My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: Jmynomial on August 12, 2021, 07:54:54 PM

Title: The Ruiner; Maybe more a song... But could still use feedback
Post by: Jmynomial on August 12, 2021, 07:54:54 PM

We started in the fall. I didn’t want to fall in love
We had stolen kiss behind the stairs; A secret and phone call

You knew it way before I could even think the words
And now I know that you were right-But I did not want to get hurt

So I built fences around the wounds I helped inflict.
But you saw through me and you cut me to the quick.

But I didn’t trust your words...
I didn’t trust my heart my heart...
It’s lied to me before; So I damaged things right from the start

Maybe i’m a ruiner

I wanna do better.
I want to fix what I shattered.
Cause now I feel so small.
When you are all that ever mattered.

You suffered my burdens, You carried my sins
I wish that I had realized that if I had only let you in...

So my walls grew higher as I pushed you away.
The wounds got deeper while I hurt you in every way.

Maybe I’m a ruiner.

And I know I’m broken. And I know you see
But I can be better, I am still the girl I used to be

Im ready to heal now-To clean up the mess I made
But I can’t promise, That there won’t be more mistakes I’ll make.

I hope you trust these words.
I hope you know I want a new start.
And hear me when I say You have my whole entire heart

Title: Re: The Ruiner; Maybe more a song... But could still use feedback
Post by: Christian Auvray on October 21, 2021, 11:26:35 AM

Indeed very musical, but a poem too, for sure. I thunk that the story is cohesive, well structured and that the reader/listener is able to join the suffering, the story and getting to know the lyric voice was quite easy, which is a good thing when it comes to holding the audience interest and curiosity. The title is very appropriate for either a song or a poem, but what about "The ruiner and the [other person]"?