My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: dlp on September 02, 2019, 05:51:00 AM

Title: fermented visions
Post by: dlp on September 02, 2019, 05:51:00 AM
Deep!
Deeper than deep!
So the serpent moans.
Tortured by fermented visions, wrenched from the depths,
from the bowels and bunions of its sub-cortical animations.

Morbid.
Morbidly, my impecunious howls.
Bemoaning the sweet panther.

Animals!
Yes, animals! More animals!

Lest we forget.
Title: Re: fermented visions
Post by: JTetstone on September 02, 2019, 10:35:32 AM
dlp, this one lost me after "serpent moans"

"Tortured by fermented visions, wrenched from the depths,
from the bowels and bunions of its sub-cortical animations."

Mental states in moving shapes pretty well sums up what your
poem conveys to me.

If nothing else dlp your writings inspire in me the desire to gain a
better insight into what it is I'm reading about.

Just my thoughts.
Title: Re: fermented visions
Post by: dlp on September 02, 2019, 03:03:21 PM
thank you jt for not only reading but commenting on my poem.  I am glad my poem ignites a desire for you to gain a better insight into what it is your reading about.
Title: Re: fermented visions
Post by: JTetstone on September 02, 2019, 11:16:03 PM
You welcome dlp.
Title: Re: fermented visions
Post by: pbstud on September 15, 2019, 01:38:46 AM
Deep!
Deeper than deep!
So the serpent moans.
Tortured by fermented visions, wrenched from the depths,
from the bowels and bunions of its sub-cortical animations.

Morbid.
Morbidly, my impecunious howls.
Bemoaning the sweet panther.

Animals!
Yes, animals! More animals!

Lest we forget.

I really like the beginning. Strong alliteration and the "fermented visions" caught my attention. It's that 5th line that completely throws me out and instead of being drawn into the dream of your poem, I'm am shot out. And then it seems to end suddenly as if I am supposed to care about these animals. That "sub cortical animations" is difficult to comprehend and even care about. The strongest part of the poem that drew me end was about the fermented dream. The last bit about the animals could be a lot stronger but I've been taken out of the vision you are trying to create and also it ends too abruptly as if you expect the reader to know about these animals before you really tell us. Just trying to be helpful and I can see you have talent.
Title: Re: fermented visions
Post by: dlp on September 15, 2019, 04:32:14 PM
you are right this "poem" needs a lot more work in the meantime you might like this one

subterranean metaphor

Somnambulant visions persist,
despite a wakeful vigilance.

A splendid foolishness bursts forth.

The rich-red flowing fire of neglected and abandoned desire,
ignites the mind to far-flung spasms.

Primal monsters grunt and screech.

Vertical walls of wet stone echo from the abyss,
the drunken violence of a tortured soul.

Yet the cool liquids of aquamarine,
azure blue and malachite green
can slake the thirst and silence the scream.

Then put to rest the somnambulant dream