My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: Marie Meyers on April 23, 2020, 04:27:55 PM

Title: We Were Falling Apart
Post by: Marie Meyers on April 23, 2020, 04:27:55 PM
I've morphed into a caterpillar trapped in a cacoon;
face hidden with my arms and my legs,
breathing in this despairing reality
—a cry bubbles deep within; it overflows as silent tremors—

We have cracks in our foundation:
the paint chips and the walls of our home
are falling apart just like our relationship.

Every harsh, cruel word you spoke
merely mirrored my own musings;
the clink of the shot glass slamming against the table
 creates an echo of your billowing voice as I sit alone and weep.
Title: Re: We Were Falling Apart
Post by: ssilvs on July 22, 2020, 11:51:29 PM
i think you're letting your idea overpower your abilities as a writer. it's easy, especially with concepts like this, to lose track of the emotion behind the words in favor of the words themselves. go back over the poem & think more about what you're feeling and what you want the reader to feel–leave grandiose vocabulary behind for a second & i think you'll find that everything flows a little more smoothly :)