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Workshop => Review My Work => Topic started by: jirapon on August 18, 2019, 08:59:40 AM

Title: New story part 1
Post by: jirapon on August 18, 2019, 08:59:40 AM
On my 18th birthday, I want to go camping with some of my friends! Cindy Perrot had mulled over how to bring the message to her mother, slowly and with some form of diplomacy, or straight forward and direct. She wants to go alone without parents supervising what is going on. Not that anything will be going on, she does not have any plans. But you never know. So I decided to try the direct way and entered the living room with the statement.
 But how can you go out with your friends alone? You don´t even know how to set up a tent or make a fire and besides, your cooking skills are not that great either.  I want to see you cook a meal on an open fire, and then go to the fast food shop to eat! My mother obviously is completely against the idea of her young daughter going camping in the woods unsupervised. The fact that will legally be an adult tomorrow does not seem to change things.
Cindy feels very upset about that remark; her mother uses her weak points to keep her at home, safe and sound with mummy and daddy. So she puts her mother in place by mentioning the pizzas that she ordered for supper last night because she burned the meat.

After a very short time, the conversation goes into high gear, the two ladies using words that cannot be repeated here. Or can they? Mom is referring to the way Cindy looks when she makes a remark behind her teeth “And the big boobs help as well”.
Cindy is not deaf and hears exactly what her mother said. She reacts in a very angry way, At least I can walk around without a bra, she says,  and the two women are now screaming at each other.

Peter feels very uncomfortable, I am sure. But until now he has said nothing. He does not want to interfere in the relationship between mother and daughter.
But when the argument seems to get out of control he steps in. Mom's new husband, Cindy still feels a bit awkward calling Peter step dad, offers to go along to on the camping trip to chaperone the group of youngsters and make sure that they don't get up to anything. Cindy is completely mortified by the babysitter but reluctantly agrees to her mom’s terms. The speed of the argument gets slower and slower and the three then begin a new conversation, they still have to decide where to go. Peter gets all the maps and thing, and everything is set for the weekend away.
Cindy realizes she has to accept the compromise, and she sits down at the table next to Peter, to look at the maps. A space for the camper with all services, water, gas, and shopping, is not difficult to find. But Cindy says:” We need one with enough space for your camper, Peter, and for two or three additional tents. Also, it has to have a nice open space in the center, to make a campfire, sit around and tell stories. To find a place like that is a bit more complicated”.
Yes, Peter adds, it has to be not too far from the beach, but in the woods or near to the woods as well. Peter gets into the feeling very well, he seems to like the idea of going camping with three young girls on his trail. His ears get a little red when Cindy’s mother looks at him with raised eyebrows. Then he looks at Cindy and a big smile brightens up his face.
I know just the place, it will take a few hours to get there, but we can have a stopover on the way and it is almost for free, let me get on to the internet to arrange it.
The trip
When they leave the next Friday at five in the morning, Cindy is still not happy about her step dad's presence but is relieved that her mother didn't tag along as well. At least her step dad is cool and will not interfere too much while they have their fun. His camper helps as well, it is a small camper but it still has lots of space. Her friends can sit in their own seat at a small table in the back of the van. Cindy has the front seat for herself and gets to sit next to Peter.

The first part of the drive, getting out of the city both are quiet. The talking starts the moment Wendy gets into the camper.  Wendy is talking about classes and the past week in college until she gets her courage up and asks about why Peter is going along. And when they drive up to the house where Margaret lives, the three girls are so busy they nearly forget about Peter.

Meanwhile, Peter is looking around, driving the camper and enjoying the chatter of the three young women. They seem to have talked about what to wear on the first day. The very short shorts deserve the name hot pants, Peter muses. How does a teacher feel in front of a class full of young women like that? Then he remembers most of the girls will wear skirts or jeans to school, a teacher would not see the long legs.
The creme colored halter tops make an artful drawing of the breasts of the two in the back. They must be wearing some kind of invisible bras, I cannot see them at all, he thinks. The
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Title: Re: New story part 1
Post by: aliciakay on August 29, 2019, 12:50:11 AM
There is a lot of drama in this piece which helps keep it interesting.  You switch persons when writing, sometimes writing in third person ( Cindy this, or that) and sometimes writing in first person (I am sure) and this was confusing to me and interrupted the flow of the piece in my opinion.  I also thought it would be more effective if you show how the characters feel by describing their actions rather than telling us how they feel.  For instance, rather than saying someone was "uncomfortable", describe how they are acting so that we can see that they are uncomfortable rather than having to be told.