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Workshop => Review My Work => Topic started by: PogLoser on October 14, 2020, 11:51:25 AM

Title: A Poisonous Dagger (working name prologue)
Post by: PogLoser on October 14, 2020, 11:51:25 AM
I'd like to know how to make this story readable and not dogshit so any criticism is accepted



Prologue
Nothingness clouded his every thought and his expressionless state bothered the already angry person in front of him, he heard nothing but white noise and he couldn’t repeat anything other than strange mumblings that could only be described as inhuman.
Everyone around was mumbling about these events.
“Hey, are you listening to me? I told you swords were way cooler than daggers you poppyhead, you didn’t need to start croaking.
An angry boy said, his face was red, and he was on the verge of tears.
Huh, sorry I couldn’t hear you over how wrong you…. As those words were coming out of Tim’s mouth he started to violently puke all around the beat down playground he was standing in, despite that this place was already on the verge of devastation so it didn’t make any difference if anyone puked, that would be in a perfect world, but this place was the gathering grounds of a gang called The Omegas who didn’t take kindly any modification to their established grounds.
“God Tim look at what you’ve done, this is at least 4 weeks of allowance gone thanks to you.” A redheaded boy said.
“Yeah, now my parents are going to have to go to the dark zone for at least 4 days.”
A thin boy angrily snorted.
“And all because of you.”
A fat kid punched the ground and wailed and screamed.
“Don’t worry, Toby is going to save us, he has always been willing to not do anything to us.” Tim optimistically said referring to one of the more powerful members of the organization, he was known for not damaging children and even help them if they were to get in trouble, for a strange type of fee.
“That’s because Tobias is a massive pedophile, you know, the dude likes smelling children’s feet for god’s sake.” A large boy, presumably in his teens clinically interjected with a smug smile on his face.
“You can’t say that they have the all-seeing eye of odhega, they have probably heard you right now.
Agitatedly the fat boy said, he was frantically shaking his arms and he looked as if he had seen a ghost.
The teen maniacally laughed, he pointed into a brutalist and colorless building.
“Yeah yeah whatever, years of their rule have affected you, kids. Understand that they will do nothing to you because if they did then….” He abruptly stopped as he fearfully looked at the man in front of him, he was tall, bulky, and paler than snow, he had no eyes which were replaced instead by a strange type of glass that was pitch black.
“Tob…. Tobias, what are you doing here?”  he stuttered.
“.... Did you just ask why I’m here after… Just… I’m here to kill you for slandering me.” Frowning Tobias sarcastically retorted to the teen with those harsh words.
“Slander? I merely said what was true you disgusting pig.” He spat in the floor.
This action made Tobias angry which forced him to move
“Me, a pig? You must be mistaking me with Adrien, he’s the one that lets his desires control him, I personally think that you should be glad that I’m here instead of him because I am a way better person than him if you think about it objectively, now if you’d just let me kill you then I will spare these children’s lives.”
As Tobias exclaimed out of nothing a flaming crimson ball appeared behind him, similar to a fireball, as the temperature around them rose up the frightened children started to run away, The despairing fat kid who couldn’t run long distances abruptly stopped and hid in a nearby dumpster, uncaring of the foul smell he got inside of it and tried to keep quiet.
The thin kid out of fear couldn’t even move his legs which made him recite a prayer.
The rest of the children scattered by the nearby woods, and while this was unfolding the teenager took something out from his pocket, he smiled as the small ancient device he held shined brightly. “Yeah about that, your big ball will do nothing against me for I have channeled the soul of an ancient spirit just to summon this powerful creature.” He exclaimed, as he said that an arm came out of the blinding light, it was bright green, it looked as if it was about to decay, it was massive, and with an eye in the middle of the palm, this monster was known as an incomplete orc.
“You brought such a low level fiend to combat me? Please you should have brought 10 of those to even stand a chance against me.” Tobias confidently said, afterwards 3 more balls which were of varying sizes appeared near him.
While all of this was happening, Tim ran through the crowded streets until he reached a small building which looked abandoned and bleak, although he was told to never enter abandoned buildings he thought of nothing about entering this unlit building.
The inside of the building was a ton of pillars which were already on the verge of destruction with carpets covering the window holes which were all empty or had broken windows in them, while exploring this building he heard something akin to someone moving nearby, he tried to ignore this but the dread he felt overwhelmed his sense of rationality, he was a child no less than 11 years after all it would be natural for him to feel like that.
The sound wasn’t stopping and it was getting louder, unable to take it any longer Tim took a turn to the left where there was nothing but a grey wall which was full of incoherent sentences and drawings of incomprehensible beings.
Tim presumably giving up on life fell to his knees and started to cry, while he was crying he ignored the person that had gotten close to him, his clothes looked rugged and dirty, despite that his skin looked flawless and clean, and despite him blending perfectly with the dark place they were in Tim could easily see him without a problem.
“Please don’t kill me” Tim said as he whimpered like a dog in the winter, he placed his hands near his vital parts and rolled up in a ball.
The man laughed at that statement.
“No I’m not going to kill you, I just heard somebody had entered my home and I wanted to see who it was.” He proclaimed in a familiar tone you heard when you talked to a friend.
Tim, easily swayed by his tone rose up, but although he tried to calm down he couldn’t shake the anxieties he was feeling.
“Sir this doesn’t look homely, how can you live here?” Tim asked trying to take his mind off the events he had just witnessed.
The man let out a small chuckle which sounded like if he had coughed
“I’m sorry that I don’t live in a mansion, some people can’t afford to even eat around here for god’s sake” Sarcastically he retorted Tim’s question which left him with a small sense of guilt that went away as soon as it came but that didn’t stop him from apologizing.
“It’s really not a big deal, I was actually trying to make you laugh, but I guess it wasn’t funny.” He apologetically said while trying to cheer him up.
“I forgot to ask, but… How and why did you get here, did your parents kick you out or something?” The man curiously asked Tim’s whereabouts.
He explained everything that had happened up until this day without skipping a detail.
“Those Omegas, huh? Will I be able to carry out my plan?” The man murmured to himself.


