My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: mefisher on February 19, 2021, 08:52:37 PM

Title: Ecstasy at Table Seven (my first poem on here)
Post by: mefisher on February 19, 2021, 08:52:37 PM
Hello everyone!! This is my first time posting my work on here and I'd love some honest feedback on it. I know the rhyme scheme/meter is a bit wonky, so if you have better suggestions please please please let me know! I give you full permission to tell me it's straight garbage if that's how you feel. Thank you!


Ecstasy at Table Seven


The neon beams piercing.
The fruity fumes puncture.

There’s not one but two
and ask myself “who are you?”

Head thrown back to ninety,
salt imbedded every crease.

Glitter descends the head,
strangers asking me to wed.

The rhapsody of noise,
vibrations quicken my feet.

Transporting me into heaven,
aura pulled straight from table seven.

Leave me in euphoria,
as my troubles slink away.

Where my paradise ain’t lost,
meanwhile my fingers stay crossed.

Chewing through wool,
my tongues’ all tacky.

Then Adam asked Eve,
what could possibly make them grieve?

Contagious frenzy all surrounds,
energy transferred from 7 days a week.

Exalted trance will set me free,
I wanted to believe, you see

The speak comes easy,
the dance stays flow.

Do not ever leave me here.
Please never let me go.

The lotus eater seduces,
and the serpent slithers.

Oh, sweet holy fruit of passion,
why do I have to ration?

The bad beats the good,
and I’m crawling back.

The sun beats the gun,
and time stops for no one.

Moans and groans freshen the music,
sticky floor unemptied.

Oh, sweet table seven you never fail me.
My own sacred tree you’ll always be.
Title: Re: Ecstasy at Table Seven (my first poem on here)
Post by: Royal Thorn 78 on February 21, 2021, 12:51:35 PM

It is usually best to post a poem without prelude or explanation -- that will inevitably color the reception of the poem by the reader.  But since you did, then no, this is not garbage.  Nor is it well-crafted finished poetry.  There is much to like -- the spirit, the celebration.  It is a draft that shows promise.

200 words, 40 lines, 20 couplets, half unrhymed.  The Narrator (N), imbibing in wine and MDMA, blows off steam at a familiar dance club, based at favorite Table Seven.  The lines suggest N. is female.  She likes to dance, flirt, and escape in the revelry of the evening.

The poem sets itself a difficult task with these short lines and two line stanzas.  Hard end-line rhymes are difficult to sustain, even with longer lines.  Here, the writer has elected to rhyme the even-numbered stanzas and leave the odd-numbered stanzas unrhymed.  To make a go of these self-imposed limits, strict meter and tight diction are essential.

Generally speaking, rhyme only works to a poem’s benefit when used in conjunction with strict meter.  Here the meter is not 'wonky' but rather ranging from intermittent to non-existent.  Additionally, the shortness of the lines, and the shortness of the stanzas are stifling opportunities for  a richer, more textured and nuanced  narrative. 

Parts of this move like an early Dylan psychic landscape song. But while the narrative intersperses original, evocative language there are the recurring lapses into cliche.  Again, it is hard to avoid this with such little working space within the form.

For what follows:  S. = stanza, L. = line, and N = Narrator.

S.1 – beams pierce and fumes puncture – with only 12 syllables in this stanza, it is tough to follow up these evocative phrases – puncture what?  The reader is left to speculate, which is sometimes okay.  It just seems like an opportunity lost.

S.2 L.2 – consider replacing “and” with “I”.  If you do that, you will then want to consider ending S.2 L.1 with an em-dash.

S3. L.2 – imbedded > imbeds ?  The surrounding stanzas are present tense.

S.4 L.1 – consider replacing “the” with a pronoun – it’s a chance to give your reader another clue about what you are narrating.

S.5 L.1 – “of” >> “in” – perhaps there is a rhapsody in noise, but noise itself is not rhapsodic.

S.6 L.1 – “Transporting me into heavan”   – pure cliche, and perhaps mistakenly driven by the impulse to the rhyme.

S.7 L2 – “slink” feels like the wrong word – fade or dissolve seem to strike a better note.

S.8 – ‘While’ instead of ‘where’, and something different for ‘meanwhile’, perhaps “you know my fingers. . . “ Just a thought.

S.9 & S.10 – I am lost as to the meaning, and fail to see how these advance your poem. Consider deleting both of them, or finding a clarifying revision.

S.11 – gorgeous.  Perhaps “energy exploding from seven day weeks”

S.13 – delightful word play!

S.15 – Symbolic speech which by tone and tenor is apart from the diction of the rest of the narrative, but still, relatable.

S. 17 & 18 – Cliche, feels like filler.

S. 19 & 20 – Real nice writing, expressive, fresh, emotive – these stanzas makes the poem.

Just my opinion -- you are of course free to agree or disagree. 



Title: Re: Ecstasy at Table Seven (my first poem on here)
Post by: Mark T on February 23, 2021, 04:29:33 PM

Golly, that has to be the best review/worst poem association I've ever seen.
Title: Re: Ecstasy at Table Seven (my first poem on here)
Post by: Royal Thorn 78 on February 23, 2021, 06:59:20 PM
Mark -- the intent is to assist other writers, not beat people over the head.  Gems must come from somewhere.

Cheers.

Roy
Title: Re: Ecstasy at Table Seven (my first poem on here)
Post by: Mark T on February 24, 2021, 03:32:12 PM

You are correct, of course. I am just struck by the contrast I describe. 
Title: Re: Ecstasy at Table Seven (my first poem on here)
Post by: crch on March 01, 2021, 05:45:09 PM

Ecstasy or Ecstasy?

Crazy happy or hallucinogens! Ha

I agree with much of Roy's assessment of your poem.
Particularly..."Parts of this move like an early Dylan psychic landscape song." Perfect

There are a lot of interesting dichotomies and imagery that I enjoyed. I did get lost when reading it.

My suggestion would be to let the theme (or purpose) snake through your poem.
 Keep the "psychedelic" aspect alive. It's cool.

I appreciate how much time Roy takes to assess the poetry on this forum? 
I find it to be a great exercise to play around with his ideas.  Thanks Roy!