkles herself or did the dog like get a job and buy an icecream cone with lots of sprinkles.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 10, 2010, 05:10:08 PM
I believe someone else did it and she was amused enough to go back indoors and get her camera.

There was an old boy living near us who got fed up with dogs fouling the footpath near the local shops.  His protest at this was to draw a yellow chalk circle around the turds and write 'SHIT!' just above the circle.

Having a strange sense of humour I drew some empty circles one evening and wrote 'No Shit?'

A couple of days later, I saw young lad, no more than twelve, with a Jack Russell pinned between his legs, trying to make it crap into one of the empty circles.

People are strange.

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 20, 2010, 08:09:28 PM
Two V-pills walk into a bar and sit next to two Marijuana
plants.The marijuana plants are lamenting about being illegal.

The V-pills scofff at them. One Marijuana plant turns to the
V-pills and asks, "Don't you think we should be legal?"

"No," said the V-pills, "We are hard on drugs."

=====
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 25, 2010, 07:57:42 AM
      "If you can keep your head whilst all about you,
      are losing theirs and blaming it on you...
      Yours is the world and everything that's in it.
      Plus you're The Executioner, Old Son."

      R. Kipling (with a little adjustment from Gyppo)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on March 25, 2010, 07:59:56 PM
        Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product.
            (Anon)

       [A computer is] like the Old Testament God, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
        (Joseph Campbell)

        Not only does the English Language borrow words from other languages, it sometimes chases them down dark alleys, hits them over the head, and goes through their pockets.
        (Eddy Peters)

        **Gyppo Comment**  Obviously American words are easy prey...  I wish some of them would put up a more spirited resistance to being absorbed into 'proper' English.

        Unix is user friendly.  It's just selective about who the friends are.
        (Anon)

        If builders built buildings the way that programmers write programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
        (Reede Stockton)

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 26, 2010, 05:07:13 PM
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:


'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.

Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from  LondonHeathrow to  Toronto . 

The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. 

So sit back,relax  and......OH, MY GOD !'     

Silence  followed!

Some  moments later the captain came back on the intercom.


'Ladies and  gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . 

While I  was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. 

You should see the front of my pants!' 

One Irish passenger yelled... 'For f**k's sake ... you should see the BACK of mine!!!' 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 26, 2010, 05:10:55 PM
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

metal,

wood,

stone,

Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and t he prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,

'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!


The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

(Scroll down for the answer)


V

V







M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 29, 2010, 04:12:10 AM
INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? ' The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 29, 2010, 04:20:11 AM
An old nun

who was living in a convent next to a construction site

noticed the coarse language of the workers

and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch,

sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag

and

walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:

"and do you men know Jesus Christ?"

 They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down

'why'?

The worker yelled back,
 

"Cos his sheila’s here with his lunch"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 30, 2010, 06:48:03 PM
(http://i470.photobucket.com/albums/rr61/firefly254/Snore.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 31, 2010, 05:17:52 AM
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and

HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a  mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on March 31, 2010, 05:44:53 AM
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when making pies and she hollers out, "Bluey-Me-Lad you need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Bluey-Me-Lad replies,"There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is,now git out there and fix it."

So Bluey-Me-Lad mosies out to the outhouse,looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Bluey-Me-Lad yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Bluey-Me-Lad sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Bluey-Me-Lad proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 01, 2010, 07:07:28 PM
Stray Cat
 One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.  She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible,  skinny, and hair all matted down.
 
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.  We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
 
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so he said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
 
My husband (the complainer) said, “OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.”  He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not  him.
 
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
 
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O’. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
 
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet..
 
The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.  A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
 
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, ”Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.  God only knows who the father is!”   Then he closed the door.
 
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on April 01, 2010, 10:03:55 PM
FF, your joke came just at the right time . . . I needed a good laugh and you supplied it - in triplicate.   ;D    ;D    ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 02, 2010, 06:46:52 AM
 ;D ;D

Glad to be of service Alice.   :-*
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: cswillson on April 02, 2010, 02:00:47 PM
A young American business man is sent to Japan to meet with his counterparts at the home office.

The first night, after having been saki'd and sushi'd, he picks up a young prostitute to end the evening with.

As he begins his serious bump and tickle she begins screaming "Nagachi oi, nagachi oi!" He makes a point of remembering her wild cry.

The next day he and the Japanese CEO are playing golf. The CEO tees off and makes a hole in one.

The American, remembering the effect he had on the woman the night before, says, "Nagachi oi, nagachi oi!"

