My Writers Circle

Workshop => Review My Work => Topic started by: L.Carmichael_67 on March 17, 2017, 06:40:19 PM

Title: submerged
Post by: L.Carmichael_67 on March 17, 2017, 06:40:19 PM
hi i don't want any crits on grammer or anything just want to know what people think so far?

One

I woke up and immediately panicked.
The water was slowly building up in the car as it sank into the river, I knew I was running out of time and couldn’t yell for help since I knew no one would even hear me.
Gasping for air I tried to free my hands from the tight rope that was painfully cutting into my wrists, but it wouldn’t budge.
As I took my last bit of air before the car was fully submerged and the murky water filled the car, I found myself looking for any possible way to escape.
Knowing as I tried to smash a back window open with my feet I found were bound as well I was running out of time, I tried harder with no result and my lungs were burning and felt like they were about to burst.
As the car neared the bottom of the river, I gave up my fight and closed my eyes waiting for the cruel freezing water as it had done to many other missing girls before me to claim my life as well.

Suddenly I opened my eyes and a surge of oxygen filled my lungs once more confusing me, and I turned sideways on to what I found was concrete and purged the river water from my lungs.
“It’s going to be alright” I heard a reassuring voice say that when my vision cleared up, I realized belonged to a paramedic that was kneeling beside me that had no doubt saved my life.
Title: Re: submerged
Post by: Oceaxe on March 17, 2017, 06:41:24 PM
LOL

Sorry, having a bad night.

Yes, writer99 is right that long sentences don't convey the breathlessness of panicky scenarios. More than that is hard to add because the piece is so short and I don't know why you want to post something that gives us so little to work on. I wasn't trying to belittle your stuff it was just that your suggestion that "grammar or anything" doesn't count caused this Pavlovian reaction I have difficulty controlling. Time to go to bed.
Title: Re: submerged
Post by: writer99 on March 17, 2017, 07:08:13 PM
I don't see how posting LOL helps btw Oceaxe?? But never mind eh ...

The general idea/concept of your offering is good, however, you must understand that to convey it all to readers there are writing formalities to abide by otherwise they will give up reading on - I guess you don't want that.

Your sentences are too long. This is trying to convey a moment of extreme panic. Shorten the sentences and heighten the drama.

You also used the forbidden word "suddenly"  (they won't like that on here)

Did you read this through out loud before posting by any chance?
Title: Re: submerged
Post by: L.Carmichael_67 on March 17, 2017, 10:58:11 PM
i'm a little lost myself I don't know where this is going, all I know is how she woke up.

here's the synopses i came up with if it helps?

 left for dead Shayna Bryanna woke up in a sinking car tied up, with no recollection of how she got there.
Her captors think they got away with it.
Think again.
Rescued from what should have been a watery grave, Shayna is sent away from her family to witness protection in fear that her captors might try to finish the job, little do they know...They're nothing compared to her.
Shayna might have come out of the river but something far more sinister resurfaced with her.
And it wants revenge.

Title: Re: submerged
Post by: Markopolo on March 18, 2017, 06:09:31 AM
I woke up and immediately panicked.
The Water was slowly building up in the car as it sank into the river. I knew I was running out of time and couldn’t yell for help since I knew no one would even hear me. – I’m pretty sure that you would scream your head off in this situation.
Gasping (Opening with a gerund – ing word) for air I tried to free my hands from the tight rope that was painfully cutting into my wrists, but it wouldn’t budge. As I took my last bit of air before the car was fully submerged and the murky water filled the car, I found myself looking for any possible way to escape.
– You could re word this.
I tried to free my hands, however, the rope cut too tight into my wrists. I gasped for air, terrified, as the car submerged fully into the murky water. (This might be rubbish but it flows better.)


Knowing (Opening with a gerund – ing word) as I tried to smash a back window open with my feet I found were bound as well I was running out of time, I tried harder with no result and my lungs were burning and felt like they were about to burst. – This is a forty-three-word sentence. It doesn’t really make sense and needs broken up.

As the car neared the bottom of the river, I gave up my fight and closed my eyes waiting for the cruel freezing water. as it had done to many other missing girls before me to claim my life as well.
Suddenly I opened my eyes and a surge of oxygen filled my lungs once more confusing me, and I turned sideways on to what I found was concrete and purged the river water from my lungs.
“It’s going to be alright” I heard a reassuring voice say that when my vision cleared up, I realized belonged to a paramedic that was kneeling beside me that had no doubt saved my life. – So, confusing again.

