My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: poetryman123 on March 05, 2019, 05:51:45 PM

Title: To A Friend
Post by: poetryman123 on March 05, 2019, 05:51:45 PM
Dear friend
I’ve headed back home from work

The stretching of my back pulled
like rubber-bands.
The day was well and surely fair

You make me feel wonderful.
I love talking to you and the
reassurance It brings

Let me pour you a glass
of water.
We’ll laugh about the
people beside us like
hyenas
Title: Re: To A Friend
Post by: nosuchmember on March 05, 2019, 09:02:20 PM


Dear friend
Iíve headed back home from work

The stretching of my back pulled
like rubber-bands.
The day was well and surely fair

You make me feel wonderful.
I love talking to you and the
reassurance It brings

Let me pour you a glass
of water.
Weíll laugh about the
people beside us like
hyenas

Very nice piece of writing. Some might call it a short 'letter' because it begin "Dear friend" but your words draw a beautiful picture of what 'real'  friendship is.      Jan
Title: Re: To A Friend
Post by: poetryman123 on March 06, 2019, 11:50:35 AM
Thanks for commenting.
Title: Re: To A Friend
Post by: nosuchmember on March 06, 2019, 08:10:46 PM
Thanks for commenting.

You Welcome. Thank you for posting your work on MWC boards.
Jan
Title: Re: To A Friend
Post by: Fairfaxpoet on April 03, 2019, 08:55:01 AM
Sounds like my day
Title: Re: To A Friend
Post by: poet-e on April 27, 2019, 12:44:03 AM
Like the last 2 stanzas best... wonder what these lines add:
"Iíve headed back home from work

The stretching of my back pulled
like rubber-bands.
The day was well and surely fair"

But I do like the  rubber-band image.
Title: Re: To A Friend
Post by: indar on May 12, 2019, 03:45:55 PM
I agree with Poet e the rubber band back stretch is concrete imagery I can get on board with. I also like the idea of pouring a glass of water for a friend--such a simple gesture and such an important life-sustaining element. Very nice. There is however some abstract language and awkward phrasing that could be tightened up. I suggest you read the sticky at the top of this venue by Amie who offers much good advice on abstract language. As a matter of fact its not a bad idea for anyone to review her insights throughout this forum occasionally.