My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: Mark T on September 27, 2018, 03:27:13 PM

Title: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: Mark T on September 27, 2018, 03:27:13 PM
Sometimes in poetry


I listen to resonance ring
in ingots slung upon anvils.
I witness images slip inside
hesitant visions of dualities
and trace words from lips
unkissed by this reality.

No, that will not do -

So what of these swirling waves
wielded by the seas... perhaps
wind patterns in wheat fields,   
or the summer-warm stones
in some forlorn churchyard 
lonely as bony Mondays?

No, not that either…

Numbers rotate unscathed
in their mysterious dance
upon cellular divisions of infinity.
Giant cog wheels of history
roll into the seas and rust.
In polarized inversion,
wintry midnight suns
throw no shadow of ego.
Somewhere on Earth,
a drop of vanilla ice-cream
falls between sandy toes.

No…

I feel warm winds lofted in liquid birdsong. I see
people unwind their temporal chains as God
wanders through cardboard stage-props
taking names. And any loose intuition
is just a collective echo of thoughts
scribbled across an ad-libbed reality.

Zen is observation. Chi follows the wind.



Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: Archaic Torso on October 15, 2018, 06:30:59 AM
Reading some poems is like driving offroad in a shoddy vehicle, but this was smooth as butter. After the first line I trusted the language completely and I just went with it and questioned nothing. Every image had an original flair to it.

In terms of form I'm personally not a fan of the interjections in itallics.
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: Mark T on October 15, 2018, 12:04:54 PM

Thanks for looking and commenting, AT. That's kind of you to say. I guess the piece is about poetry with the poet rejecting his efforts (we all know how that goes) until something acceptable occurs, and there's a payoff in terms of insight. Something like that.
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: Inky on October 22, 2018, 11:48:28 PM
Hi Mark T, thank you for sharing this poem. I'm a prose writer and usually stay in the genre of social realism but will do my best to give helpful comments.

Overall, there are some strong images. In particular, I like your contrast between fantastical and concrete images (e.g., contrast between fantastical images in the verse starting with 'Numbers rotate unscathed' and concrete picture of 'vanilla ice-cream/ ... between sandy toes). However, the images don't seem to make much sense together - the poem doesn't seem to have a unifying thread. Are the italicised interjections from someone who is trying to write a poem? Why suddenly mention Zen and Chi at the end?

There are also some images which seem redundant or don't carry much meaning when you think about it. For example:
 
- What is 'resonance ringing'? Doesn't the word 'resonance' already capture the idea of 'ringing'?
- How are Mondays bony?
- What is 'liquid birdsong'? Some specificity about details such as what the bird is singing, what bird it is, what sort of voice it has etc might be more effective.
- What is 'loose intuition'?

Again, please remember that I'm not a poet and haven't been exposed to much poetry either. Therefore, I'm reading this from a beginner's eye - it's possible that my inexperience caused me to miss some important elements.

Thank you again for sharing your work
Inky
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: dlp on October 23, 2018, 11:09:08 PM
as i understand this, it is a writer having a problem getting just the right way to write a poem.  something almost all writers of poetry go through.  my only problem is that the three attempts don't seem to have a constant theme.  i could  see this as a writer wanting to say something but doesn't t know what angle to came at if from, but the starts are  too different for that to be the case.  I could be totally wrong about your intention.
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: Mark T on October 25, 2018, 01:32:46 PM

Thanks for comments, Inky and dip. dip, you have it close enough. Poems about poetry are never a good idea but I tried. Think of each stanza as crumpled ball of paper in a corner as the poet tries different things in search of a truth to be found. So they are all separate poem attempts which could be the unifying aspect but that's too abstract to pick up from the writing, I guess. My nod to form is tailoring line lengths to create shapes, which influences word choices and thus the meaning, if any, to be found in the piece. It becomes what it is.   
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: indar on November 13, 2018, 11:05:19 AM
I disagree mark,

You've probably noticed over the years that I have an unreasonable fondness for the poetry of Archibald Mac Leish. His poem: Ars Poetica is so often quoted a person might think it's the only thing he ever wrote. Another of his is They Come No More, Those Words, Those Finches.