Try keeping your sentences shorter to begin with It may help at the minute things are just running too long and don’t make sense it’s all well and good asking someone not to look at grammar and punctuation which I really struggle with too but it just doesn’t make a lot of sense as it is right now hope that helps and this huge ramble with no punctuation at all illustrates what I mean eighty nine words with no punctuation crazy right but really hard and horrible to read

Title: Re: submerged
Post by: Oceaxe on March 18, 2017, 06:16:41 AM
Quote
left for dead Shayna Bryanna woke up in a sinking car tied up, with no recollection of how she got there.
Her captors think they got away with it.
Think again.
Rescued from what should have been a watery grave, Shayna is sent away from her family to witness protection in fear that her captors might try to finish the job, little do they know...They're nothing compared to her.
Shayna might have come out of the river but something far more sinister resurfaced with her.
And it wants revenge.

But almost none of this is in the piece you have posted! Hence my frustration.
Title: Re: submerged
Post by: Dashway on March 18, 2017, 10:45:06 AM
So far the imagery and action are both strong.  I once had a nightmare about this sort of thing and have ever since been uncomfortable driving across the bridge over which it took place.  I was able to get the sense of fear and dread as I read your passage.  I'm unsure what type of feedback you are looking for because the concept is interesting, but some of the grammar and sentence structure gets in the way of the intensity.  For the beginning of an overall plot, the subject would draw me in.
Title: Re: submerged
Post by: hillwalker3000 on March 18, 2017, 05:08:59 PM
hi i don't want any crits on grammer or anything just want to know what people think so far?

The synopsis suggests you have a decent plot in mind. But I'm not a fan of the way the story opens.

I woke up and immediately panicked. Starting with your MC waking up is a cliché. 'immediately panicked' is both vague and telling. How did she panic? would we expect there to be a delay between waking up in a drowning car and panicking? Obviously not.
The water was slowly building up in the car it sank into the river, I knew I was running out of time and couldn’t yell for help since I knew no one would even hear me. There's too much spurious and superfluous detail here. I don't trust the writer since she doesn't appear to have any firm idea what she's writing about.
Gasping for air I tried to free my hands from the tight rope that was painfully cutting into my wrists, but it wouldn’t budge. Again there's a lot to take on board, and these long long sentences do nothing to provide any sense of tension building up.
As I took my last bit of air before the car was fully submerged and the murky water filled the car, I found myself looking for any possible way to escape.


I'll stop there. The writing simply isn't good enough to drive the story forwards. For such a dramatic situation, it's slow and rather dull. If you were in the heroine's situation I don't think you'd be behaving in quite the same way.

The closing sentence is particularly dreadful.

H3K
Title: Re: submerged
Post by: Jo Bannister on March 18, 2017, 05:32:18 PM
i don't want any crits on grammer or anything

Really?  Because you need them.  And until you master "grammer or anything" you won't get anywhere with your writing.
Title: Re: submerged
Post by: Sherlock on March 18, 2017, 08:21:21 PM
L.Carmichael_67,

I know you don't want help with grammar or anything but I agree with the others, it would be much easier to read it you did.  The story itself is somewhat overworked, that of being in a car or somewhere else in danger, and rescued, but you might make it new and exciting by adding different elements.

As an example of easier reading with better grammar, this sentence just drove me nuts and I can't read more without dealing with grammar.   I'm only going to do it on this one sentence, respecting your wishes as much as I can.

Knowing as I tried to smash a back window open with my feet I found were bound as well   (I found my feet were also bound as I tried to smash a back window.   But it is hard for me, a reader, to think they didn't already know their feet were bound). 

 I was running out of time, (This would be a sentence alone to add immediacy.)

 I tried harder with no result and my lungs were burning and felt like they were about to burst. (My lungs burned as I kicked again with no result.)

I hope this is helpful. 

Sherlock

Title: Re: submerged
Post by: Lin on March 20, 2017, 06:47:06 AM
I think I understand about you not wanting crits on grammar.  At this stage you are keen to make sure the story works.  However, our members, being who they are, are often desperate to make things right and it's in their blood!   :D  The others have outlined how they feel and I wanted to critique more in the way of the five senses and  character feelings. 

