My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: Renime17 on April 18, 2019, 03:30:34 PM

Title: Can you guys please review my poem?
Post by: Renime17 on April 18, 2019, 03:30:34 PM
ďUntitledĒ

The rising sun brings about a new morrow
And with it comes a feeling of lasting sorrow
Masked beneath the stretch of my arms, cloaked
This pain exists in my heart whenever itís evoked
It is when I reach beside me, an empty warmth
Holding a barren space since winterís end and thenceforth
Strangled, mangled, without breath
Depressed, obsessed, considering death
Memento mori, itís not yet time
Thereíll be others, so let the sun shine
Come high noon, the feeling goes away
So face your fears and embrace the new day
Title: Re: Can you guys please review my poem?
Post by: Louis D. Thorpe on April 20, 2019, 10:53:41 AM
I don't consider myself to be an adequate critic of poetry so I am not reviewing -do not believe I am qualified...

Just responding to say that if I wrote it I would call it "heart ache".

Can you judge a poem by its title?

Keep writing

~cheers
Title: Re: Can you guys please review my poem?
Post by: Desiderio Paz on April 20, 2019, 07:41:56 PM
Hi.
You might want to take a moment to read the posting guidelines, review some other poems, and introduce yourself.
The emotions in "Untitled" are constrained by forcing the rhymes. Throw out every word that isn't essential to express the message and then see if you need to reconstruct a meter to give it the right sound.
Title: Re: Can you guys please review my poem?
Post by: poet-e on May 09, 2019, 04:23:52 PM
About a breakup?

Language/diction seems archaic, like Shakespeare.  IDK if that's what you're going for.
Title: Re: Can you guys please review my poem?
Post by: poetryman123 on May 10, 2019, 11:44:54 AM
Love the cadence and the story behind the poem. Though is feels like a forced rhyme on some of the lines.
Title: Re: Can you guys please review my poem?
Post by: dlp on May 20, 2019, 02:55:16 PM
every poem needs a title. it is an introduction to a piece. even if it is a line from the poem. "Thereíll be others",  "let the sun shine" are two that would work.