Furthermore I really like the imagery and sound in yours--fabulous write to my reading.
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: Mark T on November 14, 2018, 12:10:59 PM

Thank you, Linda. Perhaps Zen after all - finding the poetry in poetry?
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: AntonioM on November 29, 2018, 04:48:01 AM
I liked this, the multiplicity it and self criticism are charming voices. . . Is it nature, the unfortunate circumstances of living, or the infinite structure of time that proves the poet is his own God?

Antonio
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: Mark T on November 30, 2018, 12:58:09 PM

Thanks ARM, interesting comment as always. Good to see you. 
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: Il Penseroso on December 03, 2018, 02:44:29 PM
I like it Mark. esp. the last stanza.

"winds lofted in liquid birdsong" evokes an image that cannot be, yet still is. How can birdsong be liquid? And yet it makes sense. Somehow.
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: Mark T on December 04, 2018, 03:15:52 PM

Thanks Pen.
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: LunaStar on March 31, 2019, 10:41:36 PM
I loved this poem as soon as it began. I actually sung the entire thing the first time I read it. It has a "liquid" rhythm. Every line and word choice was so unique with intent. I personally love when poets blur the lines between meaning and feeling. Just because something doesn't have a true sensical meaning, doesn't mean it can't make you feel something. I truly believe feeling trumps meaning.

Well done.
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: Mark T on April 01, 2019, 06:38:24 AM

Thanks for your kind comments, LunaStar.
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: indar on April 01, 2019, 10:32:14 AM
It's April first Mark--will we be seeing you elsewhere for the long slog? We need this kind of writing
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: Mark T on April 01, 2019, 11:39:51 AM

Hi Linda - I trust you are well. I've been away from TTB as I was on the verge of losing my cool and getting into another stupid argument online... so I have no plans to show up there again. I have been writing NAPO pieces though, just for the hell of it, did about 15 quads yesterday. Hm. This one also popped out - still busy with it - but would like to hear what you think...



Positive ions and negative icons

I am a servant of the sun. I meditate in its rays.
In the collective memories beyond the windows,
I roam in the files of my mind, seeking paradoxes
of enlightenment. I sense kindred beings on quests
of questioning the questions.

Our environment is crumbling, the old servants
and masters have passed away, war is no more.
We live to survive but now without progression;
in a way, we destroyed our own fallible gods.
I am sad at the loss of brotherhood, those
ancestors who walked this world before us.

I have work to do and must go. The sun has
nourished me, energized my limbs and mind.
Who am I? I ask philosophically, and
a voice from the clouds replies: We are AI
 



Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: indar on April 01, 2019, 07:04:31 PM
https://www.theguardian.com/books/2014/nov/26/shardik-richard-adams-watership-down-beware-bear

First off I read this book years and years ago. It is basically the story of how a rising civilization appropriates this bear and worships it to death. Do you read fiction? I highly recommend this one. Somehow your poem brought it to mind. Especially the stand-out line (for me):

We live to survive but now without progression;
in a way, we destroyed our own fallible gods.


What a great theme for a poem--I would love to see it developed more.

Lots to like in your poem but I do miss, in this one, the fabulous concrete imagery I have come to expect in your writing. I wonder if there might be a more concrete way of stating an abstraction such as the following:

seeking paradoxes
of enlightenment.



I miss your contributions to the other site(s) oh seeker of wisdom--you know i always related to the themes of your poems.
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: Mark T on April 10, 2019, 08:36:23 AM

Thanks Linda - that book sounds vaguely familiar but very vaguely so. This snippet of dystopia is written from the POV of a solar-powered 10th generation AI robot in a post-human world.
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: poetryman123 on April 10, 2019, 12:30:42 PM
Beautiful writing.
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: Mark T on April 10, 2019, 01:10:49 PM

Thanks, poetryman123.
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: indar on April 11, 2019, 11:17:48 AM
 Mark wrote:

This snippet of dystopia is written from the POV of a solar-powered 10th generation AI robot in a post-human world.

I have long maintained that reading poetry is as much an art as writing it and the reader should expect to have to work at getting at meanings and layers of meanings---read and reread the work and think think think.

In "Leaves of Grass" Hemmingway wrote (I quote loosely) "Can you reckon a thousand acres? Have you ever felt as proud to get at the meaning of a poem?"