The CEO turns to him and says, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on April 02, 2010, 05:00:09 PM
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."  His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: ellie on April 02, 2010, 05:28:45 PM
question: Whats a rabbit with fleas?
answer:   Bugs Bunny?

 ::) :-[
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on April 09, 2010, 09:24:44 AM
just read this one.............now that really is awful
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on April 09, 2010, 09:30:04 AM
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.

"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman.

"So we obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot.

"My son was born on St.Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."

"That's incredible, what a coincidence!" said the Irishman.

"Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on April 18, 2010, 12:47:01 PM
My Mom once went into my school and asked the teacher

"What do you think he'll be when he leaves school ?"

"About 48," replied the teacher.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: McWawa on April 18, 2010, 01:11:15 PM
Dad asked me, "what do you want to be when you grow up ?"
"Like you Dad, " I replied.
" Oh , that's great son.You want to be an engineer ?"
"No Dad, I want to make out with her next door when Mom's out at the shops"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 24, 2010, 09:52:30 PM
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.  Sometimes the bull wins.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jjrrss10 on April 25, 2010, 08:50:20 PM
Q: How many feet are in a yard

A: It depends on how many people are standing in it!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on April 26, 2010, 04:01:36 AM
Found on the net.  No idea who wrote it. but their spelling of theatre suggests an American.

=====

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer
remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theater
where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only
one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must
hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose,
sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of
my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing
his line over and over again. Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great
passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and
the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

He asked. "No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody
rose!"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on April 26, 2010, 04:46:53 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D

Another screen splatterer, thanks a lot Gyp.  ;)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Andrewf on April 26, 2010, 05:18:51 AM
You should know by now, to not drink while reading this thread  :D :D >:D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on May 02, 2010, 01:06:54 PM
A female friend - not a blonde - just sent me this...

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.
A blonde came in and asked for a seven hundred & ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked,
'What's a seven hundred & ten?'
 
'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine,
I've lost it and need a new one.'

She explained she didn't know exactly what it was,
but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and
asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up
and asked 'Is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is look below!

Gyppo

 
 
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on May 07, 2010, 09:15:39 AM
skinny white man gets into a lift and looks at huge blackman who says "before you ask 7ft tall, 350lbs, 20 inch dick and my balls weigh 3lb each the names Turner Brown. White guy faints, when he comes to he asks the black man to say that again.black man repeats his stats and says "my name is Turner Brown. "oh thank god for that I thought you said TURN AROUND.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on May 07, 2010, 09:41:41 AM
'Following the untimely demise of the Icelandic bank last year, and in accordance with its last wishes, its ashes have been scattered all over Europe.'

Told to me by the Icelandic lass just up the road.  (I believe she got it from the BBC.)

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Nightshade_wolf on May 08, 2010, 12:35:59 PM
(from the bbc)

Dear Iceland, we said send CASH
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on May 08, 2010, 12:39:27 PM
As Eyjafjallajokull erupts over Fimmvörduháls, spare a thought for dyslexics everywhere wishing it had been Etna.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Nightshade_wolf on May 08, 2010, 01:00:43 PM
Question: Why are dogs like short-sighted gynecologists?

Answer: They both have wet noses.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on May 08, 2010, 01:41:08 PM
       A flight instructor was sent out to help a trainee who had radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few miles from the base.  The instructor spotted the plane standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge to his professional reputation.  With determination, full flaps and engine just above stall speed, he manoeuvred into the field. 

       Climbing out, he shouted angrily to the trainee, "Just how did you manage to get into such a small field?"

       "I landed in the big field over there," the trainee pointed, "but in order to leave room for you, I had the farmer tow me across the road to here."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 09, 2010, 01:23:03 AM
"WHERE  is my SUNDAY paper?" The irate customer calling the newspaper
office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed
by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,

"Well f*#k me ... that's why no one was at church today"...
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 09, 2010, 08:02:05 AM
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
 
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
 
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
 
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
 
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
 
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
 
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
 
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
 
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
 
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
 
Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 10, 2010, 01:09:02 AM
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Hugh on May 13, 2010, 06:47:51 AM
We've all heard about people having 'guts' or 'balls'.
But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say:
"You're next."


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome:
Both ultimately result in a condition you'd rather not have..
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Dvicious on May 13, 2010, 08:16:49 AM
Why did Santa stop going down chimneys?




Because last time he suffered a hearth attack.


Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: juliagulia21 on May 19, 2010, 03:04:59 PM
How long does it take for a mosquito with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle?
That's impossible, mosquito's can't have wooden legs....
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 23, 2010, 08:02:09 AM
This game will drive you nuts.  ::)

http://thedogpaddler.com/RandomUploads/Ball/ball.htm (http://thedogpaddler.com/RandomUploads/Ball/ball.htm)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Alice, a Country Gal on May 23, 2010, 10:27:12 AM
This game will drive you nuts.  ::)

http://thedogpaddler.com/RandomUploads/Ball/ball.htm (http://thedogpaddler.com/RandomUploads/Ball/ball.htm)

It took a bit of doing, but I went through 6 colors before stopping.  ;)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on May 23, 2010, 02:26:37 PM
I can't get passed three colours and that took ten minutes!

I've given up for now and have inflicted, er, sent it to others to try...
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jjrrss10 on May 24, 2010, 04:10:36 PM
Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

A: The lightbulb can be unscrewed

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 25, 2010, 07:04:35 AM
In the nursing home one evening, the old man looked over and said to the old lady,
"I know just what you're wanting.

For $5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to
my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still said nothing, but after a couple minutes, she started digging down in her purse.
She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," said the old man.

"Get serious," she replied. "Four Times in the rocking chair."

 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on May 25, 2010, 05:09:45 PM
Little Johnny's sitting at the roadside playing. His mom
looks out of the window to see him eating a couple of
M&Ms, licking the family cat and then standing up, taking
a couple of steps to the left and sitting down again.

Shocked, she goes out to see what he is up to. By the
time she gets to him, he's done the same set of actions
another four times.

"Johnny", she cries, "What are you up to?"

"I'm pretending to be a Hell's Angel," Little Johnny
replied. "You know...  Poppin' pills, lickin' pussy and
movin' on."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 26, 2010, 04:14:24 AM
Heres another to drive you nutty.   ;D

http://www.members.shaw.ca/gf3/circle-the-cat.html (http://www.members.shaw.ca/gf3/circle-the-cat.html)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Andrewf on May 26, 2010, 04:49:38 AM
Heres another to drive you nutty.   ;D

http://www.members.shaw.ca/gf3/circle-the-cat.html (http://www.members.shaw.ca/gf3/circle-the-cat.html)

Gaaaahhhhgggg    That's EVIL!!!  :o :o :o
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 26, 2010, 05:19:02 AM
Why thank you sir, you have fun at work now won't you.  ;)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Andrewf on May 26, 2010, 05:48:24 AM

 :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jjrrss10 on May 26, 2010, 06:37:21 PM
Ha! I solved firefly's challenge on the second try  ;D

Anyone want me to give them a hint?
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 26, 2010, 06:48:08 PM
My first go I conquered by doing the outside first but only succeeded a few times since then. Whats your hint mate?  :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jjrrss10 on May 26, 2010, 06:51:34 PM
The outside, but it doesn't work all the time. It all depends on which circles are already filled in.  ;)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 26, 2010, 06:53:43 PM
Aha, great minds think alike.  :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 26, 2010, 06:54:44 PM
Did you try the one on page 59?  ;)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on May 26, 2010, 07:05:45 PM
A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of
begging. Finally, the policeman says: "O.k. I'll ask you a
question.

If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!"

"Go ahead!", answers the speeder.

"You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you.
What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a car!"

"Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it
a VW?", replies the policeman, and proceeds to write the ticket.

"Wait! Give me another chance!", begs the guy.

"Ok. But, this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get
the ticket!"

"Fair enough".
"You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What
is it?"

"That's easy! It's a bike!"

"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? Is it a Suzuki? Is
it a Harley Davidson? Sorry, you're getting the ticket!"

"Yeah, ok.. but let me ask you a question too!"

"Go ahead", answers the policeman.

"You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining
with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.

"Oh, that's a hooker!" replies the policeman.

"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your
sister? Is it your daughter?"
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on May 27, 2010, 03:45:30 PM
7th attempt!

That was a bugger of a problem to solve!

Jakey
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 28, 2010, 02:30:15 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 28, 2010, 07:29:01 AM
De-stress with my little bears.   ;D

http://www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier (http://www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jjrrss10 on May 28, 2010, 07:44:24 AM
Is the point to try to knock them all down or is there a point? Either way I love it! :)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 28, 2010, 08:43:08 AM
 ;D ;D

No point as far as I know mate.  ;)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Jakey on May 28, 2010, 09:05:35 AM
Drag your mouse cursor over the bottom from row of ted's from left to right and they dance!

