My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: Mark T on December 03, 2020, 05:17:58 PM

Title: Slanted
Post by: Mark T on December 03, 2020, 05:17:58 PM

Hard reality rolled in on a tsunami
foaming with technology, hate
and crazy lies. In the surge,
a flood of skulls tumbled
tonk tonk goodbyes.

 
Title: Re: Slanted
Post by: Royal Kumari on December 05, 2020, 01:45:14 AM
Hard reality rolled in on a tsunami
foaming with technology, hate
and lies. In the surge,
a flood of skulls tumbled
tonk tonk goodbyes.


I omitted one word.
It's been a minute.
Hope all fares well.
Title: Re: Slanted
Post by: Mark T on December 18, 2020, 01:37:02 PM

Ah but it's a two-syllable word and to my ear the loss of two beats in that sentence creates a stumble... also I would have to change the title of my shaped piece  ;D ... but thanks, RK.

Title: Re: Slanted
Post by: delilah22 on January 21, 2021, 12:19:24 PM
I have no idea whether "tonk tonk goodbyes" is just used by the poet as a literary device for sound, or it is actually dank in a way!
God bless my naughty naughty mind.
Title: Re: Slanted
Post by: Mark T on January 21, 2021, 02:33:10 PM

It's meant for sound, the sound a whole lot of skulls would make rolling over together in the backwash of a giant wave drawing back into the sea. I would be interested to hear what the dank aspect you found represents. 
Title: Re: Slanted
Post by: crch on January 22, 2021, 05:14:29 PM
I heard the skulls... tonk, tonk.

The lies of technology do create a bit of noise.
Title: Re: Slanted
Post by: Mark T on January 25, 2021, 02:09:39 AM

Welcome to the ghost town of poetry. Thanks for looking, crch. Noise, indeed. 
Title: Re: Slanted
Post by: Royal Thorn 78 on February 19, 2021, 03:32:57 PM
Stunning writing.
Title: Re: Slanted
Post by: Mark T on February 23, 2021, 04:25:05 PM

Thanks for your kind comment, RT.
Title: Re: Slanted
Post by: Royal Thorn 78 on February 23, 2021, 07:25:45 PM
"Stunning" isn't necessarily positive.  But in this case it was meant to be.  8)