My Writers Circle

Workshop => Review My Work => Topic started by: Cari on September 14, 2020, 11:05:30 AM

Title: Poetry
Post by: Cari on September 14, 2020, 11:05:30 AM
Florentine Dreams.

I watch her cross the Ponte Vespucci
Eight o'clock by the bell towers chime
A moving vision against the sunset
Crush the cigarette, order the wine
~
Versace dress swings on rhythm thighs
The stepping beat of Prada shoes
Pulled these male approving eyes
Inviting lust, I seek to excuse
~
Lovers die in the flame of beauty
Florentine lady, bewitching, unkind
Laughing at my hopeful daydreams
Leaving me broken, trailing behind
[/i]
Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Akemp on September 16, 2020, 02:37:24 AM
Hello Cari,

So here's my first gut reaction to the piece, it's quite beautiful and lyrical as well. I particularly loved the romanticism of the entire piece. It really added to making the brief poem read at a smooth pace. I know ordinarily I'm suppose to offer some sort of critique to improve the poem, but I really don't have anything.

Overall, I think you have a wonderful poem. I hope this helps.
Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Idioume on September 17, 2020, 08:41:04 AM
This is good. It feels like vignettes put together of separate moments which makes a whole. The last line is powerful, but I am unsure of the overall feeling I am supposed to come out with, and what the poem seeks to capture exactly. What are the central themes and ideas, I mean. Perhaps I am missing something, do the words serve to capture the moments where the narrator feels good?