My Writers Circle

Poets Corner => Review My Poetry => Topic started by: dlp on July 03, 2018, 10:14:21 PM

Title: hello
Post by: dlp on July 03, 2018, 10:14:21 PM
Hi my name is david and I live in Carlsbad,ca.  I am retired, and live with my bride of 40 years "sugar bear".  here is my first poem


I am sounding my song.
It is a somber song.

Yet sprinkled with colors,
Hopeful colors.

Like the sparkling shards of pure color.
Refracted by the hexagonal prisms of the
Early morning Siberian snow.

Each, elegant, crystalline, fragile in hue.
Each imbued with its own vision of hope.
Hope of redemption by extreme unction.

I have been exiled.

I am penitent.
I am content.
No privileged!
To gaze up transfixed,
By the gleaming brass ring.

And the jangle of my jailers bright keys,
And the jangle of electroplated keys.
And the scintillating tinkling of the keys.
Title: Re: hello
Post by: Mark T on July 04, 2018, 04:51:11 PM

Hiya David, welcome to MWC. This place is just a hollow shell of what it used to be... dropping poems here now is kind of like one hand clapping. But that can be okay too.

Your poem is interesting, good even, for a first outing. You have a natural ear for rhythm, the cadence I found was complex, staccato almost, in places. Last S was good, last line was good with some internal near-rhyme serving as a finishing couplet. You may think all this is BS because none of it was intended... doesn't mean it won't show up, poetry can tap into the collective that way sometimes.

Couple of tips with contemporary poetry - there are no rules but generally if you're using grammatical punctuation, the piece is written in prose-like grammatical form except for line breaks. so this means not capitalizing the first word in a line , as opposed to a sentence. I hope that makes sense. Try and avoid repetition and clunky phrases, poetry should be treated as an oral form firstly; how would it sound to the ear.

Anyway, you have something, hope you enjoy composing more poems. 

Title: Re: hello
Post by: dlp on July 04, 2018, 06:14:41 PM
thank you mark.  even if I only have an audience of one that is fine.  most of the poems I will be posting were written quit awhile ago.   My poetry teacher (yes they had them when I was going to school)  taught us   to capitalize the first word of each line.  my other poems I will fix that. This poem is probable the most tame of my poems.  the last stanza of this poem was inspired by Poe. 
Title: Re: hello
Post by: dlp on July 04, 2018, 06:16:28 PM
Also she taught us that poetry was a condensed form of language.  that less was more.  you will see that lesson never sunk in with me.
Title: Re: hello
Post by: dlp on July 04, 2018, 09:52:21 PM
why are there so few people here?  you said there were a lot more before.
Title: Re: hello
Post by: Mark T on July 05, 2018, 02:50:06 AM

Poetry is indeed condensed language and less is more, your poetry teacher was right. It's just become old-fashioned to capitalize all lines but it doesn't mean you can't do it - depends on the form and style. Scratch back through the pages here, look at poems by Tom 10, dave, drab, matty 11 and myself for examples of contemporary poems.

What happened here was that the place was in the doldrums but still ticking over and got taken over by new owners who changed things in the site architecture which led to spam problems and a subsequent lack of cooperation by the owners to help the moderators deal with the spam made everyone annoyed and dismayed and a lot of prose members left to start Best Writing Forum and the poets started The Tangled Branch. All about 6 months ago. Like a ghost town here now but that's okay for posting void poetry, my new genre.