My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: AntonioM on October 28, 2018, 04:47:56 PM

Title: Shoot
Post by: AntonioM on October 28, 2018, 04:47:56 PM
Take aim
brown eyes, brown hair
kneeling before the altar in prayer, spirit shooting through the roof; Torah, Cabala, Kaddish, Jewish Papa somewhere on the road to heaven, ducking questions about humanity like a Deaconess, Romans 8:18 KJV, oh holy father, glory, have our sins, then,
that prideful night coagulated in warm Florida, glitter and jewels, hands over fists, like those sandy-haired kindergarten kids--
the holes don't get any bigger.
Why else would you blow their brains out?
Title: Re: Shoot
Post by: Mark T on October 28, 2018, 05:20:10 PM

Words with the power of hammers... welcome back, ARM.
Title: Re: Shoot
Post by: heartsongjt on October 28, 2018, 05:21:17 PM
Take aim
brown eyes, brown hair
kneeling before the altar in prayer, spirit shooting through the roof; Torah, Cabala, Kaddish, Jewish Papa somewhere on the road to heaven, ducking questions about humanity like a Deaconess, Romans 8:18 KJV, oh holy father, glory, have our sins, then,
that prideful night coagulated in warm Florida, glitter and jewels, hands over fists, like those sandy-haired kindergarten kids--
the holes don't get any bigger.
Why else would you blow their brains out?

You have put much emotion into your writing. I understood it better when I broke it down

Shoot

Take aim
brown eyes, brown hair
kneeling before the altar
in prayer, spirit shooting
through the roof;

Torah, Cabala, Kaddish,
Jewish Papa somewhere
on the road to heaven,
ducking questions
about humanity
like a Deaconess,
Romans 8:18 KJV,

oh holy father, glory,
have our sins, then,
that prideful night
coagulated in warm Florida,
glitter and jewels,
hands over fists,
like those sandy-haired
kindergarten kids--
the holes don't get any bigger.
Why else would you
blow their brains out?


 
Romans 8:18 READS: For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.




Title: Re: Shoot
Post by: dlp on November 01, 2018, 09:56:15 PM
oh holy father, glory, have our sins, then,
that prideful night coagulated in warm Florida, glitter and jewels, hands over fists, like those sandy-haired kindergarten kids--
the holes don't get any bigger.

bit of a run on sentence.

maybe divide it into two.

i really don't know where, because   i don't understand what you are trying to say.
Title: Re: Shoot
Post by: indar on November 12, 2018, 05:13:54 PM
I agree with Mark T: powerful and I wonder why there are no line breaks as suggested by Jan.