Jakey
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on May 28, 2010, 09:42:03 AM
Just rest the cursor on the top bear,and leave it in his space after he falls, and the poor little bugger will pogo up and down for hours ;-)

I had the speakers off and have only just realised they make a popping noise like the bubblewrap game ;=)

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 28, 2010, 04:18:14 PM
 ;D ;D

The things that can keep us smiling guys.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Vienna on May 29, 2010, 04:31:19 AM
i felt really bad about breaking up with my girlfriend

so i killed her instead
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 29, 2010, 09:01:37 AM
The devil made me do this.  ;D

http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/af_test.html (http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/af_test.html)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on May 29, 2010, 10:38:13 AM
Rubbish...  You are The Devil ;-)

(It must be a real 'conflict of interest' when you are summoned to put out fires.)

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 29, 2010, 05:48:09 PM
 :D :D :D

Keept you amused then mate?  ;)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jjrrss10 on May 29, 2010, 07:01:09 PM
Great new challenge FF. :( ;D I've gotten 15.834 seconds.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 29, 2010, 07:35:59 PM
 :D :D

I ususally get to about .08   ::)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 30, 2010, 08:15:01 AM
People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation..
 
 - The Baby Boomers, are people born between 1946 and 1959.
 
 - Generation X, people have been born between 1960 and 1979.

 - Generation Y, are the people born between 1980 and 2009 
 
 Why do we call the last group Generation Y?
   
 I never did know, but recently a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...
 Learned something new today!
 


(http://img132.imageshack.us/img132/1508/genniey.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on May 30, 2010, 08:31:12 AM
Nice cartoon ;-).

But the statistics show a disturbing trend.  Why is each generation lasting longer?

Baby Boomers: 1946-1959 = a generation of only 13 years.

Gen X:  1960 - 1979 = a generation covering some 19 years.

Gen Y:  1980 - 2009 = really stretching things out now to 29 years.

At this rate of extension there's a good chance - statistically - that I'll be dead before the current crop of hooligans making up Gen Z gets replaced with the Gen AA,  Gen A1, New A,  or whatever someone with nothing better to do decides to call it.

Not that this will be bother me if I've already shuffled off to the great writing room in the sky.  It just seems bizarre, that's all.

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on May 30, 2010, 08:37:19 AM
Never noticed that mate, and depends who writes it, which years belong to each gennie as well.  :)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on May 30, 2010, 08:52:44 AM
In that case I'll just simplify it all.

My generation - naturally enough - are the best, and once we've shuffled off my daughter's generation will be the best.  After that...  it's up to them.

Sorted ;-)

Gyppo
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 01, 2010, 05:58:27 PM
A teenage boy had  just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.   

 

His father said he'd  make a deal with his son:  'You bring your grades up
from a C to  a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
then we'll talk about the car.'   
 

The boy thought about  that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed  on it.   
 

After about  six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades
up  and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
 

The boy said, 'You  know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my  studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist  had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even  strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
 
To this his father  replied, 'Did you also notice they walked everywhere
they went?'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: WordBird on June 01, 2010, 06:02:36 PM
FF, this literally made me laugh out loud. Great one!!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on June 01, 2010, 08:23:08 PM
This game will drive you nuts.  ::)

http://thedogpaddler.com/RandomUploads/Ball/ball.htm (http://thedogpaddler.com/RandomUploads/Ball/ball.htm)
That's so easy.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on June 01, 2010, 08:31:45 PM
Nice cartoon ;-).

But the statistics show a disturbing trend.  Why is each generation lasting longer?

Baby Boomers: 1946-1959 = a generation of only 13 years.

Gen X:  1960 - 1979 = a generation covering some 19 years.

Gen Y:  1980 - 2009 = really stretching things out now to 29 years.

At this rate of extension there's a good chance - statistically - that I'll be dead before the current crop of hooligans making up Gen Z gets replaced with the Gen AA,  Gen A1, New A,  or whatever someone with nothing better to do decides to call it.

Not that this will be bother me if I've already shuffled off to the great writing room in the sky.  It just seems bizarre, that's all.

Gyppo

They'll redefine the limits of Gen Y later on.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 02, 2010, 04:30:47 AM
FF, this literally made me laugh out loud. Great one!!

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 02, 2010, 04:52:25 AM
Right click to enlarge. 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 02, 2010, 05:00:11 AM
Riddle of the Day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
Answer below! (this is pretty good )

 
***************************





The answer is: 'A Last Name.'
You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?

(http://img197.imageshack.us/img197/1511/cheeks.gif)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 02, 2010, 06:23:15 AM
A young woman married and had 13 children.
Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally croaked.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to
the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman
who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."

In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to his neighbour, one mourner asked...
"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs." 

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 03, 2010, 06:12:15 PM
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:.....


