My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: Wexforddellers on June 11, 2019, 04:53:50 PM

Title: A photograph of you
Post by: Wexforddellers on June 11, 2019, 04:53:50 PM
on a Saturday evening
beside the raised bonnet
of your red sports car,
that dirty shop rag
poking out of your pocket
and the obvious shape of a box of Carroll's.
The old monkey wrench is clutched close
to your chest with oil tracing the swirls of your smile-
some joke or other of your prowess with a pliers.
In the background is a rowan tree
with branches looming wide above your profile
like veins cast against the autumn sky
weighed down by red berries
that bleed the horizon.
Your kind are always cut down in their prime.
Title: Re: A photograph of you
Post by: heartsongjt on June 13, 2019, 10:28:33 PM
This poem draws a picture[with words] of love and loss. Well written.

The old monkey wrench is clutched close
to you chest with oil tracing the swirls of your smile-

It should read 'your'
Title: Re: A photograph of you
Post by: Wexforddellers on June 14, 2019, 09:35:27 AM
Thanks heartsongjt. I've fixed the typo now :)
Title: Re: A photograph of you
Post by: indar on June 14, 2019, 05:00:10 PM
Excellent writing. The choice of words--the anglo saxon of the working class ;) e.g.

dirty shop rag
poking out of your pocket


appropriate for the subject of a shade-tree mechanic (and yes, that is what we call them in the US)

Rhythm and sonics are spot on. The last line draws the reader into the loss without being maudeline.