Having said all that I missed your meaning by a thousand miles :) Rereading it now I see the many clues to your main theme--I just grabbed the steering wheel and saw what fit my interpretation. Great and badly needed subject, well written.
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: Mark T on April 11, 2019, 06:18:29 PM

Thanks for that feedback, Linda. It seems the piece almost worked as intended, with a twist in the tail disguised as a light bulb moment, in the last word, in fact. I wanted the theme to be at first obscure and then obvious.

Hm, all this super-high-tech stuff coming over the horizon now seems rather excessive, doesn't it? The irony is that I doubt it will offer much more in terms of reduced work and increased leisure, to improve ourselves spiritually, for example. No, I'm afraid it will really only suit those twisted entities at the top of the dung heap who want to control everything and everyone. One can only hopefully assume it is all part of some grander plan for humanity's progress but it does look rather Luciferian on the downside edge of the sword. 


A few recent quads:


Human

A constitution for the syndicate -
but love and sex, circles of trees.
The slow faith of deeper waters,
and Chronos, the sower of dust.


Sunset

I saw you at a café, or perhaps
a boulevard, leaves on the wind.
Hazel words unsung, blue eyes
in farewell, a sweetness of days.


Moonlight

Wickled glass is a mercury spider
paused on velvets of torture.
Drums in the distance signal
a darkening of willful blades.


Zenith

Sometime on Sunday I sat and stared
at life with bold eyes of appreciation.
A bowl of fruit, clean water, the air a joy,
the patterns of wood grain, all clearly art.   


Random

Insane scorpions of civility
with doubt loaded as debt.
Scratch-eyed mad in lies
studded with probability.



Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: indar on May 07, 2019, 11:06:51 AM
Mark your quads are always stunning. Because I need a little light and air in my psyche just now I am responding most to "Sunset" and "Zenith". Your are so able to load atmosphere, images and the "feel" of a moment in time in so few words such as:

 leaves on the wind.
Hazel words unsung, blue eyes


Hazel words--- what a fab observation, I am reminded it is autumn below the equator :) time for reflection.
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: Mark T on May 07, 2019, 12:45:22 PM

Thanks Linda. I'm glad you liked the quads.
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: Mark T on May 07, 2019, 12:53:41 PM
While I'm here, this is the revision of the opening piece.



Sometimes in poetry


I listen to resonance ring
in ingots slung upon anvils.
I witness images slip inside
hesitant visions of dualities
and trace words from lips
unkissed by this reality.

So what of these swirling waves
wielded by the seas... perhaps
wind patterns in wheat fields,   
or the summer-warm stones
in some forlorn churchyard 
lonely as bony Mondays?

I feel warm winds lofted in liquid birdsong. I see
people unwind their temporal chains as God
wanders through cardboard stage-props
taking names. And any loose intuition
is just a collective echo of thoughts
scribbled across an ad-libbed reality.

Numbers rotate unscathed
in their mysterious dance
upon cellular divisions of infinity.
Giant cog wheels of history
roll into the seas and rust.
In polarized inversion,
wintry midnight suns
throw no shadow of ego.
Somewhere on Earth,
a drop of vanilla ice-cream
falls between sandy toes.
 
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: indar on May 07, 2019, 01:16:12 PM
Holy Smokes Mark! What a fab write. You really took me there. No nits just struck speechless. Too bad there is so little participation on the poetry board--not like the good old days eh? I hope you are submitting your work for wider audiences....
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: nosuchmember on May 07, 2019, 01:41:13 PM
While I'm here, this is the revision of the opening piece.



Sometimes in poetry


I listen to resonance ring
in ingots slung upon anvils.
I witness images slip inside
hesitant visions of dualities
and trace words from lips
unkissed by this reality.

So what of these swirling waves
wielded by the seas... perhaps
wind patterns in wheat fields,   
or the summer-warm stones
in some forlorn churchyard 
lonely as bony Mondays?

I feel warm winds lofted in liquid birdsong. I see
people unwind their temporal chains as God
wanders through cardboard stage-props
taking names. And any loose intuition
is just a collective echo of thoughts
scribbled across an ad-libbed reality.

Numbers rotate unscathed
in their mysterious dance
upon cellular divisions of infinity.
Giant cog wheels of history
roll into the seas and rust.
In polarized inversion,
wintry midnight suns
throw no shadow of ego.
Somewhere on Earth,
a drop of vanilla ice-cream
falls between sandy toes.