"Didn't feel a thing."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jjrrss10 on June 03, 2010, 08:36:23 PM
A bloke goes into a supermarket and buys:

- One tin of beans.
- One bag of crisps.
- One pack of burgers.
- One tub of ice-cream.
- One cake.
- One yoghurt.
- One pint of milk.

He takes them over to the checkout and the girl looks at what he has
bought and asks if he is single.

The bloke says sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess?"

The girl replies, "You're an ugly bastard."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on June 03, 2010, 08:52:26 PM
A man driving a Rolls Royce picks up a hitch hiker, a simple country lad who seems quite bewildered and mesmerised by the level of luxury inside the car.  With such a receptive audience the driver waxes eloquent about the power steering, the push-button gear change, the electric windows, etc.  After a few minutes the  passengers foot rubs against something on the floor and he picks up a wooden golf tee.  Having never seen one before he studies it for a while and then asks what it is.

"Oh that," the driver says casually.  "It's just something to rest your balls on whilst driving."

"Bloody hell.  Rolls Royce think of everything, don't they?"

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 03, 2010, 09:09:13 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 05, 2010, 02:28:43 AM
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.  

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm,

and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 06, 2010, 08:58:29 AM
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets
full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it)
blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
           
Finally, after many such glances from her, he
said, 'It's golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look athim for a very long time
deeply thinking about what he had said.
           
After several minutes, not being able to contain
her curiosity any longer, she asked;
           
'Does it hurt as  much as tennis elbow?'
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 07, 2010, 08:09:06 AM
(http://img15.imageshack.us/img15/2007/toilete.jpg)
(http://img412.imageshack.us/img412/5144/tbrush.jpg)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 07, 2010, 08:57:41 AM
I am way to untechie to know how they do this one.

ANDREW!!!   ;D ;D

http://www.regiftable.com/regiftingrobinpopup.html (http://www.regiftable.com/regiftingrobinpopup.html)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Andrewf on June 07, 2010, 02:56:30 PM
Yup, i know FF...  but do you want me to explain it??   :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 07, 2010, 06:18:22 PM
PM Andrew, PM, I won't sound half as blonde that way. :P
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 08, 2010, 07:32:34 AM
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment..

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 08, 2010, 07:39:30 AM
(http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/4314/golfk.gif)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: debbimcbride on June 08, 2010, 01:59:52 PM
I don't know if someone has posted this already...there are so many pages to go through...so I am going to chance it and post it. I don't know anyone who can read this without laughing till they cry. Here it is.

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers..
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA.. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the
beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili...
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally.. Can't feel my lips anymore.. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
judge number 3... He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report



Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: jjrrss10 on June 08, 2010, 07:42:30 PM
Deb, that had me in absolute stitches! I emailed it to all my friends!
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on June 08, 2010, 10:25:05 PM
I am way to untechie to know how they do this one.

ANDREW!!!   ;D ;D

http://www.regiftable.com/regiftingrobinpopup.html (http://www.regiftable.com/regiftingrobinpopup.html)
I know how it works too, just so you know that I know.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: fire-fly on June 08, 2010, 10:42:38 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

All these brainy people mate, Andrew explained it in little words for me.  ;)
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: thatollie on June 08, 2010, 10:44:07 PM
It's just a case of noticing how it works, there's really nothing to deduce.
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: CarrieSheppard on June 09, 2010, 04:30:08 PM
Man leans on a fence, overlooking an orchard.

He notices a man in the field with a pig. The man lifts the pig to a tree, the pig grabs an apple.

He puts the pig down, it eats the apple.

He moves to the next tree, calls the pig.  It comes trotting up to him.  He lifts it up to the tree, it grabs an apple.

He puts the pig down, it eats the apple, and he moves on to the next tree.

"Excuse me" says the observer.

"Isn't that a very time consuming way to feed a pig?"

"ahh..." says the farmer.

"Time means nothing to a pig."
Title: Re: The Crap Joke Thread
Post by: Gyppo on June 11, 2010, 01:57:55 PM
Two for you:

Being disturbed by a medical report which suggests the average penis length in Britain is declining, due to all the oestrogen from female contraceptives working its way into the drinking water, The Prime Minister David Cameron has come up with a quick fix solution for discovering the extent of the problem.

he has requested that for the next few weeks anyone with a penis of less than three and a half inches has been asked to fly a red and white flag from his car or house windows.  Multiple flags can be used to indicate a penis of less than one inch.  Flags bigger than a bedsheet are optional, but can be used to demonstrate a commensurate decrease in testicular size also.

=====

Q:  Why do some drivers have an England flag on both sides of their car?

A:  Because by the time the dumb-arse Chav reaches the driver&#