My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: dlp on November 20, 2020, 04:17:25 AM

Title: subterranean metaphor
Post by: dlp on November 20, 2020, 04:17:25 AM
 

Somnambulant visions persist,
despite a wakeful vigilance.

A splendid foolishness bursts forth.

The rich-red flowing fire of neglected and abandoned desire,
ignites the mind to far-flung spasms.

Primal monsters grunt and screech.

Vertical walls of wet stone echo from the abyss,
the drunken violence of a tortured soul.

Yet the cool liquids of aquamarine,
azure blue and malachite green
can slake the thirst and silence the scream.

Then put to rest the somnambulant dream
 


   
Title: Re: subterranean metaphor
Post by: Royal Kumari on December 05, 2020, 01:49:29 AM
Somnambulant visions persist,
despite wakeful vigilance.

A splendid foolishness bursts.

The rich-red flowing fire of abandoned desire,
ignites mind to far-flung spasms.

Primal monsters grunt and screech.

Vertical walls of wet stone echo from abyss,
drunken violence of a tortured soul.

Yet cool liquids of aquamarine,
azure blue and malachite green
can slake the thirst and silence the scream.

Then put to rest the somnambulant dream


Condensing some... I like the rhyming and the cadence of how it reads.
Title: Re: subterranean metaphor
Post by: crch on February 17, 2021, 05:15:58 PM
I was so thankful for the
"cool liquids of aquamarine,
azure blue and malachite green".

I really didn't know if he was going to make it!

This reminds me of a poem that I am working on now and I gave myself the same critique I that I'll submit to you.

The beginning of the poem flows with a strong, yet submissive tone.  I felt it.  The "cool liquids" revived me. I struggled with "Primal monsters grunt and screech".  It was a little intense for the rest of the poem. When you take it out, the message still stands and resonated with me.

Nice cadence. I can now "put to rest the somnambulant dream"!
 
Title: Re: subterranean metaphor
Post by: Royal Thorn 78 on February 19, 2021, 12:27:03 PM
Feels like you have something to say, but in my opinion, this is vastly over-written.  There seems to be no noun without accompanying melodramatically exultant modifiers.