I found this all a bit 'telly'.  I am a writer who loves the show/tell concept in moderation.  I want my readers to go along with the character and feel what he/she is feeling. You can go OTT with too much showing, but I would like to see a 'leetle bit more' and cut out the WAS/WERE words. Eg. from the tight rope that was painfully cutting into my wrists  This is telling.

You could change this to 'the pain I felt from my bonded wrists.'  (Also the rope would have to be tight to cut the wrists so it goes without saying.)  I would feel this with you rather than being told it was cutting my wrists. I think if you can show a bit more and not tell so much, then you will not be inclined to over-write your work.  You can express the same drama but become more involved with the pain and suffering of the character.

Try not to use the word 'suddenly.' I find it very child-like.  'When suddenly Cinderella was dressed in a ball gown'. Sorry but it does remind me of children's stories and it's an unnecessary adverb. Oops is that a grammar check!  ::)

Keep going!

Lin x

 

 

 
Title: Re: submerged
Post by: Emery on March 20, 2017, 01:17:05 PM
For someone waking up in a car being submerged in water, she is very self aware. Doesn't feel panicked at all.

I know people keep talking about shorter sentences, which are fine, and I know you don't want grammar critiques, but if you focused on sentence structure I think the piece would work better.

All that said, you decide to start your story with an impactful opening. And then you dispense with it in a few sentences. A girl wakes up in a car, bound, and has no idea how she got there. That deserves more than 150 words or so.
Title: Re: submerged
Post by: johnnyh2 on March 28, 2017, 09:38:37 AM
It’s things like this:

Gasping for air I tried to free my hands from the tight rope that was painfully cutting into my wrists, but it wouldn’t budge.

Gasping for air I tried to free my hands from the rope cutting into my wrist. It wouldn't budge.

We can guess the rope is tight, and we can guess it’s painful. If you cut those words it makes things quicker and crisper.

Knowing as I tried to smash a back window open with my feet I found were bound as well I was running out of time, I tried harder with no result and my lungs were burning and felt like they were about to burst.

Try saying this ^^^ out loud, in one breath, and you’ll see what’s wrong. This next sentence too.

As the car neared the bottom of the river, I gave up my fight and closed my eyes waiting for the cruel freezing water as it had done to many other missing girls before me to claim my life as well.


hi i don't want any crits on grammer or anything just want to know what people think so far?


Seriously? This ^^^ is like presenting a freshly cooked dinner to judges and saying, ‘I don’t want any comments on taste or presentation. It's like creating a ball gown, offering it to the wearer and saying, ‘I don’t want any comments on how it fits or the actual sewing.

Nevertheless, I’m giving you one note. I think it's important. You’ve posted your synopsis. I don’t understand why you’d not use a capital letter for the opening sentence. It’s such a shame, because the core idea is great, but it’s hard to take seriously when you don’t bother to correct the basics. I've seen the same mistake over and over in your posts.

Title: Re: submerged
Post by: Eigenvalue1 on April 04, 2017, 11:33:59 PM
As the car neared the bottom of the river, I gave up my fight and closed my eyes waiting for the cruel freezing water as it had done to many other missing girls before me

I love this imagery. The water as a girl-devouring monster. Very original.
Title: Re: submerged
Post by: Eigenvalue1 on April 04, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
Sorry for the strikeout, I'm still learning the code.
Title: Re: submerged
Post by: Gyppo on April 05, 2017, 05:24:01 AM
hi i don't want any crits on grammer or anything just want to know what people think so far?

This makes as much sense as a decorator asking you for an opinion of his work before he's even wetted the paintbrush.  This suggests to me that you are aware of the shortcomings but can't be bothered to fix them.

There is a widely quoted line that 'First drafts are always shit', but this applies to the story and the plot, not the basic presentation.  This is a writers' circle and we find it as painful to ignore errors as a barefoot runner would find it to ignore thorns and broken glass.

What do I think?  I think there's a girl drowning in a car underwater but she gets rescued.  You could equally well start with her spewing up the water.


“It’s going to be alright” I heard a reassuring voice say that when my vision cleared up, I realized belonged to a paramedic that was kneeling beside me that had no doubt saved my life.


The paramedic is a who, not a that.  Unless it was a robotic paramedic, which i doubt.

The others have given you some good advice, which I won't repeat.

Gyppo