My Writers Circle

Workshop => Review My Work => Topic started by: hwillette on January 27, 2021, 08:38:57 AM

Title: Rewrite with a Rhymn
Post by: hwillette on January 27, 2021, 08:38:57 AM
I am stuck!

Can anyone help me rewrite this so it rhymns with simple words?

The line is about a cat who is discouraged about loosing another soccer game. It's a children's book (4-6yrs old). I keep circling back to this part not happy with what I have. I need a fresh look on it and suggestions. Thanks!

Title: Re: Rewrite with a Rhymn
Post by: hwillette on January 27, 2021, 08:42:48 AM
Here it is...

"On Friday there was a soccer game.
Another loss was surely expected.
Only a minute left the scoreboard detected.

(Cat in uniform pouting with ball. Scoreboard behind him with only a few minutes left.

Not today.
Coach let him play.
Miles kicked the ball that saved the day."

Am I overthinking it? Does it sound ok?
Title: Re: Rewrite with a Rhymn
Post by: Miguel Flores on March 11, 2021, 12:39:00 PM
Hi, hwillette  :)
That's nice) What exactly don't you like? I love to write, too, but my wife used to proofread. And now she is very busy and I have to go to a special thesis service (https://www.thesiswritingservice.com/). I plan to show my fiction to my kids (I'm not a native English speaker, but I teach English). Their editors make my text perfect for a small fee. But a poem is not prose, it's very individual. I think it is good enough :) :) :)

Title: Re: Rewrite with a Rhymn
Post by: JTetstone on March 11, 2021, 03:21:23 PM
Here it is...

"On Friday there was a soccer game.
Another loss was surely expected.
Only a minute left the scoreboard detected.

(Cat in uniform pouting with ball. Scoreboard behind him with only a few minutes left.

Not today.
Coach let him play.
Miles kicked the ball that saved the day."

Am I overthinking it? Does it sound ok?

Hope this helps:

A soccer game on Friday.
Another loss expected.
A minute left
the scoreboard detected.

(Cat in uniform pouting with ball. Scoreboard behind him with only a few minutes left.

Not today,coach
let him play.
Miles kicked the ball
and saved the day."