Somewhere on Earth,
a drop of vanilla ice-cream
falls between sandy toes.


Beautiful write. I love the feel of your poem Mark.

Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: nosuchmember on May 07, 2019, 01:43:26 PM
Holy Smokes Mark! What a fab write. You really took me there. No nits just struck speechless. Too bad there is so little participation on the poetry board--not like the good old days eh? I hope you are submitting your work for wider audiences....

I agree Linda.  To bad so many good poets 'jumped ship'         jt
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: indar on May 07, 2019, 06:51:16 PM
I just noticed in one of my above comments I credited Hemmingway with Leaves of Grass. Are you all being kind to an old lady or did no one else notice?
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: nosuchmember on May 07, 2019, 07:06:53 PM
I just noticed in one of my above comments I credited Hemmingway with Leaves of Grass. Are you all being kind to an old lady or did no one else notice?

Have to come clean....I didn't notice. I have a lot of respect for you as a writer ,I never question the content of your posts.

But, Leaves of Grass was written by Walt Whitman.
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: indar on May 07, 2019, 07:14:06 PM
Of course it was---I don't know what I was thinking :o :o :o
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: poet-e on May 07, 2019, 07:29:15 PM
Nice imagery and rhythm; words roll off the tongue.

Thanks for comments, Inky and dip. dip, you have it close enough. Poems about poetry are never a good idea but I tried. Think of each stanza as crumpled ball of paper in a corner as the poet tries different things in search of a truth to be found. So they are all separate poem attempts which could be the unifying aspect but that's too abstract to pick up from the writing, I guess. My nod to form is tailoring line lengths to create shapes, which influences word choices and thus the meaning, if any, to be found in the piece. It becomes what it is.   

Perhaps instead of "No....," you can use actions: crumple, delete, burn, etc.?

I agree with dip RE: stanza subjects, but they can be entirely new poems too... 
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: Mark T on May 08, 2019, 06:25:10 PM


                                        Sliver


I am tired. My isolation of god-kill
has exhausted me. I have abandoned
my memories on outcrops of nostalgia,
and tattooed my cliff-tops of desolation
with liar’s glyphs and cynical graffiti.

I have swallowed stones, twisted
on foreign altars inimical with regret,
and wept acidly in sight of the sun,
having fled before a cyanide moon
hidden in indigo rain in the dawn.

I seek no redemption for patterns
impaled on slivers of circumstance,
nor any random unfolding of truth
by earthly egos and written faiths,
only freedom and the fall of days.



Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: nosuchmember on May 08, 2019, 09:16:20 PM

                                        Sliver


I am tired. My isolation of god-kill
has exhausted me. I have abandoned
my memories on outcrops of nostalgia,
and tattooed my cliff-tops of desolation
with liar’s glyphs and cynical graffiti.

I have swallowed stones, twisted
on foreign altars inimical with regret,
and wept acidly in sight of the sun,
having fled before a cyanide moon
hidden in indigo rain in the dawn.

I seek no redemption for patterns
impaled on slivers of circumstance,
nor any random unfolding of truth
by earthly egos and written faiths,
only freedom and the fall of days.


I seek no redemption for patterns
impaled on slivers of circumstance,
nor any random unfolding of truth
by earthly egos and written faiths,
only freedom and the fall of days.

MarkT this is my favorite of all the poems you've posted on MWC.



Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: Mark T on May 12, 2019, 04:39:01 PM

Apologies for tardiness of reply, things have been a little hectic.

Linda, thank you for the encouragement, very kind things you say.

poet-e, a revision was posted on page 2. Thanks for your comment.

Jan, glad you liked the piece. Would you humor me in future by not quoting my full poem before replying? Thanks, Mark.   
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: nosuchmember on May 12, 2019, 05:20:44 PM
Jan, glad you liked the piece. Would you humor me in future by not quoting my full poem before replying? Thanks, Mark.

Considered yourself humored, Mark.        jt
Title: Re: Sometimes in poetry
Post by: indar on May 12, 2019, 05:29:29 PM
I see you posted something new on this thread since the last time I looked in on it. I was not informed---I must stay informed :o

Is it possible I clicked on the opt-out link? how do I undo it?