My Writers Circle

Workshop => Review My Script => Topic started by: BaileyNeve on July 10, 2018, 12:32:40 AM

Title: Opening scene.
Post by: BaileyNeve on July 10, 2018, 12:32:40 AM
Hey guys, this is an opening scene from a movie I'm just kinda playing around with for the time being. I would love any feedback/criticism any of you may have. Thank you.
_____________________________________

FADE IN:

EXT. CAPE LAURENT. DAY

1966, somewhere in the American north-west. A beach with damp sand and deep blue waves, under London-esque cloud cover. A bright yellow lighthouse rests nestled into the sand. A light drizzle falls.
 
The lighthouse beam is activated.

A man exits a door at the top of the lighthouse. He is the NARRATOR.
He hoists a thick rope over the railing of the lighthouse. He rappels down it's side, onto the sand. He gestures at the lighthouse, addressing the camera.
 
NARRATOR
Stairs are fucked.

As he walks towards us:

NARRATOR
Cape Laurent. Nine-teen-sixty-six.
The weather is nice today.

A pang of lightning divides the sky. He looks up at the deep gray clouds.
 
NARRATOR
The townsfolk live in incessant wetness. Annually, the Cape garners a staggering three hundred-inches of precipitation. Children are born knowing the harmony of thunderstorms.

Thunder cracks overhead, deafeningly loud.

NARRATOR
Where the weather lacks, their economy reimburses. Almost exclusively specializing in aquaculture and angling, business is booming. At the root of said success, is the Filoxenia Loosejaw.
(beat)
The townsfolk catch seven-thousand Filoxenia, per diem, with no indication of species abatement.

A large sea turtle, followed by a line of baby sea turtles scuttle across the beach. He picks up the smallest of the babies, who straggles behind it's siblings. He places the baby on it's mothers back. He steps over them carefully. 

NARRATOR
It's name, "Filoxenia" is Greek for "hospitality". Or that's what I'm told anyway, I don't speak Greek.

A foghorn bellows. From his jacket, he removes an ivory calabash.

NARRATOR
(icy, mysterious)
Rare, labyrinthine, extremely territorial.

INSERT:

An educational poster of the Filoxenia's anatomy. Labels pointing to the multifarious anatomy have "?", written as the description.

Externally, the creature is a bright orange, with spined dorsal features, and glowing blue eyes.

EXT. BEACH. DAY

The narrator now trots on a sturdy Quarter Horse along the beach. He puffs on his pipe. He exhales, the smoke trails off.

NARRATOR
It is believed to belong to the Stomiiformes order, despite having characteristics and behavioral patterns that no other species in that classification possesses.

He places his pipe back into his jacket pocket. He is tossed a baseball mitt, which he slides on. Off-screen, a blazing fastball is hurled at him. He catches the ball, standing up in the stirrups. He tosses the ball back. He slides the glove off of his hand, and tosses it over his shoulder.

NARRATOR
For instance, two front incisors--

An attractive woman in swim attire jogs parallel to him and the horse. His attention diverts to her.

NARRATOR
Jennifer, darling, how are you? You look positively angelic.

 
She smiles a bashful smile. He grabs her by the arm, lifting her onto the horse with him.

NARRATOR
(flirtatious)
Your teeth aren't hiding today.

She playfully slaps his arm. They laugh. He clears his throat, refocusing.

NARRATOR
As I was saying, most species within that order are deep-sea dwellers, the Filoxenia is capable of surviving, even flourishing at any depth.

He gets off the horse. He pats it's neck affectionately. Jennifer stays on. He grabs hold of the reins and, and continues down the beach.

NARRATOR
But no one cares about the scientific peculiarities, so much as the culinary.


EXT. DON RUBIO'S - EL MASNOU. NIGHT

An impossibly showy restaurant with well-dressed, well-groomed diners. They imbibe champagne, and exchange posh laughter.

NARRATOR (V.O)
Five-stars practically dropped to their knee's, begging for the specimen to be imported.

EXT. DOCK. DAY

A group of fisherman load crates full of Filoxenia onto a tugboat.

NARRATOR (V.O)
Some have called it the most versatile and malleable seafood on the market.


