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Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: indar on May 11, 2019, 01:01:29 PM

Title: Isle of Pines
Post by: indar on May 11, 2019, 01:01:29 PM
Isle of Pines

tips and sways
on lily pad tiled water:
green circles float
succulent centers
visited by nectar seekers
flyiing out from shore
dizzy with sugar and sun sparkles.

Emerald spires distant,
dark and cool against burning blue,
hot air balloons in pastels rising.



exercise: word picture written without the use of the word "the"


Title: Re: Isle of Pines
Post by: heartsongjt on May 11, 2019, 11:48:29 PM
Isle of Pines

tips and sways
on lily pad tiled water:
green circles float
succulent centers
visited by nectar seekers
flyiing out from shore
dizzy with sugar and sun sparkles.

Emerald spires distant,
dark and cool against burning blue,
hot air baloons in pastels rising.



exercise: word picture written without the use of the word "the"

Beautiful. But I do have a question. Why is Emerald the only word that begins with a capital letter?  :) Not counting title.
Title: Re: Isle of Pines
Post by: indar on May 12, 2019, 10:00:37 AM
Thank you Jan,

I used the title as the first part of the first sentence. Emerald is the first word of the second sentence.

Using the title that way isn't a common device but its not unheard of.
Title: Re: Isle of Pines
Post by: poetryman123 on May 12, 2019, 10:33:16 AM
Nice poem.
Title: Re: Isle of Pines
Post by: indar on May 12, 2019, 11:01:27 AM
Thank you
Title: Re: Isle of Pines
Post by: Mark T on May 12, 2019, 04:26:58 PM

Pretty imagery and uplifting. Nice ending. A note would be that if the title is part of the opening sentence, then the  sense would be that it is the isle of pines that is tipping and swaying on the water - unless this is a reflection but there is no further clue to that and the entire island would in any case not be visible. Picky, I know, and missing the intent of the piece.   
Title: Re: Isle of Pines
Post by: indar on May 12, 2019, 04:38:32 PM
Hey Mark,

That same point was raised elsewhere and you know what they say about the second time you are told you have grown a tail----

My intention was to portray a very subjective illusion of the island being the unstable element between it and the tilt and sway of tiled water (which is which?)thus conveying a sense of unreality to the whole scene.


If this poem doesn't work--as another poet once said "oh well I've got lots more of them" :)

Thanks for the read and comment---so glad to see you around the old place!
Title: Re: Isle of Pines
Post by: poet-e on May 12, 2019, 06:36:03 PM
Especially loved the image of lily pad tiled water!
Title: Re: Isle of Pines
Post by: indar on May 13, 2019, 02:16:53 AM
Thank you--ah, shall I call you Po?
Title: Re: Isle of Pines
Post by: poet-e on May 13, 2019, 07:00:17 AM
Thank you--ah, shall I call you Po?

Sure, why not?
Title: Re: Isle of Pines
Post by: dlp on May 20, 2019, 02:48:48 PM
the is an over used word in poetry and most of the time can go. nice imagery