The building had gone silent, The man thinking about something occasionally grunted, while Tim watched him tough this cold atmosphere didn’t go away.
I didn’t want to say this but...” He gulped
“I think your friends might be….” He could not fathom to finish his words.
“Might be what?” Tim innocently asked the man.
“They… Probably… Died.” He choked as he was saying that.
Tim shocked by the news fell to his knees and started to cry.
“Don’t cry kid, you’ll be able to avenge them, I’ll make sure of that.” He smiled as he said that.
The man then went to the back of the monotonous building.
In there was a massive box colored red which had strange glyphs all over it, and it was enraptured with something resembling a lock which although ancient still looked like it could have come from the future.
The man opened the box and took out a dagger, its grip showed how old it was featuring carvings of strange creatures like snakes and the blade resembled a fang.
“You said that you liked daggers, so I will give this to you.” As he said that he gave the dagger to Tim who investigated it thoroughly, conflicted on if to accept it he gave the ancient dagger back to the man.
“Sorry sir I can’t do that because if I did then I’d be no better than them, not only that but I’d also desecrate my friends memories by using them as an excuse to enact my selfish desires upon those who have wronged me.” What Tim said impressed the man who broke into silence.
“You have such a way with words, huh? Let me reiterate.” He quickly regained his composure.
“What does reiterate mean?” Tim curiously asked.
“What I meant to say is that The Omegas are an evil organization which must be destroyed, not only have they killed your friends, but It’s likely that they’ll continue to kill more people, you have to understand that they need to be stopped at any cost, because that would be the correct thing to do, don’t think about it as a vengeance thing, but instead as a quest to get rid of evil! So I’m asking you once again will you take this dagger to vanquish them?” With fury in his eyes he exclaimed.
Moved by his words Tim accepted the proposal although with some doubts.
“But I don’t actually know how to properly use a dagger sir.” Tim sighed disappointed in himself.
“Neither do I.” He responded, Tim started to laugh, the man followed suit.
“Hey, what’s your name mister?” Tim curiously asked the man whose name he didn’t know.
“Oh yeah, my name is….”
Before he could hear anything, Tim woke up from this realistic nightmare.









Title: Re: A Poisonous Dagger (working name prologue)
Post by: David Allman on October 21, 2020, 04:28:26 PM
Your story is a little hard to read. It's a good story-line and the action is great, but you need to put your manuscript through an app to take care of the missing quotation marks, changes in POV and other grammar errors. You can download the "Grammarly" app (a freebee) and it should take care of those problems. Once those are cleared up, I think you have the start of a good book. Check it out, you'll love it once you start using it. I use another one called ProWritingAid, I had a small fee to pay but it does a LOT more of the detail work for you. Good Luck! Write On.