EXT. DOCK, COPENHAGEN. DAY

The tugboat lands at the dock. Three fisherman exit the boat. Four men, dressed in aprons, board the boat. They unload the crates onto the dock.

NARRATOR (V.O)
Major imports included: Copenhagen, Bordeaux, San Sebastian, and of course, Berlin.

A stubby white-haired chef, hands the fishermen a fat stack of cash.

The shake hands, smiling.
 
INT. KITCHEN. NIGHT

A Filoxenia lies on a cutting board. It is surrounded with vegetable and spices. It gasps and convulses for air. It starts to flop off of the cutting board and onto the counter. A housewife in typical 60's attire, rinses and chops vegetables, absentmindedly. 

NARRATOR (V.O)
Not everything was exported, of course. It was a staple of Captivan cuisine.


The housewife notices, quickly picking the fish up and placing it back onto the cutting board. With one swing she hacks it's head off with a cleaver. It's decapitated body twitches. It's luminescent eyes dim.

EXT. FOOD TRUCK. DAY

An orange food truck, designed in the image of the Filoxenia is parked outside an junior-high school. The name, "Filoxenia 'n Chit" is painted above. A flock of pre-teens surround the truck, fists full of money, impatiently waiting for their order to be taken.   

NARRATOR (V.O)
What could easily go for 500 euros at Gobert-Labadie in Marseilles, you could get for mere pennies at a number of street-shacks and food trucks in Laurent.

EXT. BEACH. DAY

The narrator is shirtless and doing chin-ups on the lighthouse railing. Jennifer sits on the sand below watching him. As he does his workout:

NARRATOR
Nevertheless, where there's demand, there's competition. Nautical turf wars are an ever rampant problem in these waters, as well as the other three locations the Filoxenia is found.


MONTAGE:

- A Japanese man on a bamboo paddle-board, with a spear in his hand. He dives into the water, spear first. The surface of the water rustles. The camera PULLS BACK to reveal a huge fishing rig barreling towards the paddle-board. A title identifies the location as: Shiretoko Peninsula - Hokkaido Island.

- An overweight man sitting alone, chest-deep in bubbling water. He is enshrouded in yellow fog while he sips a soixante quinze. A clothespin is clamped on his nose. A Filoxenia jumps through the surface and re-enters at a perfect arc. The man's eyes widen, as he quickly exits the spring. Two burly men dive into the spring fighting for the fish. A title identifies the location as: Sulfuric Mineral Springs - Annapurna Circuit, Central Nepal. 

- An old man fishing on the banks of a gentle river. To his side, a large wicker basket full the bright orange Filoxenia. Distant artillery and gunfire begin to blast. The man frowns. He reels in his line, and collects his basket. A title identifies it as: Nerevta River - Southern edge of Herzegovina.

EXT. BEACH. DAY

The Narrator fills a pail with damp sand. To his side, a beautiful sandcastle. He flips the pail up-side down. From the mound of sand he begins to form a spire. Jennifer helps scoop sand. As he does this:

NARRATOR
The children of the Cape are fundamentally fatherless, leaving mothers exhausted, and children reckless.
(beat)
This story starts as it must. It starts with the exalted 'prince' of Cape Laurent. The kingpin and ring-leader, of the aforementioned recklessness. It starts, of course, with:

________________________________________

At that point, I plan on introducing the character with a crazy, mischievous scene.
Terribly sorry for the god-awful formatting, I'm not accustomed to forums. Let me know what you think. Thank everyone :)
Title: Re: Opening scene.
Post by: Mark T on August 10, 2018, 05:35:19 AM

It's rather well-written for a story-board. Have you considered writing this as a novel but always with the background thought of it being adapted as a screenplay, and making it user friendly in that regard? Breaking into screen plays is even tougher than novel publishing. This way you could always self-publish or at least have the satisfaction of having produced something creative in its entirety.   
Title: Re: Opening scene.
Post by: BaileyNeve on August 12, 2018, 05:12:06 PM
Thanks for trying input. I'm curious, because you called it a storyboard, what you mean by that? I haven't explored the possibility of a novel. The end goal is to be a filmmaker, not just a screenwriter, though I do enjoy it immensely. I don't want to get in the habit of settling for something's just because it's easier to break into.

Thanks again for the input!