My Writers Circle

Workshop => Review My Work => Topic started by: DMLANGEL1101 on June 06, 2021, 04:18:11 PM

Title: MY NEW SCIENCE FICTION NOVEL- Slingshot, Chapter 1 - Signs
Post by: DMLANGEL1101 on June 06, 2021, 04:18:11 PM
   "Don't break a bird's wings and tell it to fly." Najua Zebian

   Early one morning, I sit at my table. I sip my coffee, as through the window crevices, the wind whispers in my ear. A strange formation of lights in the sky flies overhead and the house lights flicker several times.  Then I hear a crackle that shakes the whole house as a sudden windstorm kicks up. Confused, by the sudden storm, I stare out my window, just as purple daggers of lightning, explode into dark clouds, and rain pours over the treetops bending them over like old men on a fishing trip. Roofs are torn off buildings. 
    Shaking with the cold, I look up high above the twisted trees and see a flight of blackbirds circling overhead.  Their wings frantically flap as they circle high above dead animal corpses. One of them swoops down, nearly hit by a passing car.  Never a good sign.  As I stare at these circling dark harbingers.  I am mesmerized by the sight. It sets my nerves to twitching. I lay back down, exhausted, I close my eyes, but I am still shaking.  Then, I wipe the sleep from my eyes, and suddenly my ears catch some unexpected sound, a murmuring voice against the car sounds.  It appears to whisper, "don't kill.", I try to pretend I didn't really hear it, but my eyes take note of several moving shadows between the trees.
   My muddled brain tries to figure out the next sound, a bullet being loaded into a pistol.  Having fired a weapon myself with Gramps on numerous occasions, immediately I recognize that sound I know all too well, from my days on the front lines of the video game wars, most on foreign soil and my eyes begin to twitch.

(Continued)
Title: Re: MY NEW SCIENCE FICTION NOVEL- Slingshot, Chapter 1 - Signs
Post by: megalai on June 10, 2021, 02:39:20 AM
The whole thing is very intriguing, and it leaves me wanting to know more.Good work ;D
Title: Re: MY NEW SCIENCE FICTION NOVEL- Slingshot, Chapter 1 - Signs
Post by: WannaWrite on June 20, 2021, 11:00:20 AM
Definitly intriguing and I want to read more.
Keep an eye our for punctuation and wordiness. There is some of both and it makes it annoying to read.
Title: Re: MY NEW SCIENCE FICTION NOVEL- Slingshot, Chapter 1 - Signs
Post by: Nether on June 29, 2021, 03:09:00 PM
Few things:

First, it would greatly help if you posted a longer writing sample. What you're showing isn't enough to get a good feel for the story. It's hard to give any meaningful feedback on three paragraphs.

Second, the sample doesn't look like it's at the point where you should be trying to get a critique. There are a lot of issues that you likely should have flagged yourself upon re-reading your work.

Third, you have a guy who talks about drinking coffee at a table then just lying back down (which is a little discombobulating -- I have no sense of place) while "roofs are being torn off buildings." Unless he's hiding in his basement, that seems like an incongruent response. I imagine it can't be literal, but the verbiage makes it sound like it's the end of the world.

Fourth, if you have a violent storm, you're not likely to just have birds flying around. Birds -- particularly smaller ones -- have difficulty flying under those conditions.

In general, I just don't feel like I have a sense of what's really going on in the scene. I have issues with the prose itself as well. The first sentence is a complete throwaway, then the second sentence is awkward. You probably could have combined the first three or four sentences into a striking visual. (I should also mention that you have your character describing what's happening in the sky *then* looking out the window. Having an explicit reference to looking outside a window when he's already seeing things outside happen outside the house makes me wonder if there's a hole in his roof.)