My Writers Circle

Workshop => Review My Work => Topic started by: Hurinz on July 27, 2019, 02:05:17 AM

Title: Divine Makaretu
Post by: Hurinz on July 27, 2019, 02:05:17 AM
A memory from my childhood in poetic form. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated as I found the writing process incredibly cathartic, and I would like to polish this piece. Happy to provide a broader context to the piece if that would be helpful.

A child of the river,
youth burst forth upon
bent gorse thorns,
stumbled o’er stones

Down muddy paths
to emerge clean,
through baptismal fires
of fresh snow melt

Dry shirt o’er head
torrents were forded.
Divine Makaretu alone
couldn’t sate the thirst

Instead of goat
a goose was slain.
Two goslings roamed that summer
upon my back lawn
Title: Re: Divine Makaretu
Post by: poetryman123 on August 05, 2019, 12:59:21 PM
Change o'er to over, don't use any archaic words my friend, it is frowned upon to other poets and writers. Also it was good piece, I have nothing else to say about it.
Title: Re: Divine Makaretu
Post by: Hurinz on August 15, 2019, 09:55:56 PM
Thank you for the feedback, much obliged. I’ll make sure to steer clear of archaisms in the future